


The Beautiful Lie

by Rizzleslvr72



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-28
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-08 18:19:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 105,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/446116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rizzleslvr72/pseuds/Rizzleslvr72
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane has to deal with changes in Maura's life and her feelings surrounding them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

The sound of the jukebox was muffled, but the whispers around them could be heard clearly. They were categorically ignored.

Jane peered into green eyes briefly. If she squinted they could almost look similar to who she wanted, what she wanted dark blonde hair and all. Needy hands snaked around her torso trying to pull her forward. Jane resisted.  Roughly, she pushed the woman into the door of the bathroom stall hard enough to make it groan in protest.

The woman gasped as Jane nearly ripped the zipper from her jeans but moaned as Jane’s hand disappeared within. “I-I didn’t know…it would be this hot…” 

Jane closed her eyes as she was enveloped in wet heat.  

The blonde whimpered and continued as her body writhed. “With a woman.”

Again, the blonde pulled her closer, and this time Jane allowed it. She shivered as the woman’s tongue left a wet trail from her throat to the dimple in her chin. “Maura.”

The name filled the air around them. It was heavier than the smell of sex and cleaning products. The woman stopped cold a hairs breath away from what was most likely to be a scorching kiss. “What did you just say?”  She asked incredulously.

 _Well damn._ “I’m sorry. Mary. I meant to say Mary.”  Jane’s tone was sheepish and hoped that her expression said the same.

“That’s not my name either.”  The blonde was indignant now. She pushed Jane away and adjusted her clothes with shaking hands.

 _God damnit I know it started with an M._ “Misty?”  Jane tried again and felt a pang of guilt as the woman’s face darkened even more.

“Fuck you! You’re worse than those assholes at the bar!”  The door rattled as the blonde pulled fruitlessly on it. “Shit!” The woman screamed.

Silently, Jane reached out and unlocked it.

Turning as she exited the stall, she yelled. “It’s Michelle. Mi-chelle! Fucking dyke.”  Michelle swung the door so hard the entire stall rattled.

Jane cringed but exited with her head held high. She ignored the stares of the other occupants, and a  few seconds later, she slid back onto the barstool and signaled for another beer.  “You want one?”  Jane asked her partner.

Frost held up the full bottle of Bud Light. “Just got a refill. I’m at my limit.”  He peered at her expectantly.

“That was a shitty time.”  Jane muttered as she took a long swig of her drink and tried vehemently to drown the darkness she could feel swimming up to meet her.

“Quick too. Need Viagra or did the straight girl—I don’t know--- realize she was straight?” He asked teasingly.

“Fuck. You.” Jane answered.

“Nah, I don’t like waiting in line.”

 _Did he just…_   “Did you just call me a whore?”  Jane felt her eyebrows creep toward her forehead.

“Hell no! I was just saying that not only do you have gay women lining up. You have now have straight girls too. No man can deal with that type of competition.”  Frost paused. “But if that’s where your mind went…”  His mouth twitched. “And to top things off this isn’t even a gay bar.”

“It’s gay friendly.”

“Then why am I here?”

“To live vicariously?”  Jane smirked even though she didn’t feel it.

Frost’s gaze narrowed. “Careful, Rizzoli. I’m the designated driver. I’ll leave your ass on somebody’s curb.”

“Whatever.”  Jane downed the rest of her beer with one long drink and signaled the bartender. He crouched to reach into the cooler. Jane shook her head.

“What can I get ya?” He asked.

“Whiskey. Leave the bottle.”  A good buzz just wouldn’t do anymore.

Frost whistled. “I’d rather you just go find another straight girl to play with.”

“This won’t be as messy.”

“But it’ll be beating your ass in the morning.”

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing it’s not your damn problem.”  Jane knocked back a very full glass of whiskey. It burned all the way down. It was cleansing in a way and it matched the burning ache that was starting to take over again.

“Rizzoli—“

“What?!” Jane could hear the worry in his voice. She didn’t want it nor did she need it.

“You don’t scare me. So don’t even go there.”

“Then say whatever the fuck you have to say.”

“You’ve been a dick for over a month now, and I’m sure your liver is floating.  I think I just figured out why.”

Jane smiled but it was nothing more than a bearing of teeth. _I guess this is what I get for hanging out with a detective._

Obviously, Frost took that as a sign to continue. “Blonde hair? I’m betting she had green eyes too. At first, I thought you were just jealous, but nah. You are pissed about Maura but it’s for a whole other reason.”

Jane gulped back another drink. Then another, in hopes that the roaring in her head would block out his words.

“Considering what you’re doing for her, I’m surprise she’s able to put up with you.”

Immediately getting defensive, Jane slurred. “I woul…I would never be mean…to her.”

“That makes sense…now.” Frost rubbed a hand over his face. “What are you gonna do?”

“Whatta..what do you mean?”  Jane poured another whiskey, sloshing the contents onto unsteady hands.

Frost snatched the bottle from her. “You know what I mean.”

“I don’t…wanna talk bout this. Jus take me home.”  Jane stumbled as she tried to get up.

Grabbing her elbow, Frost steadied her. “Easy.”  He tried to catch her gaze.

Jane looked everywhere but.

“Jane, look at me.”

Emotion clogged her throat as she continued to avoid eye contact.

“You’re my best friend. You trust me with your life. I got your back here too. It’s okay.”

Jane sucked in a deep painful breath. “I dunno, okay. I have no fucking idea.” She husked.

“Well, she’s getting married in two months and you’re her maid of honor. You’re going to have to figure it out because this isn’t working for you.”

Jane leaned into him heavily. The words were like a cacophonous echo rattling around in her brain. “Take me home.”  She could hear the pain in her voice.

Frost reached into his pockets and threw some cash on the counter.

The ride to her house was silent punctuated only by the sound of passing cars and the low buzz of the radio.  Jane peered out the window watching everything zip by her. Dizzy, she closed her eyes but that just brought memories she didn’t need at the moment. Breathing deeply, she tried to push them away along with the emotions sure to follow. Suddenly, she realized there was too much silence but knew there was nothing left to be said. “Turn up the radio.”  Jane whispered.

Jane sat heavily on her bed and attempted to kick off her shoes.  Bleary eyed she peered up to see Frost leaning against the door frame.

“Need help?” He asked softly.

Jane nodded.

Without a word, he helped removed her shoes and watched as she scrambled into bed.  He backed out of the room.  “I’ll be on the couch if you need me. I’m not leaving you alone tonight.”

Jane turned her head away. She didn’t want to be alone either.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**

Maura sipped her coffee and smiled at the kiss she felt pressed to the top of her head.  She glanced up to see her fiancé attempting to straighten his tie and fill a cup with liquid caffeine simultaneously.

A cell phone rang and Peter Bentley groaned in obvious irritation.

Rising from the table, Maura snagged the coffee pot and filled his cup as he answered his phone. She moved to the next task, his tie, and grinned broadly at the look of thanks shining in his eyes.

As he talked in animated fashion, Maura studied his features. They were strong, chiseled just like the rest of his body, but his best feature remained the softest brown eyes she had ever seen. His olive skin and dark hair came in a distant second. His looks were deceptive however. His rugged features were wrapped around a good heart. He never pushed. He never pulled. In fact, he just let Maura be…Maura and followed her lead.

Over the past several months, Maura’s affection for him grew. He understood her grueling schedule because his was at times a perfect match. He accepted her idiosyncrasies and often times found them endearing, and most of all he was one of two people who could make her laugh. A burst of warmth heated her from the inside as she thought about the other person, Jane. Both her and Peter had a lot of the same traits not to mention the same coloring. It was odd, really.

“Damn it.” Peter swore.

It was enough to pull Maura from her thoughts. She peered at Peter, waiting.

He sighed and his mouth twitched. “That wasn’t really a curse word, Maura.”

Maura continued with the silence.

“If Jane had to put up with the incompetence I do sometimes, she would have said a lot worse.”

_Touché._ “Possibly, but you’re not Jane.”

“Obviously, but if I had her swagger and a gun, I would have to beat them off with a stick. We could be twins. I’m sure that’s part of the reason we get along. Imagine the damage we could have done.” Peter sighed dreamily.

Maura chuckled. “Are we in awe?”

“I wanted to be her when I grew up.” Peter deadpanned.

Maura’s chuckle because all out laughter. “You wanted to be a lesbian? Well, technically you are.”Maura leaned in kissing him on the chin for good measure.

“Well, I was definitely falling in love by the third date so I guess that qualifies me.” Peter wrapped his arms around her.

Without qualms, Maura allowed the embrace. “I suppose that’s good information to have.”

“Okay, how about this? I certainly love you now.”  Peter paused. “You know…we are getting married.”

“I know you do.”

His expression turned thoughtful. “That should go in the vows.”

“What?”

“That you have to say you love me.”

“Peter…”  Maura felt a pang of something she was unable to identify.

“I know.”

“I feel more for you than I thought I could for anyone.” Maura added.

“I know, Maura.” Peter pulled her closer closing the space between them. “It means the world that you let me in.”

Maura pressed her face into his neck, reveling in the warmth and the spicy scent of him.  She pulled away slightly just enough to peer up at him. A twinge of guilt and a barrel of concern assailed her. “You and Jane are…”

“You don’t have to explain Maura. Sometimes, I just turn into an old woman.”

“Strange, I haven’t been with a woman since medical school.”

Dark brows rose to Peter’s forehead. “Did you just make a joke?”

“Possibly.”

He peered at his watch. “We need to mark this occasion.”

Maura slapped his chest playfully. “I’m surprised you’re not threatening to call Jane.”

“Nah, don’t know which Jane I’m going to get. She’s been sending off a prickly vibe as of late. In fact, it’s been a while since we chewed the fat.”

“Prickly?” Maura asked choosing to concentrate on that issue alone. It had been decidedly strange to watch them drink and talk about her as if she wasn’t there even though it had been some time ago.

“Irritable.”

“I would think that would be normal. She solves murders for a living not to mention in the middle of it all she’s helping me with the wedding. She’s doing her best to be patient. I can see it’s difficult at times. ”

“I’m a lawyer. I read people for a living, and uhm, I don’t think that’s all. She’s losing her best friend.”

“She is doing no such thing. I see her every day. We talk several times a day.”

“About?”  Peter tilted his head as he waited for the answer.

“The wedding and sometimes work obviously.”

“Uh huh and what did you used to talk about?”

_Oh._  “Everything.” Maura answered.

“And when was the last time you guys have had one of those sleepovers you told me about? Or even gone out to have fun?”

“I-“

“If that was happening to me, I’d think I was losing my best friend. It would so make me prickly.” Peter interrupted.

Maura blinked as the reality of his words came down on her. “I’ve been so busy. I didn’t stop to think about it.”  She paused. “Why didn’t she say anything?”

Peter met Maura’s gaze as Maura answered her own question. “Because it’s Jane.”

“Ah, look at that brain work. Don’t feel guilty just do what you can to rectify it.” Peter ended his statement with a quick kiss. “I’ve got to go.”

_He’s right._ Maura needlessly straightened his tie once more.  “Peter?”

“Hmm?” He answered over his shoulder as he neared the kitchen door.

“You’re a patent attorney. You read more books than you do people.”

The left corner of Peter’s mouth turned upward. “You’re on a role this morning. That’s two in what? Five minutes?”

Maura grinned as he disappeared behind the swishing door.

_Jane._ As the quiet surrounded her, Maura felt a pang of loneliness. _I miss you too._

*

“If you look at the mangled flesh, you can see the knife was twisted in a perfect angle. It was obvious the plan was to eviscerate him.”  Maura pointed at the wounds as Jane peered at them from the other side of the table.

“Mm, so we’re looking for someone with a possible…” Jane yawned and shook her head as if clearing it. ”Sorry… someone with medical knowledge or at least knows about anatomy?” She mumbled as she continued to peer down at the gaping hole in the man’s abdomen where his intestines spilled through.

For several seconds, Maura studied Jane, seeing things she had obviously been missing. She’d lost weight. Her cheeks were hollow and seemed to capitalize on the gauntness of her face. Deep, dark circles sat heavily underneath her eyes, and even her pallor was off. _How did I miss this? What is going on with you Jane?_ “Yes, I’d say that was accurate.”

Feeling eyes on her, Maura turned toward the sink and met Frost’s gaze.  The concern in his eyes as he glanced from her to Jane was palpable.  It gave Maura pause.

“That should narrow things down, huh Frost?”

“A little.”  Frost brought his thumb and index finger together.

“Keep your panties on. I’m sure Maura will have more for us soon.”

“It’s thong Tuesday.” Frost added with a grin, but Maura noticed that it disappeared as quickly as it came.

“Well then, I guess your ass will have something to eat if it gets hungry.” Jane deadpanned but her trademark smirk was nowhere to be seen.

Maura sighed. “Jane. Both you and Peter are vastly more intelligent than your vocabulary dictates.”

“Sorry, Maura.” Jane muttered contritely and cleared her throat.

Their gazes met but Jane’s skittered away after barely a second.  _She’s obviously very upset with me._

“Me too. I’m sure you don’t want to think about my ass all day. No matter how nice it is.” Frost’s tone was overly bright, sounding almost forced.

“Let’s let Maura get back to work.”  Jane said as she turned away. Without a word, Frost fell into step beside her.

“Jane?”  Maura called out confused and worried about the display before her.

Jane paused and nodded at her partner as he continued toward the door.

They were alone and Jane peered at her expectantly. _At least there is eye contact now._ “Do you think you’ll be free for lunch?”

Jane’s gaze lowered. “Wedding stuff?” She asked as her eyes slowly met Maura’s again.

“No. Just you and me.”  _She’s definitely not herself. How did Peter spot this before I did?_

The smirk that Jane has been missing earlier returned. “I’ll call you. We can meet at that deli you like.”

The door to the morgue opened with a creek, splitting Maura’s attention. Her eyes widened.

“Surprise? But we’ll get to that later. Please tell me she’s in the wedding party?”  Hungry eyes seemed to swallow Jane whole.

Then, Maura was greeted by a smile she had no doubt weakened the will of many women. Once upon a time, she had been one of them. They were fond memories indeed. “Nice to see you too Addison.”

“Oh come on! Say it like you mean it.”  Addison Montgomery demanded as she flipped fiery red hair over her shoulder.

Maura was aware of astute brown eyes watching the entire exchange. She swallowed and wondered why she felt uncomfortable.  “Jane this is Addison. We’ve known each other since medical school.”

With a smile that looked frozen in place, Jane offered a hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“My God, you can read the dictionary to me and make my panties disappear.”  Addison muttered as she took the offered hand.

Jane laughed. Her smile became genuine. “Good to know.”

Maura’s discomfort increased especially when brown eyes turned toward her holding questions.

“So do you collect lesbians or something, Maura?” Jane’s tone was light and her eyes glittered with humor that Maura realized she had not seen for a while.

“I-“

Addison roared with laughter. “You have no idea.”

“Addison!”  Maura cried.

“What? I didn’t do anything.”

“Yet.” Maura added.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

“And I have to go. See you at lunch, Maura.”  Jane said softly.

Maura watched Addison peer at Jane as she walked away.

“So that’s your Maid of Honor?” Addison asked.

“Yes, she is.”

“I don’t like weddings anymore but I think I might enjoy this one.”

Maura sighed.

“In case you’re wondering. I’m here on a consult, and since I was taking vacation next month to do the wedding thing anyway…I’d say it was fate.” 

“I see.”  Maura commented.

“What’s up with you? I thought you’d be excited to see me.”

“I am. I just have a lot on my mind.”  Maura’s thoughts went to Jane. She peered at the door as if she expected her to return.

“If you say so, now, tell me about your Jane.” Addison said with barely repressed glee.

“She’s not my Jane. Not the way you’re inferring.”

“Of course not now, you’re getting married.” A perfectly arched eyebrow rose. “But never?”

“No. Never. It’s not—“

“Been that way between you? You have seen her right?”

“Yes, I’m aware of her attractiveness, aesthetically speaking.”  Maura answered.

“What the fuck ever. She would make Mother Teresa groan.”

“Addison!”

Addison waved Maura’s disdain away. “Get over it Maura. I can swear like a sailor and still have intelligent conversation. That’s one of the things I’m going to finally teach you while I’m here.”

“How is it possible that you haven’t changed at all?”

“You mean once insufferable always insufferable?”

“Exactly.”  Maura answered.

“You love me. Now back to your Jane.”

Maura glared at her friend.

“Okay tell me more about Peter first then back to Jane. If you called more than two minutes once a month, I’d know what’s going on in your life.”

_You can’t have Peter either._   Maura was startled by her thoughts but tried to recover quickly. “You may have a point. I apologize.”

Addison smirked. “We’ll find a way for you to make up for it. I promise.”

**

Over the lip of her glass, Jane watched Maura weave through the throngs of tables and get closer with each step.  Her heart rate increased  with the proximity. Jane guzzled the water in an attempt to look inconspicuous even though everyone especially Maura was oblivious to her scrutiny. Taking a moment, it was with conscious effort that Jane transformed forcing all dangerous emotion down deep to wear the mask of friend. _Take a big girl pill, Jane. Act normally._

Maura smiled brilliantly in her direction as she neared her destination. Jane choked on an ice cube and began coughing violently. _Shit. I need to get a way better handle on this._   She put the glass down and covered her mouth with a napkin.  Sucking in a couple of deep breaths, Jane’s breathing stabilized as Maura slid into the seat across from her.

“Sorry I’m late.”

“S’okay, I know how impatient dead people can be.”  Jane muttered. For a moment, Jane enjoyed the resulting twinkle in Maura’s eyes.

“Their manners are atrocious as well.” Maura’s smile seemed to widen.

Pleasantly surprised but not missing a beat, Jane countered. “They can’t help the smell, Maura, and did you just make a joke?”

“I’ll take that under advisement and yes third one today,” Maura added as a glass of water appeared before her. “Did you order for me already?”  Maura asked as she unfolded the napkin and put it neatly in her lap.

Jane did a double take at the sudden change from humor to familiarity. She looked away. “I wasn’t sure. It’s been a while since we’ve done this.”

Shocked, Jane saw the flash of guilt chase its way over Maura’s face. “That’s my fault I’m afraid. I’ve been dragging you to flower shops, bakers and caterers.”

“I can only assume that what’s done when you’re planning a wedding.”

“Yes, but what is that show you I caught you watching a few months ago?”  Maura paused. Her head tilted slightly as she searched her memories.  “Ah yes, Bridezillas. I’m not one of those so there is no excuse for forgetting my friend.”

Somehow amused at the popular reference but at the same time apprehensive, Jane physically distanced herself by sitting back in the chair. _There’s no way she could know. No way._   “What do you mean?”

Maura reached out.

Jane stopped breathing and counted the seconds it took for Maura’s hand to cover her own.  Four and it seemed like an eternity. She closed her eyes for a nanosecond only to open them again and see the world go on around her while she remained stuck. Prickles of heat crawled over her skin and Jane withstood it. It was what friend’s did.

“I’ve been neglecting you.”

Jane scoffed. “What are you talking about?  We talk and see each other all the time.”

Maura tightened her hold. “No, it’s true. I see it now but I feel even worse that Peter had to bring it to my attention. He’s obviously bonded with you.”

_Peter._ Jane felt something crack within. The veneer was failing. Pain flared with every beat of her heart, and she wanted nothing more than to disappear and nurse the ache.  Quickly, she pulled her hand from Maura’s grasp and wrapped it around her glass intending to take a drink.   She willed it not to shake as she drained the remainder of the water. _Get a hold of yourself Jane._

Maura seemed to pause for a moment at the loss of contact, but after a few seconds, she droned on. “I’m not going anywhere, Jane. I know customarily friends grow apart at times like these, but I categorically refuse to let that happen. You’re my family. There’s no way to forget you.”

Jane swallowed. _I want her in my bed and she wants to be my sister._ As a form of protection, bravado returned quickly. She fought valiantly to maintain eye contact and avoid the bigger issues.  “So, I can add you to the list of women who think I’m unforgettable?”

“You have a list?”  Maura asked so innocently, so incredulously Jane knew it had to be sarcasm.

“Yeah, doesn’t everybody?”  Jane raised a brow in question.  The change of subject was more than welcome.

“I don’t have one.”

“Well…you’re not everybody.” Jane added.

“Would you consider me special?”

Jane began to sweat on the inside. It was a most peculiar sensation.

The waiter appeared, saving her from drowning. Jane peered down at her menu studiously even though she already knew what she was going to order.  “Classic Italian on French… no onions with chips and a Coke.”

“Thai chicken salad on croissant please.” Maura muttered at the waiter peered in her direction. “I’ll have the side salad as well with the lemon vinaigrette.”

The young man turned to go. Jane glanced at Maura, knowing her gaze held confusion.  “She’ll have her sandwich cut in quarters and no sprouts on the salad.”

The waiter nodded and scribbled on his pad some more.

“It’s nice to know that you do remember.”

Jane tried to smile and hoped it was not pasted on her face. “I didn’t say I forgot. I just said I wasn’t sure.”  Subtlety, Jane attempted to change the subject once more to one that didn’t make her nervous. “I’m surprised your friend Addison didn’t tag along.”

“It didn’t take much convincing, she is here to work as well.”

“She seemed…”  Jane searched for the proper word. “Flamboyant.”

She’s….Addison. I suppose just like you’re Jane.”  Maura paused and looked thoughtful. “If I had a list that I was keeping track of, she would be on it.”

Jane’s blood heated. She knew Maura had female lovers in the past but to know it and to be confronted with it was two different things. Awareness snaked over her skin and puddled in her belly. For some reason the frank admittance made her feel one step closer to the impossibility of Maura.  It was a strange war Jane was raging between veiled hope and stark hopelessness.  “I… kinda suspected as much. You have good taste.”  Jane threw in for normalcy.

“Yes, she’s the type of woman that gets better with age. She was stunning back in medical school but now she’s breathtaking.  You don’t have to tell her. She already knows it.”

Jane smiled at the comment but curiosity got the best of her. “Does Peter know that you used to sleep with women?”

Their food appeared and they were silent as the dishes were set in front of them.

“He does.”  Maura answered when they were alone. “I’ve shared a myriad of things with him but not as much as I’ve shared with you.”  Hazel eyes were clear and alight with affection.

The comment was a double edged sword. Pleasure twisted through Jane at the knowledge. Still, pain permeated. He got her heart and her body. There really was no comparison. The feeling of insignificance was overwhelming. A sudden wave of nausea rolled through Jane.  She stood up abruptly. “Bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

Jane felt Maura’s eyes on her as she practically ran to the facilities. She pushed open the first stall and lost the meager contents of her stomach. Her body shook as it quickly turned to dry heaves. _Oh god. How the fuck am I supposed to do this?_  She leaned against the wall to gather herself and wished vehemently for a drink.

“Jane? Are you okay?”  The concern and worry were clear in Maura’s voice.

Jane closed her eyes and willed her away.

“Jane, I can see your shoes. Will you please answer me?”

Swallowing down another wave of nausea, Jane answered. “I’m fine. I didn’t eat this morning.”  _Because I was too hung over._ “I guess all the smells got to me.”

“Do we need to reschedule when you’re feeling better?”

“No!  No, it’s fine. Just give me a minute to clean up.”  _I need this._

“I’ll give you some privacy.”

Jane emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later somewhat pulled together.  Her eyes widened in surprise when she spied the redhead they had just been discussing pilfering chips from her plate. Mentally, she shrugged her shoulders. There was nothing she could do about it, and maybe it would make things a little easier to manage.

Addison Montgomery turned her gaze toward Jane as she neared the table. Her slow smile was wolfish in nature and any other time Jane would find it amusing.

Jane sat down.

“Sorry I crashed the party. Maura told me where you were going, and I finished early.” Addison explained. “And I ate one of you chips.”  She smiled winningly.

Jane could not help herself. She was charmed. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You sure? You can spank me if you want.”

Maura sighed and shook her head.

Jane chuckled.  “You’re certainly not subtle.” _Interesting woman._

Addison reached for another chip but Jane slapped her hand away.  Addison pouted. “Subtlety is for the young. I find it easier to get to the heart of the matter.”

“I’ll try to remember that.” Jane stated.

“Addison will you please behave, and they have menus if you want to order.”  Maura added.

Jane turned to look at her. Hazel eyes held aggravation, affection and something she couldn’t identify. Maura speared her salad and brought the fork to her mouth.  Jane watched mesmerized, knowing what was to come next.

Maura closed her eyes and nearly moaned. 

Jane swallowed convulsively as her stomach clenched almost painfully.

“Jesus, Maura! What was that about?”  Addison asked. Her tone was laced with amusement.

Maura brought her napkin to her lips. “You have to get a salad. They make the vinaigrettes with truffle oil. The depth of flavor is amazing.”

“Orgasmic it seems. “  Addison joked.

Jane glanced at Addison, feeling her scrutiny and knowing for a second, she had revealed too much.  Jane wolfed down her lunch as the women played catch up.  She nodded when she thought it appropriate and inserted a smile here and there. Still, her main goal was to get the hell out without it looking too suspicious.

“So, a May wedding. I hear the summer is perfect for those types of things.”  Addison commented.

Jane reached into her pocket and fished out a twenty.  She had enough. It was time to slink away and  lick the gaping wounds this encounter had left and add them to her collection.  Jane stood. “It’s been fun ladies, but I’ve got to get back to work.”

Jane met the blue eyed gaze briefly before tearing herself away. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Maura’s hand encircled her forearm.  She stiffened instead attempting to put a wall up between her body and her senses.

“I meant what I said, Jane. Are we okay?”

“I know you did, Maura. We’re fine.”  Jane flashed a generic smile at both of them. “Later.”  She walked away, pulling herself from the touch she craved.

*

“Every time I see Jane, she becomes more interesting.”

“This is only the second time you’ve met.”  Maura added.

“Well, what can I say she’s made an impression.  Do you know if she’s seeing anyone?”

Maura blinked in her friend’s direction confused by the amusement in her tone. “I’m not sure.” The fact that she had to say that put a chill in Maura’s bones. _How can there be so much space between us. I hope what I said helped a bit._

“I thought you guys were best friends?”

“We are, but things have been hectic as of late.”  Maura could felt her hackles rise as she lapsed into defense mode.  She was surprised at herself. There was no reason for it.  “I’m not sure that you’re her type.”  _My God._   Irritation and confusion raced through her.

Addison swiped the napkin across her mouth. “Shouldn’t that be her decision?”  Blue eyes twinkled and Maura could not help but feel as if she were missing some inside joke.

“I suppose.” Ignoring Addison’s gaze, Maura fiddled with the napkin on her plate.

“So you have no idea what she’s feeling and who she feels it for?”  Addison asked. Her gaze was piercing and serious.

Maura looked up sharply. “That’s… rather odd phrasing.”

“Isn’t it?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. It’s just tragic really. Ironic too,” Addison answered as she opened her handbag.

“Addison?”  Maura said in warning. “You’re not making sense.”

“So when do I meet Peter?”

Knowing that she needed to dig deeper but reluctant to do so, Maura  allowed the change of subject.  “Possibly tomorrow. He’s working late tonight.

*

Jane knocked back her fourth shot of tequila. A few minutes ago, the burn would have made her gasp but now it barely registered. She leaned back in the booth and eyed her surroundings. The lesbian bar was teeming with women of all shapes, sizes and colors. Tonight, Jane was a purist.

A beer appeared in front of her. She glanced up at the waitress she was more than familiar with and waited.

"It's from the blonde at the bar…3 o'clock."

Jane peered in that direction to see said woman waving at her. "Tell her thanks."

"Really? That's the fourth one." The waitress added.

"I'm not drunk enough yet." Jane countered.

"That's kinda pathetic…you know?"

_Tell me about it._ "Yeah… I know." Jane took a long swig of the beer and avoided her gaze. "Bring me the bottle." Jane held up the shot glass. In a room full of people, she had never felt so alone. The jukebox warbled out the smooth tones of Etta James and all around her people were having a good time.

Jane dug in her pocket for her phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Where are you tonight?" Barry asked before Jane had the chance to say hello.

"Triangle. You coming?" Jane practically yelled.

There was a long pause. "Actually, I'm on a date. I went to the bathroom when I saw it was you."

Jane released a bark of laughter but it was without humor. "Everybody has a life but me, huh?"

"You could have one too. Step away from this whole wedding thing. You're committing emotional suicide."

"So I should quit my job too?"

"No, but you could take a long vacation and get yourself to a place where you can handle this better."

"It'll never happen. Might as well take the beating now. My skin will be thicker when they have kids."

"Either that or you'll be washed up."

Jane snorted. "Either way."

"Jane…" Frost's voice trailed off but the concern in his voice was obvious. "Just promise me. Whoever you pick up tonight go back to their place or to yours."

"What for? I can get what I need right here."

"No you can't, but at least you won't be alone." Frost sighed. "See you in the morning."

"Yeah."

Jane filled the shot glass to the rim, but before she could bring it to her lips a bowl of limes appeared before her. She sighed and looked up at the waitress expectantly.

"Red head at 12 o'clock."

Jane zeroed in on the area. Her eyes widened as Addison Montgomery waved back at her. Something stirred in Jane. "I'll take care of this one myself." She rose slowly giving the alcohol a chance to settle.

Less than a minute later she slid onto the stool beside Addison.

"Fancy meeting you here, detective."

Jane turned in her seat and leaned forward. "I'm beginning to think you're following me."

Addison laughed. "I may be many things but I'm not a stalker. Besides, I've made my interest more than clear."

"Oh, you were serious?"

"I am…even when I'm joking."

Their eyes met.

The funny feeling Jane had a few minutes ago came back tenfold. She licked her lips and her gaze lowered to Addison's mouth.  _What am I doing?"_

Painted lips spread slowly in a smile. "You want to get out of here?" Addison asked.

Jane hesitated. It must have been written all over her face.

"You're free to do what you want, detective."

_I am but I don't want to be._ Still, Jane stood and reached into her pockets.

Addison held out a hand. "No, I've got this." She slid a fifty dollar bill under her glass and signaled the waitress.

Jane followed Addison into the lobby of her hotel. They had barely spoken but somehow it was a comfortable silence.

"The hotel bar is more cozy and quieter. I'm sure." Addison looked at Jane expectantly.

Jane's lips quirked into a smile. "Sounds good."  _Maybe just talking would be better and a lot less weird._

Addison had not been far from the truth. The bar was small, intimate and dark. "Find something in the back. What's going to be our poison? "

"Burbon…the good stuff." Jane answered.

"Perfect."

A few minutes later, Jane watched quietly as Addison filled her glass to the half-way point. The still heavy bottle thudded as it met the table. The weight of the tumbler felt good in Jane's hand it counter balanced the emptiness inside. "What should we toast?" Jane asked huskily.

Addison's eyebrow arched toward her forehead. "Me…you… and Maura."

Jane's stomach slithered in protest of her best friend's name. "How about we don't and say we did?"

Addison brought her drink to her lips and downed it. Her gaze was laser in its intensity. "I think I told you that I don't do subtlety."

Jane swallowed and decided to go for subterfuge. "What does that have to do with this?"

"Today…at lunch… I know that look well. It was frozen on my face all through med school."

Jane didn't ask for clarification, but Addison gave it to her anyway. "How do you not fall in love with her? I guess that should be the question. I'm sure part of me still is. It took forever and a fucking day to get past it and act like a human being again. Then to top it off, I went on and made the two biggest mistakes of my life." Addison watched her own fingers fiddle with her glass. "And the best thing of all is that she was oblivious to it."

Totally confounded and taken aback by the honesty in Addison's tone , Jane opened her mouth to speak. "She said you guys—"

"Oh, we were together. We dated. Fooled around. The sex was-" Addison's smile was lascivious.

Jane looked away abruptly.

"Sorry. I was never that important to her. I knew that. She was honest about her ambitions and goals, and I still let myself fall into a Maura sized hole."

Addison paused as their eyes met once more communicating meaning and comparing pain. "And now, she's getting married."

Bile rushed to Jane's mouth. "You don't need to remind me. Why are you doing this? Talking to me and revealing all of this?"

"Because despite me being the bitch that I know I can be, I do actually care about people. I know I don't know you that well, but I don't want to see anyone go through what I did."

Jane wiped a hand over her face. It was a sobering gesture. "There's nothing to be done. What do you think you can change?"

"I'll be here for a while. I don't think there's anyone better to go to than someone who's been there."

"You didn't answer my question. What do you think you can do for me?" Jane asked pointedly.

Addison shrugged. "Anything you need but again, the main point is that I can be there."

Jane downed her drink in one swallow. "Sometimes I want to beat the shit out of someone. Are you going to let me do that?"

"I fight like a girl…so no."

"Sometimes I want to fuck the shit out someone. Are you going to let me do that?"

Addison reached across the table, covering Jane's hand with her own. "Gladly." Her expression turned rakish. "I would have done that anyway." Blue eyes twinkled and full lips turned up in the corner. Within a few seconds the teasing became serious. "And sometimes when all you want to do is cry, I can try to be there too."

Jane raised her glass. "Well, I have this and the fucking down." She said acerbically.

"How's that working for you so far? I know we're not the same, but it sure as hell didn't work for me. Alcohol and random women… it's a dangerous combination."

Jane snorted as she peered into her empty glass. She wasn't ready to admit that fact… not yet.

"So, what do you say?" Addison asked. Her expression was guarded but expectant.

_Anything has got to be better than the hole I'm digging for myself every night. Even this._  "Where's your room?" Jane murmured.

* * *

"Sweet God," Addison moaned as she fell forward onto the bed. Her breathing was labored and her body trembled.

Still on her knees, Jane blinked sweat from her eyes and watched in fascination as a fat bead of moisture trickled down Addison's back. Her body hummed but somehow she was still ravenous. Even though Jane was sure it was morbid, there was something about being inside Addison and knowing she had touched and been touched by Maura.

Jane leaned forward and swiped her tongue up Addison's back, catching the moisture and setting herself on fire again.

Addison whimpered as she shuddered, "No…no don't do that. I can't… Her words trailed off into a languid groan as Jane sank her teeth in the back of Addison's shoulder before filling her again.

"May…be one more…" Addison moaned before getting lost again.

What seemed like an eternity later, Addison lay on her back attempting to catch her breath. She turned slightly entangling their bodies more and peered up at Jane. Reaching out, she traced the side of Jane's neck as if measuring the still erratic pulse. "My turn."

Jane smiled but she knew it was a sad one. "I can't."

At first confusion clouded Addison's eyes but then they cleared. "I understand."

Searching her feelings, Jane felt heavy and pleasurably tired. Her mind was a mess of cotton wool. "Thank you." Jane muttered.

"Mmm," Addison murmured as her lips trailed up Jane's chin to her mouth. "You're welcome."

Their eyes met.

"Can I stay the night?" Jane hoped it didn't sound like pleading, but she didn't want to be alone.

"I think. I'd like that." Addison answered.

Less than an hour later, Addison propped herself up on her elbow and watched Jane sleep. She traced Jane's features with her eyes and even relaxed her face held a measure of pain. It was an odd circumstance to say the least, but she already knew the woman in her bed was amazing. Addison didn't regret a minute between them. In fact, she knew she would do it over and over again. Suddenly, she felt heavy with old pain. No, she didn't know Jane but years ago, she was Jane.

The decent part of her, the caring part of her couldn't stand by and let this happen. It all sounded so altruistic but there was also something selfish behind it. Even if it was temporary, Addison wanted a little happiness, a little pleasure, and a few laughs for herself. It was something that had been lacking in her life for some time. She sank into Jane's warmth.  _Maura, you're an idiot._ The wheels in her head began to turn.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**

Peter walked up the stairs leading to the police station. In one hand, he held a drink tray containing two of the largest cups of coffee he could find and in the other was a box of Krispy Kreme still warm.

“Well hell, I hope you brought enough for everybody.”

Peter glanced over his shoulder. “Detective Korsak. I think I did. I don’t see Jane putting away two dozen donuts. Do you?”  He stopped to let the older man catch up to him.

Korsak chuckled. “Don’t know.  A woman her age and with her personality has to have some pretty big appetites.”

“Well then maybe I should give you your share now, huh?” Peter smiled as Korsak opened the door for him.

“Nah,” Korsak patted his belly. “Trying to lay off the carbs. Girlish figure and all. So you’re here to see Jane?”  They stopped in the lobby as conversation developed.

“Yeah, she doesn’t call. She doesn’t write. I thought we were going to be friends. I know she’s been busy with the wedding and her cases, but…”  Peter paused and made the decision to push Korsak for information. “Has she said anything to you? Did I say something to offend her?”

Korsak threw up his hands. “Whoa not that she has but Jane doesn’t like her business broadcasted, and even if I knew I’m not one to gossip.”

“Loyal to the end, huh Detective?”

“You got that right.” Korsak answered emphatically.

“Jane has some really good friends.”   _Okay, I’m not trying to find the map to El Dorado or anything_. _Maybe I was wrong. Maybe being irritable some of the time is part of the job and Jane is an expert hands down._

“So does Maura.” Korsak’s smile was tight

Peter grinned despite the subtle changes in the air around them. “My favorite subject.”

Korsak’s face crinkled with laughter. “I bet it is. I remember feeling like that in my first…second…and third marriage.”

“Well, you’ve had enough practice **.** The fourth one will be cake.”

Korsak’s laughter turned into a bellow. “Ah, the naiveté of the young.”

“Careful, if you talk to me any longer. It may rub off on you.”

“Not a chance. I’ll leave you to it. I’ve got some business with Maura.”

Peter nodded and watched him leave.  _Well, that was odd._   He shook it off and walked toward the elevators. _I hope her reception will be warmer._

Deciding to let it go for the moment, Peter nodded and murmured greetings to other lawyers and  passerbys.  The briefcases were a dead giveaway. He knew that could have been him, and he had no doubt he would be as good with criminal law as he was with patent law. The shark in him wasn’t big enough and didn’t have the jaws for the killer instinct that was sorely needed.

Peter pressed the up button on the elevator.

A few minutes later, he spotted Jane in the middle of the room. She was hunched over her desk with one hand pushing through her hair while the other one was busy writing.  Peter didn’t hesitate. This could go either way…really bad or really good.

Without a word, he sat the coffee on her desk along with the donuts. Right away, he could see the startled look in her eyes when she glanced upward. It was very deer in headlights.

“Peter?”

“Nah, Ed MacMahon. Just wanted to let you know you’ve won Publishing Clearing House.”

Jane’s mouth didn’t even twitch. “What are you doing here?” Her tone was strained and uncomfortable.

At that moment, Peter decided to be direct. “I guess I was a little tired of you answering my texts with just one word.”

Jane looked away but Peter could have sworn he saw guilt in her eyes. _Maybe my first instinct was right after all._

“I’ve been busy.”

“Look, I know Maura talked to you a couple days ago about…everything. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not trying to take Maura from you.”

Jane peered up sharply. “What are you talking about?”

Peter was confused by the strange expression that now covered Jane’s face. “She was yours before she met me and she has a big heart. There’s room for both of us.”

Jane turned bright red. It was all the evidence he needed. “We don’t have to be buddy/buddy, but I thought it was going that way. Things seem to change when I proposed.  I guess it was okay for the three of us to hang out when I wasn’t a real threat to your friendship.”

Peter recognized relief when he saw it. “I’m not a threat, and you don’t have to avoid me. I’m okay with us just being acquaintances. I just want us to be okay.  Okay?”

Jane nodded. “Peter, you’re a good guy. I’m just married to the job … you know? I guess it’s hard for me to make friends outside of it.”

“That’s understandable, but are you and Maura okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine. The talk helped.”  Jane’s smile seemed genuine but somehow pained.

“Are you sure?”

“Yep…positive.”

Peter nodded as relief flooded him. “Good. The other coffee is for your partner. I didn’t know how you guys liked it so there is cream and sugar on the side. I’ve got to get out of here. Thanks for the talk. It made me feel a lot better about things.”

“Glad… I could help. Thanks for breakfast.”

Peter’s smile was welcoming but he was still disappointed. He wanted a relationship with Maura’s family, but apparently right now, it just wasn’t in the cards. Still, he walked away standing tall. When he reached the door, he turned slightly letting a small group pass, and in the periphery, he saw Jane again hunched over her desk but her partner was leaning over her rubbing her back.  A frission of something inched up his spine, leaving apprehension behind. He made the sudden decision to go see Maura.

*

“Are you okay?”

Jane’s insides quaked as her organs tried to right themselves again.  She tried to take a deep breath but even that left her reeling. “Where …the fuck were you?!”  _I_ _think I rather get shot than go through that again anytime soon.  With that under my belt, I’m sure this afternoon will be a huge piece of smelly ass cake._

“I just got here. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to interrupt or not.” Frost answered.

Jane shrugged his hand away. “Next time, it should be a given.”

Korsak chose that moment to walk by. He stopped at her desk. “Is she okay?”

“Don’t know. Peter was here.”  Frost answered.

“Yeah, I know I was talking to him in the lobby.”

Jane glared at her old partner, hoping her expression was good and frosty.

“Whoa, what was that for?”

“Peter was here.” Frost repeated pointedly.

“Yeah, we covered that…oh.” Korsak paused. “Oh, damn. Why don’t we take a walk Rizzoli?”

Jane rose. “I need some air anyway.”  She followed him out, leaving her jacket, the donuts and the coffee behind.

They walked silently for a few minutes. Jane peered up at the sun. It felt good on her face but a drink would probably make her feel better.  Her thoughts then went to Addison. She shook them loose. There was work to be done.  Jane glanced at her old partner. “I don’t need to be pitied. I heard it in your voice.”

“Yeah, well I’m human. Excuse my initial reaction, but what the hell Jane. You’re her Maid of Honor. Why would you do that to yourself?”

Jane wiped a hand over her face and wondered what happened. She used to be such a private person, but the need to reach out and cling to those who knew her was now overwhelming and probably a little pathetic.  She swallowed. “I knew but I didn’t really know until then…until she told me he proposed. I was so numb and when she asked me to be part of the wedding I said yes.”

“What do you mean until then? Wasn’t she dating him for months?”

Jane shrugged. “That’s happened before. I thought he was like everyone else. It hit me like a ton of bricks.”

Korsak shook his head. “This has really got you fucked up. There is no way in hell you’d tell me all that without pulling teeth.”  He stopped walking and turned to look at her. “You’re really not yourself.”

Jane didn’t reply. There was no need to do so.

“You gonna tell her?”

“Fuck no.” Jane answered almost immediately. “I’d rather run through the station naked.”

“Well, that would make a lot of people happy.” Korsak wiggled his eyebrows.

Jane couldn’t help but crack a smile. “You’re disgusting.”

“Ugh, I wasn’t talking about me. I think that would qualify as incest."

“Possibly.”

Korsak clapped her on the back. “You’ll get through this. It’s gonna hurt like fucking hell, but if that’s your choice…  You know where I am if you need me.”

“I know.”  Korsak knew her well. She was going to see this through…see Maura happy even though it was ripping her apart.

*

Jane returned to her desk to find it cleared of everything except the paperwork she had been working on. It was a welcome relief. She glanced in Frost’s direction and mouthed, “Sorry.”  She hadn’t meant to be short with him.

With a quick nod and smile he communicated his understanding quietly.

**

Maura was still stunned even though some time had passed. She had completed a preliminary work up and somehow found herself back in her office where it all began.  She sat at her desk staring at her phone and wondering what her next course of action should be. The conversation-- the event ran amuck in her mind, refusing to free her.

_She smiled at her assistant in thanks as he sat a stack of files on her desk. “Thanks James. Is this what I’ve been waiting on?”_

_“Toxicology is on top.” James nodded._

_They both looked up at the sound of knocking._

_Maura bubbled with surprise. “Peter.”_

_“Hey, I stopped by to talk with Jane. I had a few minutes so I thought—“_

_James nodded and exited without a word._

_“This is a nice surprise.”_

_Peter took the few steps to and around her desk, and before Maura had a chance to register his closeness, he descended crushing his lips to hers. For a moment, she enjoyed the pleasant hum and then decorum and shock got the better of her. Maura jerked away from the kiss and attempted to distance herself. “Peter? I’m at work anyone could—“_

_Peter stood straight and cleared his throat. A shadow passed over his face. “Oh course, I’m sorry. I—“  He floundered as if unsure of himself._

_“It’s all right. I’ve never known you to be so demonstrative in public.”  Maura added. “You came to talk to Jane?”  She asked as curiosity joined the foray of emotions she was feeling at the moment._

_“Yeah, I just wanted to touch base with her and make sure everything was okay between us.” His tone was monotonous and far away._

_“She’s fine. Jane wouldn’t lie to me” Maura knew this for a fact, but she couldn’t ignore the doubt creeping over her. “Did everything…go well?”_

_“We’re as well as we’re going to be, I think.”_

_“Peter?”  Maura could hear the confusion in her own voice._

_“She’s not okay, Maura. She definitely isn’t okay.”_

_“What do you mean? Did she say or do something to affect you…like this?” Maura asked hoping he knew she was referring to his public display of affection._

_“No, I—I don’t know. I’m sorry about that you know I’m not usually like that.”_

_“You seem shaken.”_

_“Something I saw…”  Peter shook his head. “She was cordial and appropriate, but…” He shook his head again. Then, he closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know why it’s bothering me. There has to be a simple explanation.”_

_A light appeared in his eyes. “Yeah.”  Peter glanced at Maura. “I think I’m just being an old woman again. Ignore all my craziness.”  He leaned down this time kissing her forehead. “It was good to see you twice in one morning. I love you, and I have to get to work.” He said in a rush._

_Maura was not sure if he was all right or if he had just convinced himself that he was. Pressing him for answers would get her nowhere. His stubbornness almost rivaled Jane’s. “If you’re sure, don’t forget I’ll be late. Dress fitting tonight.”_

_“I won’t.” Peter muttered. Then, he was out the door._

_Maura watched him go, leaving her just as startled as when he arrived._

 

Maura reached for the phone. An inch away, she stopped. It would have been the most logical course of action to talk with Jane. The questions burning within would be answered.  Maura released a shaky breath as she recognized the emotion that stayed her hand…fear. Sitting utterly still, Maura analyzed her feelings.

Occam’s Razor. Peter had been correct. The simplest explanation was best.

It was ludicrous. There was nothing to fear. This was Jane. _Peter obviously misread the situation._ Satisfied, Maura reached out again.

The sudden shrill ring of the phone nearly launched Maura from her chair. She picked it up quickly. “Dr. Isles.”  She said breathlessly.

“Dr. Montgomery here.”  Addison said teasingly.

“Yes, Addison?”  Maura didn’t know if she was in the mood for Addison’s … well for Addison.

“When you say my name like that it sounds like I’m a person to be tolerated.”

“You are, and I do… just barely.”

Addison laughed. “I’m letting that one go because I know it’s just my sense of humor rubbing off on you.”

Maura sighed. “I’m sorry. That was a bit abrasive. The past few hours have been a bit strange.”

“It’s okay. I have a very thick skin.”

“Don’t forget we have appointments at the bridal shop this afternoon.” Maura said.

“I haven’t. What was the name of it again?” Trim’s?”

“No, it’s Tremè.”

“Ah, okay. Did you already let Jane know?”

“She already does.  The date has been planned for the past few weeks. I sent her a text to remind her this morning.”

“A text?”  Addison asked sounding perturbed.

“Yes, it’s been around for years. Surely you are aware?”

“Sarcasm looks good on you, Maura, but it looks amazing on me. I asked because that seems a tad impersonal.“

“I disagree.  It’s short and to the point just what I need right now with so much to organize.”

“That’s my point.”

A little put off by Addison’s critique of her, Maura changed the subject.  “Did you need directions or something?”

“No, GPS has been around for a while as well. Running the risk of being overloaded… on me,  I was wondering if you wanted to do lunch?”

“I’m sorry. I was about to call Jane—“

“She’s not available. You’re my second choice.”  Addison’s tone was almost gleeful.

Maura’s mouth snapped shut. She blinked and ignored the sudden burn in her chest. _Surely, I didn’t hear correctly._   “Pardon?”

“Not a big deal. Are we on or not?”

Suddenly, Maura wanted nothing more than to interrogate Addison concerning her comments, but that compulsion alone gave her pause.  “I—“

Maura glanced upward upon hearing the knock at her door. Relieved, she waved her assistant in.  “Hold on, Addison.”  She peered at James expectantly and even more so at the file in his hand.

“Results of that brain smear.”

Maura nodded. “I’m sorry, Addison. I—“

“I heard. I’ll see you this afternoon.”

Dial tone greeted Maura before she had the chance to say good bye. Her thoughts churned, leaving her ill at ease. A heaviness settled. Jane came to mind… then, Jane and Addison. The heaviness increased exponentially and with it came confusion.   _There’s nothing wrong with a friendship between them. There is nothing wrong with anything--- ._ Her mind refused to go further _._ By default, Maura’s thoughts then turned to Peter. It only served to confound the situation even more. _This is stress. This is all the product of stress._

**

Addison and Jane walked side by side toward Treme’s Bridal shop. The sun beat down on them but the heat of its rays were diluted by Spring and the late hour in the afternoon.  Peering out the corner of her eye, Addison tried vehemently to read Jane but it was an exercise in futility.

“So are you going to wear a poker face for the next couple of hours?”

Jane looked down at her feet then up at Addison. He expression was shuttered. “I didn’t know that I was.”

“Is this the first time you’ve seen her wedding dress?”

“No, just the first time with her in it.”

“You think you can handle that?”

“As well as I’ve handled everything else I suppose.”

Addison bit her bottom lip in worry. “Don’t know. I’m sure it can have quiet the impact.”

“Not any more than her waving an engagement ring in my face.  Anyway…” Jane sighed and pushed a hand through her hair, mussing dark curls slightly. “What doesn’t kill me, right?”

Addison nodded. It couldn’t… not in the literal sense. Still, she knew a constantly broken heart could make a person wish for death more so than any injury ever could.

The entered the shop quietly. Addison could feel  the excitement roll off Maura in all directions as she continued her conversation with a woman who looked to be a seamstress.

When the woman nodded in their direction, Maura turned with a wide smile already on her face. Hazel eyes swept from Jane to Addison and back again.  Addison made a mental note as Maura’s smile dimmed. _Gotcha._

Maura continued to study the scene in front of her quietly, intensely.

“We’re here. Please tell me my dress isn’t pink.” Addison said with flourish.

Maura said nothing in return. In fact, she barely blinked.

Addison cut her eyes at Jane once more. The poker face had returned in full swing. Her body was rigid and the distress emanating was palpable. Feeling protective, Addison put a hand on Jane’s back and began rubbing still muscles into submission.  She smiled brightly, hoping to counter balance the tension in the air. It was becoming too much even for her.

Maura turned abruptly back to the seamstress, giving Addison time to nudge Jane into coherence.

Jane stumbled then glared at her accusingly.

“You may want to think about speaking.” Addison whispered.

Maura’s attention returned to them. “To answer your question, Addison, you are well aware you dress isn’t pink. I emailed pictures.”  She spit out the words as if she chewed them first. Her aggravation was clear.

Playing dumb, Addison murmured. “You did?”

Sighing, Maura switched her attention to Jane. “This is why she can only visit on special occasions.”

Jane had the wherewithal to grin crookedly. “Don’t know. I’m sure she can grow on you.”

Addison glared at them both. “I warn you. I have a very long memory.”  Inside, Addison cheered. Her job was done for the moment. She dangled a carrot, eased some tension, and got Jane to at least fake normalcy. Each issue seemed to contradict the other but it was all necessary.

Long minutes later, Addison watched Jane twist and turn in front of a full length mirror. Gone were the matching jacket and slacks. She was stunning in a strapless gold dress. Strong shoulders were bare and stood out in sharp relief accentuating each delectable line along with the dark hair that tumbled over them. It hugged her best assets and boosted others.  Addison caught Jane’s gaze.

A dark brow rose. “So do I look more like a drag queen or just a boy in a dress?”

Addison threw her head back in laughter. “Neither. Trust me. I’d say you were breathtaking.” She was totally charmed by the flush that covered Jane’s cheeks.

“Fuck you.”

"I know you meant that in a good way," Addison added.

Jane rolled her eyes.

“You seem better.”

For a few seconds, Jane was quiet. “I guess compartmentalizing is the key.” She smiled softly. “Maura would be proud I used such a big word.”

Addison understood perfectly, and she knew her gaze said as much. Knowing that a change in subject was needed, Addison preened at her own appearance. It was a similar color but much richer. It hung off her shoulders, revealing a smattering of freckles and making every curve dangerous. It suited her well. _I always knew Maura had good taste._  “I look good.”

Jane snorted.

“What? You don’t think so?”

“I didn’t say that. On any other woman that arrogance would probably be sickening.”  Jane answered.

“Well, it takes someone special to pull it off.”

“Yeah, I did the night before last.”

“My God, you have a wicked streak. No wonder we get along so well.” Addison added.

“Could be. I’m sure the exact opposite is true for Maura and me.”

“Well, yeah, opposites attract. Stands to reason you would want a good girl.”

“So, are you calling me a bad boy?” Jane asked.

“See, I knew you were quick detective.” Addison answered.

Jane chuckled. “Too bad you don’t live here. We’d make great friends.”

“Distance shouldn’t stop us. Besides, Maura would be a nervous wreck if she had to see me every day.”

“I don’t get it. You seem to irritate her more than anything.”

Addison shrugged. “I’m sure some of it is unrealized but deep seated guilt and I do make her life interesting.”

“That’s a good word for it.”  Jane paused. “So, have you met Peter yet?” She asked softly.

“We’re having dinner this weekend. Apparently, he’s been busy with work.”

Jane looked away then back again. “He’s actually a good guy. He has that dark swarthy thing going on, but I think that’s a thing with Maura.”

“We’ll see.”  Addison murmured. She in no way wanted to put added stress on Jane by talking about the fiancé.

Jane’s sudden gasp caught Addison’s attention immediately.

Maura had entered the room.

She was a vision in white and lace. The bodice of the dress hugged her breasts and cinched her waist, making curves more devastating than ever. As she moved to the middle of the room, the train trailed behind her, lending to the almost regal appearance.

Refusing to turn around, Jane examined her from the mirror. Addison knew that all of a sudden reality just became more real. A wave of tenderness washed over her, and she begged Jane with her eyes to focus on her instead of the loss in front of her.

Brown eyes were bright with pain and tears that refused to fall whereas a minute ago they were twinkling with humor. Then, in the blink of an eye, Jane was gone, rushing toward the dressing rooms.

Cautiously, Addison peered at Maura wondering if she caught any of the exchange. Their eyes met. “She wasn’t feeling well a couple of days ago…”  Maura murmured.

Addison wanted to scream. She was almost positive that they had seen each other or talked a million times since then. “I’ll go check on her.”

Addison was livid. Maura was as oblivious as ever but she was sure it was a practiced condition.  There were clues to support her theory.  Addison tried to calm herself as she reached the door Jane disappeared through. By the time she knocked on the door she had utilized some compartmentalizing of her own.

There was no answer.

“Jane?”

Silence greeted her.

“I’m coming in.”

Addison turned the knob to find it thankfully unlocked. Before she had both feet inside, there was a flurry of movement. Jane surrounded her then deposited her against the far wall. There was barely time for her to breathe or think before Jane claimed her.

Her kisses were urgent and bruising in intensity.

A ball of fire twisted in Addison’s belly, triggering a stunning arousal.

Addison whimpered in protest when the embrace ended. Eyes met and Addison read in them the need for connection…the need to forget the pain.

The material of Jane’s dress whispered as she kneeled to the floor. It blended perfectly with Addison’s labored breathing. She watched in fascination as her own dress was pushed upward inch by glorious inch.

Then, cool air met naked thighs.

Without warning, Jane’s mouth was on her, devouring and conquering.

“Fuck,” Addison moaned before covering her mouth with her own hand.

**

Despite the cornucopia of emotions soaring through her, concern crept down Maura’s spine, sending her toward the dressing rooms.

Peter’s voice reverberated. _“She is not okay.”_

Maura swallowed as the evidence began to speak for itself. She saw the distress in Jane’s eyes even as she willed herself not to do so. _Was that my fault? What is going on Jane?_

Hearing movement, Maura raised her hand to knock on the dressing room door, but the sound that met her stopped her cold.

“Fuck.”

Even though it was a lifetime ago, Maura knew the sound of Addison’s pleasure.  The burning ache in her chest was back, making it difficult to breath. A mixture of anger and arousal assailed her. Maura moved away from the door unwilling to face it.

She pulled at her train and walked briskly toward the main area. Her face was hot and her heart was beating disturbingly strong and fast.

“Are you all right?”  The seamstress asked.

Maura smiled as best she could. “Yes, I…they should be out in a minute. She’s almost done.”  Horrified at her statement, Maura corrected herself immediately. “I mean, she’s not feeling well.”  _Neither am I._ Maura tried to swallow the nausea that rolled through her stomach.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**

As her family buzzed around her, Jane nursed a now tepid beer. Setting it back on the table with a thump, she began picking at the label, shredding the soggy paper piece by piece as it came off in her hand. She was surrounded by people she loved and vice versa, but Jane had never felt lonelier.

It had been almost two days of complete silence. No phone calls, no texts, and no emails. Jane didn’t like her days Maura-free. In an attempt at some pride, Jane barely kept herself from reaching out and asking why.  It was a strange experience that left her flailing as if she were missing an anchor…the anchor.  Not to mention, it hurt. She was sure at this point that each day revealed a different layer of pain much like an onion. Jane was in no hurry to get to the core.

Jane knew something was amiss when she exited the dressing room with Addison on her heels. Hazel eyes refused to look her way and a distinct chill settled in Jane’s bones, almost usurping the oblivion she had fucked her way to.  

As a detective, Jane had come to one conclusion and she had come to it quickly. They had not been discreet, and they were gone much longer than was necessary. Maura knew, and for some reason, she did not like it at all. The rational part of her should have been angry at her audacity, but Jane was way past rationality.

For the life of her, Jane had yet to figure this out. The most obvious reason was jealousy, but that had been dismissed early on for being complete and utter bullshit.  Addison had been no help at all and seemed to be taking her silent treatment in stride. So, Jane started the cycle of questions all over again. Was she angry at Jane’s poor choice of venue? Was it because the dresses could have been ruined? Was it because they could have been caught?

“I’m thinking the Celt’s have real chance in the playoffs huh Frankie?”

“Pfft, they’re running the court like they have elephant balls.”

Frank Sr. laughed before adding. “They’ll get used to the load when it counts.”

“It counts now. We’ll see how they do. They’re on in thirty.”

The conversation was like background noise to Jane. She followed it, but at the moment, it wasn’t worth her time or concentration.  She took a long pull from her beer, hoping to find enlightenment  in the  amber colored glass. The plate full of homemade linguine with clam sauce sat in front of her barely touched.  She peered at the congealed mess as if it held her fortune.  _Maybe Maura thinks I found a new best friend._ Was Addison her friend?  There was a simple answer to that one. Addison was her friend but for the moment it was situational in nature.

Jane ran a hand over her face. That reason made more sense than most.  Suddenly, the feeling of being watched became almost overwhelming. Pulling herself from her thoughts, Jane peered around the table to find her family staring at her.

With his arms crossed over his chest, Frankie leaned back in his chair and chewed on a toothpick, waiting patiently.

Her father’s eyebrows sat high on his forehead as he peered at her expectantly.

Angela Rizzoli was a different story all together. She watched Jane carefully through narrowed eyes.

 _Shit, Ma. Not now._ Uncomfortable, Jane looked away and stuffed her face with cold linguine.

Angela Rizzoli stood.  “Out. Now.”

There was no need to ask her twice. Jane rose intent on following her brother and father into the kitchen.

“Uh uh, you stay.”

Immediately Jane knew her mother was addressing her. She froze and peered at her brother. With her eyes, she pleaded.

“I could stay too, Ma. Help you guys clean up. There’s plenty of time.”

“Do you want cannoli?” Angela Rizzoli asked.

Frankie’s mouth fell open.

“I said. Do you want cannoli?”

Frankie nodded.

“Then find a place on the couch and park it.”

Frankie nodded again.

Jane swallowed and sank back into her chair. She picked up her discarded beer.

“I’m sure that’s way past tasting good.”  Her mother stated.

Jane took a swallow anyway, hiding her grimace with a fake smile.

“Always have to get the last word don’t you? Even when you’re not saying anything.”

Jane shrugged but still refused to meet her mother’s gaze.

“So, you wanna tell me why you looked like you were about to cry in your linguine? Or am I gonna have to torture it out of you?” Angela asked.

Their eyes met. “I wasn’t—“ Jane started to answer quickly.  She clamped her mouth shut, knowing she had fallen into a well laid trap. _Damn. It._

“I’ll rephrase. What’s got you so distracted? Better?” Angela grinned evilly.

“Not really. I just have a lot on my mind with the wedding and work. I guess.”

“Uh huh,” Her mother replied obviously not believing a bit of it.

“We went for a dress fitting the other day. That decision is made but she still hasn’t decided on a cake.”  Jane was well aware she was starting to ramble, but for some reason, she couldn’t stop herself.

“Must have been hard as hell.”

“She’s picked out the flowers and hired someone to design the reception. She’s planning the wedding herself. Something about not wanting it to seem like a typical princess or damsel being rescued thing…”  Jane paused, knowing she had missed something. “What did you just say?”

“Her name is Maura.”  Angela answered.

“I know what her name is!” Jane snapped suddenly angry and way more frustrated than she should be. _Fucking shit._

“Then say it, Janie.”

“I say it every day. What’s the big deal about me saying it now?”

Angela Rizzoli shrugged. “Don’t know. You tell me.”

Jane reached for her beer. There had to be a drop left. She was beyond parched.

“I can get you anoth—“

“I don’t want another!” Jane nearly screamed. She jumped up nearly sending her chair to the floor.

Silence surrounded them, except for the slight blaring of the television two rooms away.

Angela reached for the now discarded drink.

The knowledge and compassion shining in her mother’s eyes made Jane’s knees weak.

“Then why don’t you tell her?”

Jane deflated and sank back into her seat.

“You’re my little girl. You didn’t think I’d notice?”

“Ma, I—“

“You haven’t been yourself for a while. I’ve been trying to wait for the right time, but I couldn’t wait anymore.”  Angela paused. “You come over week after week dragging like somebody handed you your own ass.  You’re hurting, Janie. I can see it plain as day.”

Jane pushed shaking hands through her hair. “I can’t tell her.  She loves _him._  She’s going to marry _him._ ”

“How do you know there’s nothing there for you? You’ve seen each other through some of the worst of times—“

“That’s what friends do, Ma.”

“Lovers do the same.” Angela added.

Exasperated because she wanted to believe but couldn’t allow herself to do so, Jane curled a hand into a fist, striking the table with vehemence. “We’re not lovers, and I’m not going to fuck up lives because of something that might be.”

“I haven’t met Peter yet, but I know enough of Maura to know she doesn’t let people in on a whim.”

“No, she doesn’t.”  Jane agreed.

“So, answer me this. Is there anything about her you don’t know?”

“That’s not—“ 

“Just answer the question, Janie.”

“Probably not.”

“Do you honestly think she let him in as far?”

Jane knew for a fact that she hadn’t.   She was silent. Her heart thudded against her chest as if it smelled hope in the air and tried to reach out for it.




“Just because you don’t answer me doesn’t mean I don’t know the answer.”

Jane prayed that what she was feeling wasn’t written all over her.

“Oh, baby. It’s okay to hope.” Her mother murmured.

Jane hung her head as emotion assailed her. “No…it’s not.”

“I think you have a lot more than that. You just have to find it.”

Jane sighed and closed her eyes.

“I know that’s easy for me to say. You know Peter.”

“I want her to be happy.”  Jane said with conviction, meeting her mother’s gaze.

“I’m sure part of you does, but I think the other part wants her to be happy with you.”

“I’m human, Ma.”  _Damn right I do._

“You are, but shouldn’t you be sure that she really is and not trying to convince everyone including herself?”

Jane looked away. “You’re right. It is easy for you.”

Angela sighed. “Okay, but I know I gave you something to think about whether you admit it or not.”

Jane stood again. “I’m gonna go. It’s getting late.”

Neither one of them pointed out that it was only 7:15pm.

**

Maura was aware that it took talent, dedication and a certain degree of stubbornness to hold onto anger this long, but she had come to the conclusion that she was all of those things and a plethora of others. She had eaten and slept, though sparingly, like any other functional person but with a little something extra. Maura sighed irritably as Peter gazed at her once more, which had now reached a grand total of seven times since they left her house.

“I know I’m probably aggravating the hell out of you, but I’ve never seen you like this. It must be something pretty big to piss—“

Maura held up her hand forestalling any more conversation about it. “It just doesn’t concern you so please for the sixth time will you cease your inquiry?” 

His eyes flashed with hurt and he pressed his lips together tightly. “Maybe we should cancel dinner.”

“I would have if I’d answered the phone.”  Maura stated accusingly. She was more than aware that she wasn’t herself, but she also knew that she was past the point to do anything about it.

“So how was I supposed to know to do it?! Obviously, your friend Addison has something to do with your mood.”

“Peter, please.”

As they reached a red light, Peter threw up his hands. “God! All right, I’m shutting up. If it doesn’t concern me, you shouldn’t be treating me like shit.”

Silent and seething, Maura glared out the window as traffic whizzed past them. She should have felt guilty for her treatment of him, and she did at first but she was way on the other side of irascible at this point. Apologies would have to come later. Even though, Maura was a logical individual she was also human and at times slave to her baser instincts and anger happened to be one of the most basic.

There hadn’t been time to pick things apart; to analyze the ache; or the sick feeling slithering in the pit of her stomach. There hadn’t been time to stop in wonder at depth of her emotion or find its cause. There had only been rage in its most self-righteous and irrational of forms.

It led her to shun Addison’s phone calls through most of the weekend and resist the urge to reach out to her best friend. Simply because her best friend was involved in the matter. Very involved.  Maura’s fury went up a notch. It was Jane’s fault that she had no one to go to. Well, except for Peter, and Maura knew he was incapable of giving her the satisfaction she needed at the moment. After all, she had already asked of him one simple thing, space, and he had been reluctant to even give her that.

 _How could they? We’re in the middle of planning my wedding!_   Maura actually expected something like this from Addison. After their relationship ended, her room had a revolving door, but Jane.  Jane was never selfish and self-serving.  Jane would never…   _Unless, she wasn’t all right._

“Let me just say this. I was just thinking and taking a look at the past couple of days. Again, I have never seen this side of you, and I just realized that you must really trust me to show it.”

Maura’s thoughts came to a screeching halt. “Excuse me?”

Peter seemed to deflate. “Nothing, I was just wondering if you were going to be like during dinner? You may be upset with Addison but---.”

“Of course not. I have some sense of decorum. We’ll be in public. I know how to contain myself.”

*

Addison wove her way through the sea of tables a few steps behind the hostess.  A million eyes followed her progress. Addison grinned, loving every second of it. It added to the sense of satisfaction teeming through her. She had dangled plenty of bait. Some had been obvious but the bigger piece had been inadvertent or a happy accident whichever worked. By the lack of communication, Addison knew that Maura had swallowed every piece of it whole.

The hostess stopped. Addison stepped around her to see Maura sitting.  She caught Addison’s gaze but her expression was close to unreadable. _Okay, this is going to be interesting._ Addison switched her attention to a rather good looking man smiling at her expectantly.

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Peter.”

Addison blinked but continued to stare at him. _Holy shit._ She didn’t mean to ignore his offered handshake, but she was decidedly stunned. _He could be Jane’s …well something._   Coming to her senses, she chuckled as she accepted his greeting. Maybe she didn’t have to work as hard as she thought.  “You too.”

Peter pulled out her chair. Addison smiled in thanks. Once seated, she peered at them both as she reached for the wine menu. That’s when it nearly smacked her in the head…awkwardness and something else.  Before she had the chance to open it, Addison sat the menu down. “Do I need to show my tits? Only one of you at this table has seen them. I don’t want there to be any inequity.”

Maura covered her face with her hand.

Peter grinned then laughed hysterically.  “God, I think we needed that.”

“I’ll say. I could cut whatever was going on here…”  Addison twirled her finger in a circle. “With a knife.”

“It’s been a weird couple of days. Wouldn’t you say, Maura?”  Peter asked.

“Very strange indeed.”  Maura answered as she brought her wine glass to her lips. Her tone dripped with sarcasm.

Addison ignored it for the time being.

“I don’t want to sound like the typical guy, but is there video, audio or something?”

“Of?” Addison asked.

“You and Maura of course.” Peter deadpanned.

Addison paused then grinned. “Wicked sense of humor you have there.” _I haven’t seen that recently no, not at all._ “And I can assure you that if you’re marrying Maura, you’re not the typical guy.”

“That was a funny looking compliment, but I have to say Maura has some interesting friends.”  Peter added.

“I have to agree with you there.  I’ve met Jane.”

Maura choked.

Peter laughed again but this time it sounded forced.  “Yeah, that Jane is special.”

“Mm hm, she is that.” Addison glanced at Maura but found her hiding suspiciously behind a menu.  “Speaking of Jane, I have to say you remind me a lot of her.”  _Let’s get that out and play with it._

Maura’s menu fell from her fingers.

Peter chuckled, sounding decidedly nervous.  “We just met five minutes ago.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to offend. It’s just that you could be related. I can’t believe no one else has seen it.”

“I’m sure there are a million dark skinned, dark haired men around.”  Peter added definitely offended.

“Mmm.”  _Well, that’s a special response. I think his tree has been shaken._   Addison changed the subject as she picked up the wine list. “What’s good here, Maura? I’m in the mood for something dry.” Addison peered at her friend who in turn shot daggers in her direction.

An auburn brow rose. _She. Is. Pissed._  It usually took an earth shattering event to make Maura angry.  Addison knew she had been part of said event.

Maura threw her napkin on the table. “I’m going to the ladies room Addison. I would like it very much if you joined me.”  Green eyes flashed in her direction.

Addison turned the page to the reds. “No, I’m okay thank you.”

“Now, Addison.” Maura’s voice was quiet but the message was clear.

She put the wine list on the table and smiled winningly in Peter’s direction. He looked as though he ate something decidedly foul. “Well, I guess we’re going to the bathroom.”

Walking languidly, Addison followed Maura into the ladies room.  She leaned against the sink and crossed her arms over her chest waiting patiently as Maura checked underneath the stalls.

“Problem?” Addison asked and it almost sounded innocent. “You look like you want to pull my hair out.”

Maura turned to her and blinked. “I would never—“

“Oh come on, Maura. It’s me you’re talking to. I know how passionate you can be. I remember nights when I didn’t think you’d ever come up for air.”

Maura’s face flamed red. “What does that have to do with anything?!”

Addison cocked a brow and waited. It was the perfect segue.

“So, are you trying to say it’s somehow my fault that you were having sex with my best friend in a dressing room?”

Addison stepped away from the question. It was way too easy.  “You seem…upset.”  She deliberately understated.

“Yes, what gave it away?”  Maura crossed her arms across her chest and glared.

“Have you asked yourself why? I know that brain of yours must be on overdrive trying to analyze everything.”

Maura looked away. “I-I haven’t been able to concentrate on much else.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you’ve let yourself run around all weekend pissed as hell?”

“Yes, well—“

“That didn’t scare you?” Addison asked.

Maura sputtered. “What do you mean?”

“That’s an awfully powerful emotion to hold onto for so long. Sounds like there’s more to it than that. I’d say its jealousy.”

Maura’s eyes widened in surprise and disbelief. “Why on earth would I be jealous?”

“Why on earth would you be mad? We’re both free and single the last time I checked.”

“How…how is it possible? You’ve been here for ten minutes and things have gotten worse than they were before?”  Maura asked totally avoiding the question.

“Talented, I guess?”  Addison shrugged.  She knew she was walking a fine line between being aggravating and mean but she wanted Maura emotional. Addison was convinced that it was the only way to make her see.

“Why would you say something like that about Peter?” Maura demanded.

 “You know this isn’t really a subject change. They go hand in hand.”

“Addison!”  Maura’s chest was actually heaving.

“I said it because it’s true! But I have to tell you, I’m sure their similarities only go so far. Peter is tame, and Jane…Jane fucks like a hero.” Addison answered with conviction.

Maura seemed to shrink. She brought a shaking hand to her mouth and covered it. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out with you and Derek…” Maura’s tone was full and quivering. “But you don’t know anything about Peter and you don’t know Jane.”

 _I guess it’s a good thing I don’t know Peter. He’s probably going to be the one hurt the most out of this. I’m right about this. Where there’s smoke…_ “I know enough, but that’s not the point, Maura.”

“Then what is the point?”

“I’m not trying to hurt anyone.”  Addison added.

 “Then what is it?”

Addison sighed. She was exhausted and the night had barely begun. “I’ve given you everything you need, Maura. You figure out why you’re jealous---“

Maura opened her mouth to speak.

“Jealous. That’s what it is Maura hidden under all that anger. You figure out why. Open your eyes.”  Addison expected hesitancy and regret for her hand at playing God, but all she felt was sense of purpose and an overwhelming feeling of rightness.  It was the same feeling of self-assurance and self-confidence she got diagnosing and saving the most fragile of lives. She was a doctor after all--- a God complex was probably a pre-requisite.

“Why? Why are you doing this?” Maura pleaded.  Fear, confusion and a host of other emotions captured Maura’s expression, but Addison knew somewhere a seed had been sown.

“Because I care, Maura. I know that I can be an ass. I know that I can be hard to deal with at times, but I take care of the people in my life. You’re one of them.”

“I’m happy, Addison.”  Maura said weakly. Her ire deflated, leaving only continued attempts at token denial.

Addison shook her head. “You could be even happier. You’ve had the blinders forever. Time for them to come off.”  She pushed away from the sink. “I need a drink. Are you coming?”

Maura’s expression was incredulous. “How can you expect to go out there and everyone function normally?”

“I expect for you guys to do what you’ve been doing. What’s another night of ignorance?”  Addison asked not expecting an answer.  She headed toward the door. 

Addison waited for Maura outside the bathroom. The lost expression on her face tugged at Addison’s heart. She threw an arm over Maura’s shoulders.  She almost expected a flinch but strong shoulders seemed to sag under the weight they now carried. There were a million things she could say, but Addison knew she had said plenty.

**

Helped by the moonlight teeming in through the open curtains of her bedroom, Maura stared at the artistic swirls of paint that lined the ceiling. She laid alone in the expanse of the king size bed and presently, she felt like the only one in creation. Peter had thankfully agreed that the night apart was in order for them both. Maura remembered the haunted look in his eyes and she had desperately wanted to address it. Yet, she was completely overwhelmed by her own hodgepodge of emotions.

There was nothing she wanted to do more at the moment than reach out to Jane. Her best friend had always made sense of the things she found difficult to understand, but she wasn’t ready. Things were too raw and close to the surface. Addison’s words had found a way around doors Maura kept locked and barricaded since this began, and now, she had no choice but to look around the corners. The last few hours staring at the ceiling had been mentally draining to say the least.  _I guess the bottle and a half of wine I drank doesn’t help matters either._

Jealous.

Maura did not like this jealous. It was entirely too unpredictable. It wasn’t an emotion she was familiar with until now, but presently, Maura was aware that it made an individual do things that were at times completely out of character. _I want no part of it_. She loathed this jealous.

Yet, her chest still burned when she thought about Jane and Addison. She didn’t like that they talked and shared laughter. She didn’t like that they had possibly exchanged secrets. She didn’t like that they spent any time at all especially sexually.  That was something Maura didn’t want to think about in the least.   Altogether, where did it all leave her? The question sounded selfish even to her.  




Alone.

But there was Peter. _He’s a good man._

It left her alone… with Peter.  It was simple…again.

She didn’t want to be alone with Peter.

Maura blinked heavily and yawned. _That didn’t sound… right._

Her eyelids drooped.  Then snapped open as her jumbled brain continued its attempts to analyze despite a sudden pulse of fear.  What did it matter that they had similar features?  What did it matter that they had any similarities?  It had only caused her a modicum of discomfort. Obviously, she was attracted to the same thing in a lover as she was in her friend.

_Wait. That didn’t sound right either._

Maura’s eyes closed. Her head began to pound. Addison wanted her to figure it all out, but surely not in one night. All Maura knew at the moment was that she was lonely, jealous, still somewhat angry and utterly confused by it all, but Addison had been right. There was something she was missing. That much, Maura could admit with assurance.

Jane would have known what to do. Maura reminded herself. She just wanted… “Jane.”  She muttered as sleep claimed her.

*

Peter pulled on pajama pants and sat heavily on the edge of his bed. A tired, shaky sigh escaped as he covered his face with his hands.  His chest felt like it was in a vice and a throbbing headache wasn’t far behind. _What was that? What the hell was that?_

He kept the questions to himself because he was afraid to speak them out loud. Still, the reality of it crashed down on him like the veritable ton of bricks.  Jane wasn’t all right. Neither was Maura, and now he didn’t feel too good himself.  A creepy, prickly feeling inched up his spine, and Peter didn’t know if he was going to feel better any time soon.

**

Jane swallowed the last dregs of the good coffee she got from the cafe across the street and rose from her chair to go get some of the shitty stuff from the pot by Frost’s desk.

She filled her cup then sat on the edge of her partner’s empty desk. Taking a sip, Jane peered down at the inky blackness. It tasted like ass.  She took another sip and decided that it fit her perfectly because she felt like ass and more than likely looked like it as well.

Her clothes barely fit anymore, and this morning her hair refused to be tamed.

It was Monday morning and nothing was well.

She had yet to hear from Maura and a short phone conversation with a giddy, cryptic Addison had been less than fulfilling.  Sleep had been slow to come to her, and when it did the sun had already awakened. The dark smudges under her eyes told the tale. Jane wiped a hand across her face.

Frost whistled as he breezed past her.  He sat in his chair and peered up at her. Frost grimaced.  “You look like ass.”

Jane snorted. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Did you go barhopping last night? You haven’t called me to go. So I was wondering…”

“No, I’ve not been hopping.”  Jane answered.

Frost gazed at her for a few seconds as epiphany shined through. “You found a bed to stay in?”

“I-“  Jane sighed and let the words tumble from her mouth. “I haven’t heard from Maura in days.”

Frost’s mouth opened. “Oh, that’s why you look like ass.”

Jane nodded and looked away.

“What does this have to do with you and hopping?”

“I’m sure they go together really well. The bed I found is her friend from med school. She’s a bridesmaid in the wedding.” Jane answered.

“Wait. Is that the red head that was in here looking for you the other day?”

“Yeah.”

Frost sucked in a breath. “Damn. She’s…I’d be happy to lick her toothbrush.”

Jane paused to give that statement some thought. Frost had a very strange ability to make her laugh when it seemed like it was impossible for her to do so.  She chuckled as a result. “That was—“

“Yeah, I know. So why is that a big deal?”

“I’m not sure but I think Maura knows.”

Frost blinked. “You told her?”

“Uh, no. I kinda fell between Addison’s legs when we went for the dress fitting on Friday.”

Frost peered at her.  “Are you saying you got busy in some dress shop?”

“Yeah, I-“

“Look, I know this is serious, but I really don’t like you right now.  I just wanted to get that out there.”

Jane smiled lazily even though her heart wasn’t in it.

“Did she walk in on it or something?” Frost continued seamlessly.

“Or something.  I guess she just figured it out.”

“And why would she be mad enough to give you the silent treatment for that? Why would she even care?”

“I’ve been trying to figure that out myself.”

Frost leaned back in his chair. It squeaked in protest.  “That’s fucked up, man. I’m sorry.”  He paused and looked thoughtful. “You know, she could be jealous.”

“I thought of that, but she has to know that I’ll be here when Addison’s gone.”

“Nah that’s not big enough for the way she’s acting… the other kind of jealous.” Frost looked at her meaningfully.

“What the fuck ever. That makes even less sense. Have you been talking with Ma?”

“Your mother thinks she’s jealous too?”

“No, she just has other crazy ideas about the whole thing.”

Frost went silent and began to look thoughtful again.  “What if we’ve been looking at this the wrong way?”

“No. Now, you’re really starting to sound like her.”  Jane stood up, intent on going back to her own desk.

“She could be onto something. Women don’t act like that without a reason. I know I’m flipping the switch here, but look at the evidence.”

“Barry, no.”  Jane said as firm with him as she had been with her mother.

Unperturbed, Frost marched on.  “What have you got to lose?  You’re already acting like there’s nothing left.”

The statement stopped her cold.

Frost smiled sadly at her, knowing he had made an impact.  “I got a text from her on the way in. She has some new info on our guy from last week.”

“She couldn’t just text you or email it?” Jane asked. It stung like hell that she hadn’t received a message in kind.

“Guess not. You coming?”  He stood.

“I think you can handle this.” Jane felt weak, defenseless. It was very disconcerting.   _I have no idea what to say to her. Hell, I don’t even know if I want to say anything to her. Ah, who the fuck am I kidding?_

“I can but I can’t handle you being a pussy.”  Frost glared at her in challenge.

“Fuck you, Frost.”  Jane wanted to be angry with him but when it came down to, he was right. She couldn’t avoid her forever even though Maura seemed intent on doing just the opposite.

“Uh huh, I’ll be waiting by the elevator.”

**

Maura tried to blink the gritty feeling from her eyes, but it just served to make the feeling worse. She adjusted her goggles and continued to saw through the woman’s chest cavity. Wine and only a couple of hours of sleep left her exhausted and probably a great deal more emotional than she should have been.

She had to admit that maybe she would have felt better if she had texted Jane instead of Frost, but after going so long without contact it seemed ludicrous to reestablish things in that manner.

“Maura!”

The sound of her name startled her. Maura retracted the saw immediately, knowing that in her highly distracted state she had almost gone too deep.  She peered from Frost to Jane before ripping the gloves from nervous hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you come in.”

Barry smiled. “Figured as much. Hence the yelling.”

Jane looked everywhere except at her, but it left Maura with a chance to study unfettered. Jane didn’t look…well still.  _Obviously Addison isn’t taking proper care of her._   A heartbeat later, Maura had to admit that neither was she. The woman that was usually her rock was frayed around the edges.

“Uh, doc? Did you hear me?”

Maura snapped to attention. “Uh, sorry no.” She rubbed her forehead.

Frost took a step toward her. “You okay, Maura?” He asked softly.

His tone nearly brought tears to her eyes. _No, I don’t think I am._ “I’m just a little tired.”

She noticed that he glanced at his partner before nodding in understanding. “You have some news for us?”

“Yes, our stabbing. The consistency of his blood was odd. It should have been thick, congealed to go along with full rigor. I suspect poison, but we have to wait on the labs for a positive result.”

“So would you say this increases our chances that the killer was in the medical field?”

“I’d say that probability was high, and given that he had recent surgery at Boston Med, it’s even higher. His name was James Moore. I traced the serial number on the stint in his heart.”

Jane had moved closer. Maura had her full attention at least in this aspect.

“Well, I guess we have a hospital to visit.”  Frost nodded. “Thanks, doc.”

Jane had already turned to leave. “Ja-ne?” Maura’s voice cracked.

She stopped but she didn’t turn. “Can I have a moment?”

The partners peered at each for several long seconds before Frost nodded almost imperceptively. Then, they were alone. Maura licked her lips as nerves fluttered. “Would it be…too much to ask for you to face me?”

“Yes, but I guess I could do it anyway.”  Jane answered. She turned but her gaze skittered away.

 _What do I say? What on earth do I say? I miss her._   “Jane, I—“

“You whatMaura?”  She asked irritably.

Maura’s heart stuttered. _I’m sure she doesn’t speak to Addison in that manner._   Something boiled in the pit of her stomach. “Did you have a nice weekend?”

“I’m sure it was a hell of a lot shittier than yours. Look, what is the p—“

“You didn’t see Addison?” Maura could see herself stumbling toward a dangerous path but couldn’t stop herself from taking the journey.

There was a sharp intake of breath. “Ah, so that really is what this is about? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. C’mon, Maura. What the hell does it matter who I fuck and where I do it?”

Maura cringed at the language and her insides froze at the imagery it produced. It only served to increase her ardor. _I despise this jealous_. “She’s not a permanent fixture in your life. In less than two months, she’ll be gone—“

“Who said I wanted her to be? I think you’re getting enough permanence for all of us.”

“What does that mean?”  Maura demanded.

“Nothing. So tell me…who should I be fucking? I thought you were one of the permanent things in my life. So should I be fucking you?”  Jane’s tone was mocking and full of pain.

 _Jane fucks like a hero._   Addison’s words reverberated mingling with Jane’s. Unexpected heat coiled in Maura’s belly.  Her arousal was swift and all encompassing, sucking the breath from her lungs and tripling her heart beat. _Oh, God._

A gasp escaped, and Maura was suddenly grateful that Jane refused to meet her gaze.

Jane threw up her hands. “Fuck this!”

A few seconds later, Maura was alone. _Jane. _Stunned and completely taken about by the rawness of her reaction, she pressed a hand to her stomach and murmured, "Oh, God."__ Maura’s eyes began to clear.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**

The arm across Maura’s waist felt as though it weighted a veritable ton. She turned her head slowly verifying the evidence of deep breathing and lack of movement as proof of sleep. Dark hair fell into Peter’s eyes giving him the look of boyish innocence. It should have melted her heart, but it didn’t.

There was only fear.

The apologies she offered him and the make-up sex had been an admission of wrong doing, but  underlying  distress played a bigger role. The power and the unpredictability of her current emotions were alien to her, a terrifying unknown, and now, there was Jane, who was a foreign solar system in her own right.

This left her petrified.

Maura swallowed and peered up at the ceiling, seeing the same patterns that had been there two nights ago… the same patterns that have always been and wondered if she could safely decipher the riddle her life had suddenly become.

Epiphany was not a word that was large enough in scope for Maura’s experience. The awareness and arousal she felt had been visceral as if she recognized a missing component of herself and reached out greedily for it. It was a singular reminder of the emptiness that had gone unacknowledged throughout the years, whispering that it was still present and gaping as ever.

She had been so sure that her affinity for women had been a phase… a very pleasurable but rebellious phase in a life that needed a splash of color. With Maura’s discovery of the fairer sex came a thirst that had almost been insatiable.  When it became too much, infringing upon her dreams, her plans, she brushed it aside for more important things and ignored the hole it left behind. _I refuse to feel that out of control again._

In this instance, she despised Addison for kicking open a door that had been tightly closed. She despised Jane for being the purveyor, and she despised herself for allowing it.

With these recent realizations also came the determination to return to status quo. So, Maura reached out to Peter. She saw his wariness and his worry, but still, she reached out apologizing for her behavior and that of her friends. She opened her body to him, hoping that his gentleness and his affectation for her would be enough to satisfy her hunger.

He didn’t even come close.

He tried valiantly once, twice and even a third time. He whispered sensitive things, dirty things and asked her to show him what was needed. Maura tried even as he peered at her with fear in his eyes. She tried, but it wasn’t enough. Without another word, he rolled off, pulled her tightly into his arms and  settled into a troubled sleep.

Completely alone with her thoughts, they began to wander. _I’m attracted to Jane._   Maura’s stomach clenched. _Very attracted._ It was an acknowledgement she had to make because it all made sense… the jealousy, the anger, the confusion. _I don’t want this. I don’t need this._ A hard lump formed in her throat making it almost impossible to swallow.

Occam’s Razor.

It **was** the simplest explanation. She just didn’t want it to be.

Peter mumbled in his sleep.

Maura glanced at him, softly brushing the hair away from his brow. Now, she could add guilt to the foray. The man she planned to marry lay next to her as she admitted her attraction to another. _He’s a good man._ It was a line she repeated a thousand times now.

Maura began dissecting the concept of attraction through the eyes of a scientist. It wasn’t something she needed to act on. It wasn’t an uncontrollable compulsion. It was a collection of feelings and urges that anyone with will had to ability to overcome.  It was a construct, if not fostered, that would dissipate in time. Maura had done it before with Addison, and she convinced herself that it was possible again. Her heart thudded erratically.

This meant time and space.

This meant no Jane.

The next breath she took was full of pain and sadness encroached. _Can I do this to her? To us?  It could be months._   Maura recalled the argument between them. Jane had never spoken to her in that manner nor had Maura ever instigated it. The firmament of their friendship had a crack…obviously.  _How long has this been here? Is she the reason I was drawn to Peter? Have I been pushing her away all this time because of it? This … relationship she has with Addison…am I using it to push her away even further?_

There were so many questions and so many truths. Maura knew she had to find the right one.  Pain bloomed behind her eyes, but she knew sleep was not coming to her this night. Slowly, she pushed Peter’s arm away, wishing the heaviness of her emotions went with it. As quietly as possible, Maura slipped from the bed.

*

Feeling her absence even in his sleep, Peter awakened.  He turned and peered at the empty door way. They had to talk. _I have to know what this means. She’s all jumbled up inside, and I am too._   Peter released a breath slowly to minimalize the pain that had been lingering for days. He had come to his own conclusions over the past few days, and they had been a very bitter pill to swallow. He was guilty at times of not always seeing the big picture, but after missing the signs at first, the picture now blinked neon.   Jane’s cold shoulder…Jane’s everything all added up to one thing: she wanted Maura.  His heart fluttered painfully.

And Maura. Peter grudgingly admitted. Maura felt the same. _I could be some kind of fucked up substitute, and here I am in her bed. Dignity be damned._ He recalled Maura’s lack of response to him and felt even lower. _Pride is shit too._ The thought of losing Maura frightened him to no end. He was very aware of her past with women and had even teased that they had that in common. Jokes aside there had always been a very minute voice in the back of his mind murmuring that things like that just didn’t go away.

Still, he was a hopeful man. He was a determined man. _I wonder if she knows what Jane feels?_   Despite having two such positive traits, Peter was also human and by definition, selfish. In a split second, he made the decision that he wasn’t going to add fuel to the fire or stack the deck in Jane’s favor by broadcasting that bit of information.

 _It doesn’t matter. She’s just confused, and we can get through this._ “It’s my ring on her finger.”  Saying it out loud, Peter felt more confident.  “She said yes to me.” Bolstered by his own speech, Peter slid out of bed, put on underwear and went to look for his fiancée.

*

Maura glanced upward as the kitchen door opened. Their eyes met and she offered him a wan smile.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. I just missed you.”  His smile was shy and hesitant.

Guilt stabbed her. Maura looked away.  “Tea?” She asked as she picked up her own cup.

Peter shook his head. “No…talk.” 

Maura sucked in a deep breath and nodded. _God, Peter. I don’t know what to say to you right now._ “I knew you would.”

He sat down beside her and peered at her expectantly.  “You weren’t with me tonight.”

“No, I wasn’t. I’m sorry to put you through that.”

“Where were you?”

“Spread too thin it seems,” Maura answered.

Peter took a moment as if pondering the statement, his expression reminded her so much of—

“I’m not sure what that means.”

Maura nearly got mental whiplash as her mind shifted gears from what she craved to what she thought she needed. _He deserves my full attention._  “It wasn’t you…”

A muscle pulsed in Peter’s jaw and something flashed in his eyes, reminding Maura that this was never a good way to start a conversation.  “There’s so much…I’m not sure how to decipher it all. I’m so sorry.”

Peter nodded. “How… do I fit in it all, Maura?”  His eyes pleaded for a comparable answer.

 _He knows and it must be killing him._ “You fit Peter. You always have.”  It was all Maura could offer him at the moment.

His eyes lowered to the table. “In my own right? Not as some weird substitute like Addison eluded to?”

“There are some qualities that I obviously endear, but that does not equal who you are.“  Maura paused and added softly. “I know that wasn’t the answer you were hoping for.”

“No, I…hell, I’m just going to come out and say it. This hurts, Maura. It fucking h-urts.”

Maura’s heart stuttered. She reached across the table, taking his hand. “Peter?  Just what do you think   --- ?”




“I don’t know. Work is a big part of my life, but no one is blind forever. I know this much… you want Jane. There were just too many signs to miss, especially after Sunday and tonight.”

Maura leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes for a brief second, but it was enough to fuel her conviction. “It’s only attraction, and I didn’t know. At least, I didn’t see it.”

Peter covered his face with a hand. “Thank you for admitting it.” He paused and released a shaky breath. “What does this mean for us?”

Maura peered into her cup of tea before meeting his eyes. “I’ve come to some conclusions but I’m unsure of the execution. This is something that can be overcome, Peter."  She held her rationalization up like armor in hopes it would protect and guide her back to the right path.

“How?” He asked incredulously. “You’re going to quit your job? Kick her out of the wedding?”

“I can’t quit my job, but I don’t know,” Maura whispered.  “I don’t know,” she said again, louder.  The flash of pain was almost overwhelming. Despite their current state, Jane was her best friend, her family. _Is my future worth giving up the life that got me here?_

“I’m supposed to sit and wait while you get through this?”  Peter asked. His eyes shined.

“Peter, I—“ 

“I will…you know.” He interrupted hurriedly.  “I’m not going anywhere as long as you don’t want me to. You’re right. We’ll figure this out.”

 _He loves me. I can get through this... somehow._   He was selfless, self- sacrificing. Maura squeezed his hand and his belief became hers.  She silenced the voice whispering in the back of her mind that Jane was all these things and so much more.

**

Lying limply on her stomach, Addison floated in a pleasant haze. Her body hummed with satisfaction along with a healthy dose of fatigue. She was aware of the person next to her…vaguely and knew that this person was responsible for the pleasant fog that settled over her.  Addison reached over and squeezed the first body part she could reach in thanks.

Jane murmured and moved closer. She had been more insatiable than ever.

Addison squealed as Jane’s hand found its way between her legs once more. Despite the wetness that still existed, she clamped her thighs around the invasion. “Don’t touch it,” she whined.

Jane’s answering chuckle sounded decidedly dirty.

Addison squeezed harder.

“Ow!”

“Pilates, bitch.” Addison muttered.

“That’s my gun hand. Let go.”

“Are you going to be nice?” Addison asked.

“I won’t touch it. I promise.”

Addison released her grip only to groan a few seconds later as Jane’s wet tongue left a blazing trail down her back. “You said---“

“I won’t touch it.”

Jane’s tongue dipped lower and lower.  Addison’s eyes widened. She had forgotten about _that_ part of her body. “No fair,” she whimpered.

Her moans filled the bedroom.

*

Some time later, after Addison had regained use of her faculties, she clicked on the bedside lamp and examined her surroundings in earnest. Somehow this had been her first visit to Jane’s home, and for a moment, curiosity got the better of her. Cool earth tones peppered the bedroom from the walls to the sheets. Addison smirked. It was just as she had envisioned it, subtlety masculine but not overdone. Allowing herself to linger a few seconds more, she then turned to more important things. Her mind wandered to said things as Jane showered. They had been put off long enough.

For the past two days, Jane had barely said two words to her despite the misery and confusion in her eyes. Jane’s body had done the talking in the most pleasurable of ways. Addison sighed, knowing that there was still much to discuss.

Hopefully, she had helped one friend. _God, I hope Maura bought a clue and didn’t try to return it._   Addison peered at the bathroom door. Now, she had to try to help the other and she was not so sure Jane was going to be happy with her brand of aid. In all actuality, Addison knew they should have talked before the sex, but a little selfish imp on her shoulder urged her to take what she could get…while she could get it. She didn’t hesitate to give in.

The sudden sound of whimpering and scratching on the side of the bed distracted Addison from heavy thoughts.  She looked over the side, peering into soulful brown eyes.

The owner of the eyes growled just as the bathroom door opened. Jane strolled out naked and rubbing her hair vigorously with a towel.

There was another growl. An auburn brow rose, as Addison glanced back down at Jo Friday. “I didn’t say this before because I was well…occupied but I pictured you as more of the German Shepherd type.”

Jane shrugged and threw the towel on the bed. “I can surprise you.”

“Mmm, well she didn’t do this earlier.”  Addison stared at her would be adversary and smiled.

The growling stopped as Jo Friday sat. Her head cocked to the side as she emitted a whimper.

“What did you do to my dog, Addison?”

Addison made a kissing noise and Jo Friday tried valiantly to jump in the bed.  She chuckled as she reached down to scratch her ears.  “I can surprise too, Rizzoli.”

“Uh huh.”

“Nice place by the way…what I got to see of it.”

“Thanks.  Shower is in there if you want it.”  Jane hiked a thumb over her shoulder. “And you can help yourself to the fridge if you’re hungry.”  She padded over to a chest of drawers. After a few seconds of searching, she pulled on a ratty AC/DC t-shirt and boxers.

 _Somebody has walls up. Who can blame her?_ “I’ll keep that in mind.” Addison covered herself with the pale green cotton sheet and patted the empty side of the bed. Jane rolled her eyes but sat anyway.  Turning away slightly, she reached for the remote. The television blared as a basketball game filled the screen.  Jane leaned forward already engrossed.

Ignoring Jane’s obvious interest in the game, Addison asked, “You want to talk now? About what happened?”

Jane sighed. “I thought we just did that.”

“No, we fucked. Last time I checked there was a huge difference.”

“Well, then maybe I got out all I needed to.”

“Bullshit.”  Addison countered.  She reached out tugging on a strand of messy dark hair. “Whatever happened it hurt and pissed you off.”

“I’d say that was obvious.”

For a few minutes, the TV was the only sound in the room.

“Mmkay, how about throwing me a bone? Paraphrase?” Addison asked.

“She has no right telling me who I can and can’t fuck. She’s getting married for fucks sake!”  Jane practically yelled in answer. Her eyes glittered as if it had just happened.

“True, but—“

“I changed my mind… really don’t want to talk about this right now.” Jane radiated tension.

Addison sighed. “Okay.  How about this then…I’ll talk and you can listen?”

“I think I could probably do that.”

 _Here goes nothing. I’m sure this will be interesting._ “There are some things I should have told you before I let you attack me that probably would have shed some light on the whole Maura situation.”

Jane glanced at her and waited.

“Let me start by pointing out that I can be a selfish bitch, but if you weren’t so fucking hot, maybe I would have said something before the orgasms.”

Jane shrugged.  “We’ve been using each other. I think that’s a well- established fact.”

“True. We did agree on that.”  Addison sucked in a deep breath.

“Yeah,” Jane mumbled warily.

“I’m just going to lay my cards on the table. The whole time I’ve been helping you…well, I’ve been helping Maura too.”  _Phew, that wasn’t as hard to get out as I thought it would be._

Jane’s eyes widened to the size of saucers.

 _Does she think---_ “Oh God! Not that way!” Addison clarified. “Just because I said I would always love her doesn’t mean I would try to **love** her.”

Jane picked up the remote, muting the television. She gave Addison her full attention. “Just what the hell are you getting at?”

“You didn’t know Maura like I did. There is no way she’s as straight as she pretends to be. Plus, there were other signs that almost hit me in the face. Meeting Peter, really sold it for me.”

“Addison, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Oh come on! You didn’t notice that he’s a lot like you?”

“I know for a fact that there are plenty of dark haired, dark skinned Italian types around here. It’s what she likes obviously. You’re not making sense.”  Jane added.

“God, she’s rubbed off on you with the rationalizing.”

Jane glared.

Addison rolled her eyes. “There’s more to it than that. I knew it within ten minutes of talking to him.”

“He’s a good guy. Tries a little too hard sometimes, but he’s still a good guy.”

“Would you shoot me if I popped you in the back of the head?” Addison asked.

“Probably.”

“Good to know. Now, let’s look at the evidence.”

“Evidence of what? What is wrong with you?”  Jane asked. Her voice seemed to rise each time she spoke.

“Just hear me out.  Maura was pissed at me Sunday night.”

“Yeah, she was pissed at me on Monday.”

“She doesn’t like us together.” Addison added.

“Well, we haven’t exactly been there for her.”

“Jesus, Jane.” Addison pinched the bridge of her nose.

“What?”

“She doesn’t like us fucking. She is so jealous her whole damned body should be green. You should have been there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her like that,”

Jane’s face was an unreadable mask.

“She tried to warn me away from you.” Addison added. “So, I meddled, poked and dropped hints instead of slapping her in the face with it…well at first.”

Jane rubbed her temples and dark eyes narrowed.

“It all culminated on Sunday when I told her that Peter was you in a tie.”

“You did what?!”  Jane stood up. Her eyes were wide and unfocused.

“I meddled, and I thought you should know whether you liked it or not.” Addison said unapologetically. “You’re not alone in this. Maura’s right there with you. It’s written all over her.”

Jane sat back down heavily. She blinked, but after a few seconds, the vacant stare was starting to get alarming.

“Jane? Are you going to yell at me? Try to kick me out? Something?”

After a few more seconds, Jane muttered with menace. “Yes, all of the above.”

“Well, you can try but I’m right in doing this. I feel it in my gut.”  Addison stood her ground.

“First my mother, Frost and now you? Don’t you think these things happen for a reason? She’s with him because she wants to be!”

“Yes, things happen for a reason. I’m here early for a reason. We met for a reason. Don’t you get it?”

“No,” Jane dropped her head into her hands. “This can’t be. Don’t you **_get_** it?”

“This is good news.”

“For who? I’m sure Peter just jumped up and down when you compared him to me.”

“It’s not about hurting anyone---“

“You don’t get it do you Addison? This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my fucking life, but I was doing it no matter how bad I was sucking at it because I was sure that’s what she wanted. Now, you went and made it ten times harder. He loves her!

“So do you!”

“Yeah I do, and I was trying to learn to live with that. What am I going to do now? I can’t be in her wedding. How do I look Peter in the face?”

“The same way you did before. As for the wedding, there shouldn’t be one. Go after what you want.”

“Get out!”  Jane yelled pointing at the bedroom door.

Addison didn’t even flinch.  “No.”

Jane seemed to deflate before her eyes.  She shook her head. A laugh escaped. It was sad, sardonic.  “Do you hear yourself? Who fucking made you God?”

Addison ignored the second question. She had made her peace with it. “Yep, I remember every word.  I want you to hear this too. Stop sacrificing yourself. There’s no need for it.”

“It’s not that easy.  It’s just not.  All this shit could blow up in my face.  I don’t know. I just don’t know.”  Jane pushed her hands through still damp hair and turned shining eyes to Addison.

Addison could see that Jane was at her most vulnerable. She reached out, pulling Jane’s hand out of her hair. Their fingers intertwined. “I’m here for you. Not in the naked, hot sweaty way anymore.”  _God, I’m going to miss that. Why do I have to be a good person?_  “But, I’m here.”

 *

Later, the initial shock had worn off, but then, there was a period of numbness.  Now, Jane was completely and utterly out of sorts. The hands sifting through her hair should have had a soothing effect but they didn’t. Sleep refused to come. The TV flickered quietly in the background, but Jane had no idea who won the game nor at the moment did she care.  She shifted, moving her head to a different part of Addison’s lap to get more comfortable.

“You okay?” Addison asked quietly.

“No, but that shouldn’t keep you from getting some sleep.” _I don’t want to believe any of this but hindsight being what it is...the way she was acting makes perfect sense now._

“Yes it should. I’m partly responsible for putting you in this state.”

“No,” Jane disagreed. “I put myself there.”  _I wish there was some way I could have walked away. Maybe this shit wouldn’t have gotten so ripe._

“Nah, I know it sounds cliché but you really can’t help how you feel.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  Jane’s thoughts went to Maura. Something stirred in her chest. _She could be thinking about me right now._ Then, grudgingly, her thoughts went to Peter. Jane tried to clamp down on the hope she was feeling as a wave of guilt mingled with it. _What is he thinking right now?_

“Don’t you dare let guilt beat you down.”

 _How did she---_   “How did you know?” Jane asked.

“You’re so tense …. you’re practically vibrating. I knew you were feeling something.”

Jane fell silent. There was no need to reply. _How the fuck am I supposed to face her and be able to get through all this with her feeling something too?_   She swallowed and sucked in a deep breath in hopes of lightening the sudden crushing weight on her chest.  _I didn’t think there was any way that this could hurt any worse than it already did._

“Do something about it.”

“Will you get out of my head?!” Jane cried.

“Well, I didn’t know I was there but no… no I won’t.” Addison answered.

Jane growled in frustration. The weight became almost debilitating. _What the hell am I supposed the do? I’m fucked if I do and fucked if I don’t._   “This right here….it’s a clusterfuck.”

“The very definition my friend, but you don’t have to fix it right now. You have a little time.” Addison added.

“That doesn’t help at all.”

“Making a decision might.”

“Addison,” Jane’s tone was a warning.

“What? I’m just pointing out the obvious. It’s all I’ve been doing lately.”

“You cause trouble where ever you go don’t you?”  Jane asked.

“Usually, but it ends well. And, I’m always right.”

“Thanks for staying,” Jane said, ignoring Addison’s last statement. _I can’t deal with anymore tonight._

“You didn’t ask, but I just figured---“

“You figured right.”  Jane paused. “I’m turning to Sportscenter. I need… something else.” Jane moved away and sat up in the bed.

“I’ll go rustle up some coffee.”  Addison added.

**

Maura’s vision began to blur as she realized she had been staring at the same results for the past few minutes.  She blinked and rubbed the bridge of her nose but the headache continued to pound right behind her eyes.

She picked up the cup of chamomile tea and sipped. The tepid, bitter taste made her decide otherwise. Maura sighed and silently acknowledged that she was no closer to a decision than she had been the night before. It was beyond difficult to make a decision that was going to be best for everyone and left her with some modicum of sanity. _How did I allow my life to become so complicated?_

The knock on her office door pulled her from her thoughts. Maura glanced upward then groaned as her guest entered without permission.

“Hey. I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now---“

“Addison… that is an understatement of gigantic proportions.”

Addison held up her hands in supplication. “You’re mad at me. I get it.”

Maura shook her head. “I have no idea what I am right now. Everything was clear, and now it’s---“

“A clusterfuck?”

“I’m not sure what that is.”

“You can be a quick study if you put your mind to it.”

“And you can leave. I’m not up for this right now.” Maura muttered succinctly.

“Is there ever a good time for this sort of thing?” Addison returned not the least bit intimidated.

Maura’s hand clenched into a fist. She brought it down hard against her desk. “Addison! Please!”

“I’ve been yelled at a bit in the past twelve hours. Can you lower your voice just a tad?”

Maura’s thoughts immediately went to Jane. _I can’t let this get to me right now._

“You’re dying to ask about her aren’t you?  It looks like the silent treatment is getting to you both.”

Maura squeezed her eyes shut as a number of emotions including jealousy seeped around the wall she attempted to construct. “If I tell you what you want to hear, will you please leave?”  She asked through clenched teeth.

Addison peered at her as if waiting.

Maura looked away. “You were right. I do feel an attraction.”

Addison sighed and shook her head. “I know you two are completely different but there is something you so have in common. There’s this incredible stubbornness.”

Maura blinked. “I suppose it makes us both so good at what we do.”

“Uh huh. So, tell me. Did you figure out the other half of the equation yet?”

“You implied that you were leaving.”  Maura stated irritably.

“I did no such thing. Are you going to answer my question?”

“Are you even aware that you go beyond the lines of decorum?”  Maura asked as she dropped her face into her hands. She was bone weary both physically and emotionally. _Why can’t this just end?_

“I usually stomp on it and push it out of the way.”

Sighing tiredly, Maura whispered. “I surrender for right now Addison. I don’t have it in me to fight. What’s your question?”

“Do you understand why she looks like shit? Why she’s been so distant?”

Bile churned in Maura’s stomach, causing it to burn. Epiphany had become a dirty word to her. She took a deep shaky breath. “No… you’re wrong. You have to be. Why would she do that to herself?”  Maura’s voice quivered with emotion. Then, as an afterthought she added. “If she feels that way, why is she with you?”

“We’re not together, Maura. I’m just being her friend. It’s part of what she needed from me.”

 _How could I be so blind?_ “That means she’s---“

“Hurting…yeah.”

“God.” Maura felt like ice had been injected directly into her veins. “I had no idea.”

“I’m not trying to mean but you didn’t know because you didn’t want to know, Maura.”

Maura stiffened. “You do know how to just rip the bandage right off. Don’t you?"

“A trick I learned after we broke up and perfected later.”

A sinking feeling filled Maura. “Is that….” She swallowed in disbelief. “Is that why you’re doing this? Because I hurt you? Is this some sort of revenge?”

Addison sank down into a chair. “That would be easy wouldn’t it? But no. You should know better.”  She paused. “I do appreciate the acknowledgement however. You did hurt me.”  Addison’s smile was tight.

“I’m….sorry. You seemed fine. It didn’t seem to slow you down. We were even able to become friends.”

Addison chuckled. “Feeling numb was better than feeling anything at all, and I was your friend at first, Maura because I just wanted to be near you.”

Their gazes met for several long minutes.

“It was bad wasn’t it?” Maura asked.

Addison looked away. “Yeah, it was.”  Then back again. “That’s something I want you to take into account here.”

Maura leaned back in her chair trying to put some distance between them.  “It’s okay to devastate Peter but not Jane?”

“Somebody is going to get devastated either way. None of this would have happened if you just accepted who you are.”

The statement should have made her angry, but Maura had to admit she had some fault in this.“I know who I am Addison. I left that part of me behind long ago.”

Addison rose from the chair. “No, you left me behind. If that door was closed, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” Blue eyes gazed at Maura knowingly. “I’m going to go check on Jane which is something you should be doing. Last time I checked, she was still your friend. Don’t know about you but even when there’s a little confusion I don’t give my friends the cold shoulder.”

Silently, Maura watched her go. “No,” she whispered. “This is not happening.”  The urge to run, to disappear was utterly overwhelming. Panicking, she brought a hand to her chest as breath stilted there.  Every time she had mentioned Peter. Every time she involved Jane in wedding plans. Every time she had been distant. Maura had broken Jane’s heart, and despite it all Jane had remained standing right beside her.  Her eyes burned with tears but she refused to let them fall.  Her thoughts went to Peter. Maura’s anxiety went up a notch. There was so much responsibility. There was too much. Her lack of control over her emotions continued to scare her. _Something has to stop. I feel like I’m losing my mind._ Despite it all, Addison’s words carried weight and made her think.

**

Jane was aware of Frost’s gaze as she folded herself into her chair. Within a few seconds, he was there.

“Holy Shit, Jane.” His tone was alarmed.

“Yeah,” Jane rubbed a hand over her face which was free of make- up. “I know it’s bad. Didn’t sleep a wink last night.” _Hell, I don’t think I’ve slept more than a few hours the past couple of months._

“Should I just put the whole pot of coffee on your desk?”

“That would probably be a good idea or you could just inject it into my veins.”

Frost shook his head. “Maybe you need to just chain that red head of yours to the bed until you get it all out of your system. I mean, if you’re not gonna go for it.”

Jane gave him a bleary eyed stare. “She would probably like that, but been there done that. It doesn’t work all that well anymore.” She purposely ignored his last statement.

“You sure you were doing it right?”

Jane glared.

“I mean, did you smack it up, flip it, rub it down?”  Frost made several obscene hand motions.

Jane groaned and covered her eyes. “I did not just see that.”

“I can do it again if you want.”  She could hear the smile in his voice.

Jane fought against her own grin, but it won.

“Ah, there it goes!”

“Fuck you. Why do you do that anyway?”

“What? Try to make you feel better? I know right? I’m such an asshole.”

“Yes. Yes you can be, but I’m onto you.”

“Uh huh. So, you avoiding Maura again today?”

Jane shrugged, but the twinge of pain was real and piercing. _Fuck all, if I could just go an hour without hearing her name or thinking about her…_  “I’m just following her lead. Not much else for me to do is there?”

Frost sighed. “Must be a white person thing.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m just saying that African American’s as a culture go after what they want. Doesn’t matter what’s in their way. We wanted slavery to end….bam!  It ended.  We wanted civil rights….bam! We got them. We wanted white women---“

Jane released a bark of laughter. “I’m sure somehow that was racist.”

Frost gave her a toothy grin. “Seriously, though. The more you refuse to deal with it the harder it’ll be.”

“She’s getting married.”  _What am I supposed to do throw myself at her and hope she doesn’t throw me back? This shit hurts enough. I would like to walk away with a little bit of myself._   Despite her thoughts, Jane knew there was hope stirring in her belly. It was wound up tightly with apprehension, guilt and all out fear.

“Just think about it for a minute. What would it be like to never talk to Maura again?”

“My Janie is stubborn but she’s not stupid.”

Jane jumped in surprise. “Ma! You sneaking up on people now?”

“You not answering your phone now?” Angela Rizzoli answered.  “I’ve been calling for two days.”

Jane glared at her mother than at her partner. “I was busy.” She said through gritted teeth.

“What? I wasn’t paying attention either.” Frost added.

Angela Rizzoli sat on the edge of her daughter’s desk. “I have a ring don’t I? So you can ignore it whenever you feel like it?”

Jane looked everywhere except her mother. _I think she needs a puppy or something._

“Uh huh. Anyway, I can’t imagine what it would be like to never talk to your father again. Although on some days I regret that God gave him lips.”

Frost laughed.

Jane rolled her eyes but she was aware of her mother’s intense scrutiny.

“Do you need to move back home? At least I can make sure you take care of yourself.”

“Ma! Not here okay. I know I look---“

“Like death. Like somebody died.”  Her mother interrupted.

 _Maybe a piece of me has._ Jane didn’t answer.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Frost answered for her.

Jane suddenly felt cornered. “Ganging up on me isn’t’ going to help a damn thing.”

“Maybe I should just ---“

“Don’t you dare, Ma. There’s been enough meddling. “

“You’re a Rizzoli. We just don’t sit idly by.”

“Look Frost. We’re like you.” Jane deadpanned.

Frost glared. “My version was funny.”

“And a little racist.”

“Whatever, _Janie_.”

Jane bared her teeth in a parody of a smile.

“Now, now children.” Angela Rizzoli interjected. She sighed. “I just wanted to lay eyes on you.”

“Oh, I hope she brought her tooth brush.” Frost interrupted.

Jane peered at her partner who nodded his head toward the entrance.

“Now, you pay attention?” Jane asked, exasperated.

Frost shrugged.

 _Great. Just what I needed._ Jane watched Addison come closer. Her smile was huge and the determination in her eyes was telling.

“And who is that?” Angela Rizzoli asked. The shock in her tone was unmistakable.

“She’s just a friend.” Jane whispered out the side of her mouth as Addison reached them.

Frost snorted. “I need friends like that. Can I have her next?”

Jane reached out with intentions of smacking him in the back of the head.  He rose from his chair instead offering it to Addison.

Addison sat down. “Thanks. Frost wasn’t it?”

He nodded and the toothy grin was back.

Jane groaned.

Addison smirked. “I was being discussed. Wasn’t I?”

“Aren’t you always?” Jane countered.

Addison chuckled.

“You’re mighty chipper for someone with no sleep.” Jane added. Then, cursed herself as she saw her mother’s eyes nearly bulge out of her head.

“I’m a doctor Jane. All nighters are no problem.”

Frost choked.

Angela Rizzoli stood and offered her hand. “I’m  Jane’s mother. Who are you?” She asked bluntly.

Addison’s smile widened. “I like her already.”

Jane rolled her eyes as her mother actually blushed.  “For Chrissakes! Ma, this is Addison. She’s a friend of Maura’s.  Addison this is my mother Angela Rizzoli.”

“I thought I was a friend of yours too?”

Frost snorted.

Jane gritted her teeth. “A friend of mine too.”

“What brings you here Addison?” Angela asked.

“I was down talking with Maura, and I thought Jane---“

Suddenly overwhelmed a whole host of other emotions, Jane lashed out. “Jane doesn’t want to know what you thought right now.”

Three sets of eyes zeroed in on her. The gazes made her skin prickle.

“Janie—“

“No!” Jane jumped up out of her chair, sending it to the ground. “Just no, ma! Don’t say her name. Don’t tell me what to do. Just don’t say anything. Any of you.  I can’t take it!” She felt like a wild animal being prodded from a cage. Everything she had learned was too fresh, too new and way too close to the surface. With jerky movements, she pulled on her jacket. “Frost. Call me. Text me or what the fuck ever if we catch a case. I’m out of here.”  _I’m going to fucking fall apart._

Without another word, Jane headed for the door without so much as a glance over her shoulder.

**

“Maura?” Peter answered the phone with suprise and delight in his voice.

Maura smiled at his reaction.  “Dinner tonight?”

There was a few seconds of silence. “If you’re sure?” Peter asked hesitantly. “I thought you might need a little space?”

“I thought I did too, but I saw Addison earlier today.”

There was silence again.

“I think it was a good thing, Peter. I think I need to go talk to Jane.”

This time the silence was stunning. It translated well even over a cell phone.

Maura swallowed. _I hope I know what I’m doing. At this point, nothing could get worse._ “We can’t avoid each other forever. We have a history, and we can’t just continue hurting each other either.”

“Addison made you see all of that?” He sounded skeptical.

“Well, she said some things that made me realize I can’t just sit and be stagnant. It won’t be rectified that way. It will just cause more pain for everyone involved.”

“That’s understandable.”

“And we have to come to some sort of consensus whether it’s going to be to end it or try to salvage… something of the friendship we had. She deserves that much.”  Maura’s stomach churned.  _And so much more, Jane. I hope she understands that I’m doing the best I can._

“I can understand that too.” Peter paused. “So what time should I expect you?”

“I’m not sure. I just arrived. Just let yourself in, and we’ll talk when I get there.”

Peter hung up his end without a goodbye.

Maura peered at her phone until the light disappeared.  Making a last ditch effort to gather herself, she attempted to clamp down on the fear and the cornucopia of other things in order to bolster determination. Without another thought, she exited her vehicle and made her way up Jane’s walkway.

The television flickered through the window as Maura stopped at the door. She raised her hand to knock even though she had a key. It was the most appropriate thing to do given the circumstances. After a few seconds, her knock went unanswered and she tried the doorbell.  _Is she not answering because she knows that it’s me?_

The door swung open violently and Jane filled the doorway. Maura watched as Jane brought the bottle of beer to her mouth and take a long swig. Then, taking a few seconds she soaked in the blue jeans that seemed to hang off her already slim form and the rattiest t-shirt she had ever seen.  Maura’s eyes tracked back to Jane’s face which looked even more haunted by the presence of the dark circles under her eyes. Maura’s heart broke a little.

“What?” Jane sneered.

Maura could not recall ever seeing that look aimed in her direction. Something stirred within her.  “Can I come in?”

“Now, why would I want to do that?”

Maura peered into the living area, gathering her wits. Jane’s tone hurt. “What have I done to make you talk to me in such a way?”  She asked softly.

Something changed in Jane’s eyes. Maura saw it. “Try being virtually ignored for a whole fucking week. See how you like it.”

Maura didn’t bother to cringe at the language. “I made a mistake…a very big one, and you’re angry.”

“No, Maura. I’m fucking pissed. There is a difference.”

“This is your revenge? Talking to me like you would a suspect?”

“Yes, it’s the best I could do in a pinch.”

“I don’t want us to continue on this way.”

Jane scoffed. “Hasn’t this been all about what you wanted?”

Maura held Jane’s gaze, wanting her to see her own confusion and discovery.  “Yes, I guess it has been.”

Jane seemed to lose steam right before her very eyes. “Wh..what?” She sputtered.

“I don’t think outside on your doorstep is the appropriate venue. Can I please come in?”

Jane backed away and turned, leaving the door wide open.

“Thank you.”

Jane said nothing in kind.

Walking slowly so not to spook Jane, Maura made her way to the couch. Gingerly, she sat on the edge putting an ample amount of space between them.  “How does it make you feel talking to me this way?” _She can’t like the state we’re in._

Jane met her gaze. Brown eyes were nearly black with smoldering emotion. “How does it make you feel ignoring me this way?”

To Maura’s horror, her stomach clenched. There was something about having all that emotion coming her way. _Feeling this isn’t going to help me right now._ “I-I needed to protect myself. There was too much going on that I didn’t understand.” Maura admitted.

“So did I, but I understood everything.”

“I didn’t know that I was hurting you. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea.”  Maura pleaded with her eyes for understanding. There was no need for subterfuge between them any longer. There was no reason for it to be the pink elephant in the room. They owed that to each other.

Jane looked away. “You didn’t know because I didn’t want you to.”

“Addison,” they both mumbled simultaneously.

Their eyes met as they shared a moment of mirth.

“Where do we go from here?” Maura asked. “I came over hoping we could figure it out together.”

“You’re getting married. What is there to figure out?”

Sudden movement caught Maura’s eye. She saw Jane’s hand clench into a white knuckled fist. She wanted nothing more than to reach out, take it, and smooth away the tension. The awkwardness between them was excruciating.

“By the way, I’m sure Addison would be more than happy to fill in as Maid of Honor or would it be Matron since she’s been married? Maybe it would be better if I didn’t even come at all.”  Jane said the first part with a nonchalance Maura knew she didn’t feel.

“That’s not what I wanted---“

“Do you even know what you want?” Jane asked.

“I-“ _Some part of me just wants you._ “I want things to be less complicated. I want no one to get hurt. This is too much. If it could all be like it was before---“

“It can’t, Maura.” Jane whispered.

“Addison,” she whispered derisively.




“What?” Jane asked.

“I’m inclined to believe that none of this would have occurred without her interference.”  Maura began to pace.

“Yeah, I’m sure it would have been better for you to suffer my shit in silence.” Jane’s tone was curt.

“That’s not…that’s not what I meant Jane!”

“That’s exactly what you meant! You could have your pretty little life if she hadn’t stuck her nose in it.” Jane stood up too, facing Maura.  “Let me guess. If I hadn’t been fucking her---“

“I don’t like you with her!” Maura yelled as the green eyed monster threw his hat into the fray. _What am I doing? I need to control this… all of this._

“Here you go again!”

“You brought it up!”

“And you have no fucking right to be upset about it. At least somebody wants me!”  The anguish in Jane’s voice was palpable.

“Jane, I—“

“Someone who’ll admit it Maura and scream it loud and clear.”

“Well, I’m sure she will! She screamed it in the dressing rooms and I’m sure she screams it every night for you!”

“She’s not a screamer. She’s a moaner. You should know that!”  Jane said mockingly.

Maura released something that sounded dangerously close to a growl.

“What’s wrong Maura? Angry? Hurt? Pissed?”

“I don’t want to feel this!”

“Feel what?!”

“Any of this!” Maura yelled.

“Well that’s too fucking bad! You think I do? Do you know why I fucked Addison?”

“I’m not blind, Jane. She’s gorgeous!”

Jane shook her head. “Because I can’t fuck you, and she’s the next best thing!”

Maura’s stomach twisted in an almost unbearable knot, and her breath left in a might whoosh. Arousal was sudden and all encompassing. Needing to get away from the feelings, she backed away.

“Oh no you don’t!”  Jane reached out grasping Maura’s upper arm in a vice like grip. “If I can’t run away from it, you can’t either.”

Maura struggled. “Let me go! Right now!”

Her other arm was imprisoned.

Maura was trapped, but Jane was close enough to smell and heat seemed to roll off her in waves. Inside, she screamed as her body rebelled. Her knees wobbled.  Maura struggled anew as panic ceased her.

Jane shook her. Maura’s hair fell in her eyes.

“What do you want from me!?” Jane cried.

Maura continued to try to escape. Even Jane’s strength took her to new heights of awareness. Her heart fluttered in her chest as if it had butterfly wings.

“Maura! Stop fighting me!”

Their gazes met.

Completely overwhelmed by what she was feeling, Maura surged forward, crashing their lips together. A hungry sound escaped her as Jane’s hands tangled in her hair. A hard pull added just enough violence and Jane’s needy whimper was nearly Maura’s undoing. A powerful surge of arousal coiled in her belly and rolled rampant throughout.

Maura couldn’t think.

Maura couldn’t see.

Maura could only feel and she wanted more.

 _More._ Something deep within whispered. Hands that had been digging in Jane’s back inched downward until they were fumbling with Jane’s belt. She couldn’t stop. She didn’t want to stop.

Her heart thumped in triumph as she lowered Jane’s zipper. Maura’s hand shook, just as her whole body did, when it dipped between Jane’s legs. Wetness flooded her hand.

Twin moans filled the room.

Jane trembled.

A phone rung.

It sounded so far away.

The cacophony increased as Maura recognized the ring of her own cell phone.

Maura froze then moved away hurriedly. Her chest heaved, making breathing nearly impossible. She brought a shaking hand to her mouth. Jane’s scent greeted her. Maura snatched it away and pushed it through her hair instead. She dared a glance in Jane’s direction and the hunger she saw there nearly floored her. Her lips were swollen, wet.  Hard nipples stood out against the thin cotton of her t-shirt. It all beckoned. Maura tried vehemently to rein things in but it was to no avail. Maura whimpered in panic when she realized she had a firm hold of absolutely nothing. _Look at what this has made me._

Backing away from the need in Jane’s eyes, Maura stumbled. Jane reached out to steady her. “No!”

Jane flinched as if she had been slapped.

“I can’t.  I just can’t.” Maura closed her eyes against Jane’s pain. Moving as quickly as possible, she collected her purse. “I have to---“  _I can’t fall apart here._

Jane held up a hand.  Maura could see it shaking.

Without another word, she entered the night.

When she was barely up the street, the tears came. _This is not me. This is not me._   Fear, guilt and arousal made for a strange hodge podge of emotions, but Maura was aware nothing about this was normal. Her phone rang again. Maura pulled over and searched her purse until she found it. Barely listening, she croaked. “Dr. Pike will have to handle this.”  Without waiting for a reply, she hung up.

Maura swallowed hard as her thoughts traveled to Peter. With Peter, there was control. With Peter, there was no chance of her getting lost. The memory of Jane’s kiss, her taste threatened to dislodge the peace she was trying to find.

Her phone rung once more.  Maura snatched it up after seeing who the caller was. “I’m on my way home now.” She said breathlessly.

“I was hoping I wasn’t interrupting anything. How did it go?” His tone was hesitant.

Maura licked her lips. “Not…so well.”

“Why? What happened?” The concern in Peter’s voice was sweet.

“We argued. She’s not going to be in the wedding. I think that’s probably appropriate. In fact, I think we should get married tomorrow.” When the words left Maura’s mouth she was shocked, but at the moment, it sounded like the answer to everything regardless of the rationality of it.

“M-Maura?” Peter stuttered. “What’s going on?”

“I’d rather discuss this in person.” Maura swallowed, knowing she was taking the easier path. It was a path that would most likely end their friendship and completely break Jane’s heart. The alternative was chaos. In chaos, Maura could not function. In chaos, she got lost. In chaos, Maura became a person she barely recognized. _I’m sorry Jane._

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**

Jane yawned and stretched noisily. She blinked against the sunlight streaking through the curtains in her bedroom. As she got used to the invasion, Jane took stock of her body and realized she had gotten the best night’s sleep she had in ages. _It’s funny how making a decision will do that to you._

Before throwing the covers back, she peered over at her companion. Addison was dead to the world. She had kicked the blanket off and the t-shirt Jane loaned her to sleep in had ridden up well above her thighs. Flaming red hair spilled over the pillow and her lips moved as she mumbled in her sleep. _I’m sure that brain is always working an angle._   Jane smirked and shook her head. Addison had proven to be a good friend, a loyal friend helping her with the shit storm her life had become.

Jane rose from the bed, discarding boxers and t-shirt as she ambled toward the bathroom. As hot water trickled over her scalp, it brought every synapse to attention. It felt good. As the water splashed over her entire body, she felt cleansed and new after three days of perpetual hell.  Her mind went back to the first night…that fateful night. Jane was still surprised she survived it with her sanity intact. She probably wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for Addison.

 

_Still standing in the same spot Maura left her with her pants unzipped and gaping, Jane peered at her door. Agony ripped through her, racing over her skin and seeping through her pores until it touched everything. She wanted to scream but was afraid she would never stop. It was an odd mix…pain and arousal but they hummed through her blood as if they were old friends._

_There was a knock._

_Jane did not move a muscle but peered at it with abject horror. It was too soon to see her again, and Jane knew the emotions she was feeling were a dangerous mix._

_The door opened and Addison peeked around it. “I was trying to wait until she left. I circled the block a few dozen times.”_

_Before Addison could get both feet into the apartment, she was thrown against the door.  Jane hovered using deceptive strength to pin Addison’s hands above her head._

_“Jane!”_

_Jane ignored the sound of protest. She needed the fight tonight. Anything to usurp the pain. She disregarded the voice in her head telling her to stop, telling her it wouldn’t work, telling her she was about to make a huge mistake._

_She kicked Addison’s legs apart and swooped in to devour her mouth. Addison squirmed turning her head away from the assault.  Using one hand to keep Addison pinned, Jane used the other to claim the kiss she needed._

_In retaliation, Addison bit down hard._

_Jane barely felt it._

_“No!” Addison screamed. “Listen to me. This isn’t the way!”  She renewed her struggle, trying vehemently to free her hands._

_Jane knew it was a lie. It was the only way._

_“Whatever happened, I know it hurts.”_

_It didn’t hurt. It pierced. It stabbed. It maimed._

_“Look at me!”_

_Jane blinked as she did so. Then, somehow. Addison  was free, and a hard slap to the face was Jane’s reward._

_“What the fuck are you doing?” Addison cried._

_Jane blinked again, rapidly, but the haze around her brain began to clear. She looked down at her hands suddenly afraid of what they were capable of. Tears burned her eyes and began to fall without her permission. “It hurts…so bad.”  Jane croaked._

_Addison’s expression changed from shock and wariness to understanding. Jane was enveloped in a hug. She melted into the warmth. She didn’t scream, but she cried. Her body shuddered as she sobbed._

_“I know, but you’re scaring me here. I’ve never seen you like this.”  Addison released a shaky sigh. “Let’s go sit down.”_

_Long minutes later, when she could speak, and the pain had left her hollow, Jane spilled everything because Addison would understand. Addison would know what to do. Jane couldn’t remember ever feeling this weak and unsure of herself._

_“She did what?!  Jesus Christ! To top it off, I think I’d be the last person she’d ask to be Maid of Honor.”_

_For a second, Jane felt validated. She wasn’t the only one who thought the events were fucked._

_“I can’t believe she was able to leave after having her hands in your crotch.”_

_Jane glared, reminding Addison without words that it wasn’t the point._

_“Sorry. I’m just saying.”  She paused and shook her head in disbelief. “So, will I get arrested if I hit her in the head with a 2x4 with your picture on it?”_

_Jane glared some more and wiped at gritty, burning eyes.  She wasn’t all that surprised that Addison was trying to divert the situation with humor._

_“Okay I get it. My humor has no place here for the moment. How about some reality?”_

_“I don’t think I need any more of that either.” Jane husked._

_“Well you’re getting it whether you like it or not … whether I give it to you or not.”_

_“I guess you have a point.”_

_“She wants you bad, and she’s scared shitless. She’s running from it just like she ran from me. Maura doesn’t do emotions she can’t control.”  Addison stated._

_“And I’m something she can’t control.”_

_“Bingo.”_

_“I kinda knew that. She’s a fucking genius but emotionally sometimes she has no idea what to do.” Jane countered._

_“So are you going to let this rip your heart out or are you going to show her that being out of control isn’t such a bad thing?”_

_“You expect me to answer that now?”_

_“Yep, it’s decision time. Despite the state all this put you in, you can look at tonight as a good thing. You know she wants you just as much as you do her. I know you don’t want to hurt Peter but just think about it. At some point he’s going to realize that he’s not enough. It needs to be sooner rather than later or that man is going to be cut off at the knees. Trust me. I know.”_

  _“I just don’t know Addison. She could go running the other way. Then, where does that leave me.”_

_“We had this conversation already. The same place you’re in now, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. You’re a detective. Look at the evidence. Take it apart. Put it back together again and see where it leads. I think you’ll come to the same conclusion.”_

_Jane pushed a trembling hand through her hair._

_“Look, take the weekend then. I’ll stay with you if you want. Let’s figure this out.”_

_Jane’s tongue inadvertently grazed over the open wound inside her lip. She peered at Addison as the reality of her actions registered. Ashamed, her eyes strayed. “After what I almost did to you, I can’t believe you’re still talking to me.”_

_“Well, you didn’t and I’m not as defenseless as I look.”_

_“I’m sorry. I’ve never done anything like that before. I scared the shit out of myself.”_

_“By gones, Jane. You’re in a bad place right now. Let’s not dwell on what almost happened. Besides if it had been last week, it would have just been rough sex.”_

_Their eyes met, and Jane maintained the gaze for several minutes until she was satisfied that Addison’s eyes confirmed her words. Jane nodded then stated. “Things would have been a lot easier if I’d fell for you instead.”_

_Addison laughed. “No and no. I’m by myself on purpose thank you, and all that talk about women not being able to have casual sex is bullshit. I’m a living breathing example.”_

_“If I had an ego right now, that would’ve hurt.”_

_“Uh huh. Now, go get in something you can sweat in.”_

_“What for?”_

_“You’ve cried on my shoulder. Fucked me, and the only thing left to do is for you to beat the shit out of something or someone. There has to be an all night gym somewhere we can bribe our way into and I bet we won’t be the only idiots there.”_

_At this point, Jane was willing to try anything. “You might want to change too. Your shirt’s all wet.” Embarrassed by her tears, Jane glanced away._

_“Don’t worry. I won’t pull your butch card or anything.” Addison stood._

_“I’m not butch.” Jane countered petulantly._

_“Uh huh, and I’m not a natural red head. We both know better.”_

_Jane smiled slightly as she followed Addison into the bedroom._

 

After taming her hair in some semblance of order, Jane padded into her bedroom naked and selected a pair of charcoal slacks, matching jacket, and a complimentary shirt to go underneath. A few minutes later, her uniform was complete as her gun hung on her left hip.

Now, in the kitchen, she commanded the coffee maker to life. Her mind wandered as she waited.  It had been a long weekend. They laughed, they talked about Maura, and they worked out excessively. When Jane felt herself sinking into a quagmire, Addison was there to yank her out with sometimes kind and sometimes not so kind words.

It was Sunday night before realization struck.

 

_There had been no one to spar with on this night. The heavy bag loomed before Jane unmoving from her last series of punches. She growled at it and started again throwing her body into it. Each punch reverberated through her arms and shoulders eliciting a forgiving pain. Sweat flew from her with each sharp movement. It teemed down her face, stinging her eyes, but she pressed on. She swung with all her might at the seemingly immovable object. Finally, it swayed slightly._

_Jane grunted in triumph and accomplishment. The energy expended had been worth it. After several more sessions, she moved to the speed bag, giving it the same effort. It moved easily, flitting back and forth in a satisfying rhythm._

_That’s when it hit her._

_Jane stilled but the speed bag continued to swing as if it were in the wind._

_Addison, Frost and even her mother had been right. She was damned if she did and fucked if she didn’t. The same energy she was using to be selfless and miserable could be used to get what she wanted and needed. She discovered Thursday night that Maura was in no way an immovable object but she wasn’t fluid and easy flowing either._

_She peered at the speed bag as if it held the meaning of life. It was a damned strange time to come to this realization, but Jane decided to take it any way she could get it._

_Compared to what they had been through the past weeks, things could not get any worse. They were so far from their friendship and the people they were that it was going to be virtually impossible to return to normalcy, or they could become something else entirely. Jane swallowed and glanced around her. They gym was sparsely populated but life went on around her as she stood there stock still. It was time to progress._

_Just like that, things made sense. Everyone had been right. On the one hand, she felt like a complete idiot for being late to the game but on the other, she knew that she was so stubborn the decision had to be her own. It was right there dangling in front of her the whole time but she had to want to reach for it. Suddenly, Jane felt lighter and less clunky.  She shook her head and smiled slightly.  Her smile wavered. “I’m so sorry, Peter,” Jane whispered._

_Jane reset her stance and picked up where she left off. The speed bag began to violently swing again. Her thoughts remained on Peter. If he was the man she thought he was, he would fight for what he wanted but he’d know when to bow out gracefully despite the pain it caused him. Her consciousness drifted to Maura as if it had ever left. The feel of Maura… the taste of her was now ingrained and that in itself was motivation._

_Jane continued to land punch after punch. Then, she began to calculate how to move a semi immovable object. It was going to be one of the biggest challenges she had ever faced, but Jane was going to play to win._

_“Can I watch?” A familiar voice asked._

_Jane looked to the side, nodded, and then smirked in Addison’s direction._

_An auburn brow rose and blue eyes studied her for long seconds. “Make it good,” she said finally. “I like seeing women sweat.”_

 

Jane sighed as she sipped her coffee. She was scared out of her mind, but she had learned to face fear long ago by staring down a barrel of a gun and winning and by battling Hoyt and surviving. She stared at the scar on her free hand.

A loud yawn yanked Jane out of her reverie.

“Why didn’t you wake me? I need to get to the hospital soon.”

“’Cause you’re tired as fuck from fooling with me all weekend.”

Addison sat down at the table. “True, but a girl’s gotta do blah, blah, blah…”

Jane got out another cup and filled it to the rim. Without preamble, she sat it in front of Addison as she eased into the chair beside her.

Addison stared down into the cup for several seconds before turning her eyes on Jane. “Something happened with you last night. Didn’t it?”

Jane chuckled. “How the hell do you know me so well already?”

“I pay attention.” Blue eyes narrowed. “Oh my fucking God! I’m right. I knew it. You had that quiet intense thing going.” Her face was flushed with hope.

“I always have the quiet intense thing going.”

“Whatever.”  Addison paused then hummed in delight as she took her first sip of coffee.  “Maura’s not going to know what hit her.” Her smile was huge and bright like a kid in a candy store.

“No. No, she’s not.” Jane agreed. _Here we go._

**

Maura made the Y incision without thought. Her hand was practiced after completing a thousand others before this. While her hand was steady, the rest of her was a virtual mess.  Her insides seemed to quake as though she was in a state of perpetual flux. Picking up the rib spreader, she worked mechanically retracting the chest cavity exposing the young man’s insides to the sterility of her world…what was left of them anyway. A series of bullets had ricocheted throughout leaving massive damage.

She could barely differentiate one organ from the other. Maura didn’t usually deal in the abstract but even she could see the symbolism that fit her own life at the moment.  Maura sighed shakily. The word clusterfuck had been apropos after all. Jane eased into her mind and her stomach quivered then rolled as Maura recalled the agony she left her in.

Her heart spasmed as she thought about Peter. She had hurt him just as badly and his ire toward her was well deserved. His parting words left her spiraling more than ever. She continued to examine the mass of organs as she re-examined the past few days.

 

_When she entered her home, Peter sat waiting. His eyes were anxious and wary and Maura avoided them as long as she could._

_He shot up from the couch. “What’s going on, Maura? What the hell is going on?”_

_Shocked by his vehemence so soon, Maura almost took a step back. “Peter, I-“_

_“No, something happened I know it did, and I know you’re not going to lie to me.”_

_He was right. She was not going to lie but she spent the ride over trying to figure out how to minimalize tonight’s events. “Peter, please. Can you give me a minute?”  She ran a hand through her hair. Jane’s scent clung to her, making her hands shake anew. She had to wash it away. There was no way she could talk to him with it wafting toward her._

_Maura saw the hands hanging by his sides clench into fists. “You’ve had plenty. Why would you want to get married tomorrow?”_

_“Just let me freshen up, please.”_

_His eyes widened to the size of saucers. “What?!” His voice went up several octaves._

_Peter’s thoughts came through loud and clear. Unfortunately, he wasn’t far from the truth. “It’s not what…that’s not what happened.”_

_“Oh god.” Peter sat back down. “But something did happen, didn’t it?”_

_Maura held up a hand to forestall him. “Peter, I’ll tell you everything just let me use the facilities, first.”_

_He nodded._

_A few seconds later, Maura peered at her reflection in the mirror them promptly looked away. Guilt seemed to be etched in every pore, but there was something else burning in her eyes that she refused to acknowledge. She washed her hands quickly._

_When she came out, Peter was pacing in front of the couch.  He stopped and looked at her expectantly, and Maura did not know any other way to speak the truth than to let it fall from her lips. “We…kissed, and--.”_

_Peter stiffened and did not seem to be breathing._

_Maura moved forward, reaching out to him.  He allowed the touch to his shoulder but flinched as she squeezed._

_“W-why?”_

_“It just happened. We were arguing and emotions were high.”_

_“Did you like it?”_

_Maura sucked in a breath. She had loved it…too much.  “Peter—“_

_“Did you like it!?” He practically yelled._

_“I didn’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you.” Maura pleaded._

_“I guess I have my answer.”  Peter began to pace again._

_Words spilled from her mouth. “I don’t think she’ll be talking to me for a while, and if we’re married, she would never cross that boundary. She would never---“_

_“But would you?”_

_Maura flashed back to the feeling of Jane’s softness around her fingers. “I told you. It’s only attraction. With time and space, I think it would---“_

_“Do you even hear what you’re saying? You’re a logical person. Is this making any sense to you? Do you really think any lucid human being would go for this?”_

_Maura went over the words in her head. She rewound them and played them back again and again. When had she become so irrational?  “Peter, I just want things to go back to normal. You can give me that.”_

_Peter’s eyes shined with unshed tears. “It can’t.”_

_His words merged with Jane’s. Maura grasped for straws. “No, that’s not true. Think about it. There’s a chance my parents weren’t even going to make it and all you have is your uncle…”_

_“That’s not the point, Maura. Have you lost your mind?!”_

_Maura looked at him. She was beginning to think that she had. “I—“_

_“No, the answer is unequivocally no.”_

_Maura was stunned. Then, immediately went into a panic. “Are you saying that we---“_

_“Isn’t that what you’re saying underneath all this shit?” Peter asked raggedly._

_“No! I still want to be with you!”_

_“Do you? Do you, Maura?”_

_“Yes, of course!”_

_“Well, I for one don’t think you know if you’re coming or going, but if I don’t fucking still love you…” His voice trailed off. “Pride be damned. Two weeks, Maura. Two weeks and you’re either all mine or hers.” The tears started to fall. “I’m not going to sit by and watch you drift away from me. We had something at the beginning and we have something now. I’m going to fight for it. It would rip my heart out to lose, but at least I’ll know now instead of somewhere down the line…that would kill me.”_

_Maura was floored by the emotion teeming off him. “Peter—“_

_He wrestled to put his jacket back on and walked toward the door. Glancing over his shoulder, Peter muttered, “May the best…whatever… win.”_

 

Maura latched onto the present as she began to examine they body in earnest. She wiped her arm over her forehead and sighed. She had her work cut out for her within these walls and outside of them. She wasn’t a believer in Karma but she was sure that something must have gone wrong somewhere for life to be rebelling against her. _How can I be responsible for so much pain?_ The sense of imbalance had left her utterly exhausted. Sleep had been nearly impossible and peace had abandoned her ages ago. She peered down at the gaping maw in front of her and attempted to concentrate, knowing that it wasn’t going to take long for the cluster of fuck to renew its vigor and seep back into her consciousness. Whatever faculties that remained of her over taxed mind were needed.

*

Peter stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up at the police plaza. The building loomed almost ominously against the back drop of an otherwise perfect day. He rubbed at burning eyes reminding him that he hadn’t slept for shit. In fact, he barely functioned the entire weekend. He wasn’t a man prone to hangovers so scotch had been a lovely way to dull the pain. People walked around him. Some were in uniform and others in plain clothes. Peter suddenly hoped he didn’t see his nemesis making her way up the stairs any time soon.

Nemesis.

Peter hated that word. It sounded so damn evil, and there was no evil at work here. Jane Rizzoli was a human being more than likely going through hell just like he was. If things had been different, he was sure they would have made great friends. Decent people attracted each other.  His mind strayed, refusing to dwell too long on the subject of Jane.

A bolt of fear shot through him. _I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no idea how to go about this._ It was something he said to himself at least a million times over the past few days, but in the light of day and sober. It had quite a different impact.  Questions flooded him. _Why the fuck am I doing this?_   Maura was desperate and not herself at all…the way she spoke; the look in her eyes; and her lack of response to him were glaring reminders of it.

 _She can’t even say she loves me. Can I compete with that and Jane?_   Selfish as though it seemed, the thought of being without Maura shot ice water through his veins, and Peter knew he had to try.  He lifted on foot and placed it on the stair in front of him.  Peter had no flowers, no candy, no coffee, and no breakfast. He came alone with his heart pasted to his sleeve in hopes that would be enough.

His steps quickened until he was nearly jogging.

Peter pushed his way onto the elevator and descended.

*

Maura sat what she knew to be the liver onto the scale. She notated the weight and appearance before continuing. The sound of a light tapping drew her attention. She peered around wondering where it originated before looking toward the door.

Peter was knocking.

Maura felt a strange mixture of guilt, discomfort and happiness. Their eyes met. _He looks so unsure of himself_. It had been his confidence that drew her along with other things.  She waved him in. “It’s open.”

Without hesitation, he entered. “I know, but you were working.”

After covering the body, Maura took off her gloves and other accessories not wanting the reminder of death glaring in front of them.

They gazed at each other once more. They were only a foot apart but the distance seemed glaring.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call this weekend,” Peter muttered. He shoved his hands deep into his pants pockets.

“It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to.”

“I missed waking up next to you. We’re good together.”

“We are,” Maura agreed. _Warm and comfortable… just what I need._

“I know I’m not the most exciting guy in the world, but I have my moments.” Brown eyes danced slightly as a small smirk twisted his lips.

Maura’s insides tied themselves in knots. _Peter._ “You don’t have to state your qualities. I know what they are. They drew me too you in the first place.”  Maura added softly.

Peter opened his mouth to speak but seemed to think better of it. “I understand that.”

“I would never hurt you, Maura.”

“I’ve hurt you, and I had no intention to do so.”

“I’m aware of that.”  Peter looked away. “Look, I’ve never done this before. I have no idea…how to win you back. Everything I can buy you…you can get it for yourself ten times over.” He paused and sighed. “But my words and the things I do come from a good place. I want to have little geniuses with you then grow old together.”

Maura smiled at the thought.

“I’m a traditional guy. I want a traditional life, and all I can do is show you how great it could be.”   Peter took a few steps forward closing the distance between them.




Maura could feel his heat and the scent of his spicy cologne wafted to her nose. It made her long for a simpler time.  He wrapped his arms around her and Maura pillowed her face in his throat.

“I love you, Maura. I’m not afraid to say or show it.”

She felt the kiss at the top of her head, and Maura wished vehemently that she could return the sentiment. Instead, she increased the ferocity of her embrace, clinging to him and the essence of normalcy. She had always cared for him and Maura hoped desperately that it was going to be enough to convince him and her heart that this was where she needed to be.

_**_

Jane took the steps two at a time. For the first time in a while, she was eager to get to work. She nodded and smiled at familiar faces as she reached the front doors. It was then that she felt eyes on her. Jane stopped and peered around until she spotted the culprit.

Peter stood at the top of the stairs to the left.  Their gazes met. Yet, the world around them remained unaffected as people milled about moving in and out. The expression on his face told her everything she needed to know. He was aware of it all. There was no guilt or animosity. There were no smiles or waves. Peter’s gaze was shuttered and intense, but then, Jane imagined that hers was as well. 

He nodded and after a few seconds, Jane returned the gesture. It was a silent communication that spoke volumes. A lesser man would have confronted her, threatened her, and maybe even begged her.  Peter was not a lesser man. She had been right about him, but that wasn’t capitulation she saw in his eyes. Just like her, he was going to fight for what he wanted. Jane’s respect for him went up a notch but so did her determination. She watched him walk away. _In another life Peter we could have been…_  Jane righted her thoughts.  _But_ , _she belongs with me._

*

Jane entered the squad room with her head held high. She spied Frost and Korsak engaged in their own conversation and smiled when they looked in her direction. Their conversation stopped. Before she even had a chance to sit down at her desk, they were surrounding her.

“Did you see what I saw, Kid?” Korsak asked.

“Yeah, a smile and I didn’t even have to say anything stupid.” Frost answered.

“You’re always saying something stupid.”

Frost sighed. “You know, the more you insult me the more I think this is an example jealousy wrapped up in ageism and racism.”

Korsak reared back. “What?”

Jane watched totally amused.

“Just think about it. I’m younger, prettier, and I bet my cock is a whole lot bigger.”

Jane bit the inside of her cheek hard.

“Fuck you kid what does any of that have to do with racism?”

“The big cock part.”

Korsak sputtered. His face turned bright red.

Frost patted him on the back. “Sometimes reality is a hard pill to swallow.”

Korsak walked away looking decidedly spooked.

Jane peered at her partner. They both exploded in laughter. After a few seconds, she muttered, “You are getting really good.”

Frost bowed. “I learned from the best.” He sat at the corner of her desk and stared at her silently for a few seconds.  “Something’s happened. You got your swag back.”

“Swag?” Jane asked. _Am I that much of an open book?_

“Swagger, girl. Keep up with the times.”

“Sorry, I don’t do Ebonics.”

Frost chuckled. “Neither do I. Now, spill or do I need to interrogate the red head? God, the things I would do for my country.”

Jane laughed and pushed him hard enough to dislodge him from the desk.  “You are nasty.”

“Through and through. Now, spill.”

 _I already told this story once too many times. He can have the abbreviated version._  “Maura came to see me on Thursday. Things got….interesting.”

“Interesting enough for you to take a personal day.”

“Yeahhh, and then Addison came over.”

“Ooh switch that….the things I bet you’ve **done** for your country.”

Jane glared. “It’s not like that anymore. We just hung out and talked a lot.”

“Uh huh.” Frost peered at her eagerly.

“Andyouwererightallofyou.”  Jane spit out hurriedly.

“What? Olive juice?”

She narrowed her eyes at her partner. “You are not going to make me do that again.”

He snorted. “Was just fucking with you any way. So how right were we?”  He grinned.

Jane rolled her eyes. “Right enough for me to apologize for the way I acted the other day.”

“Fuck that Jane. We all know you’re hurting.”

Jane felt a brow rise. “We?”

Frost nodded. “You know, family.”

“Ohh, so you’re a part of my family now/”

Frost’s expression shuddered closed. “Um---“

“You are. I was just fucking with you.”  Jane said.   _I’ve missed this._

“It’s a thin line between love and hate, Rizzoli.”

“Yeah, Martin Lawrence found that out the hard way.”

Frost’s mouth dropped open. “How did you…”

“Do you really want to know?”

He shook his head vehemently. “No, no I don’t.”  Frost cleared his throat. “So you’re going for it?”

“I’m not going for it. I’m gonna get it.”

“Ooo, see that swagger! Allow me to pour your coffee. Playa! Playa!” He pumped his fist in the air.

Jane groaned.

“Too much?”

She nodded. “Play basketball this weekend?” She got up and followed him to the refreshment area, wanting to pick out her own pastry.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“Because you always talk like that afterwards.”

“Hmm, that’s a bad thing?” He asked.

“No, we should all get in touch with our roots.” Jane deadpanned.

“Mmm.” Frost looked undecided as if he was unable to tell if it was an insult or compliment.  He poured coffee into a large mug. “Maura’s not going to know what hit her.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Who?”

“Addison.”

“Mmm mm. What else does she say and how does she say it?”

Jane smirked. “Didn’t you just say you had a big dick?’

“Uh huh.”

“Then, it’s too big for her. She liked mine better.”

Frost choked on his coffee. Then, he looked at her with shinning eyes. “That was good. Round about, but good.”

Jane nodded in acknowledgment. “I know.”

Frost clapped her on the back. “It’s good to see you like this.”

 _It still hurts like fuck, but I’m trying. Hell, I’m doing more than that._ She thought about Peter. Jane latched on to the innate stubbornness and determination that made her an excellent detective to push encroaching thoughts away.  “It feels good.”

“Great, and just to let you know, Whitehead went on leave. Something’s happening with his kid. We caught his latest case, a GSW. Let me know where you’re ready to go down.”

Someone bumped Jane on the shoulder.

“Go down where?” Frankie asked.

Jane smiled sweetly. _Good one, ma._   “Frost was trying to pay me ten bucks for a hand job.”

Frankie blinked. “Funny, Jane. No wonder I’m the favorite.”

“Whatever. Tell, ma that I’m fine. She doesn’t have to put eyes on me.”

“I came for the donuts, and you think too much of yourself.”

Frost snorted. “The nastiness does indeed run in the family.”  He held up his hands as two sets of brown eyes peered his way. “Just kidding. I would like to leave with my knees thank you. Come get me when you’re ready to go see Maura.”

They watched Frost walk away.

“So, you don’t look like two day old shit today. What’s going on?”  Frankie poured himself coffee and cut his eyes at his sister.

“I took a shower. Come off it. I know, Ma blabbed. She wouldn’t have got you here otherwise.”

“Well, she has a point.”

Jane nodded. “That she does.”

Frankie went silent as he sipped his beverage.  “Whoa. This right here is a momentous occasion.”

Jane smirked. “It is. You going to tell her?”

“Hell no. No need for her to get a big head or anything.”

Jane pressed her cup to Frankie’s and winked at him.  “That’s why you’re my favorite.”

Jane saw her brother to the door and promptly headed for the bathroom. The recent contents of her stomach spilled into the toilet. They were going to see Maura. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.  Nerves radiated throughout making her more jittery than the coffee ever could. _I’m a badass._   Jane told herself as she looked in the mirror. She looked pale. _I’m a very human badass. Get it together Rizzoli. No turning back now, and you know you don’t want to._

A few minutes later, Frost and Jane descended in the elevator.

“You okay?” Frost asked.

 _I hate him!_ _Why does he have to notice everything?_ “Yeah.” Jane gave him a quick glance.

“I’d be nervous too.”

“Uh huh.”

Frost chuckled.

“Shut up.”

_**_

Maura wasn’t fazed by the familiar sound of Frost’s laughter, but Jane’s accompanying husky burr caught her completely unaware. She glanced upward at her visitors and began to remove reapplied gloves and other protective gear with suddenly numb fingers.

“Hey, Maura. We caught this one. Whitehead will be gone for a little while.”

Maura smiled and nodded in his direction. Unable to help herself but as discreetly as she could, her eyes swung Jane’s way.  Her breath caught at what she saw.  Jane looked good. Maura licked her lips. _Something is going on here._

“Um, there was a total of twelve entry points.”

“Automatic weapon?” Frost asked.

“No. .38.”

“So whoever did this re-loaded.”  Frost clarified out loud.

“Obviously.” Jane murmured. “So, it’s probably not gang related. I can’t see Bo Bo showing off his .38 instead of a .9.”

“Bo Bo?” Her partner asked. The amusement in his voice was tangible.

“Only thing I could come up with in short notice.” Jane shrugged.

Maura looked from one detective to the other.  Something had definitely changed.  Jane caught her gaze but Maura looked away hurriedly. Still, in a few seconds, she felt scorched.  “There was, uh, extreme damage in his abdominal cavity but it was the bullet that tore the left ventricle that killed him.” _I can control this. I can._

“Anything special about the bullets?” Frost asked.

“No, standard issue. I was able to analyze the stomach contents, however. Battered fish…cod from the looks of it and French fries. There were also traces of malt vinegar.”

“Bar food.”

“No pub food.” Jane corrected. “What about trajectory?”

Maura made the mistake of looking up again. The quiet intensity burning in Jane’s eyes nearly floored her. Maura didn’t see hate, irritation or pain. There was only determination. “I’m sorry. What did you ask?”

A small, knowing smile graced Jane’s lips. “Trajectory?”

 _Oh God._ “I have the report from CSU for you.”  Maura was aware of her words but for some reason her legs refused to move.

Long seconds passed. “Can you get it for me, Maura?” Jane asked softly.

“I…yes.” Maura turned and headed toward her office.  Once alone, questions ran rampant. _What is going on?  Why is she looking at me that way?_  Maura wasn’t naïve she understood the twinkle in Jane’s eyes. _She can’t do this and I can’t let her._ Realizing that she had probably been gone too long, she reached for the folder on her desk.  _Peter…_

Seconds later, she thrust the folder in Jane’s direction. Jane reached for it covering Maura’s hand with her own.  Maura shrank back as if she had been burned. She ordered the tingles to dissipate with no effect. _Peter…_

“Thanks.” Jane handed the paperwork to Frost.  “Got anything else for us right now?”

Knowing it was cowardly, Maura did it anyway. Instead of answering, she shook her head.

“Let’s jet then. We’ve got work to do.”

“You go ahead. I’ll be there in a minute.” Jane countered.

Frost’s pursed his lips. “All right. See you in a bit.”

Then, they were alone.

Maura tried to swallow down the ball of fear in her throat. She turned and pretended to putter at assorted instruments.  “I-I can’t do this right now.”

She felt rather than heard Jane move closer. “You want to say that again? Make it convincing for the both of us.”

Maura sucked in a shuddering breath. _Peter…_   “I’m not sure what that means.”

“Turn around, Maura.”

Jane’s breath ghosted over the back of her neck as she spoke. Maura barely contained the shiver. Heat surrounded her.  _Peter…_ “No…it doesn’t serve any purpose to do this.”

“Turn around and say it that to my face.”

Maura used thoughts of Peter to strengthen her resolve. “It won’t change…”  She turned and looked into Jane’s eyes.  They were dark, almost black. Her face was flushed and her pulse beat erratically at her neck. Maura could only come to one conclusion. They added up to the tale-tale signs of awareness and burgeoning arousal. Her resolve slipped as her stomach slithered into almost painful knots.

Jane stepped forward and Maura whimpered as need flared to life. Maura held up her hands intent on pushing Jane and the emotions away. They flattened against the upper part of her chest instead.

Jane leaned forward.

Maura’s ability to breathe disappeared. Her chest heaved as she searched for breath.

Their forehead’s touched. Hands slid around Maura’s waist

Maura’s hands bunched into fist taking the material of Jane’s jacket hostage _Jane…_    Her sense of control faded with each labored breath.

Jane’s lips hovered dangerously.  “I meant what I said, Maura. You’re not running from this. I’m not either…not anymore.”  Her tone was low and deeper than usual.

 _Jane…_   Maura wanted so much to close the distance between them. The need was damn near overwhelming. “Jane…”

“Does he make you feel this?”

Maura nearly swooned as lips grazed her cheeks and nose, denying her what she wanted most.

“But that’s the point isn’t it? I’m on to you.”

Jane’s breath smelled of coffee and something sweet. “Jane…”

“I’m right here, Maura. I’ve been here the whole time.”  Jane’s lips descended to the point where they were almost touching. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Maura’s heart was near bursting.  Arousal sloshed through her and pooled between her thighs. Maura strained upward. Willing to give in…wanting to give in.

Unbelievably, Jane stepped away. She grasped Maura’s hands, freeing herself.  “I want you to keep that in mind.” She added breathlessly and moved away even more.  “We’ll talk later.”

Feeling more bereft, aroused, and more alone than ever, Maura watched Jane go. She leaned heavily against the sink. What had just occurred mocked what Peter and her had shared earlier.  Maura looked down to see her hands shaking. Fear wafted around her. Her lack of control was obscene.  Maura was in trouble. _Oh God. What do I do? What am I supposed to do now?_

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**

Maura smiled slightly as she set the vase on her desk. She had picked six of her favorite blooms from the myriad that covered her living room this morning. Peter’s gesture had been sweet and story book romantic and the note scribbled on the card had been doubly so: _There is a color of rose to represent every emotion and the different types of love. I got you every one because it’s what I feel for you…everything_. Maura wasn’t that sort of woman but when Peter called for her reaction she pretended to be. It had become a well ingrained habit.

Maura had been pushed to a point she had never been before by her erstwhile suitors, and stepping away from them both had seemed like the most logical step. Many women thrived under all the attention, but Maura was unique. For her it was a heavy burden to bear, and Maura was sure by the end of it all she would take the place of Atlas, holding up the world on shoulders that where nowhere near as broad.

Dr. Pike had been more than happy to fill in while she took a couple of personal days in an attempt to ease said burden. Maura peered at the buttery smooth leather that stretched over her chair and wondered if she should have it cleaned.  As she sat down anyway, her mind shifted back to the subject at hand.

The text she had sent Peter was answered with reluctant understanding.  Concerning Jane, Maura did nothing at all. Fear had kept her from being cordial this long so ignoring Jane had been par for the course. Maura barricaded herself in her home. Turning off both her home and cell phone and her personal promise not to answer the door had been her own form of sensory deprivation. Her system had to recover from the bombardment of Jane, but she found that an indelible impression had been made. There was no returning from it. The past two days had been harrowing and the time alone in no way improved matters. In a way, it made it easier to try denial on again for size, but Maura found that it didn’t fit quite as well as it did before.

An involuntary shiver urged her to push thoughts of the other woman aside, but therein lay the problem. Her brain sent the command but the rest of her had long since advocated as part of an overall mutiny. Despite all of that, sometime during the night Peter had obviously used his key and his knowledge of the security codes to state his case in grand fashion.

It had indeed been romantic but Peter’s gestures and his presence alone lacked the all-encompassing heat that singed Maura from the inside out when Jane was near. It was one of the things she liked about her relationship with him the most…her ability to control it. Jane represented a danger to her equilibrium. Everything about her was passion, dedication and drive. _I know what it feels like to have all that intensity pointed my way._   Maura had no idea how handle it all and survive the onslaught intact.

Her last encounter with Jane had left her brain rattled and her body crying out. She had taken the days off to strengthen her armor, but she had no idea if it would hold up against a real test. It was the most frightening prospect she had ever encountered. _It’s either the decimation of me or our friendship._   Maura understood indeed what it meant to be caught between Scylla and Charybdis---a rock and a hard place.

The easy thing to do would be to tell Peter she loved him. The easy thing to do would be to tell Peter she wanted him. The easy thing to do would be to tell him she needed him. It was easy, but it was also a lie. This was indicative of one of the many battles raging inside Maura, but it was time to work now or at least try to do so. It had become increasingly difficult to separate the professional persona from the personal one, but at the moment, Maura tried with a vengeance to do just that.

Trying to free herself from her thoughts, Maura hunkered down and began to sift through the mess Pike left on her desk. The sound of a knock startled her enough to look up sharply and promptly lose her breath.

Jane leaned lazily against the door jab carrying two rather large cups of coffee and sporting a smirk that Maura could only describe as sinful.

“I can tell by the deer in headlights look that you weren’t expecting me.”

Maura blinked.  _What do I say to her?_ The urge to run was profound.

Not waiting for a reply, Jane sauntered in and placed her gift at the edge of Maura’s desk before plopping down in a convenient chair.  Jane peered at Maura offering a smile that was all dimples and attitude. “I take full responsibility for your…hiatus.  Dr. Pike is interesting but I’d rather stare at your ass all day.”

 _She hasn’t given up one bit. Breathe Maura. Focus on your goals._   For a moment, Maura completely forgot what those goals were.  “Jane, I—“  Maura attempted to add sternness to her voice.

“Relax. No hot and confusing kissing unless you want to.”

“I won’t.” Maura said quickly.

“Uh huh.”  Jane smiled knowingly.

Maura eased back in her chair and took a deep breath to try to center herself. It hadn’t worked the last hundred times so she wasn’t that disappointed that it wasn’t effective this go around. So, she had to settled for the familiar feeling of being off kilter especially involving Jane. “Why are you here?”

Silent for a few seconds, Jane took the top of one of the coffee’s and reached into her pocket. After dumping an obscene amount of sugar in it, she took a sip. Without preamble, she pushed the other cup toward Maura. “Just like you like it with soy blah, blah.”

If she looked at the situation just so, it could almost be like old times. Maura felt a smile tugging on her lips.

Jane’s eyes seemed to twinkle as they tracked from her to the vase on Maura’s desk. “Pretty. From Peter?”  Jane’s eyes continued to dance. “Did he leave breakfast too? The croissants didn’t look too good this morning.”

Maura could feel a blush coming and she had no idea why. “I, uh, brought them from home.”

Jane’s brows rose. “Did he do the pepper your house with flowers thing?”

And that was why. Maura shifted uncomfortably.  “I’m not sure we should---“

“You hate that.”  Jane’s tone was full of mirth.

 _I do._ “It was sweet, and I’m not sure we should be talking about this.”

“You pretended to like it though. Am I right?”

Maura’s face felt decidedly hot. _She sees and knows entirely too much._ Maura went into defense mode.“Thanks for the coffee, but maybe you should go.”

Jane held up her hands in a placating gesture. “Relax. Truce? I’ll try not to bring him up again.”

Maura eyed her for several seconds seeing contriteness and apology. “Why are you here?”

“I miss you.” Her voice and expression dripped with sincerity.

The words seemed to resonate. Maura’s heart jumped to her throat as she remembered the overwhelming feelings of loneliness that seemed to have become her best friend. Maura peered at Jane. There were so many things she wanted to say. There was so much anger she wanted to express. “You have no idea what it’s been like for me. I don’t have anyone else.”

Jane’s eyes seemed to darken, and her mouth opened before closing again. Silence stretched between them. “Touché, Maura, but I think we both have something to do with that. It doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. I miss making you laugh. I miss the useless big words and the excessive explanations.”

Maura looked away. Part of her did not want to participate in the moment, but the bigger part spoke for her. “I miss the way you tease me about the price of my shoes and having you to talk to.”

Their gazes met as they shared the emotion.  Genuine smiles formed between them.

Again, Maura recalled old times. It made her nostalgic and hopeful. “In time, maybe we can get past this and be like we were before.”

“That’s a really beautiful lie you’re telling yourself, Maura.”  Jane shook her head and smiled sadly.

Despite Jane’s words, Maura pushed forward. “Attraction wanes. You have Addison. I’m sure she’s enough to make you forget your own name.”

Jane placed her cup back on the desk and leaned forward. “Is that what you think this is?”

“Isn’t it?”

“Oh, I want you. I think I’ve made that clear, but it’s not all. If it were just attraction, maybe Addison would have been enough.”

Maura’s breath expelled in a mighty whoosh. She seemed to have been doing that a lot lately. Her heart thrummed against her rib cage. _I can’t deal with anymore. I don’t want responsible for anyone else’s feelings._ “I don’t want to hear this,” Maura hissed.

Jane totally ignored her. “So you want to know what else I miss?  The way you smell, the way you taste, and the way you sound when I touch you.”

Maura shifted in her chair. This time she was a whole different kind of uncomfortable.  Awareness crept over her skin as it had been sitting there in wait. “We’ve barely….” Maura trailed off not wanting to address the issue. “I can’t do this with you.”

Steamrolling over her, Jane pushed forward. “We’ve done enough. You don’t feel that without there being anything behind it. You want to know when I knew? The night you came to show me the ring. I didn’t sleep for almost three days and I went through more women and booze…that shit must have been a record.”

Maura flinched and looked away. Still, the blanket of knowledge settled over her. It was a snug fit as if it belonged. Panic began to creep forward. In a valiant effort, she clamped down on the emotion, pushing it back where it belonged. It simply wouldn’t do to fall apart in front of Jane.

“It didn’t help. Fucking Addison numbed me enough to make things manageable, but that’s not happening anymore either.”

Their eyes met.

“Yeah, I haven’t touched her for a while.”

“I didn’t---“ A sense of relief invaded Maura.

“You didn’t have to.”  Jane paused. “Look, I didn’t come down here to pour my heart out like this and make things harder than they already are.”

Maura’s heart went from her throat to her stomach. “But they are, Jane. In fact, they seem insurmountable.”  _Why did she have to tell me this?_

“And I know that. I’m in this shit too remember?”

Maura closed her eyes briefly. She could almost see the wall of emotion tumbling toward her.  “Then, why?”  She asked once more, hoping for additional clarity.

“To tell you I miss you and see if you were free for lunch.”

Maura swallowed. She hated to dash the hopeful look in Jane’s eyes. “I can’t date you, Jane.”

“I’m not asking for a date. Addison will be there too.  I’m asking for us to reconnect. What have we got to lose?”

Suddenly wary, Maura peered at Jane. “How do I know this isn’t just some attempt between the two of you to sway me?”

Jane said nothing as their gazes met and held.

Maura felt ashamed. _I know her better than that._ “I’m sorry. That was—“

“A low blow. Make it up to me.”

“Jane—“

“Truce, Maura. Remember? I can be in the same room with you and not touch you. I’ve done well so far.”  Brown eyes seemed to become even darker.

Maura’s stomach cramped pleasantly. “But you want to.”

“And you want me to.”

“No, I—“

“Fuck, admit it. I promise the world will keep turning. It won’t be the end of it.”

 _She can’t keep bringing me back to this. She can’t and I can’t keep letting her._  A sudden wave of heat blasted Maura. “If you already know the answer—“

“I want to hear you say it.”  Jane husked as she licked her lips. Her eyes were blazing.

Maura shook her head as panic reared its head completely mixing with budding arousal. “There’s no point. It doesn’t change anything.”

“It makes it real as fuck.”

“This isn’t going to make me have lunch with you.”  Maura added breathlessly remembering what it felt like to be kissed by Jane…to be touched by Jane.

“No, but common decency might. Remember that, Maura? I haven’t done anything to hurt you, but I’ll be god damned because I still keep getting my teeth kicked in.”

Maura felt like she had been drenched in ice water. “I haven’t meant to hurt you.”

“I know that. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be here. So, lunch at 1 o’clock at the deli?”

Maura nodded.  Jane was an expert in knowing what strings to pull. It was what made her an outstanding detective. Still, she knew it wasn’t all manipulation. A majority of it was want and need… her own. She wasn’t kidding when she said she missed Jane. Loneliness mingled with a host of other emotions encouraged her to reach out because fear never would.

Jane stood. Her expression was intense and somehow it was made even more so by a slow smirk. “I going to go and leave you to it then.” 

Maura felt as if she were being studied by hungry brown eyes. “What is it?” She asked.

“Nothing. I just really want to kiss you right now.”

Maura could feel the whimper come, but before she had a chance to capture it, it was released into the air.  “Please don’t.”  The words fell from her lips even though her body screamed the opposite.  “You can’t keep doing this to me. I’m never prepared.“  It was tantamount to emotional whiplash.

“That’s the point, Maura. I never said I played fair. In fact, I can be dirty as hell.”  Jane said, sporting a rakish grin.

The images the words provoked were beyond sensual, beyond erotic. Every synapse seemed to fire at once and for a moment, Maura had never felt more alive. She reached for a response but could not find one. Maura wasn’t sure what her expression held but obviously it pleased Jane.

Her smile was triumphant. “I’ll see you at lunch unless something comes up. Either way, I’ll see you.”

Then, Maura was alone. She leaned back in her seat tiredly and tried to decipher the emotions bombarding her…panic, fear, arousal, and regret. Jane’s admission caused them all to rear their heads. Her insides literally trembled. Still, Jane’s words hung in the air as Maura recalled the power of her own reaction.  If it went deeper than the physical for Jane, could it be the same for her?  Maura had uncovered many things since she started to dig through the mess her life had become. What was to be found if she went deeper still?  Maura jumped up from her chair and slammed her thoughts closed. _No…just no._

**

The wind whipped through Jane’s hair and stung her skin as she ran. Her feet pounded hard against the pavement, sending unpleasant shockwaves through her entire body. Houses zipped by in her periphery, making Jane feel like she was the fodder in a surreal painting. Leaning forward and pumping her arms furiously, her speed increased as their suspect, Damon Waters jumped over a nearby fence. His lack of weapon made the chase a little less dangerous but no less gratifying. Somewhere behind her, Jane heard Frost’s labored breaths. This strengthened her resolve, knowing her back up was just where she needed it to be.  In close vicinity, sirens could be heard as fellow cops cordoned off the area. A second later, she used the fence as momentum as she vaulted over it. It was just enough time to see Damon turn the corner.

“God dammit!” Jane screamed as she ordered her legs to continue moving despite the burning that sieged them.  She turned the corner and nearly whooped in triumph as his gait began to slow. Halfway down the alley, Jane took a giant leap forward onto his back. They crashed to the ground. Damon hit the concrete face first. Jane cringed in involuntary empathy. That was going to leave a scar. Damon wrestled with Jane for control. She ended up on top but somehow he was able get an arm loose enough to throw a punch despite the .9 millimeter now pointing in his bleeding face.

Jane avoided a fist headed for her face. “No you don’t you fuck shit!”  She landed a swift blow to his Adam’s apple. Damon gasped raggedly and reached for his throat. The fighting spirit left him. Lifting just enough to turn him over, Jane re-holstered her weapon and jerked his arms back as she cuffed him.  Her anger boiled. “You better be fucking glad you missed. I’ll be damned if I go to lunch with a black eye.”

Still sucking wind, Jane stood and peered down at her conquest. He stared back at her. There was rage in his eyes. It mingled well with the blood dripping from his scraped forehead and nose.  “What! WHAT!? Now you have something to say? All this shit could have been avoided.”

Damon looked away.

“That’s what I thought.”

“Are you fucking PMSing or something?” Frost asked as he pulled Damon to his feet.

“What? Would you go on a date with a fucked up face?”

“It’s not a date remember unless you’re gonna make it a threesome.” Frost stated.

“Bet you would like pictures of that.”

“Hell no. I want video with surround sound.”  Frost added.

 Damon looked at them both as if they sprouted horns.

“What?!” They asked simultaneously.

He shrugged.

“Why do they always have to run?” Frost asked.

“Cause I didn’t shoot nobody.” Damon answered.

“Oh look he speaks but only stupid shit comes out. We never got to ask you anything about a shooting Damon.”  Jane added. She resisted the urge to pop him in the back of the head.

“I knew she was racist. Look what she did to my face. Wait till I tell my lawyer.”

“Man, shut up. I saw the whole thing.” Frost said, and as if he had read her mind, he flicked Damon in the back of the head. “You just proved her point.”

Jane chuckled.

“H-how did you find out about me? If that cat hada been black, ya’ll woulda paid it no mind.” Damon continued.

Frost covered his face with a hand. “Good God just dig that hole deeper.”

“Because Damon you have stupid friends too.”  Jane turned to Frost.  “This was an easy one. Remind me to thank Whitehead when he comes back.”

As they exited the alley, a police car pulled up. Frost pushed him into the back seat.“Just in time boys. It’s a long walk back to our car.”

Officer Donovan tilted his head in acknowledgement. “He looks like shit Rizzoli, but you look like you got dragged across the pavement pretty good.”

“Racism!” Damon yelled.

“Shut up!” They all seemed to recite at once.

“What are you—“ Jane peered down at herself. The knees of her slacks were scuffed and torn and blood dotted her shirt. “Son of a bitch!”  She glared at her partner accusingly. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“You don’t mess with a woman and her PMS.” Frost answered and shrugged.

Heat flooded Jane’s face as they all laughed. She bared her teeth in a semblance of a smile. “Still have a full clip and I know where to hide all of you. They’ll never find the bodies.”

“See! That bitch is crazy!” Damon screamed.

“Shut up!” The collective sound appeared to echo.

“All right, Rizzoli. We’ll see you at the precinct.” Donovan nodded again before driving away.

Jane and Frost started walking again. “If we cut down the next couple of streets, we’ll get to the car faster. I’m guessing you want to run home and change.”

“Uh huh. You’d better be glad we have time.”

“I’m so surprise Maura hasn’t fallen to your feet yet. That charm has me eating out of your hand.” Frost smiled toothily.

“Fuck and you.”  Jane growled.

Frost chuckled. “So, are you nervous?”

“Do I look nervous?”  _I’m nervous as fuck! Even with Addison there._

“You’re something and a whole lot of eager. It almost looked like you were flying when you tackled our boy. All that was missing was the cape and the x-ray eyes.”

Jane shrugged. _He knows me too damn well._   “I didn’t want to be late.  You have no idea what I had to go through to get her to come. ”

“Mmm hmm. You played dirty didn’t you?”

“God, I wanted to. You have no idea.” Jane’s insides shivered as she remembered the electricity between them.

“Your mind just went all nasty didn’t it?” Frost asked.

“Oh yeah.”  _I thought I was going jump the desk and hump her leg. I get the feeling that she’s damn close to letting me._ “I played the friend card more than anything.I just miss---“ _Being around her_.

“Yeah, I can understand that.”  Frost paused. “You think you’ll have things wrapped up so she’ll be your date on Friday?”

“Huh? Why would I need a date on Friday, and no probably not.”

“That charity thing.”

“That what?” Jane paused. “Oh, I completely forgot about that. I’m not going anyway.”

“Oh yeah, you are. Cavanaugh ordered us to.”

“No, I remember now he said we might want to think about going.”

“Same thing!”

“He won’t miss me. You and Korsak will be there. I hate those things.”

“You have one of the highest clearance rates. I’m sure he wants to show off his prize pig.”

Jane stopped. “Did you just call me a pig?”

Frost rolled his eyes. “It was a play on words, Jane. You know… cops and pigs? You can bring red hot then.”

A brow rose. “You’re just on a roll aren’t you?”

“Well, she does have red hair and she’s flaming hot.”

Jane groaned. “So original.”  She glanced down the street, seeing their car. “If you use the interstate, we’ll get there faster.”  Jane threw the keys in her partner’s direction.

“Yessum, Mrs. Daisy. I be drivin’.” Frost grinned.

“Now that was racist.”

“Couldn’t help myself. Let’s get you to your woman.”

**

Peter peered down at the basket underneath his arm. _Maybe there is a such thing as overly romantic, but what woman could turn down wine and cheese?_   Peter was sure that the flowers had earned him some pointage but knew it couldn’t have been much. _Isn’t that what’s helped men throughout history flowers and bad poetry? I had to give it a try. Look what I’m up against._

Quickly, he moved up the steps to the police station and wondered what Jane had cooked up in the last few days. She didn’t seem like the type of woman who dabbled in romance. She was all heat, swagger and look into my dark brooding eyes.  _And I’m giving her flowers and an unannounced lunch._ Peter stopped mid stride. “What the fuck am I doing? I don’t thinks he even likes this kind of thing.”   A little voice in the back of his head whispered that he was grasping at straws.

He started walking again, slowly. If those straws tipped the scale in his favor, Peter was all for desperation.  The same little voice whispered again asking where was Maura’s heat for him? Peter quieted the noise in his head no matter what truth it spoke. It felt like it had been weeks rather than a couple of days since he had seen Maura. Peter wanted to believe the world would right itself when he laid eyes on her, and foolishly, he wanted to believe it would be the same for her.

As he pulled the door open, Peter remembered the look on Jane’s face and the confidence in her eyes and it petrified him. What human being wouldn’t react to that? What sane person wouldn’t give in?  He shook his head. It was exhausting moving from one extreme to another. One minute he was convinced  that the hurdles in front of him were jumpable, but the next, Peter was certain of the impossibility. It was a strange, depressing place to be.  As if on cue, his thoughts shifted again, leaning toward the hopeful. _Maybe if I could remind her of the heat I can generate and my attitude I could tilt the scales a little bit more._

_*_

Maura looked at the clock and could literally feel the icy fingers of dread inching their way down her spine as reality sank in. _I should have never agreed to this. If it was the right thing to do, I’d feel better about it._ As the hours ticked by, Maura’s mind grappled with a thousand different ways to cancel and preserve Jane’s feelings, but she had come to the conclusion that there wasn’t one.

As she divested herself of gloves and other protective materials, another thought struck.  _If I don’t show up at all, it could be the end of this…the end of us completely. She could move on in time and so can I. Our lives would be better…simpler._ She turned toward the sink as the thought became idea and took shape.

“Good thing I have a pretty strong stomach. Otherwise, lunch would be moot.”

Even though she was startled, Maura closed her eyes at the sound of Peter’s voice. His time couldn’t have been better.  “This is a surprise.”  She gave him all the smile that she could muster.

“If it’s not a good one, all you have to do is tell me to leave, Maura.” Despite his words, Peter’s eyes pleaded to the contrary.

“It’s okay. Now, I get to thank you in person for the roses.”

“I know it was a bit much---“

“I even brought some to work with me.” Maura interrupted.  _Am I capable of what I’m about to do?_

Peter went silent but began to move closer. When they were only inches apart, he reached out freeing her hair from its confines. When he was done, he twirled a strand around his finger.  “That’s great,” he whispered thickly.

Maura saw it in his eyes. He wanted to kiss her, and he wasn’t going to ask permission.  There were no fireworks of anticipation… not even a tingle.  She was beyond disappointed but hoped that the actual act would cause some sort of chain reaction. _I want to want him_.

Peter closed the remaining distance between them and Maura met him half way. She expected gentleness, but apparently, he came to conquer.  He pulled her close, flush to his body, crushing his lips to hers. When there was room, Maura attempted to respond in kind. She searched her feelings, waiting for some sort of explosion, but there was nothing…not even the warm buzz that was usually present. All she felt was the evidence of Peter’s arousal against her. She shuddered and not in a good way.  It gave her profound pause.  _I think… I know I’m in trouble here._   Just the thought made her want to run even more.

As graceful as she could, Maura stepped away from the embrace. Peter’s eyes opened slowly and a smile spread across his face. “Um, sorry about that. It’s been a while.”  He had absolutely no clue what had just transpired.

Maura nodded in understanding. “It’s okay.” She decided to change the subject. “What’s in the basket?”

“Oh yeah, can you believe they still make these things?  I got it at some wine market. They had some great looking reds, an assortment of cheeses and artisan breads.”

“That’s sweet, but I can’t be impaired while I’m working, Peter.”

His face fell. “I didn’t even think about that. I just wanted to see you…”

He didn’t ask if she already had plans and Maura didn’t offer. “There’s this great little bistro across town…”  She trailed off and answered the question she posed to herself just a few scant minutes earlier. As she gathered her belongings Jane’s words reverberated… _common decency._   Maura swallowed.  Apparently today, it wasn’t a trait she possessed.

**

“So, tell me something?”  Jane asked as she took a long swig of her Coke. “I know you were married…to a man, but why did you get divorced?”

Addison gave her glass of water a little shake in an attempt to distribute the lemon evenly.  “It’s only because I like you that I’m telling you this.  I’m not as well put together as I seem.”

Jane’s eyes widened comically. “No!”

Addison’s eyes rolled in response. “I cheated, but we were over a long time before that.”  Addison searched her feelings and pain that had been so fresh years ago was only a shadow now.

Jane leaned forward as if knowing she was about to receive some juicy information. “Damn his ego must have taken a beating, but he knew what he was getting into …he knew you liked women?”

“It wasn’t a woman.”

“You’re kidding?!”

“Nuh uh. He’s a very pretty man though.” Addison stated sheepishly.

Jane’s mouth fell open.

“It’s a shocker I know. The whole thing was the biggest mistake I ever made.” For some unknown reason, Addison felt her stomach churn. “Disappointed?”

“Hell no. Who am I to criticize? I’ve had more ass the past few months than I’ve had my whole life. You fuck who you fuck when you fuck’em.”

She relaxed. Obviously, it was what she needed to hear.  Moving on, Addison tried to decipher  Jane’s colorful use of language. _What the hell?_   “Come again?”

“Not with me anymore, remember?” Jane reminded her with a smirk.

Addison groaned. “Don’t remind me. God, if they had blow up Jane fuck dolls, they’d be worth a fortune.”

Jane threw back her head and laughed. After a couple of minutes of shared mirth, Jane sobered and took another sip of her drink. “I kinda told Maura I was in love with her.”

Addison’s hand stopped midway to her mouth. “Get the fuck out!” _Way to take the bull by the balls!_

“Seriously.”  Jane sucked in a deep breath.

“How did she take it?”

“Better than I thought she would. It just kind of came up.”

“She still agreed to come to lunch? I expected her to---“

“Run screaming the other way? Yeah, me too. I’m pretty sure it was the friendship talk that convinced her.”

 _This was way too easy._  “No offense, but I was sure you were going to have to hump her leg to get her to agree to anything.”

Jane snorted. “Great minds and all that shit because I thought about it. I really, really thought about it.”

Addison chuckled and resisted the urge to look down at her watch.  “How are you? You did a pretty brave thing.”

“Okay, I think. It was actually the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Who would have fucking thought it?’  Jane shook her head but her eyes were alight with wonder and hope.

Addison raised her hand. “I called it from the beginning, remember?”

“Smug bitch.”

“Yes, that would be me.”

It turned out Jane couldn’t resist the urge like Addison did. She peered at her phone and looked out at the people milling about on the sidewalk.  The apprehensive look on her face worried Addison, making her glance at her watch.  _Shit, Maura. What the hell are you thinking?_ It was seven minutes past 1 o’clock.  “Maybe—“

The expression on Jane’s face went from hurt to anger.  “She would’ve called if something came up or if she was stuck in traffic. She is never fucking late otherwise. You know this!”  Jane hissed.

 _Fuck! I’m going to kill her. I’m going to fucking kill her._   “Jane—“

“No!” Jane screamed attracting several onlookers. “Don’t fucking sugar coat it for me. Not now.”

“I wouldn’t dare.” Addison reached across the table grabbing Jane’s hand and holding tightly. “She’s not coming. I’m sorry.”  Addison whispered.

Jane’s grip was painful enough to bring tears to her eyes but Addison refused to let go.  “I know it hurts, but don’t give up.”

Jane’s eyes were wild, unhinged.  “FUCK!” Her free hand slammed against the table hard enough to rattle the glasses. Addison jumped in surprise. 

Jane tried to pull away from her. “No, look at me. Jane? JANE!”

Their eyes met, and the pain Addison saw was enough to make her chest ache.  “She’s scared. You have to know she cares.”  _It sounds like I’m making excuses for her._

“Don’t,” Jane husked as if she knew it as well.

They gazed at each other for several unbearable minutes. When Jane pulled away this time, Addison let her. She had wounds to nurse. Silently, she watched as Jane rose and walked out of the restaurant.

Addison closed her eyes and sighed. Even though she had been everything but subtle, the gloves were coming off. It was time to show Maura a tougher form of love.  _God, Maura. How could you?_

**

After closing the door behind Peter, Maura peered around the empty expanse of her living room.  There had been lunch, dinner after work and drinks after dinner. The positive thing was that Peter presence brought with it a numbness that allowed her to get through the day. Now, that she was alone guilt blindsided her.

Maura sank heavily into the couch. She peered down at her hands sitting primly in her lap and detected a fine tremor.  _I did the right thing. I know it hurt her, but she’ll realize one day why._   _She doesn’t need someone like me in her life. I’ll only hurt her._ Maura ignored her conscious screaming at her cowardice.  _I’ll miss her but Peter will be there._ Despite the self-talk, guilt continued to roll through her.  “I did the right thing,” she said aloud. It almost sounded convincing.

Maura’s doorbell rang and it was followed by a persistent knock. She rose from the couch and moved quickly toward the noise.  Maura had barely turned the knob before Addison burst through the door. Before she knew what was happening, Maura’s back slammed against the far wall.

Addison’s body molded with her own, leaving no distance between them. A hand snaked around her throat. “Remember what it was like?” Addison whispered hotly. “To be with a woman?”

In total and complete shock, Maura lacked the faculties to answer her.

“How hot it was, how wet and soft?  Do you remember coming so hard and so much your legs felt like putty the next day?”  The softness of Addison’s voice was in direct contradiction to the anger in her eyes.

Maura shivered at the thought. She peered into hooded blue eyes and was instantly transported back to the times they shared a bed. Her body reacted violently as arousal flooded her in a mighty gush.  Maura immediately began to fight against it. It was too much. “Addison! What—“

“Of course you do.”  Addison’s head lowered. Their lips brushed.

To Maura’s utter embarrassment, she whimpered but her brain urged her to fight. She bucked against Addison’s body but she had always been a lot stronger than she looked. 

“You were alive then, Maura.”

Blue eyes bore into hers. Maura tried to look away. _I can’t._

“Look at me!”

Unable to resist, Maura did as she was told.

“Peter is a blind man but he isn’t stupid. Don’t you think he’ll figure it out? You don’t burn for him like you did for me…like I know you do for Jane. Where will you be then?”

Maura felt tears rush to her eyes. _What am I doing?  Is she right? I don’t know anymore._

“Alone, Maura. Do you have any idea what you did today? You’d better pray to some deity that you didn’t lose her for good.”

“S-she’s better off. We’re better—“

“And you’re a fucking coward.” Addison seemed to pause for effect. “I have more enemies than friends. You know that, so I can’t sit by and watch when someone I care about hurts themselves.”

 _Oh God._ Maura didn’t want to hear anymore despite the fact that she needed to hear it.  She turned her head to the side.

“I know you’ve had a hard life but every time you have the chance to live…really live you run away from it. Life is pain, Maura but there are times when there is so much happiness it’s hard to breathe.” Addison shook her, hard.  “Live it, or are you so fucking dead inside nothing else matters?”

The tears fell as their gazes met once more. “T-there’s so much…I don’t know what to do with…it all.”

Addison murmured. “Feel it… just like any other human being.”

“I-I don’t know how.”

“Let her teach you. Jane’s an expert.”

The weight on Maura’s shoulders felt crushing. Her head lowered underneath the onslaught.

Addison’s sigh sounded like one of pure frustration. “I don’t know what else to say to you.”

Then, Maura was free from the heat that surrounded her. She slid down the wall onto the ground and watched Addison’s feet as they took the rest of her body out the door.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**

Maura put the cap on the toothpaste and peered at herself in the mirror. Green eyes blinked back at her as she examined herself for the first time in what seemed like ages. Within her reflection, Maura saw a beautiful woman. She saw an intelligent woman. She saw an independent woman. Going deeper she also saw a woman she despised.

Tears sprang to her eyes but they did not fall. There had been times in her life where she detested the things she’d done, but she never thought that they would change her as a person. This time Maura had been dead wrong.  She had no idea who peered back at her but she knew that woman had let fear rule her. It was a great irony to be controlled by such an emotion while she tried vehemently to run from feelings as a whole. It was a contradiction now realized that left her reeling.

Addison’s words reverberated and presently Maura had a solid answer to her question. She was in no way dead inside but had looked at life as something she could control and dictate to suit her existence… an existence free of complications.  It was an epiphany reached in the early hours of the morning aided by wine and careful retrospection. Early life had been dictated to Maura by a family who didn’t want her…then, by one who barely acknowledge her.

As she got older, Maura took fate in her own hands and made the decision to have it all. Dreams of childhood were shattered but the dreams of an adult would be easier realized on her own terms…terms she could command and regulate.  

As it turned out, she was in command of nothing.

With a slow meticulous hand, Maura began to apply make-up, but she knew it would do nothing to hide the dark circles underneath her eyes or the person she had become… a coward. With this acknowledgement came others, and the most difficult one of all had been admitting that her fear had caused pain….no devastation to Addison, Jane and possibly Peter.

With a shaking hand, Maura continued her morning abloutions. This was at least something she could do without the possibility of ruin. _There has to be some way to fix this. I can’t keep tearing everyone I care about apart. What kind of person am I?_

The sudden sound of the doorbell was cacophonous. Maura swallowed down the bile that rushed to her throat. She gripped the side of the sink and almost went with the temptation to ignore it, but decided at the last second that she had ignored enough.

When she entered her living room, Maura stopped cold to see Peter setting a bounty of delicious smelling bags on the coffee table. He greeted her with a wide, welcoming smile and warm eyes. Before she could utter a word, he moved forward intent on some sort of physical contact. Maura held up her hands and backed away. “Don’t.”

Peter’s face fell. “I-I thought after yesterday …”

Maura looked away. She heard Peter suck in a surprised breath. “Has Jane been here? Has something happened?” His eyes and voice was heavy with panic.

Maura felt even lower but let the words come anyway. “A lot has happened and I can’t deal with this…” She pointed to Peter and back to herself.  “…right now. Please?” Her tone was soft but filled with a myriad of emotions.

“What the hell does that mean?”  Peter’s panic changed to irritation.

“It means that I can’t be responsible for your feelings right at this second. I’m feeling too much myself.”

Peter’s expression was incredulous. “So let me get this straight. Are you saying coming here like this was selfish? I just wanted to be close to you.”

“What about what I want, Peter?”

Peter’s throat bobbed as he swallowed. “What…what do you want?”

Maura looked away and wrapped her arms around her body in an effort to try retain that last bit of sanity she possessed.  “I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. That’s what I want. Every word, every touch hurts someone.” Maura paused. _And I lose a little more of myself._ “So, please. Now is not the time for you to be here.”

He took a step forward. His eyes were pleading. “But—“

“Peter please go home!”  Maura felt a twinge of guilt for her vehemence. _But why can’t he see? I can’t do this with him right now._

Peter flinched as if he had been slapped. “Are you saying we’re—“

Maura felt as though she was losing her mind. “I’m saying that right now I don’t have it in me to soothe your insecurities even though I’m the one that help create them.” Her voice was raw and exposed and Maura was sure her expression was the same.

He sucked in a pained breath.  His eyes were wide and frantic. Apparently, it was enough. “I…understand.  I know you would never hurt me purposefully.”

Nodding, Maura left the living area without another word, needing to escape the very air around her as it sagged with emotion. A few seconds later, Maura found herself back in front of the mirror.  The sorrow filled green eyes of a stranger blinked back at her.  _There has to be a way to fix this._  Borne out of desperation, she gleaned onto the idea that came to mind. She had to see Jane. She had to beg for some semblance of forgiveness and hope the damage done was not irreparable.  It was the first step and in Maura’s mind this accomplishment could only lead to a resolution of some form or fashion.

*

Jane growled as the hand on her shoulder continued to shake her.

“For the last time, you don’t scare me. Get your ass in gear or you’re going to be late for work.”

Jane squeezed closed eyes tighter, refusing to acknowledg _e_ Addison’s words and at the moment the woman herself.

“I know the day was shit, but—“

“If you say today will be better, I swear to fucking God I will shoot you.”  Even to her own ears, Jane’s voice sounded scorched and hollow.  _Damn her. I don’t want anybody to be nice to me today._

Addison chuckled, “Ah, good morning to you too detective.”

One of Jane’s eyes open under its own volition. The darkness that immediately began to well within her  as she became more conscious did nothing to blot out the rays of the sun and the loyal friend looking down on her.  _Maybe the world would be better if I wasn’t in it for a few days. I can sleep for a little while and everyone can move on._

“Jane,” The word fell from Addison’s lips softly. It was full of understanding.  Jane’s eyes started to well up in response but she denied the tears the right to fall. She had cried enough already. Addison brushed the hair back from Jane’s forehead.  The single touch reminded her that people existed…that people who cared for her existed.

“What are you doing here?” Jane asked irritably as she pushed past the moment between them.

“I was worried about you. I came by last night, but you weren’t here.”

Jane made a sound in the back of her throat. “I wasn’t slutting around if that’s what you thought.”

“I wouldn’t care if you were. I just thought you were hurting.”

Jane gave her an unpleasant smile as she sat up in the bed. “I’m not hurting Addison. There has to be some word that goes beyond that.”

“I don’t know. Isn’t that enough?”

“You have to know. You’re a fucking doctor. M-Maura would know.”  A vice squeezed Jane’s chest as she spoke Maura’s name.  “Fuck!”  She pushed hands through her hair wanting to rip it from her scalp…anything to make the pain inside a little less. “Just rip this fucker out of my chest please!”

Jane’s words were met with silence. She wanted to ignore the tugging on her arm but decided against it, allowing Addison to help her stand.  Jane chuckled but it was decidedly without humor. “Is that your way of telling me to get my shit together?”

Addison gave her a crooked smile. “I thought the moment called for subtlety, but yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“Yeah, then I know the drill.” Jane yanked her arm away. “And I know the way to my own fucking bathroom.”

Addison’s smile didn’t falter nor did she flinch at the anger barreling in her direction.  Jane shook her head, respecting this woman even more, but there was no way in hell she was going to admit that. Not now. “And you know I’m going to be bitch to you and everybody else for that matter, right?”  Jane said almost conversationally.

“I know. Coffee will be waiting in the kitchen.”

Jane gasped as she stepped into the shower. The water was scalding but she remained underneath it, taking the punishment as if she deserved it. She wanted the pain. It was all she knew as of late anyway.

She rubbed vigorously over her body, hoping to wash away the day before. It was there anyway, lurking.

 

_Jane threw herself into her car. Shaking hands slammed against the steering wheel as a pained sound escaped her lips. Her needs were instantaneous. She wanted a drink. Hell she wanted enough to make her incoherent. Then, the numbness took over, and as if by magic the car lurched forward, merging into traffic._

_Upon realization that she was no longer moving, Jane blinked and looked around her as if in a haze. Instead of a bar, she sat outside her parent’s house. A few seconds later, Jane was opening the door. She could hear her mother humming from the kitchen, but Jane continued moving, heading toward her old room._

_The door made no sound as she opened it. Jane stepped into a time when things were simple and  made sense. The numbing fog surrounding her began to dissipate as she looked upon what she could never have again. A rage filled her as she stomped toward the closest wall, ripping posters from it and shredding them to pieces in her hands._

_A sound filled the room. It was familiar but so far away but laced with anger and pain. Jane’s chest heaved as she continued. Paper fluttered to the floor littering the area._

_From somewhere in the distance, Jane heard her name but she was mesmerized by the torn memories on the floor. Strong hands gripped her shoulders and began shaking her._

_“Janie!”_

_The sound was closer but Jane still felt as if she were in a fish bowl._

_“Janie! You’re better than this!”_

_A hard shake flicked her head back violently. It was just enough to bring her back to reality._

_“Do you hear me?! You’re better than this!”_

_“No…I’m not.” Jane croaked._

_Jane heard her mother suck in a loud breath. “She hurt you?”_

_“I don’t think she knows how to stop.” Jane replied._

_“Oh, baby.” Angela Rizzoli whispered._

_Warm hands covered Jane’s face as she peered into eyes that were so like her own._

_“She’s scared of you.”_

_Jane flinched. She was tired of the excuses.  She closed her eyes looking within for something, anything to hold on to. “I’m not a monster.” Jane husked._

_“I know, and I know it hurts right now. The pain is worth it, Janie.”_

_Jane jerked away from the embrace. “Not if that’s the only thing left.”_

_“You’re stronger than this.”_

_“The hell I am.”_

_“God dammit! I said you are!” Her mother yelled._

_Mother and daughter glared at each other._

_Jane opened her mouth to speak._

_“Think about what you’re gonna say. I know you’re pissed right now, but I’m still your mother.” Angela’s tone was soft in warning.  “You’ll get through this I promise you. I know you don’t believe me, but both of you will. It’s your choice to wallow in it or push past it. You hear me?”_

_The glaring continued for what seemed like an eternity before Jane looked away. “Can you just leave me alone in here for right now?”_

_Angela Rizzoli nodded and pulled the door closed silently behind her._

_Jane moved a few steps and fell to the twin sized bed needing solace and protection from the world outside if only for a little while. Hours later, she left the house as silently as she came in._

 

Jane sighed as she buckled her belt.  She didn’t know what to believe in anymore, but right, now anger was the purest emotion. It was basic and true. Jane reached out with both hands and held onto it for dear life.

*

Addison sipped her coffee and watched blatantly as Jane did the same.

“Why don’t you take a fucking picture?”

Addison felt an eyebrow raise high on her forehead. Then, a burst of laughter escaped. “Are you kidding me? Is that the best you can do? I’ve been ripped apart by the best. You’re going to have to do better than that.” 

Jane stood abruptly, nearly throwing the still filled cup into the sink.  “Why don’t you just make it easy on the both of us and lose my address?”

“Can’t. I just had a key made. How’d think I got in?”  _So here we are in the pissed off stage. It took me a long time to get there but if I’d had someone there for me I wouldn’t have made the biggest mistake of my life._

“God dammit Addison!”

“Look let me save you some time and energy.  Just write me a letter with every nasty thing you want to say to me in it because I’m not going anywhere.” Addison stood and went to rustle through the cabinets. Within seconds she found what she needed and filled the barely used travel mug with coffee.

Jane’s expression was wide and unblinking as Addison shoved the mug in her direction and painted Jane’s cheek with a kiss before giving her a winning smile. “Now, try not to shoot anyone.”

Silently, Jane left the kitchen and Addison released a long suffering breath. “My God, Maura I hope you can do this.”

*

Jane walked into the squad room and made a bee line for her desk. Frost waved in her direction and Korsak tried to catch her eye.  She made a conscious decision to pull away from the warmness it usually offered and ignored them both.

Knowing it wasn’t going to last, Jane prepared herself for another attack. She didn’t have to wait long. Frost flashed her a white smile before positioning himself on the edge of her desk.

“Is that look supposed to be scary? I thought we had this discussion already?”

Jane stared at her partner using every effort to syphon every ounce of emotion out of her expression.  “Fuck off.”  Her tone was deadly.

“God, come on Jane. How did we get back there in twenty four hours?” His voice was gentle but filled with frustration.

Jane stood and stepped closer to him, invading his personal space. “Step…the fuck off.” She knew that she was being cruel, but it was easier this way--- If no one could get in then no one could hurt her.

Frost’s jaw clenched.

Burly arms appeared between them. “Whoa, now. Let’s take a step back and figure out what the hell is going on here.” 

Jane shrugged away from the hand Korsak tried to place on her shoulder.  “I don’t want to figure it out. I just want to be left the fuck alone.”

“So are you really stupid enough to think that alienating everyone in your life is the answer to all this shit?” Korsak asked in a gruff whisper.

“It’s my fucking answer to it!”

“Get a hold of yourself Rizzoli. Don’t broadcast your life like this. It’s hard enough for you…”

“Fuck you too. You old fuck!”  Jane felt as if she were outside her body looking in but couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

Korsak reached for her again. This time he didn’t miss grasping Jane’s forearm tightly. His expression was cold and beyond concerned. “I think you need to come with me.”

Jane tried to yank away. “The fuck I do!”

“Talk about adding fuel to the fire.” Frost interjected.

“What are you—“ Korsak started to ask as they all turned to look as Maura entered the squad room.

Korsak groaned. “C’mon Rizzoli. Time to go. Meet us in interrogation room one, doc.” Without another word he dragged Jane toward the back.

“I can’t wait to hear what she has to say now.”  Jane wanted to reach in and shake herself but all she could do was look on in horror. _What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?!_

The heavy door closed behind them. Jane wrestled away from her confines. Jane studied the three of the most important people in her life. She paced like a caged animal, waiting to be fed, waiting for its chance to strike. Her gaze zeroed in on Maura.

Confusion and apprehension skittered across Maura’s face. “Is there a problem between you--?” Her question was hesitant her tone wary.

“Did you hear something Korsak?” Jane peered at Maura wanting nothing more than to reach out and for all of this to be over. Then, as the pain flooded her words dripping with it fell from her lips.

“Jane.” He said warningly. “Don’t do this.”

Ignoring her old partner, Jane pushed forward. “Yeah, you’re the problem.”

“Think about this.” Frost added.

“How do you sleep at night, knowing what you did to me?!”

Maura backed away a few steps.  Jane could see the fear and pain displayed plainly but she ignored that too.

“I don’t. I-I can’t. “I’m sorry Jane. I’m so sorry.”

“Is that supposed to make it all better? Do I look all better?”

“Jane, I-“ Maura sobbed.

“Don’t you cry! Don’t you dare cry!”

Maura brushed at the tears on her face.

“Cowards don’t get to cry, Maura.”  Jane paused. Then, whispered brokenly, “I wish I hated you right now, but someday I will. Someday I won’t feel anything at all.”

“No, Jane. Please. I’m so sorry. I never meant—“

“Get out.”

“No, you have to listen to me---“  Tears streamed down Maura’s face as she pleaded.

“No, Maura. I don’t have to do anything where you’re concerned anymore. Get. Out.”  A strange veil of calmness laced the rage that burned inside her.

The sound of Maura’s retreating heels was cacophonous and the sudden slam of the door had a finality to it that made Jane slide bonelessly into a nearby chair.  Jane stared at the place where Maura stood seconds before. Breath whooshed from her chest as if she’d been punched in the stomach. Nausea made her insides churn. _God, I hate this. I hate my fucking life!_

“Give us a minute, kid?”  Korsak asked quietly.

“Yeah, no problem. Call if you need me.” Frost answered.

Silence surrounded them. “That sounded really final to me. You sure you want it to be that way?”

“When has it mattered what I wanted?” Jane asked. She felt drained and lifeless.

“It seems like to me that you think you’ve cornered the fucking market. Apparently, you’re the only one who’s been hurt in this. You’re the only one who’s ever been hurt anywhere.”

“Fuck you, Vince.” Jane said without vehemence. She didn’t have the energy.

“Oh, you don’t want to think about that do you? You survived Hoyt nearly tearing you apart to go down like this?”

Suddenly, heaviness invaded Jane’s limbs. “Sometimes, I wish—“  _No I don’t. Why did I even let that come out of my mouth?_

Jane’s head snapped backward almost painfully as Korsak grabbed her around the collar and shook her. “Don’t you fucking say it because I know you don’t mean it. I watched you put yourself back together again. If you could do it once, you can do it again.” His voice trailed off for a few seconds. “Or are you the pathetic cunt that some of them say you are?!” Korsak pointed toward the main squad room.

Something surged through her. “Let go of me.”

“What for? So you can wallow in this shit?”

Jane squeezed his wrist until his grip loosened.

“No fuck you Rizzoli. I’m tired of making excuses for you. I’m tired---“

The punch caught them both by surprise. Korsak staggered back and immediately brought his hand to his cheek.

Jane’s eyes widened as she settled back into her body with a thud. It was a harsh reminder that it was her life, shittiness and all. “Korsak, I—“

“Well, shit I think you got that loose tooth.”  Korsak took out a handkerchief and spat the contents of his mouth into it.

They both looked down at it.

The flush of embarrassment that rushed to Jane’s face was unavoidable.  “I’m sorry.  You shouldn’t have been in the middle of this.”

Korsak shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I was more worried about you, but as long as you have some fire in you, I think you can get through just about anything.” He clapped her on the back. “And just to let you know, I think you evened the playing field a bit. It looked like you ripped Maura’s heart out through her eyes. I’d say you guys were even. It could go up or further down from here. Up to you.  Now, let’s get out of here and back to work.”

They entered the squad room only to find Cavanaugh waiting at the entrance to the interrogation rooms.  “I need to get in your shit?” He asked irritably.

“We handled it for now, Cap. Right Rizzoli?”

Jane nodded once before making her way back to her desk. She sat down and peered in Frost’s direction. He bobbed his head, and just like that, all was forgiven.  Jane sat on Korsak’s words and let them marinate a bit.

He was right.

Maura had looked at her as though she died.  Jane did a catalogue of her emotions. The rage was still there and the pain still permeated all. _Yeah, where the hell do we go from here?_

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**

_I don’t want you coming around here no more._

_I beg you for mercy._

_You don’t know how strong my weakness is_

_Or how much it hurts me…_

Recognizing the song almost immediately, Peter reached out with a shaking hand and pushed the power button on the radio. If he was in a better space, he would have probably laughed at the irony. Humor was humor even if it was of the dark variety. He wiped a hand over tired, burning eyes. Peering out the car window, he soaked in the darkness until he was almost one with it.

 _Two days. Two fucking days._ It seemed like an eternity since he’d seen or heard from Maura. He knew she needed some space. Her eyes pleaded for it but not knowing what precipitated it was agony. Peter wanted to reach out. He wanted to call, but even though he was a man in love, he didn’t want to seem like the pathetic soul he really was.  _Is this me? Is this really me?_  Peter couldn’t remember ever being this person…this shell. _I said I was going to fight for her, but what about me? Who the hell is fighting or me?_

Peter stared down at his dashboard. He felt much like his parked car at the moment…turned off and stationary. In other words, he was stuck until Maura gave him the go ahead to move forward.  Through the dim lighting, he looked at his hands, gripping the steering wheel until his hands went numb. _Do I want to be that guy? That guy who stays too long and does too much?_   Peter sucked in a harsh breath.

No, he didn’t.

That guy scared him.

 _I could be that guy that lets go to see if she comes back to me._   A burning started in his chest and throat. _Or I could be that guy that hangs on during the rough patch and comes out walking with his head held high and everything he needs at his side._ Peter choked down the emotion clogging his throat. “That’s the guy I want to be.” With that in mind, he took solace in hoping that what he was about to do was the right thing. Even though, it could blow up in his face.  Peter inhaled deeply in a last ditch effort to prepare himself.

Solace.

It was pretty much all that was left at this point.

*

“Tell me what you want.”

“I’m done talking. I did enough of that to get you here.” Addison purred.  “Why don’t I just show you instead, hmm?”  She wound her hand through short blonde tresses and yanked, motioning the woman downward.

Addison moaned as hot, wet lips trailed over her stomach. It seemed like it had been forever, and she was a firm believer in casual sex.  It seemed like the right time to take advantage of that belief. She spread her legs wide in anticipation and hissed at first contact. Her hips arched upward, and then….and then….   Addison let out a frustrated breath. “I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t think that matters at this point. What are you doing?”

“Um, I—“

The blonde’s voice was muffled. Again Addison knotted her hands in the woman’s hair and yanked.  When she could see her eyes, she asked, “Pardon me?”

“I, uh, asked you to tell me. I wanted my first time to be with someone assertive, aggressive…”

Addison’s eyes narrowed. “Did you say first time? As in virgin… first time?”

“I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with guys before…”

Her eyes narrowed even more. “Where the fuck did you learn to kiss like that? I know it wasn’t from some man.”

“Uhm, I’ve kissed a lot of girls. I just haven’t—“ The blonde’s look was hopeful and at the same time wary.

“Jesus Christ dancing. I don’t have the energy for this.”

“Uh, does that mean---?”

Addison racked her brain searching for a name.  “Yep, Morgan, that’s exactly what it means.” Addison patted her on the cheek. “You have a nice life, okay?”

The blonde sighed but did as she was told. Addison watched her as she dressed and walked out the bedroom. _Damn shame that._   The hotel room phone began to ring. Without a second thought, she picked it up.

“Yes,” Addison said dully.

“Dr. Montgomery, you have a guest in the lobby.”

“Well, just tell her to come up. She knows the way.”

“The guest is of the male persuasion. I’m afraid.” The concierge added.

“What? Who is it?”

For a few seconds, the sound was muffled. “His name is Peter.”

Addison’s mouth fell open. _What the fuck?_  “Perfect. This night is turning out perfectly. Send him up.”

Addison jumped from the bed and grabbed a robe and it seemed like only a few seconds before there was a knock at the door. She yanked it open. The desolate look on his face gave her pause.

“Am I interrupting something?” Peter asked.

A brow rose. _You have been Pete… for a few months now._ Addison wanted to be mean, but she knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. “No, I’m alone unfortunately.”

“Can I…come in? I remembered you said you were staying here that night at dinner.”

“Why are you here, Peter?”

“I didn’t know where else to go. Please?”

Feeling sorry for him, Addison moved out of the doorway and allowed Peter entry.

“This is a really nice room.”

“What do you expect? It’s the Ritz.”  Addison watched as he walked around the sitting area. _Here goes._ “If you’re here for advice to win Maura back, you’ve come to the wrong place.”

Peter snapped to attention. “I  haven’t--.”

Addison caught his gaze and let it stand for a few seconds. He was the first to look away.

“Do… do I have a chance, you think? When it comes down to it would she pick me?”

“If it were me, I would say no, but it’s Maura. She’s running scared right now.”

Peter released a shaky breath.

Suddenly, a light bulb went on above Addison’s head. “You came here to hear the truth didn’t you? You want to know if all this….that you’re doing is even worth the fight?”

Peter sank down onto the couch. “There’s three options here. I don’t want to take part in the first two. They’re shitty…really shitty. I want to be that guy who wins in the end.”

“I don’t know. The last time I talked to Maura it was the beginning of the week, and I ripped her another asshole for what she did to Jane. I don’t know what she’s thinking at this point. For a genius, she’s….well let’s just say you seem like a smart man.”

“W-what did she do?” Peter asked. “That was the last time I saw her.”

His face seemed to grow even paler.   _Ah, Maura._ “That’s something you’ll have to talk to her about.” Addison held up a hand. “I’m not going there.”

“But she kicked me out. I haven’t talked to her since then!”

 _Really? Well maybe having a new asshole woke her up a little._ Outwardly _,_ Addison remained quiet.

“So what am I supposed to do?” Peter asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know you, Peter. I guess you have some things to figure out. You say that you want to be that guy who walks away with a win, but what are you winning?  You deserve better than this. She’s not the type just to go around hurting people for the fuck of it, but maybe you need to ask yourself why she didn’t just pick you? It should have been easy if---“

“Jane wasn’t in the picture.”

“If her feelings for Jane weren’t in the picture, you mean.” Addison corrected softly. “Maybe it’s time to have that conversation…for real.”

Peter swallowed so loudly that it seemed to echo through the room. “Yeah…”

“Yeah.” Addison nodded.

Peter rose from the false comfort of the couch.  “Thank you for this, but I’m gonna go. Somehow I knew you’d tell me like it is.” He paused. “Can this just be between us? I think we’re all in enough shit, yes?”

“I agree. Good night, Peter.” Addison watched him go. She didn’t offer him a smile. There was really nothing to smile about.

Addison sat down in the spot that Peter vacated. She peered at the fancy digital clock on the end table. It was early yet. “What a night.” She whispered. “You have a really big mess to clean up, Maura.”

*

Less than a half hour later, Peter sat on his own couch and peered at the unopened bottle of whiskey. Without any more hesitation, he opened it and sloshed a good amount into a large tumbler.  He stared at the murkiness in the glass and equated it to his own life.  He had wanted the truth, and now he had it. All there was now was facing it.

Bringing the drink to his lips, he suddenly stopped and screamed into the emptiness of the living area. “Fuck!”  The tumbler flew across the room crashing into the nearest wall.  Peter picked up bottle and chugged it. He choked as much as he could down, letting it burn his insides. It brought tears to his eyes.

Gasping, he sat the bottle back down with a thud. “She’s right. Fuck it all. She was right.” Peter hung his head. There were a lot of decisions to be made in the next few hours, and he knew all of them were going to be life changing.

*

Jane rubbed at burning eyes. Forty eight hours of no sleep was a blessing and curse in her case. A grisly murder that they caught on Tuesday late had been a happy coincidence from her stand point. The last couple of days had been spent walking the streets, leading interrogations and combing over evidence.  She barely had time to think about the muck that was her personal life let alone wallow.

Frost had been the one to go over the findings at the crime scene with Maura while she stood in angry silence a few feet away. He had also been the one to take the elevator ride down to the morgue and ask the million questions Jane needed answered. Ignoring didn’t take the pain away, but right now, Jane knew it was her only option.

She peered over at the person in question as he studied the computer images on the projection screen. If he wasn’t such a top notch detective himself her job would more than likely be a step away from suffering.  Jane’s anger still burned. Her resentment sizzled. _It’s so much fucking easier finding this asshole than dealing with all the other shit around me._

Her desk began to ring.  “Rizzoli.”

“I had a virgin last night.”

Jane took the receiver away from her ear and peered at it. “What?!”

“Well, I didn’t have her. I just wasn’t in the mood to be teacher. That’s hard to do for someone after  being with someone like you.”

Somehow through it all, Jane flushed at the compliment. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I just wanted to make you feel good before you started giving me attitude. After all, isn’t that what friends are for?”

“If you start singing, I’m hanging up.”  Jane groused.

Addison chuckled. “You don’t have to worry about that. I can’t hold a tune to save my life.” She paused. “So, I know what I’m about to say next is going to upset you, but when has that ever stopped me?  How are you?”

Jane sighed. She was too tired to be a bitch at this moment. “I’m alive, breathing and working my ass off. Same as I was yesterday.”

“Have you beaten up anybody else?” Addison asked sweetly.

“I never should have told you. You can be a real asshole. You know that?”  Jane felt herself flush with embarrassment.

“Ditto. I think that’s why we make such good friends.”

“Addison,” Jane said irritably. “I’m not in the mood.”

“I don’t expect you to be.”

“Then, why---?”

“Because I care, Jane.  Why else?”

Jane sighed again. “I’m not going to fly apart and go on some rampage.”

They both went silent.

“Okay, that was a lie, but until this case is over. I’m okay. The world will probably fall around my ears at that point.” Jane stated honestly. “I know what’s coming, but I guess at this point it’s inevitable. All this shit I’m feeling inside…is my new friend too.”

“Mmm, can I say something? You’re gonna be pissed.”

“When has that stopped you?”

“True.” Addison paused. “I don’t think you should give up.”

Jane gripped the receiver so hard that her hand started to ache. “What the fuck did you say?”

“You heard me. Dust yourself off and keep going. I have a feeling about this.”

An abrupt hollowness invaded Jane. It left her more tired and shaken. “It’s hard enough for me to function and even harder to admit that to myself let along another human being.” She husked.  “I can’t. I just don’t think I have it in me.”  Jane didn’t wait for Addison’s rebuttal. “I’m hanging up now, Addison.” Silently, Jane did just that.

“Yes! Damn it!”  Frost nearly screamed. “We caught a break. I know who did this.” He peered at her with wide eyes.

The cop in her shared his sudden enthusiasm, but the woman felt her stomach drop and slither into unpleasant knots.  A cold unpleasant chill inched down her spine and something inside her began to shake.  She was a step away from really having to deal with the devastation around her. _Oh shit. I’m not ready._

The feel of a hand on her shoulder and Korsak’s words of praise barely registered. Jane peered up at him in desperation and hoped that none of it showed.

“Rizzoli? You okay?”

 _Fuck!_   Jane shook her head and bolted from her chair toward the bathroom. She barely made it to the toilet before the donuts and coffee found their way up. After long minutes of dry heaving, Jane leaned against the side of the stall. Her head was pounding and she was trembling. On wobbly legs, she stumbled toward the sink to rinse her mouth out and splash its coolness on her face. When she felt human again, Jane peered into the mirror.

What she saw there didn’t even make her flinch. Unfortunately, the desolate look was something she had gotten used to. _Fuck you Maura for doing this to me and fuck me for letting it happen._

 **

Maura closed her eyes briefly as she sunk into the leather chair behind her desk. While homicide detectives worked over time on this murder, she had the luxury of going home. She had the luxury of sleep, but she denied herself the privilege. Maura had no right to indulge in anything, even pity.  She sighed and reached up to rub the bridge of her nose in hopes of making the headache that beat behind her eyes manageable.

It was fruitless.

After a few minutes, she looked down at her hands as they sat benignly in her lap.  They were trembling and Maura figured that this was the kind of thing that happened when one’s life was in utter chaos. She felt adrift and floating in a foreign space, bumbling and bumping into other planets that knew their purpose and were fulfilling it.  All the while, she was leaking oxygen and had no idea how to staunch the flow and survive in the vacuum.

Drifting back into reality, Maura repeated a question she had asked herself a million times in the past few days. _What kind of person am I?_   She swallowed hard as bile rose to her throat. _None of this has been worth it. Not the running…the hiding. Everyone is miserable. I am miserable. I’ve lost everything._ The memory of Jane’s expression, her words, and her cold shoulder caused her to shudder. _I deserve every second of it._

Jane was right.

She was a coward and now she knew firsthand how that mentality could bring devastation to everyone around her. It had all exploded in her face in spectacular fashion. Her thoughts turned to Peter. Nausea churned deep in her stomach, but she knew unintentional devastation was still…devastation.  She had been poised to take from him something that any individual held dear, his dignity. To make matters even worse, she was prepared to take his heart while keeping her own from harm. _That’s the kind of person I could have been. I don’t want to be her._   Now, she had to tell him and destroy him even more. _I can’t continue to procrastinate._ Maura knew it was probably the kindest thing she could do for him.

She focused on other epiphanies realized in the still of night surrounded by stainless steel and death.  Maura recalled once more how her heart seized under Jane’s words, her glare, and came to the conclusion that it had been exposed and vulnerable the whole time. It only took it being nearly ripped from its cavity for her to realize it. It was a discovery that still left her reeling and as breathless as the first time.

A soft knock derailed her train of thought. A surprised breath escaped her as Peter stood at her door as if her brain waves had beckoned him.  He entered without permission.

“I spent all night deciding if this was a good idea, and you know what? I’m all out of ideas, and now I just need some answers.” His tone was soft but demanding. He looked sallow, pale and days worth of stubble covered his face. Still, brown eyes seemed alive and pulsing with emotion.

Immediately, Maura wanted him to leave. There should be a limit to how much a person could face in the span of days, but she knew it was selfish. “Peter, I—“ 

“After another night of no sleep, you want to know what I figured out?” He interrupted. “I deserve better than this. No, I need better than this.”  His gaze was piercing and serious.

Maura was in total agreement there. “Yes, you do.”  She tried to hold his eyes but found that she could not.

“Good, I’m glad we can agree on this.” Peter nodded vehemently and sank into the chair in front of Maura’s desk.

Maura blinked as she recalled Jane doing the exact same thing a few days prior.  _She was finally herself again and I destroyed that._

“Something happened didn’t it? The other day I mean.”

Maura nodded and swallowed trying to clear the dryness from her throat. It wasn’t working.

“Don’t you think I deserve to know?”

Licking her lips, Maura tried to beat down the dread that clawed at her.  A part of her didn’t want another soul aware of what she was capable of. “I-“  She started and cleared her throat of the thickness clogging it. “I had plans with …Jane that day you came to see me.”  Again, Maura tried to meet his eyes, but it was near impossible to do so.

Peter’s forehead crumpled in confusion. “Okay?”

“I…I had plans with her for lunch, but I went with you instead.” Maura added in a rush, hoping the searing pain across her chest would not come.  She was disappointed.

“So are you saying you had a date with Jane? How can you do that---“

“No! It wasn’t a date. It was just lunch with a friend. Despite everything, I’m still engaged to you.”

“That didn’t stop you from kissing her.”

Maura had no answer for that because it was true. “I know, but I believe you’re missing the point. I stood Jane up to be with you.  I ran Peter. I ran, and it hurt her terribly. I’ve never seen her like this.” _I didn’t know she could hurt **me** like that._

She could feel his eyes boring into the top of her head. “So you used me?”

“Yes, in a way. I suppose I did.”  Maura said softly. “I’m in no way proud of it.”

“Have you been using me all along?” Peter asked in a whisper. His face contorted.

Of the decisions she came to there were still a myriad of things to contemplate. “I-I don’t know. That’s a question I can’t answer right now.”

“You…don’t know?” His voice broke. “So I could be some fucked up substitute like Addison suggested?”

“No, Peter. I care about you. What I feel for you is separate from all of this.”  Maura answered sadly. Finally, she was able to hold his gaze.

“Do you love me?” His expression was pleading and wary.

“I—“ Maura opened her mouth to speak.

“Do you love me?!” Peter asked again loudly, interrupting.

Maura flinched and shook her head. Her heart hammered against her chest in anguish as the seconds ticked by.

“Do you love her?” His tone was pained.

“I don’t know what I feel, but I know that I want to stop hurting you.”

“So what were you going to do? Ignore me until I went away?”

“I had plans to contact you…see you …”  Maura’s insides contracted. His anguish was clear.

“When was that going to be? Next week? Next month? How about on our wedding day?”

Maura knew she deserved his ire just as much as she deserved Jane’s.

“You didn’t answer my question. Do you love her?”

“I don’t know!” Maura sobbed as she stood. She hugged herself and began pacing.

“Then,” Peter’s lips quivered as he spoke. “You have to figure that out. You can’t keep running. It’s not fair…to anyone.”

Maura’s heart dropped to her stomach.  This was it. He was about to disappear from her life. “Peter! I—

“I- I have to get out don’t I? While there’s still something left of my heart to break.”  Peter’s eyes were wide and wet with tears.  He wiped at them angrily. “Maybe…maybe I should have done this earlier. Maybe I would have seen that it was already too late. I’m that guy…”

“You’re a wonderful man and I am so sorry---“ Maura refused to fight her own tears as they came.

Peter scoffed. “That’s not what I was talking about.”  He stood jerkily. “Just ship the ring and the other things I left to my office when you get the chance.”

Maura ran to him, needing to touch him.

He shrank from her touch. “No, please. If I mean anything to you just don’t.”  

Then, he was gone.

Maura stood in the middle of her office and let the tears fall unchecked. She had broken another heart, but in the process, something had changed. She had changed.  With her own pain, Maura acknowledged her hand in the chaos. She had a choice now to perpetuate it or put everything she was into forging something substantial, something new.

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**

2:03am.

The red numbers on her dashboard seemed to glare at her in mocking fashion, but Maura needed no reminder of her sleepless nights. She knew the blame rested solely on her shoulders. The city shined through her windows alive and well. It was a sure sign that life had continued merrily. She almost smiled at the irony as she literally passed it by only to see it continue to encroach again and again.

A bone deep weariness settled into her being, but Maura ignored knowing it would offer her no peace. It was a false hope of sleep only to have memories flood her and what could have been taunt her. A few hours here and there were all she could glean, but Maura was no fool…not in this. Without sleep, her work would suffer. A minute mistake and a killer could walk free. It was the last thing she wanted. It was one of the many reasons she drove with such purpose at such a loathsome hour in the morning. 

One of the other reasons had become a refrain.   _I have to fix this._   Knowledge weighed heavily on her shoulders, reminding her that it may be too little too late. Maura carried the burden but there was no honor in it. She swallowed down the ball of emotion clogging her throat. _If I could just get her to look at me again._

Maura’s mind reeled with memories of Jane’s laughter, her smile, and her touch, causing a shiver to work its way down her spine. It was almost as if she were remembering the dead, but wasn’t it tantamount to that? The Jane she knew was gone, but Maura did not want to mourn the death.

She was planning a resurrection.

Maura merged onto the exit that led her downtown. She had lofty goals and no idea how to achieve them. All of them centered around Jane. This night had seemingly been no different as Maura sat in a home that had become barren with a stark loneliness that permeated her every pore. Honesty bled through once more and she found that Jane was the one thing she missed the most. It was a conclusion reached without the help of alcohol but aided by something deep within.

Peter had been set free.

Jane was the one loss that left a terrible, gaping hole that seemed to radiate pain. As Maura curled around the agony and let the tears fall, she knew this ache was in no way comparable to the fear that led her here. This ache usurped it all.

Tears burned her eyes, and Maura wiped at them angrily. Jane had been right. _I don’t deserve the release of tears._   Still, they refused to listen and came anyway, but there was no one to see. Simply put there was no one period.

Maura gasped. It was the truth _,_ but she had no other choice than to reach out to an old friend, a former lover who had served as the catalyst to this all. _Will she even help me?_  Recalling, Addison’s parting words, desperation arced through Maura, leaving her trembling in its wake. “She has to.”

As she pulled into The Ritz’s parking lot, Maura caught a glimpse of herself in the rearview mirror. Sans make up, she was pale. Heavy dark circles looked like permanent smudges. Bloodless lips trembled. Her hair was a wild mess that she lacked the ability to tame at the moment even with a hair tie.  She was a broken mess.

Glancing down at her attire, Maura choked back a sob as she peered down at the ratty Red Sox t-shirt Jane had left ages ago. She barely remembered pulling it on but just wanted to be closer to the one thing that was a continent away. _Is this what she felt…feels? Pathetic and helpless? No wonder she wants to hate me._  

Maura’s mind took a moment to wrap itself around that concept. Hate-- _to dislike intensely and passionately._ Passionately. It wasn’t the absence of feeling. It was far from it. It was a small hope, but one Maura had to cling to. Pushing the car door open, Maura stepped out into the balmy night.

*

Maura heard a growl as Addison opened the door. The woman in question pushed flaming red locks from her face and scowled as she tied the brief silk robe tight around her. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

Maura blinked and whispered, “Yes.”

Addison eyelids flicked rapidly as if trying to focus her vision, and Maura knew the second that she had. A gasp emerged. “Maura? Are you okay?”

Maura released a sound somewhere in between a laugh and a sob. “No. It’s seems I haven’t been for a long time.”

After a long breath, Addison nodded. “True.”

The door remained a barrier between them.  “I know that I have no right. I find myself in need of a friend right now, and I’ve literally exhausted my one possibility.” 

Addison let out a bark of laughter. “I’m your last resort, huh?”  She pushed the door open. “Come in then. Mind you, I’ve been trying to be your friend the whole time.”

Maura took a step forward but as an afterthought, she asked. “I’m not interrupting anything am I?”  _Am I selfish even in this?_

“My God, I’m not that big of a whore.” Addison paused. “She left about an hour ago.”  Her mouth turned upward slightly.

Maura returned the gesture.

Another beat. “It wasn’t Jane either if that’s what you’re thinking.” Addison added softly.

Feeling ashamed, Maura looked down at her feet then up again. “I deserved that, but I know.”

Addison nodded once more and led Maura toward the couch. “You need anything? Coffee?”

“No, I’m awake enough without the help of caffeine.”  Maura sat primly on the sofa.

Silence lapsed between them.  Maura peered into Addison’s expectant gaze.  “I-I’ve made a mess of things, Addison, and I want to fix it.”  Her voice was thick with regret. “You should have seen the way she looked at me…the things she said…I never thought it would be that way between us.”

“But it is.” Addison reached out, wrapping Maura’s hand into her own. “And you look like utter shit so I think you finally understand the situation.”

Maura pushed on.  There was no need to acknowledge what was so painfully clear. “Peter’s gone. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t do it to Jane or myself.”  Maura looked away feeling lost. The squeeze of her hand brought her back.

“That’s one of the smartest things you’ve ever done, but I’ve never been one to sugar coat things. It might be too late.” Addison added bluntly.

“I know, and I don’t know what to do.”

An auburn brow rose. “And I’m the one you’ve come to for advice? You have seen my track record right?”

“I have, but you’ve gotten to know her.”

“Somewhat, but I don’t know her as well as you do. How to you feel about her Maura?” Addison asked.

“I-I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. Right now, I’ve never felt so lost…so empty. She won’t talk to me. She won’t even…look at me.” Maura sucked in a shaky breath. Still, she continued.  “You scared me Addison. I had no idea what to do with all the intensity and the need so I ran. Jane.”  Maura paused, swallowing and preparing herself to make the admission. “Jane terrifies me. I can’t breathe when she’s around. I can’t think. I’m not myself but it seems I’m the same way without her. How is that possible?”

“When did you notice—“ Addison started.

“I don’t know. If I’m completely honest with myself, it started to a lesser degree long ago.”

“It’s about time. Don’t you think to be completely honest with yourself?”

“Yes, I have to agree. Too much has happened for me not to be. I’m just sorry it took this long and so many people were hurt.”  Maura’s grip on Addison’s hand tightened. “So what do I do?”

“I’m not some oracle, Maura. I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you this much. Jane loves you, but she doesn’t trust you for shit. My guess is that’s where you have to start. She’s also one of the most stubborn bull headed people I’ve ever met, so you’ll have your work cut out for you. I hope you’re not above begging.”

“I’m not. I’ve learned that I’m not above anything.” _I’m capable of some horrid things.  There has to be a comparable dichotomy._

Addison’s expression turned quizzical  as she peered at Maura for several silent seconds. She reached out fingering the shirt. “Is that hers?”

Blood rushed to Maura’s face self-consciously. “Yes, I-“

Addison clucked her tongue. “Oh sweetie, you have it just as bad as she does.”

Puzzled, Maura asked, “Pardon?”

Tapping on Maura’s temple. “There’s somebody home in there. Otherwise, you’d still be engaged to Peter. I know I don’t feel that way about my friends…they few that I have anyway.”

Maura searched through her confusion. “I’m not sure—?“

“How did it feel when she kissed you?”

Maura couldn’t help herself. She gasped as an electric tendril shimmered over her skin. “I-“

“No need to answer. It’s written all over your face. I’m your friend. Do I make you feel that way now?”

Maura shook her head. “Well, no…”  A dim light began to form.

“Good because it’s not normal to want to fuck your friends, Maura.” Addison grinned crookedly.

The light exploded with illumination. “Are you saying…is this what it feels--? I don’t know the first thing…”  Maura babbled.

“Uh huh. The great Maura Isles is human after all and very much in love.  I wouldn’t worry about not knowing what to do. If you can convince Jane you’re on the up and up this time, I don’t think you’ll have a problem figuring it all out. She’s a take the bull by the balls kinda girl. She could probably teach us both about taking a bite out of life and all that.”

Everything dimmed around Maura and for a second and she found that she couldn’t breathe. Revelation rushed over her and through her like a barreling truck, filling her with wonder.  _This is why I wanted to escape. This is why there was Peter. This is why I tried to push her away, and this is why she terrifies me._ A single word escaped, “Oh.”  It wasn’t much on the surface, but within were the answers to everything.

“Yep.” Addison smiled winningly.

Laughter escaped. “Well, why didn’t you explain this to me at the beginning?!”  The weight on her shoulders lightened minutely.

Addison rolled her eyes. “Because you and Jane have something in common besides wanting to tear each other’s clothes off, you’re both stubborn …incredibly so.”

“Well, I guess that’s an accurate depiction.”

“Damn straight it is. Promise me something for your sake and Jane’s?” Addison asked.

“Yes?”

“No more running. No matter how hard it gets, and it’s going to be hard.”

Maura sucked in a deep breath, realizing that the burden was still there just in another form. “I-I’ll try, but I don’t have much of a choice do I?”

“You don’t. Damned if you do and double damned if you don’t. Are you ready?”

“No…yes…possibly?” Maura’s tone wavered.

Addison chuckled.  “I say that you use tonight as a litmus test or sorts.”

“What are you—“

“That charity thing at City Hall? I’m tagging along.”

“Oh, I’d forgotten. You don’t think it’s too soon? Maybe I should give it the weekend at least?”  Maura’s tone had a desperate, uncertain edge to it.

“No, no. You need to strike while the iron is hot, and I do mean hot. You’ve seen her in her dress uniform right? I can only imagine. My God, if you don’t want her—“

Maura’s eyes narrowed as she squeezed Addison’s hand hard, pulling the red head toward her. “I get the point.”

Addison smirked. “I like this new possessive jealous thing you have going. It’s sexy as hell. I guess we’ll see you there.”

**

Addison stared at the closed door for several seconds. It had been the last things she was expecting, but it was a welcome surprise. Maura had grown some balls. It was yet to be determined how big they were going to be. Addison knew they were going to have to be gigantic to sway Jane. _Good luck, Maura. She’s not in a good place._

She peered at the door again. Her visitors over the past few days had been very strange. To make matters even more interesting both of them had come to confess in their own way and seek some sort of absolution.  Addison snorted. When had she become Addison Montgomery keeper of secrets and love guru? Rising from the couch, she shook her head and muttered, “I guess I set myself up for that one.”

**

Jane groaned as she rose from the cot. It squeaked in protest as the ancient springs righted themselves. She stretched and moaned as battered vertebra snapped back into place. The oblivion of sleep had barely kissed her this night, but still Jane laid there staring up at the scarred ceiling, seeing nothing in the darkness.

After flipping on the light, she peered down at her watch. It was still early. It was early enough for her to wash up and change so no one would be the wiser. Jane could imagine the lecture she would get from Vince and the looks from Frost, and she wanted none of it. Her plate was grossly full and there was damn sure no room for anything else.

Jane had been right.

She was in no way prepared for this level of anguish. There had been periods of time where she had to remain completely still in fear of breaking into a million pieces. There had been times that she knew that if the tears started they would not stop, and somewhere sandwiched in between, there had been times where she faced what lay ahead with grim acceptance and stoicism. Jane’s hope was that those times would grow and last longer than a few measly minutes. _But it is what it is and I don’t have a choice._

Jane could have gone home to a warm bed and familiar surroundings, but at the moment, all it housed were memories. Memories that she was in no way prepared for as she lay in her bed, loafed on her couch or walked through her kitchen. Jane had to deal with the near debilitating pain first. There had to be some way to dull the sharpness before she stepped from the frying pan into an even hotter fire. Until Jane figured it out even minutely, one of the cots in the precinct was going to have her name on it.

Jane pushed her hand through what she knew was insanely mussed hair and sighed. She had alternatives. Addison would have been more than welcoming. Her mother would have accepted her with open arms, but Jane had dismissed them both. Even though, her mother had been gracious enough to take Jo with no questions asked.  At the moment, no one knew of her self-imposed exile, and Jane was going to try her best to keep it that way. She was tired of asking for help. Words and hugs could only go so far. _I have to get through this just like everything else._

She rubbed a hand over her face and tried not to think anymore, but even her mind no longer belonged to her as snapshots of Maura filtered in. The images were so real that Jane wanted to reach out and touch them--- Maura laughing, smiling, and wearing an expression of faux exasperation. As if on remote, she paused over the last image. It was the one of Maura crying and begging. Something fluttered in Jane’s chest, and she wondered in perverse fascination how they had fallen so far.

Pain and rage ripped through her, robbing her of breath and leaving her shaking like some wounded thing.  Jane leaned against the cold concrete wall and willed it to pass. _This must be what hell is like._ It seemed like an eternity had passed before she could function again. Jane knew she had to take advantage of these moments to project some sense of normalcy. With that in mind, she began to move with purpose.

*

Jane peered up as a large cup of coffee appeared on her desk. Frost flashed her a muted smile.

“Am I fucking off this morning?” He asked.

Jane bit the inside of her cheek. Part of her was ashamed but the other part saw the humor in it. “No. Not if that coffee is as strong as it looks.”

“I gotta ask. I want to be prepared for whatever you throw at me.” Frost sat on the edge of her desk. His grinned widened.

Jane sighed in exasperation. “You are one of the most irritating people I’ve ever met, and I mean that in the most sincere way possible.”  _I_ _can’t help but love him for trying to be there for me._

“I wish I could quit you too,” Frost simpered. The look on his face was equally as priceless.

A burst of laughter flew from Jane’s mouth. She looked at her partner in surprise. She had been sure there had been no room for laughter in the jumbled up mess she had become.

Frost chuckled in triumph and held up his hand when Jane opened her mouth to speak. “Uh uh, no taking it back. I heard it.”  He paused for a moment. “So can you still fit into your dress uniform?”

Jane wanted to kiss him for the strategic change in subject. “Oh yeah, haven’t gained more than a pound or two since joining the force.”

“You disgust me, but I have to say. I think I’m all muscle.”

“I think it’s just your head that’s gotten bigger.”  Jane deadpanned. She gleaned onto the familiarity between them in hopes it would bolster her for the remainder of the day.

“Mmm, could be.” Frost just thankfully pushed right along. “You bringing Addison?”

“Yeah.”

A sudden silence stretched between them.

Jane glanced up at her partner to see a faraway look in his eyes. “Frost?”

There was nothing.

“Frost!”  Jane smacked his arm.

“Huh?” He licked his lips and wiped his chin. “Sorry, I was just having dirty thoughts.”

Jane sighed. “I’m not even going to ask.”

“No need. You’ve seen every glorious inch already.”

“I’m going to tell her you said that. She’d chew you up and spit you out, you know?”  Jane said affectionately.

“Oh God, I know.” Frost growled.

“Get away from my desk. You’re grossing me out.”

“Fine. I’m going.”

When she was alone again in a sea of detectives, Jane picked up the coffee cup only to see her hand trembling. She sat it down quickly. _I will not fucking fall apart._ _Not here_. The moment passed. Jane reached for the cup again.

A few minutes later, Jane’s phone rang. She stared at it for a few seconds, knowing who it was. It had become a strange routine of sorts as if they were secretly coordinating. First Addison would check in with her and then her mother.

Jane snatched up the receiver. “Yeah?”

“You know, if I had your voice to go with everything else, I’d be irresistible?”

Rolling her eyes, Jane remained silent.

“First, don’t roll your eyes at me. Secondly, you don’t think so?”

“Good morning, Addison.”

“I know we’re not fucking anymore, but would it cheer you up to know that I’m naked?”

Jane sighed. “No, but Frost would be on top of the world.”

“Huh, he’s the black guy not the old guy right?”

“That would be him,” Jane answered tiredly.

“He’s cute. Love those eyes and that smile. If I were straight, I’d try really hard to break him in two.”

Jane’s lips twitched, and she couldn’t hide the mirth in her voice. “It will be his fantasy fulfilled.”

“You can smile you know? Laugh too. It’s my mission in life right now to make sure you do.”

“I know, and don’t think I don’t appreciate it. It’s just hard enough right now to put one foot in front of the other.” Jane paused, surprising herself with the admission. “Look, I don’t want to lay anything else on you—“

“God, I wish you would for old times’ sake. The pickings around here are very slim.”

Before Jane could even repeat the sentence in her head, she was smiling. _Nothing like someone thinking you’re hot shit…_ “Addison…”  She drew the name out as if exasperated.  _Her and Frost could be peas in a pod._

“Jane.” Addison gave as good as she got. “You know you liked it.”

“I did,” Jane admitted. “Still feel like petrified shit though.”

“Well, for a few seconds you didn’t that’s a start.”

A giant knot began to form in Jane’s throat. She needed to change the subject. “Will you get my uniform from my place for me?  I-I didn’t want to just stuff it in my locker.”

“Not a problem. I’ll bring it back to the hotel with me. You can just come here to get all dolled up. I want pictures for posterity while you’re all fresh.”

Jane stated her acquiescence and hung up the phone.

*

Barely ten minutes after and just like clock-work, Angela Rizzoli had her turn. Before Jane brought the receiver to her ear, her mother was talking. 

“I know you’re not okay so don’t even try it with me.”

“Okay.” Jane said irritably. “Can I hang up now then?”

“No! I just wanted to make sure you were—“

“Okay?” Jane interrupted.

“Well…yes.” Angela answered contritely.

“I’m not, but I’m here. Okay?”

“Okay,” Angela answered softly.

*

Jane leaned against the elevator railing as it travelled upward. The day had been a veritable hodge podge. Some parts flew by while others crept along at a snail’s pace. These were the times when she felt her veneer cracking. Either way, Jane was ready for it to be over. Her plan was to smile, shake hands, kiss ass, and get out of the function as soon as humanly possible. Any environment was preferable than the one she was about to enter.

The elevator dinged and Jane exited, shuffling past the couple closer to the front. A few seconds later, she was knocking on Addison’s door.   Addison smiled and twirled in an effort to fish for compliments. Jane smiled half-heartedly. “Frost is going to shit a brick.”

“I’m glad somebody will. I don’t usually get this dressed up to go home alone.”  Addison waved her toward the bedroom. “Come on. Let’s get you situated. It’s probably not a good idea for you to be late.”

Jane followed her dutifully. All the while wishing that tomorrow had already come.

**

With a critical eye, Maura peered at her reflection in the full length mirror. She wanted to see utter perfection because inside she was a tangled mass of nerves. She moved a single lock of hair back over her shoulder, noticing the tremble in her hand immediately.

 _My IQ is well over 140. I know every muscle, bone and organ in the human body. I can speak effortlessly on a myriad of subjects._ She brought sweaty palms together demanding their stillness. _I know nothing of this, nothing of love._ Maura swallowed down the sudden surge of fear---fear of rejection, fear of acceptance, and fear of being completely overwhelmed. Despite it all, Maura knew it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do.  _I have to try._

Maura let her hands fall to her sides, looking once more into the mirror. The green strapless dress  accentuated every curve and shimmered as she moved. In a strange dichotomy, she felt strong, fragile, vulnerable and exposed. Her eyes glittered richly back at her as determination and a host of other emotions churned within.

She was the picture of perfection, the epitome, and it was time to live.

**

“So there’s nothing I can do to change your mind?” Frost asked.

Addison laughed as she draped an arm over his shoulder. “Grow a vagina?”

Jane rolled her eyes as Frost chuckled in response. It was warm and familiar here between them and Jane soaked it all in, knowing that the night would be just as cold as the one before.

“With those eyes and smile, I bet you would look good in drag.” Addison added with a raised brow.

There was total silence.

Jane peered at her partner and canted her head to the side in a moment of true enjoyment. His mouth opened and closed like a floundering fish.

Korsak chose that moment to join their group and Frost found his voice.  “Only if Korsak does it first.”

Addison looked to Jane for help. Her only response was to shrug.  With narrowed eyes, Jane saw the promise of retribution.

“Ah, no. That’s okay.”  Addison muttered before sipping at her drink.

“What’s going on?” Korsak asked.

“What you don’t think he’d be pretty?” Frost continued.

Addison’s smile was wide as she shot Frost the finger.

“Anybody gonna tell me what’s going on here?” Korsak’s tone was irritated.

“Philosophical discussion, Korsak.” Jane volunteered.

Korsak peered at them all skeptically. “Uh huh. So, I was thinking when all the big wigs finally get here we can knock all the hob nobbing off as a group then go get shit faced. What do you think?”

“I think I like you.” Addison chimed in.

“Sounds good to me.” Frost answered.

They all turned to look at Jane. It felt good to be with friends…with people who cared. Jane realized she wanted to hold on to that feeling for a little while longer. “Sure.”

They smiled in her direction.

“But not if you’re going to stand there grinning like mannequins.”

They chuckled in response.

*

Long minutes later, Jane had smiled so much that her lips hurt. She wiped her hand on her slacks and tried to keep track of the conversation going on around her.

“I don’t understand how a person could be that rich and smell like that.” Frost added.

“I know. Is Binaca still around?” Addison asked.

The three of them including Korsak broke into giggles.

Jane decided that she couldn’t take them anywhere. A gasp made Jane peer at Addison.

“Ho-ly shit.” Korsak muttered.

“What?” Jane asked in confusion. She turned to see what they were looking at. Time stilled as Maura entered, and she was breathtaking.

Jane heard the roar of blood in her ears as her heart spasmed  in an attempt to contain the wave of emotion assailing her. Her face felt hot and white spots began to appear before her eyes before she remembered to breathe.   She blinked once and realized with intense trepidation that Maura was closer.

Her first instinct was to run, and Jane turned to do just that until a hand on her forearm stopped her. Jane whipped around to see the culprit. Addison looked back at her with a sad smile. “Don’t Jane.”  Verdant eyes implored her.

Then, Jane realized that if she ran now she would always be running. There was no escape from this. She nodded her head and steeled herself to take the bombardment of pain and anger until she couldn’t anymore. _Just hold it together just a little while longer._

Bubbling just under the surface, Jane watched as Maura smiled demurely at Korsak and Frost as the compliments fell from their lips. Addison smirked and raised her glass in Maura’s direction. _There’s something not right there._

And then, Maura was front and center. Jane’s insides trembled at the scent of her perfume, and for a moment everything around them disappeared as their eyes met. Jane saw regret. She saw determination. She saw need. The cold chill of awareness wriggled down Jane’s spine and raced over her skin. _Damn her._  But, she also saw fear. It was enough to break the spell and bring the world back again. Jane was the first to look away.

“Jane.” Her name was whispered breathlessly, reverently.

Jane’s heart lurched to her throat and she tried to swallow down the acid taste of anger. _She has no right to say my name that way._   “Maura,” Jane returned tightly.

Maura reached out and ran a fingertip over the lapel of her jacket.  Jane flinched as if she had been slapped. Breath stilted in her chest, and Jane took a hurried step backward, needing to breathe.

Refusing to shy away, with the same finger, Maura traced the brim of her hat. _What. The. Fuck._ Overwhelmed by anger, need and the heat radiating from Maura’s body, Jane captured her wrist. They peered at each other once more. “Don’t play with me.” Jane growled.

“I’m not. Please, let’s not make a scene. I don’t think either one of us wants that.”

“Then go fucking bother someone else!”  Jane whispered harshly.

Something flickered in Maura’s eyes, and her lips trembled. “I’m where I want to be.”

Jane wanted to laugh at the incredulity of the statement. She peered to the side to see if her friends were hearing this line of shit only to find that they had disappeared. They took with them the warmth and protection.  Completely overwhelmed by all she was feeling, Jane hissed, “Fine! Then, I’ll leave.”

As discreetly as she could, Jane moved toward a large throng of people. Shaken but resolved, she smiled and continued to kiss ass. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as a familiar smell wafted toward her nose. Then, a hand inched its way from her shoulders down to her spine followed by the dull scratch of Maura’s nails as she gathered the material there in her fist, holding it hostage.  Arousal slammed into her like an unrelenting wave and Jane wondered if she could die from the impact. _Fuck!_

Jane dropped the hand she was shaking. “Uh, excuse me. I-I need some air.”  Pulling herself from Maura’s grasp, Jane rushed to the nearest exit. _I just need to breathe!_ She screamed at herself. Frantically, she looked down the empty hallway and hoped that at least once office was unlocked and free.

Within a couple of minutes, she found one. Jane pushed the door open hard enough to make the it rattle. Moving inside, she removed her hat; tugged the first few buttons of her shirt loose; and sucked wind as if she had been deprived it for a dangerous amount of time. _God dammit! What the fuck does she think she’s doing?!_

The door closed behind her. Jane whirled around to find Maura walking toward her.  Her hackles rose even higher. She lashed out accordingly. “What is this? Fuck with Jane night?”  She sneered and suddenly realized that Maura was missing something. “Where’s my twin?”

Maura paused but didn’t halt her advance until they were face to face. “I deserve that, but he won’t be coming. By mutual agreement, we ended the engagement.”

“So,” Jane laughed unkindly. “You think I’m going to just fall at your feet?” Inside, Jane sputtered in surprise, but she knew that she hid it well.

Maura’s eyes seemed to glow from within, full of promise. “No, that would be easy, Jane, and that's something you’re not.”

“Bout time you got something fucking straight.” 

“I agree.”

“Whatever. I meant what I said, Maura. We have nothing to discuss!”

Maura flinched as if Jane had actually hit her, and for a moment, Jane enjoyed her pain. Then, she felt her forehead crinkle in confusion and apprehension as Maura reached out and trailed fingertips over the line of her chin.

Jane jerked away. “Don’t fucking touch me!” Feeling out of control again, Jane stepped forward. “You have no fucking rights to me!” Before she could stop herself, Jane grasped Maura’s shoulders. The heat from her bare skin scorched her, but still she shook her and screamed. “You threw them away remember?!”  Feeling violently overwhelmed by her emotions, Jane pushed Maura backwards, wanting to get away from her but completely unable to let go.  Maura aided in the endeavor trying to pull away from Jane and bumping into a nearby wall in the process.

The fear in Maura’s eyes fed her but the determination still glinting infuriated her.  Jane pinned Maura against the wall. The brush of their bodies burned her, filling the air with the heat between them. Maura’s breath was ragged. Her chest heaved, bringing even more attention to the body she wanted to possess and the person she wanted to hate.  “Fuck you, Maura!”

Tears fell from Maura’s eyes.

Jane wanted to scream, and then she knew that she was losing what was left of her mind. “Fuck you,” Jane whispered again as she surged forward. Their lips crashed together violently, hungrily, and Jane reveled in the anger behind it.  Her hands snaked through Maura’s hair, grasping it by the handfuls and yanking, ordering her to open wider as she continued to conquer and plunder what she knew should be hers.

Maura’s whimpers filled her mouth, and Jane swallowed them whole.  Maura strained against her, and it only took a second for Jane to realize that Maura wasn’t fighting. 

She was only trying to get closer.

Triumph soared through her mingling with an unforgiving crest of arousal. Jane moaned loudly as hands found a way under her jacket and nails scraped down her back. She shuddered.  The sounds Maura were making became needy, desperate. They singed her blood to a boiling hot consistency. 

Jane tore her mouth away only to bite into a bare shoulder. Maura cried out.  Jane’s tongue flicked over the area again and again soothing and tasting simultaneously.  Each breath Maura took was followed by a whimper. It splashed over her skin like droplets of fire.

Jane grasped Maura’s hips, crushing them together. They met each other thrust for thrust.  It wasn’t enough. As Jane found Maura’s lips again, she reached down, bunching the dress up inch by glorious inch, and she didn’t stop until her fingers grazed over silky panties.

In a blatant sign of ownership, she cupped Maura through the dampening confines, pressing hard enough to be felt, to be remembered. Maura’s cry was guttural as she ripped her mouth away to say the one thing Jane needed to hear most.

“Jane!”

Jane peered into Maura’s eyes to see in them what she had wanted all along.

Somehow, at that moment a frisson of uncertainty fought its way through and settled deep into Jane’s belly. She blinked and tried to will it away, but when her gaze returned to Maura she remembered the deceit, the doubt, and the ambiguity of it all.

It was like being thrown in a frozen lake.

As Maura pressed down, grinding on her hand, Jane stumbled backward, detaching herself completely. Maura groaned and reached out clumsily in hopes of renewing the contact.

Jane moved further away. “Look at me,” she husked. _God! What kind of idiot am I?_

Maura released a ragged breath and trembled. The green gaze held passion and a tenderness that Jane had never seen before. She shook it off as wishful thinking. “You’re going to have to work harder than that,” Jane whispered snidely.

The silence stretched between them.

Finally, Maura moved as if in pain as she tried to straighten her dress. Catching Jane’s gaze once more, Maura muttered, “I know.”

Floored by the statement, Jane stood stock still and slack jawed. The only thing she could do was watch as Maura left the office. She was alone again, but something had changed. Somehow a challenge had been issued, and for once, Jane’s thoughts were quiet. She peered at the door wanting to believe but knowing that she shouldn’t.

*

Peter threw his keys and briefcase in a nearby chair as he sat on the couch with a package in tow. He sat it on the table and peered at it for what seemed like hours. Finally, he got up to pour himself a drink, making it a double.

When he sat back down, he reached for it, tearing through the plain brown wrapping and the box itself in a garish parody of a kid on Christmas morning. Peter emptied the contents on the cushion beside him and exhaled shakily.

There it was in the box he had gifted it in. Peter flipped it open and let the pain wash over him in waves. Snapping it shut, he knew that he had been right about at least one thing. He did deserve better. He smiled sadly then laughed at himself realizing that he was a nice guy to the end. “Good luck, Maura.”  He lifted his glass in toast then polished off its contents.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**

Maura parked across the street from a familiar dwelling and acknowledged that her presence here could be categorized as even stranger and more desperate than appearing at Addison’s door.  Maura released a nervous breath. She was unlikely to get help here, but Maura could possibly find some form of forgiveness. _This will either go horribly wrong or give me the boost I need._  A boost would be more than welcomed after constantly crashing against the newly reinforced brick wall Jane had erected over the past few days.

The events of the charity function had been a breakthrough or sorts, but as the door opened toward Maura’s redemption, Jane made sure to slam it shut at the first opportunity.  Her phone calls, texts and voice mails had gone unanswered. The temptation to camp on Jane’s door step had been exorbitantly high, but Maura had resisted, knowing that she would get more of the same.

The situation at work so far this week had been fraught with tension. Making a myriad of unnecessary trips upstairs, Maura’s need to be near Jane had taken precedence over self-preservation. While she talked with Frost, Korsak, and any other detective that would pay attention, Jane engaged in overt ignoring.  It hurt tremendously, but somehow, Maura had been able to find a positive in it all. Each time Maura appeared, Jane stayed firmly in her seat staring at her with a wariness akin to a caged animal.

There had been no running.

Still, Maura was completely out of her element. The charity function had been almost easy. It seemed a veritable age since she had been in the same room let alone touched Jane, reaching out to her had been automatic like breathing and just as important. Maura was able to look past her own need to see that her presence had shaken Jane and each touch had been cataclysmic.  Shuddering, Maura remembered the kiss they shared. It in itself had been life changing.

Settling back into the present, she peered at the house and wondered what waited for her there. Maura tried vehemently to calculate the possibilities, but in the end, she knew it was a game of chance.  The new Maura was more willing to gamble. _I’d do this, Jane and so much more._

Fortifying herself with a deep breath, Maura exited the car and walked briskly across the street. Within a few seconds, she was ringing the doorbell. The curtain near the entranceway was pulled back, and Maura was face to face with Angela Rizzoli.

They peered at each other for what seemed like an eternity, and Maura saw the surprise and worry dance across Angela’s face. Maura could only hope her expression held conviction and some of the need that seemed to be teeming through her at the best of times.

The curtain closed and the door opened. Without a word, Angela Rizzoli moved from the doorway allowing entry. The silence continued between them as Maura walked through the foyer. She opened her mouth to speak, to apologize, to beg for her forgiveness, but Angela turned from the living area instead, heading toward the back toward the bedrooms. Maura’s mouth snapped shut, and somehow she knew that she was to follow.

Angela was waiting for her at Jane’s bedroom door, and as Maura drew closer, Angela stepped inside. Following, Maura gasped at the absolute chaos that greeted her. Posters had been ripped from the walls and lay in confetti like pieces over the floor.  In fact, there were several mementoes and knick knacks that had also been destroyed. Shaking inside, Maura peered at the bed. The blankets and sheets had been ripped from it and thrown haphazardly to the other side. The room was a product of fury.  Maura’s heart dropped to her stomach. _Oh no._

Maura turned to Angela, needing an explanation but not wanting to hear it.  Angela Rizzoli gave her one anyway. “She did this almost two weeks ago. Just showed up out of the blue and exploded all over the place.”  Angela’s tone was hushed, almost a whisper.

Maura’s eyes closed and blood rushed to her face in shame, knowing exactly what had caused this... who had caused this. She swallowed the painful lump forming in her throat.  Knowing that she had perpetuated devastation but to actually see the evidence of it was heart rending. _I did this._ Pain blossomed in her chest, but it wasn’t for herself. She hurt for Jane.

“She said that you didn’t know how to stop hurting her.”

A tiny sound of desolation escaped Maura’s lips.

“Is that true?” Angela asked.

“I want to. I’m trying, Ang—“

“Mrs. Rizzoli.”

Stung, Maura lowered her head. “Mrs. Rizzoli.”

“You should be ashamed, Maura.”

Maura nodded. Unable or unwilling to meet her gaze. “I am,” she added.

“I couldn’t bring myself to clean it up. Every time I come in here, my heart breaks.”

Silence stretched between them.

“Look at me, Maura.”

Maura did as she was told.

“I’ve never seen her broken like that. Our Jane…” Angela paused as her voice filled with emotion. “She’s strong and loving and she loves you most of all.”

The sadness in Angela Rizzoli’s voice triggered Maura’s tears. “I know.”

“That’s not something to run from. Hell, you’re supposed to hold on to it with everything that you’ve got.”

“I know.” Maura continued.

“She doesn’t want to, but she needs you.”

“I need her just as much, Mrs. R-Rizzoli.” Maura whispered brokenly.

“It’s Angela.  Then, go make it right.”

Maura did a mental double take. Understanding dawned, she needed to see that Maura was just as damaged, just as desperate as Jane was. “I’m trying.”

“Try harder. You two have years of memories you’ve made together. She wants to forget them but she won’t. She can’t.”

Their gazes met and held as Maura received the message loud and clear. The sudden nudging of her foot caused her to look down. Jo Friday smiled up at her. Maura glanced up in confusion.

Angela shrugged. “She can barely take care of herself right now.”

Maura nodded in understanding but doubt lingered. Suspicion prickled, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. “That’s understandable.”  _There’s something…_

A few minutes later, Maura turned the keys in the ignition.  Before driving away, she peered at the Rizzoli house one last time.  In there, she had found a form of forgiveness, understanding, and the knowledge that she sorely needed. Still, Maura sighed knowing that most things are easier said than done.

**

Jane took a huge undignified bite of her sandwich. After washing it down with a swig of Coke, she peered at her lunch companion. “She came to see you didn’t she?

Addison paused mid chew. She held up a finger asking for patience as she finished the bite and wiped her mouth with a nearby napkin.  “Took you long enough to ask. Why now?”  Her gaze was straightforward and unapologetic.

“I had to make sure I wasn’t going to take your head off when I brought it up. Took a few days. You didn’t deserve that. After all, you’ve been upfront about your motives from the start.”

“True. It was actually quite lonely the past couple of days.”

Jane snorted but the corner of her lips turned upward. “Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you’ve had company almost every night.”

Addison gasped, looking affronted. “Does everyone think I’m just the biggest whore in Boston?”

“Probably L.A. too.” Jane added for good measure.

Blue eyes narrowed. “Careful Rizzoli. I know things.”  Addison smiled. “But it’ good to see you like this. It’s been forever.”  Her grin widened. “Maura is obviously a very powerful woman.”

Jane glared but she had surprised herself, letting good humor slip through the mess she had become. “It has nothing to do with her. Nothing’s changed.”

“Uh huh.”  Addison sipped her water. “I was there remember?  It was like the room was on fire. I’m sure you two were the subject of more than one masturbatory fantasy.”

 Jane clenched her jaw in sheer frustration. “I’m not rolling over just because of that. I’m not stupid.”  _A few kisses and shiny eyes isn’t fucking enough._

“Never said you were, but I saw your face when you came back into the main area. She got to you whether you wanted it or not.”

“Whatever.”  Jane again devoured her sandwich. _Fuck._

“You can admit it, you know. You love her there was no way you couldn’t have been affected.”

“It doesn’t mean anything Addison. It’s not enough. I don’t know if anything will be.”  Jane said. The intensity they shared did haunt her. She recalled the past few nights on the squeaking cot and how every time she closed her eyes Maura was there touching her and begging her with her eyes.  During the day it was manageable until Maura appeared unannounced, filling the squad room with her heat and her scent. She wanted to run but running wasn’t in her blood. Jane lived for the confrontation… the fight and she was going to be damned if she let Maura win. _I won’t be played with anymore._

“That’s understandable.”

“I guess she thought … I don’t know what she thought. I can’t tell you how many phone calls and texts I got over the weekend. Now, she just pops upstairs a million times a day.”

“Yes, how dare she.”  Addison’s tone was sarcastic overkill.

 Jane ignored it. “I’ve never seen her like this. The begging…I’m not sure it’s her.”  She shook her head in confusion.  Their friendship had been strong. She had seen Maura at her most vulnerable, but Maura had never allowed herself to be this open, exposed.

“Fuck that! It’s hot as hell!” Addison exclaimed loudly.

“Addison!” Jane admonished as people began to stare.

Addison chuckled. “Sorry, but it’s true. There’s something sexy about surrender.”

Butterflies fluttered in Jane’s stomach, but before she could refuse the statement as truth, her phone chirped. Sighing, Jane answered the call. “Rizzoli.”

After a few terse words, Jane reached for her Coke and took a big gulp.  “Duty calls. Frost is waiting for a ride.”  She stood and threw money on the table. Addison waved her away with promises of a phone call later.

As Jane exited the deli, she did mental inventory.  The anger and resentment was still there. The thick emotional cloud that covered her and weighed her down was still present making each step labored. Her thoughts centered wholly on Maura. A tingle invaded. The love—it was still there too.  All was  seemingly status quo just like Jane needed it to be.

*

Frost slid into the passenger seat and slammed the door. “We should hang a right at Altman. There’s a five care pile up fucking up the main drag.”

Jane grunted in response. They had barely moved a few feet before she could feel his eyes on her.  “Nice lunch?” He asked.

“It was just lunch,” Jane answered briskly.

“Mmmkay.”

“So what do we have?”

“Pre -school teacher found the body of a black male in the bushes near their playground. Hands were bound.”

“Go on.”  Jane was in her element, her work.  She clung to it, counting on it to put her back on track or some semblance of it.

“Gun shot to the back of the head.”

“Execution.”  Jane deduced.

“Probably.”  Frost paused and began staring at her once more. “You know, I hope this doesn’t offend or irritate you. On second thought, I kinda don’t care if it does, but I notice something over the past few days. Well, I knew, but it just hit me.”

Jane sighed. _Shit. We don’t have normal conversations anymore._ “Yeah?” asked warily.

“Maura is fine as….hell.”

“Jesus, Barry. Really?”  _Does every fucking thing have to be about her?_

“I mean **really**.  Have you seen those legs?  That… everything? If I had a woman like that coming around me, I’d never come up for air. Hell, I’d probably quit my job.”

Jane groaned. “Is there a point to this conversation?” She hissed.

“Didn’t know there had to be.  I just had to get it out. I guess I could have talked to Korsak about it, but then I’d just feel dirty.”

“God, do you even hear what comes out of your mouth sometimes? Do they think its gang related?”  Jane asked through gritted teeth.

“I don’t know. I can’t see that. We’re not there are we?”  He retorted in the same manner.

“Well do we know who the dead guy is?”  Jane snapped.

“Just because I’m black doesn’t mean I know everybody!”

Jane stopped at a red light.  “That’s not what I meant!”

“Well, if we had an ID I would have said Tyrone got shot!”

Jane had enough. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What? I can’t be irritable too?”

They glared at each other as the light turned green.

Jane cursed as she caught another red light. “I didn’t say that. You were waxing poetic about Maura’s ass…”

Frost’s eyes widened. “I didn’t say anything about waxing Maura’s ass. You just did.”

Jane could see him trying to fight the smile. His lips trembled. “Go ahead. Laugh it up.”  She rolled her eyes and swallowed down her own mirth.

Frost did just that. After a couple of minutes, he gasped. “You know that shit was funny.”

“Hi-larious. Feel better now?”

“A bit. Sorry, it’s been a long dry spell, and you have two women who would probably lick your feet—“

“I don’t have anybody.”  Jane interrupted. _God that sounded pathetic._

Frost went silent.

Jane glanced in his direction. “What? You’re not going to offer any insight or tell me I’m being an ass?”

Frost shrugged. “Nope. Nothing left to say. I’m here either way. That ball is squarely in your court.”

*

By the time they got to the crime scene, it was crawling with CSU, workers from the Medical Examiner’s office and peppered with cops.  Jane raised the yellow police tape, easing underneath. They were waved over immediately by Maura’s people.

“Powder residue at the entry wound and the damage done suggests that the mussel of the gun was pressed to his head.”

Jane nodded.

Frost coughed and nudged her.

“What?” She asked in aggravated fashion.

He nodded toward the forming crowd. Maura slipped through the throng of people fluidly. She stood out radiant and flawless. The gray skirt Maura wore clung to her curves and stopped just above her knees giving a peak of creamy thighs. The purple shirt looked silky and soft to the touch, showcasing only a hint of what lay below. For a moment, Jane forgot to breathe. _Damn it. Focus. There’s work to do here._

Frost nudged her again.

“Okay, keep it in your pants. I see her,” Jane muttered.

He snorted. “You first.”

Then, she was there.  “I’m sorry. I would have been here earlier. There were some things I had to take care of….some errands,” Maura said breathlessly.

Frost shrugged. “It’s okay, Doc. The real party doesn’t start until you get here anyway.”

Maura beamed, obviously charmed.  “Thank you Detective Frost, but I’m sure they can handle the prelims.”

Jane gritted her teeth and rolled her eyes at her partner’s audacity.

He smiled at her obvious irritation. “Look, CSU is waving us over. See you in a minute?” Frost didn’t wait for her answer.

Now alone, their eyes met. Jane saw the same determination and openness that had been there days ago. She steeled herself against it.

“Detective Rizzoli.”  Maura’s tone was soft and filled with longing.

“Dr. Isles,” Jane returned willing her voice to be hard, but it was just the opposite.

Without warning, Maura reached out and brushed at the area above Jane’s breasts. Frowning, Jane looked down at her shirt and stepped away but not before she felt and saw her nipples harden.

“Bread crumbs,” Maura whispered. Her eyes glinted knowingly.

Jane broke their gaze and walked away, ordering her body to behave and her heart to stop racing. _There’s work to do. That’s all there is. That’s all there needs to be._

*

Hours later and back at the precinct, Jane sank tiredly into her chair.  Unfortunately or not depending on how it was viewed, this case was going to be an easy one. Jane yearned for a challenge… something to immerse herself in.  She longed for it, but Jane ruefully accepted that despite it all, she longed for Maura more.

She leaned back rubbing the bridge of her nose in hopes of forestalling the headache attempting to form. _I have to get used to seeing her, dealing with her. I can’t let her sweep my legs from under me every time._   Jane shook her head at her own weakness despite willing herself to be stronger.  In a last ditch effort to release herself from Maura’s latest influence, Jane decided to catch up on paperwork.

Peering down at her desk, she shuffled several files until a plain white envelope caught her eye. Jane flipped it over looking for an address or even a name, but there was nothing.  Lifting the open flap, Jane revealed a card. The face of it felt almost embroidered and its surface colorful, but there were no pictures or writing.  Jane flicked it open. Her breath caught as she recognized Maura’s handwriting.  _She knew I would have thrown it away if she had written anything on the outside._

Jane wanted nothing more than to have the strength to wad it up, but she was drawn to the words just as she was drawn to the woman who wrote them. Unable to help herself, Jane began to read.

_Jane,_

_Over the years of our friendship, I’ve narrowed down at least twenty Jane moments that will be with me forever. They have been the happiest moments of my life. It always seems to come back to you. I’m sure now that it was meant to do so._

_I would like to relive with you a couple of those memories right now. Do you recall when we first met? I thought you boorish and rude and I expressed as much. I belive you told me "get your nose out of the air because I don't stink". I was so sure that this confirmed my first impression of you, but somehow, within fifteen minutes I was laughing.  Something inside me melted even then, but I was too blind to see it._

_Then, there was my kidnapping. When my father let me go, all I could think about was getting to you. My life was in upheaval, but somehow I knew you would right it again.  You did so flawlessly. The things that I’ve done have shamed us both, but those memories will never be tarnished. We are not the same women we were, but the essence remains._

_Please remember this._

_Maura_

 

 

As Jane closed the card, she could see her hands shaking. Sucking in several deep breaths, she attempted to anchor herself as emotion rolled over her in high unrelenting waves.  Frantically, she looked around in hopes that no one would see her fall apart.  Jane held onto her desk with an iron grip as memories flooded her. _Oh God._

The sudden hand on her shoulder made Jane spin around. She stared into familiar eyes.  Addison peered from the card to Jane. Understanding dawned in her expression.

“Is there someplace…?” Addison asked.

“Yes, please. I—“ Jane tried vehemently to swallow the lump in her throat.

“Just show me.”

Stiffly, Jane stood and guided them toward the interrogation rooms. Addison sat across from her. She reached out for Jane’s hand, and without hesitation, it was presented.  Jane watched silently as Addison read the card.

When it was done, their gazes met. “Oh sweetie, I don’t think she would say things like this if she wasn’t serious. You don’t believe her do you?”

“I don’t know what to believe.  Look what it’s gotten me so far.”

“I know Jane. Believe me, I know. It’s just that you two can’t keep engaging in these epic battles.  You’re going to rip each other to shreds one way or the other.”

“Maybe that’s the way it supposed to be.”  Jane husked.

“I don’t believe that. If that were the case, she would have married Peter.”

 _Maybe._ “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

“You can’t go on like this forever.”  Addison stated.

Jane nodded because she knew it was true, but the other part of her knew that she had to protect what was left of her heart at all cost.

Addison sighed and looked at her knowingly. “You’re too fucking stubborn for your own good.”  She squeezed Jane’s hand to take the sting out of the words.  “Can you leave? We could go back to your place or mine and—“

 _I can’t. I just can’t._ Jane shook her head in an emphatic no. “You’re not going to be here forever. I have to get through this at my own pace.”

“But I’m here now.”

“And you have been from the start, but you can’t give me what I need right now.”  _What **do** I need?_

Addison sighed again.  “Fine, but you know I can’t stay out of your hair completely. I’ll call you in a little while, and you’d better answer the damn phone.”

Jane offered her a weak smile that she was in no way feeling. “I will.”

“Do you want me to stay a while?”

“No, I have work. I need to work.”

Addison stood. Her hand slid from Jane’s grasp, and silently, Jane watched her go.  She took a deep breath and acknowledged that she was on shaky, dangerous ground.

**

There were a myriad of perks to being Chief Medical Examiner, and one of them was that Maura had access to virtually everywhere in the building both day and night.  She let herself into the squad room and peered around in the dimness. There were two desk lamps on but thankfully the owners burning the midnight oil were not present at the moment.  It was a good thing. Maura was not in the mood to give explanations.

The card made an impact. Somehow Maura knew this because she knew Jane and that knowledge fueled her. The fact that Jane was currently sleeping in the precinct catapulted her even more.  Guilt and concern warred within, but as she weaved her way toward the sleeping area concern won.  Maura readied herself mentally for every eventuality that she could calculate. _Say whatever you have to Jane._

Maura opened the door to the room and zeroed in on her quarry. Her heart stuttered as she found it.  Jane sat on the edge of a cot with her head in her hands. While her initial entrance somehow went unnoticed, the door creaked loudly as it closed.

Jane turned to look over her shoulder.

Their eyes met and for those few seconds, the world stopped for Maura.

Jane was the first to look away. Her shoulder’s slumped in acceptance as if for the moment the fight had seeped from her, indicating a tentative truce. “How’d you know?”  Jane asked in a whisper.

“Your car was in the parking garage and… Jo Friday.”  Maura answered softly as she walked forward, stopping when she was in front of Jane.  Inside, she was relieved. _At least she is being civil tonight. I suppose that’s a start._

Jane gasped in surprise. “You’ve been to my mother’s?”  Her tone wasn’t angry just flustered.

“I needed to accept responsibility for what I’ve done to you… to us.  I saw Jo, and I didn’t comprehend until later that you wouldn’t have taken her there unless you were going to be away from home for a while.”

“So did you accept responsibility?” Jane asked in a quiet monotone.

“Yes, I did. I have.”

Silence fell. There was a bloody war waging between them, but it was time to finally discuss the rules of engagement.

“Jane?”

“What?”  Jane mumbled.

“Can you look at me please? That’s all I ask.”

A few seconds later, dark eyes gazed up at her. They were bright and almost wild. It was a massive contradiction to her body language.  “That’s not all you’re asking for.”

Maura wiped a damp hand on her skirt and squatted down to Jane’s eye level. “No, I suppose you’re right. I do have some questions.”

Jane shrugged in response.

Maura’s heart spasmed at Jane’s demeanor.  “The last time…you stayed here was after Hoyt. Was what happened between us… c-comparable?” Her voice broke.

“No.”  Jane paused for what seemed like years. “It was worse. You were the devil I knew, and I didn’t see it coming.” She continued sadly.

Maura gasped but she let the pain of her own decisions wash over her. “I think I knew that.”

“Then why ask?”

“Because, I needed to hear it. I think we both did.”

“So you’re trying to clear the air?”  Jane clenched her fists at her sides.

“Of sorts.”

“There’s too much shit between us.”  Jane countered.

“I agree but I think it goes both ways.”

“What--?”

“The memories…. the good times that we shared.  They’re between us as well. I can’t forget. I don’t think you can either.”

Jane shook her head. “It’s not healthy to live in the past. I’m learning that the hard way.”

“This is an exception, and I think we both understand that whether you acknowledge it or not. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here in this room on this cot and neither would I.”

Confusion chased its way over Jane’s features. “What? Where are you getting this stuff from? Aren’t you supposed to be an emotional cripple?”

It wasn’t meant as an insult. Maura knew this.  “I suppose you could say I’ve gained wisdom through circumstance.”

“So have I, Maura.”  Jane reverted back to a monotone.

Before Maura could stop herself, she reached out tracing over Jane’s fists up to her forearms. She felt the gooseflesh and saw the shiver. “You want to believe that, but I can see that it’s not true.”

Jane seemed to quake from the inside out. “Please stop.”  Her eyes pleaded.

“I can’t,” Maura whispered thickly.

Jane’s chest heaved as her breathing turned ragged. “I want to believe you, but I can’t.”

“I’m not going to stop trying. Do you understand?”

Heat and pain surrounded them.

“I know. You’re going to run toward me just as hard as you ran away.”

“No, I’m done running. I’m still scared, but this is where I’m supposed to be.”

They gazed at each other and Maura hoped that Jane saw it all-- the determination, the shame, and the love she had yet to speak of.  Maura pushed stray strands of dark hair away from Jane’s face. Her fingertips tingled. “I’m not going to stop. Okay?”

Jane didn’t speak but her eyes burned.

Maura stood, letting soft tresses slip from her fingertips.  “This isn’t the best place for you, but I can more than understand it. Your secret is safe with me.” She leaned in pressing her lips against Jane’s forehead. She wanted more, needed more but it was selfish to push. So instead, Maura settled and attempted to channel every ounce of emotion through the caress.

“Goodnight.” Maura muttered as she stepped away completely. The sound of her heels on the concrete floor was grating. The door squeaked as she let herself out.  She stopped and leaned against the outside wall to gather herself. Her heart thumped relentlessly in her chest and she allowed the quivering that had been dormant inside to work itself free. _Please_ , _I hope some part of you heard me, Jane._

Knowing it was out of her hands for the moment, Maura pushed away from the wall and headed back toward the squad room. She didn’t get very far, before a tug on her forearm stopped her cold. She burned at the touch.

Whipping around, Maura stood face to face with Jane. Before she could utter a word, Jane’s lips captured hers, devouring all she was about to say. Maura sobbed and surrendered to the contact.

She felt Jane’s passion.

She felt Jane’s need, but she also felt the hesitance, the confusion, and the anger.

Maura took it all, opening wide to make sure she absorbed every nuance.

Before she could give everything in return, Jane ended the embrace.  Maura whimpered in disappointment.  Unreadable, glittering dark eyes bore into hers. “Okay,” Jane husked.

And then she was gone.

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**

Jane loved anonymous tips. While at times they led to absolutely nothing, they were always entertaining. She smiled to herself, remembering the 72 year old woman who confessed to being the Zodiac Killer.  A recent call had been no different. It had been engaging but it was actually panning out as true.

Both Jane and her partner had spent most of the day combing through cold case files looking for a link between Gary Sanford and a two year old murder. Then, finally, the dots began to connect. The investigating detectives had missed a gaggle of evidence and had made connections where there were none. Once Jane and Frost weeded through the bullshit they found what they needed. Gary’s hair and some matching fibers were found at the scene but had been glossed over because he was the building super.

They sat on opposite ends of a requisitioned table.  The surface was covered with loose paper and color photos of the victim, Anita Point’s, body and the crime scene.  As if they were of one mind, Jane and Frost glanced upward at the same time. Their eyes met. 

“I know you have to see what I see.” Frost stated.

The leather creaked as Jane leaned back in her chair. Her fingers entwined over her stomach. “Uh huh.”  A sense of triumph surrounded her, making her feel ten feet tall.

“She was fucking hot. What would she be doing with his creepy doughy lily white ass? A woman like that would want someone as fine as she is.”

“Not to mention the dripping condom they found with his guts still in it.”  Jane made a face of disgust.

“Damn good thing the detectives who had this case retired. They must have been senile as hell.”

Jane stood and moved toward the door. “Do they have thank you for fucking this up cards?”

Frost snorted and followed. “Hallmark wouldn’t dare. We could form our own company and get away from all this…”

“I don’t know about you but I happen to like all this. Let’s get papers and pay Gary a visit.”  The ultimate game of cat and mouse was underway and Jane reveled in every second of it. For four hours Jane had been focused not on her life but bringing justice to another, and at the moment, Anita Point was the only one that mattered. There was no room for Maura. There was no room for pain.

Less than an hour later, Jane cranked the radio up as they neared their destination.  Frost peered at her in surprise but didn’t say a thing.  He merely smiled at her choice and shook his head then began bobbing it. Jane hated hip hop but it added to the adrenaline already coursing through her veins.  Her grip on the steering wheel tightened until her knuckles turned pale. It was unlikely to be a tension fraught standoff but that didn’t keep her body from expecting one.

They pulled into the parking garage of the same apartment complex where the badly beaten body of Anita Point had been found and removed.

“He’s either a gusty as shit or dumber than dirt for staying here.”

Jane shrugged. “He could be smarter than he looks.”

They peered at each other and laughed. They never were. Jane glanced over her shoulder as the rest of their team ambled up beside them. “Let’s keep this clean fellas. You get the door open if you have to, and we’ll do the rest.”

As they made their way across the parking area, Jane knew to anyone looking they were an awesome sight. While she and Frost had their vests underneath, their companions were decked out in full tactical gear complete with battering ram. It was frightening and intimidating and for the moment Jane wouldn’t have it any other way. They were here to catch a killer.

Seconds later, they were on the elevator.  Jane peered around in horror as music surrounded them.  She could feel her eyes widen in abject horror as Frost began to sing along.

“I’m on top of the world looking down at creation---“

“Sing another note and they won’t find your body for years. How the hell do you know that shit?”

Frost sighed. “Is this another because I’m black thing?”

Laughter exploded around them.  Jane glared in their direction but it wasn’t enough.

Jane scoffed, “No! It’s because I have sneakers that are probably older than you so how the fuck do you know The Carpenters?”

“How do you know them?”

“I’m white. It was forced fed to me along with The Captain and Tennille.”

“Ohhh, like them too.” He began singing. “Love…love will keep us…”

Jane’s glare was deadly.

Despite the raucous laughter surrounding him, Frost cleared his throat. “Well, I grew up in an eclectic household? There were the O Jay’s, Cameo and The Carpenters.”  He added and smirked.

Jane peered at him through the slits that her eyes had become. “You know, black people are usually the first ones to get it in situations like these. You might not want your last moments to be tied into that kind of lie.”

Frost rolled his eyes. “I didn’t steal the damned Mona Lisa and that was racist!”

“It was not. I’ve seen horror movies.”  Jane arched a brow in his direction.

“This isn’t a horror movie. It’s reality!” Frost glared.

“She’s right Frost. Didn’t you see Scream? That woman…married to Will Smith I think was the first one to die. She was complaining about the same thing.”

Jane smirked. “Thanks for the backup Sanders.”

The elevator dinged.

“Uh huh, just be ready Frost. I’m telling you.”

“Damn it! Fine! My college roommate used to fuck this girl she was a modern day hippy, but she liked playing this song when she gave bj’s.”  He whispered harshly.

“Eww, I liked the first explanation better.” The banter between them should have eased the tension, but it only served to add a different edge to it. Blood roared in her ears and her heart beat quickened in anticipation.

They neared the door of apartment 4A. It was the middle of the workday for some, and the hallway was completely quiet until one of the floor boards squeaked underneath Jane’s feet. She stepped around the weak area and stood on the left side of the door.  Moving her jacket aside, she exposed  the gun on her hip for easy access just in case it was needed. Jane brought a finger to her lips and leaned toward the door. The low mumble of a TV could be heard. Backing away again, Jane nodded in Frost’s direction.

He began to pound on the door. “Boston PD!”

After a couple of seconds of no response, the air around them seemed to change, and something in Jane’s gut urged her to hurry.  Jane waved the tactical team forward. The sense of danger was almost smothering.

Without warning, the door exploded outward. Wood splintered and flew toward them. Just like her counterparts Jane took a dive in the opposite direction.  After a few seconds, she peered through the particles still littering the air to see everybody moving and accounted for. Anger coursed through her. This man had murdered once and apparently it gave him the audacity to shoot at the police.

A couple of doors opened and heads poked out. Jane removed her gun from the holster. It was enough to send them back in again. She got to her knees and crawled around the corner. The hole in the door was big enough to shove a head through it, but the smell caught Jane unaware, garbage old, new and lots of it. Cautiously, Jane peered inside. What she saw attested to the smell, but Gary Sanford was nowhere to be seen.

Motioning to the rest of her team, Jane reached inside and unlocked what remained of the door. Her eyes continued to scan the area and her gun was at the ready. Upon entrance, she moved toward the next noticeable area, the kitchen and motioned for the rest of them to look further in. Jane waded through the old stained boxes of pizza and other take-out but there was nothing there to see. 

“Uh, Rizzoli. You might want to come in here.” Sanders voice sounded strange.

Jane made her way toward the summons. Frost met her in the doorway.  He held up a hand stopping her, but his eyes were twinkling. “May I just say that this is what YouTube was made for?”

Jane pushed her way inside and peered on in disbelief.  “What in the purple fuck…”  The lower end of Gary Sanford’s body dangled helplessly but the rest of him was wedged in the bedroom window.

“Looks like they don’t make windows …in his size.”  Sanders added.  “I’m sure he was trying to get down the fire escape.

Jane sighed. _This one had to be mine._  “Pull him out and be careful.”

Within minutes, Gary Sanford was free, and he immediately started crying.  “I only had one bullet and I was saving it for me. I-I’m sorry I just panicked. I knew someone would figure it out. I knew…”

Sanders shook his head as he slapped on the cuffs and read him his rights while his partner, gloves in tow, gingerly picked up the shotgun.

While Sanders was a large man, Gary Sanford was even bigger.  Jane saw the panic in Sanford’s eyes before he began flailing and the triumph when he broke free. Raising her gun, Jane growled. “Really, Gary? Really? Think long and hard about it.”

Gary Sanford growled back and charged in Jane’s direction. With a quick sidestep, he barreled into the wall instead of her and slumped unconscious to the floor.  Jane sighed and reached for her own cuffs.  “I did all the hard work. You guys can call an ambulance.”

Jane stood and glanced at her partner. Frost grinned back at her.  “What?”

“I changed my mind. That’s the shit YouTube was made for.”

Jane smirked. “Shut up.”

“You know you loved it. It’s like being a superhero or something.”

Jane snorted. “Not really.”

“Well, at least it kept you busy for most of the day.”  Frost said knowingly.

Conceding, Jane murmured, “Yeah, there was that.”  She turned away, accepting reality. All the adrenaline and energy seeped from Jane like a deflating balloon, leaving confusion and wariness in its wake. It had been two days and nothing had changed. Jane hadn’t expected it to. _Well she said she wasn’t giving up and I guess I pretty much told her not to._ Maura had been everywhere touching her surrounding Jane in her scent and pleading with her eyes in a way that would have made a lesser person crumble.

Jane was by no means a lesser person but she was human and with each seemingly innocent but scorching touch she was singed bone deep. It fed her hunger and Jane wanted nothing more than to drag them both to a pleasurable oblivion. Still, Jane knew the difference between wants and needs, and she needed to stand her ground concerning it.

A hand clapped Jane on the back. Frost leaned forward, whispering. “I didn’t mean to bring all that up. Sorry.”

Jane gave him a tight smile. “You didn’t. It was coming anyway. It always does.” She tore her gaze away and peered around her. This place was now a crime scene. Since the academy, it had been unraveling the mystery that led to these kinds situations; these scenarios that made her feel alive. Somehow over the years, Maura had become the human equivalent to that rush.  Ruefully, Jane acknowledged the revelation that this had been her downfall.

A thick wave of sadness rolled over her, followed by a bone deep loneliness.  There were others in her life, and they were good people and solid friendships. 

Still, they weren’t Maura, and it was a harsh reality to face.

Maura carried with her a strength and knowledge of Jane that no one else possessed. Maura knew when to speak, when to smile, when to listen and when to offer a shoulder. Jane realized the dichotomy of her feelings almost immediately even while knee deep in her own ruin. It was dark irony indeed. The loneliness seeped to her very core and there was only one cure for it. While still in the grasp of one revelation another one chased its heels.

Jane missed Maura.

She missed her desperately as if some section of her being had been snatched away leaving only a throbbing ache. Despite Maura being the underlying cause of the chaos, Jane refused to lie to herself there was a longing present for simpler times, happier times mingled with the devastating hunger.

While part of her _wanted_ to stay away from Maura, the other part worried that she had become a _need_ that Jane couldn’t do without. The constant shifting of her emotions gave Jane mental whiplash, but there was nothing to do but to feel them and deal with the uncertainty.

It was the very definition of conundrum punctuated by the sound of approaching sirens. Shaken by it all, Jane still stood tall giving the appearance of unflappability. While on the inside, she churned.

**

“I think that I’m losing my mind.”  For a few seconds, Maura tolerated Addison’s confused expression before she clarified. “I knew this would be difficult, but faced with the practical knowledge of the situation, I’m beginning to realize that I had no idea.”

Addison blinked and continued to chew slowly.

“Well?” Maura asked in aggravated fashion, irritated by Addison’s lack of response.

Addison sat down her fork and wiped her mouth. “Okay, I’m going to assume that you’re talking about Jane.”

“What else would it be?!”  Maura exclaimed in a huff.

“Don’t jump down my throat. It’s not my fault.”

Sighing, Maura could feel the tension in her body deflate. _Addison was right. Addison has always been right._ “Why must you be such a---“

“Bitch with a heart of gold?”  Addison offered a devastating smile.

Unable to resist, Maura chuckled. “I believe the term is “know it all.”

“I don’t think anyone says that anymore, Maura.”

“Well, I do.”

“We need to get you in touch with the times.”

“If you continue with the subterfuge, you’re going to need a dry cleaner who can remove oil based salad dressings from…  what is that linen?”  Maura added in frustration. She knew her comment was crass, but she also knew Addison. It would take a lot more to offend her.

Addison laughed. “Meoww! Angry, irritated Maura needs to come out more often!”

Maura’s eyes narrowed. _She is one of the most exasperating…_

“What? Fuck me, right?”  Addison paused for dramatic effect. “Go on. It’ll just be between you and me.  I’ll start it. You want even need to say the naughty part.”

“Addison!”

“Maura! What?”

“I’m asking for your help here. I know she wants this. I can see it, feel it, but there is so much distrust and distance.  I also think she understands now that I’m not giving up.” 

“Is that why you asked me out for a late lunch? You could’ve just called.”

“Partly, but the entire time you’ve been here, we’ve barely had a chance to be reacquainted.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m serious. I have no idea what’s going on in your life right now.”

Addison picked up her fork once more and peered across the table.  “Why don’t you try being her friend instead of constantly rubbing yourself against her? Even though if I remember correctly that does have a certain appeal.” Addison winked.

“How did you—“

“I do talk with her daily.”

“Does she talk---“

“About you? On occasion.”  Addison raised a brow. “Seems like to me that the only way to re-establish trust is to show you can be trusted. Nothing more trustworthy than a friend, right?”

Maura shook her head. “It just all seems so deceptive. Like I’m staging a coup.”

“There’s nothing deceptive about it. You’re being honest with yourself and her about what you want. As for staging a coup, you are Maura. You know what they say about love and war…blah…blah….blah.” Addison waved her hand as her words trailed off.

“I suppose.”  Maura muttered. It wasn’t being Jane’s friend that was the problem. It was Jane accepting her as such. “I-“

“You were friends before all of this happened. Best friends. Despite everything, even if she won’t admit it, she has to miss that just like I’m sure you do.”

“How did you know what I was thinking?”

Addison smiled. “I pay attention and I know you. I think I know Jane too.”

“I used to know her.”

“You still do. She probably hasn’t changed all that much.”

“If that were true, I wouldn’t need so much advice and all of this would be easier.”

“Oh please, I’m sure if you think about you won’t find a time where Jane gave into anything easily.”

Maura smiled at the complete accuracy of the statement. “Very true.”

“There’s too much between you two for her to throw away everything, and you need to show some god damned patience.”

“Jane’s mother said the same.”

“I knew she’d curse like a sailor. Jane had to get it from someone.”

“No, I mean about there being so many memories between us.”  Maura paused and peered at her untouched salad, remembering Jane’s kiss. It had been sensual, confusing and so full of pain. _What if I haven’t been going about this correctly? I do miss her terribly. Maybe holding part of her is better than the alternative._ A knot formed in Maura’s throat and fell into her stomach as it transformed to fear. “What if friendship is…?”  She couldn’t bring herself to finish.

“Then you suck it up; let nature take its course; and see where you end up.” Shining with honesty and old pain, blue eyes stared back at Maura.

A moment of silence surrounded them.

Maura could have wallowed in her own selfish fears, but there was time for that later. For now, she needed to see beyond it. “That’s what you did.”  It wasn’t a question. They both knew it to be a statement of fact.

“And I’m where I’m supposed to be.”

Maura cleared her throat and smiled sadly. “Where is that?”

Addison returned with a knowing smirk. “A friend to both of you. Yes, I’m lonely, but when I’m ready, I’ll open myself up to possibility of curing it.”

“Addison,” Maura said softly.

Instead of commenting, Addison reached across the table, taking Maura’s hand into her own. “Well, that’s what I’ve been up to. So, I’d say we’re caught up.”  She paused. “By the way, I’m leaving in a week.”

Maura blinked.

“Everything worked out for the patient I was consulting on, and I can’t stay here forever. I have a practice to get back to.”

A sudden panic ceased Maura. “You can’t! What are we supposed to do? Does Jane know?”

“Yes, I have to and no, she doesn’t. Now that both of you have your heads out of the sand, you know what you need to do.”

Maura sighed.  _She is always right._ “You have another life in L.A. that doesn’t include us. You’re going to be bored after everything that’s happened here.”

“More than likely, but there is always the phone. I’m sure I can stir the pot from there. Besides, I’m not gone yet. A lot could happen in a week.”

**

Jane watched from her desk as Maura threw her head back in laughter. With the help of Frost, there was little doubt in her mind that the events of the afternoon had become a tall tale of immense proportions. Jane rolled her eyes as her partner glanced her way. Still, he continued.

Jane’s gaze automatically went back to Maura only to find that green eyes were already watching her.  Maura looked heavenward and smiled softly as if she knew it as well.

The compulsion to return the gesture was overwhelming. Jane schooled her features and dipped her head instead.  Confused by the change in tactics, she continued to stare at Maura.  Jane swallowed as another compulsion grabbed and shook her.  She wanted to be the one telling Maura the story. She wanted to be the one making her laugh because she was the one who did it best. The loneliness from earlier that had become a pang went back to overwhelming.

 _I can’t trust what I’m feeling, none of it, and I know I can’t trust her._   Jane sighed inwardly. _But I want to otherwise I wouldn’t have kissed her and I wouldn’t have given her permission to make me into an even bigger mess than I already am._

Jane looked away as Frost rose from his chair, expecting to be Godsmacked by Maura’s presence.  After a few seconds, when he was the only one to grace her with his presence, Jane’s eyes shifted back to Maura who remained by Frost’s desk.  She poked at his things giving the impression of organizing. _What is she doing?_

“There’s a new cop bar, Kelly’s, it just opened over the weekend. It’s just a couple of blocks over on 53rd. Korsak is already on board. You in? We have to celebrate.”

“And what are we celebrating?”

“You being the conquering hero of course!”

“What? We have to go out now every time I make a bust?”

Frost sighed. “Only if there’s a new bar. Do you have to be such an irritating ass?”

“Yep, I do believe it’s in the genes.”  Jane answered.

“Whatever. You coming or not?”

 _What_ _else do I have to do tonight?_  “I guess.”

Frost grinned then continued to stare at her.

“What? Is something hanging out of my nose?”

“Nah, I would have just told you that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Maybe we should invite Maura.”

A dark brow rose without her permission. “By we… you mean me?”

He shrugged. “What can it hurt?”

Jane scoffed. “Are you kidding me?”   Alarmed by his request, she made no attempt to calm herself. “Do I need to remind you about everything that’s happened?”  She whispered harshly.




“No, and I don’t think she does either. Look, if you’re that scared, I’ll make sure one of us is sitting between you. Wouldn’t want her to bite or anything.”

“I’m not scared,” Jane growled through gritted teeth as fear and loneliness permeated every inch of her.

“Bullshit,” Frost growled back. “You don’t have to fuck her. She’s trying to be normal. Why can’t you?”

They glared at each other.

Jane felt herself giving in. Fear was prevalent but the loneliness won out this time.  _I can give in just this once. Doesn’t mean I lose everything._ “Fine.”

“Good. I’ll see you there in a few minutes.”

Then, they were alone except for the few stragglers that always remained on the later shift.  Jane stood and wiped sweaty hands on her slacks. _Don’t make this a big fucking deal Rizzoli. It doesn’t mean a damn thing._

Without a moments more hesitation, Jane put herself to task.  She walked up behind Maura, knowing that her presence was known. “He doesn’t get more organized, Maura. You coming?”

Maura swung around as if startled.  “Pardon?”

“There’s a new cop bar. I—we thought you might want to hang with us.”

“Yes, I would love to.”  Maura didn’t hesitate. After a few seconds of silence, she asked, “Are you sure this is okay? There hasn’t been much conversation between us.”

“No, I’m not, but the guys want you there. So…”

“What do you want?”

Jane’s stomach clenched.  “Don’t push it Maura.”

“I’m sorry. Where is this place?”

“Kelly’s on 53rd.”

Maura nodded.  “I’ll see you there.”

*

As Jane pulled into the parking lot, the temptation to flee became overwhelming once more. Somehow, Jane squashed it on the way over, but it reared its head once more. _Why not? She did it to me._   Jane tried to ignore the voice that told her she was better than that, but somehow it punched through.

She pushed her car door open with more force than was necessary. _What am I doing? Just what the hell am I doing?”_  Despite her inner war, Jane walked toward the entrance. Seeing Maura standing there gave her pause.  “Maura? You didn’t have to—“

Maura turned. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

Seeing the other woman’s anxiety, Jane pushed open the door. It sounded like every other bar they had been in. She squinted and panned the areas she could see.  Jane bit the inside of her cheek hard to keep from smiling but she couldn’t hide it from her voice. “Those are peanut shells, Maura, and no, they didn’t forget to clean them up.”

“Oh, I….are you making fun of me?”

Their eyes met. A bevy of history flowed between them, reminding Jane of all the laughter and all the good times.

Jane gave into it, smirking, and it felt damn good. “Yes, I am.”

Maura smiled in return. “Just confirming.”

“Mmm, can we go in now?”

“I suppose.”

They were barely inside before Maura stopped their progress.  “I don’t see—“

The smirk was fast becoming an all-out grin.  “It’s over there.”  Jane pointed at the area behind the bar. “It’s one hundred percent.”

“There is a possibility for it to be higher.”

“Uh huh.”  Jane scanned the room until she saw Korsak waving them over.

Maura slid into the seat beside Korsak while Jane took her place near Frost.

“So..”  Korsak cracked a peanut and shoved it into his mouth, leaving the shell on stark white paper that served as a table cloth. “Jane didn’t have to carry you in?”

Jane chuckled suddenly feeling a bit lighter.

Maura sighed. “Am I really that predictable concerning things of this nature?”

“Yes.” They all said together.

“Well, I can be spontaneous and impulsive on occasion. I think I’ll order a beer.”

Korsak snorted.

“They do have some craft beers that may be more to your taste,” Jane added. “Something with chocolate and coffee.”

“That actually sounds delicious.”

“Thought it would.” Jane mumbled as she cracked a peanut. When she looked up, Korsak and Frost were watching her with pride shining in her eyes. _Oh for fuck’s sake. Have I been that bad?_

Jane peered at Maura, seeing the surprise and pleasure light her face. _Well shit, I guess I have._   Deep down, she was shocked that it was so easy for her…for them to fall into old patterns.

“Korsak, you’ve heard of The Carpenters and The Captain and Tennille? That was around your time right?” Frost asked.

“Yeahhh, but where is this going and how do you—“

“Just trying to make the point that it’s old white people music.  Otherwise, don’t ask just know that he was singing it in the elevator today.” Jane interjected.

“I adored that song _Muskrat Love_ when I was a child. They are really the most adorable animals.” Maura stated.

Jane’s head turned so fast it was a wonder it wasn’t painful. “This coming from a person who owns a turtle.”

“Tortoise.”   Maura corrected.




“See! I’m not the only one!” Frost’s smile was huge as he got all the validation he needed.

“There is something wrong with all of you.”

“So Jane, I hear you beat up a fat guy.” Korsak deftly changed the subject.

Jane glared at her partner. Frost grinned in return.

“There was no beating involved.”

“Please, it was like something out of an action movie. Michael Bay would have been proud.” Frost contested.

“Really Jane, there’s no need to be modest. You’re among friends.” Maura stated as she held a single peanut between her thumb and forefinger. She put it back down almost immediately.

Jane met Maura’s gaze and saw the sincerity and hope shining through.  Momentarily, Jane allowed it to warm her and the loneliness abated.  “Yeah,” she cleared her throat. “I, uh, just used my reflexes. The wall did the rest.”

“Oh Oh! Don’t forget the cool one liner!” Frost exclaimed eagerly.

Jane groaned. “Jesus Christ.”

“No, it was better than that. Something about your job being done…”

“I don’t remember what I said!”

“See, I knew I should have recorded it on my phone.” Frost pouted.

“I’m ordering beer.”  Jane stared at Korsak and Frost. “You ordering beer? I think both of you need something to put in your mouths.”  She cracked another peanut and tossed it into her mouth.

“Fine,” Frost answered.

“Do they have a list of these craft beers.”

“Yeah, possibly.”  Jane caught the eye of a nearby waitress and waved her over.

Within seconds, the waitress stood at their table then squatted by Jane.  She glanced down at the woman’s name tag. “Uh, hey Candy. We’re ready to order.”

“You know my name but I’m at a disadvantage.”  Candy muttered.  For the first time, Jane noticed that she was blonde.

“Uhm, that’s because you have a name tag.”

“Bet if you did, you wouldn’t have to say a thing. Just point at it and women would follow you with no problem.”

Jane could feel the blood rush to her face and the snickering coming from beside her didn’t help matters at all. _Not too long ago, I would have been fucking this woman in the bathroom._   Jane took a quick glance at Maura to see her glaring at the Candy with murderous intent.  _Interesting…_  “That’s… nice.”

“It could be. I get off in an hour.”  Candy reached for Jane’s hand.

 _Do I just have butch stenciled in my forehead?_  Jane searched for an inkling of desire for Candy and found that she was sorely lacking. She pulled her hand away. “I’ll have Stella in a bottle. Bring the glass please. The guys will have Yuengling Light done the same way, and for the lady…  Jane paused waiting for Maura’s gaze to meet hers. When it did, she continued. “She’ll have a beer list unless you know of something darker and sweeter than me?”

Frost wheezed beside her, and Jane wondered if he had inhaled a peanut.

Maura’s eyes twinkled and a tiny smile graced her lips.

It was enough to warm Jane from the inside out. _Damn it! Talk about being caught up in the moment. I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t mean a damn thing. I didn’t…_ Jane attempted to beat back the emotion with her words. It wasn’t effective at all.

Candy left without a word.

“Smart. She would have probably tried to spit in it.” Frost said.

“My thoughts exactly.” Jane countered.

“Should I just venture back and get my own?” Maura asked to a tide of laughter.

“Probably,” Korsak chuckled. “Blame it on Casanova over there.”

“I think Jane conducted herself beautifully.”

“You’re biased as hell, Maura.” Korsak added.

Jane sighed. _I knew this was probably a bad idea._   Discreetly, she peered at Maura. _“I’m sure she thinks that she’s won some major battle tonight._   Green eyes caught Jane’s but she looked away. “ _I’m not so sure she hasn’t._

**

After Maura said her goodbye’s to Frost and Korsak, she headed for the ladies’ room intent on doing the same with Jane.  She could have waited but the moment alone was too hard to resist.  Addison had been right, Jane didn’t do things easily, but when chose to engage she did so without hesitation.  Still, Maura did sense the hesitation and the panic, but Jane continued.

The couple of hours spent had seemed like a backward trip through time and Maura was forever grateful for it. _It was the most enjoyable time I’ve had in ages._ Maura committed it to memory because she had no idea what Jane’s long term reaction would be to this. _For a moment, we were friends again._

Maura stopped in front of the bathroom door, analyzing the looks that passed between them and the warmth that seemed to blanket her.  _I suppose all of that could quantify as nature taking its course and Addison as a saint._

She pushed the door open and found Jane at the sink, washing her hands. Their eyes met in the mirror.  Just like that, Maura could see the wariness return and the walls go up.

“Will you alter your expression if I agree to stay over here?”  Maura asked loudly beyond caring that they had an audience.

Someone pushed on the door, dislodging Maura who moved but maintained the distance between them.  Maura ignored the patrons coming in and out.

“There are no crumbs for me to brush away.”

The wariness left. “Is that your way of saying you’ll keep your hands to yourself?”

“Yes, I believe it is.”

“Well, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it.”  There was an unguarded flash of heat in Jane’s eyes, but it disappeared just as quickly as it came.

Maura held her ground and swallowed as her stomach fluttered pleasurably. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy doing it.”

For several seconds, they said nothing as others milled around them

Jane was the first to look away. Maura expected it.  “I was leaving, and I wanted to say thank you for tonight. It almost seemed like… old times.”

Jane nodded. “It did. I felt it too. It was almost—“

“Easy,” Maura finished for her.

“Yes.”

“I miss it.”

Jane turned away.  A muscle clenched in her jaw.  “So…do I.”

Maura released the breath she had no idea was being stifled. It felt stupendous to end the night clean. “I… Good night.”

Jane moved away from the sink and made her way toward the door. Stopping a few inches from Maura, she muttered. “Good night.”

 

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**

Sitting her water glass down with a muted thud, Jane coughed violently in attempts to clear her airway.  After a few more seconds of strain, she asked, “I’m sorry. What?” 

Addison sighed. “I’m leaving in a few days.”

“Why?”  A heaviness seeped into Jane’s stomach.

“I have a life in L.A., and there’s no wedding. There’s no reason for me to stay.”

Jane blinked. An ominous feeling crept up her spine. “You…you can’t. What am I supposed to do without you?” The words tumbled out of her in an excited rush.

Addison’s smile was radiant. “Gosh, you do know how to make a girl feel good. I’ll miss you too. I’m only a phone call away.”

Looking away, Jane stared down into her plate. _This is going to sound selfish as hell, but…_    “I don’t have anyone else Addison. A phone call isn’t enough.”

“Bullshit, Jane.”  Addison wiped her mouth with a napkin and threw it on the table. “You don’t want to have anybody else. What about your family? Frost? Korsak?”

“They don’t understand. I-“

“Because you won’t let them.”

“I-“  _Fuck all. She’s right._   “It’s not as easy as you make it sound.”

“Mmm, it never is, but answer a question for me?”

They stared at each other, and Jane could tell by the determined glint in Addison’s eye that it wasn’t going to be a pleasant exchange.  “Okayyy.” She answered reluctantly. _Here we go. Have to ready for any damn thing with her._

“Where are you sleeping at night? I came over and guess what? There was no Jane.”

 _Ah shit._   Jane swallowed.   “Uh…the precinct.”  She whispered.

“So…you complain about not having anyone else but you’re isolating yourself? I know the nights are the worse for you.”

Going on the defensive, Jane countered. “Look, I hear what you’re saying but I’ve got to work through this on my own.”

“That I can understand, but are you really working through it or are you avoiding it?”

Jane opened her mouth intent on continuing her defense tactics, but she floundered.  “Well…Maura went out with me and the guys the other night.”

“Huh, I know. Was it you’re idea?”

“Well…no, but—“

“Then you’re just going to hide in your little hole until this all blows over?”

 _Well fuck!_   Jane felt as if a huge spotlight was shining down on her, highlighting every tiny cut, scrape and bruise, making them stand out in sharp relief for the whole world to see. All animals retreated to lick their wounds, but at the moment, Jane’s were exposed and oozing. Panicking slightly, she grasped at straws until she found one, hoping for momentary relief. “How did you know?  You talked to Maura. Playing both sides, Addison?”

A tiny smirk appeared, as if she could see right through Jane’s diversion. “I never stopped. You know that. There’s nothing wrong with being a friend to both of you.”

“True.”

“And God, when this works out and you guys are feeling generous, I’m not opposed to threesomes.”

Jane rolled her eyes, but it was for from an unpleasant picture. She was a hot blooded woman after all. “You’re trying to keep me off balance on purpose.”

“I am. Wasn’t that a wicked image?”

“I’m not answering that.”

“Okay then. Are you going to hide in your hole until it’s all over?”  Addison’s grin was triumphant.

 _Damn it._ “You would have made a good cop.”

“Uh huh.”

“What did she say?”  The question was out of Jane’s mouth before she could stop it.

Addison’s grin widened exponentially. “She said that she misses you and it was almost like old times.”  She answered softly.

“I…”

“Miss her too? It’s okay you can say it.”

 _I do._ “Addison.” Jane’s tone was full of exasperation, but it was the gentle kind.

“Jane.”

“This is why I need you here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I obviously don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

An auburn brow rose. “And I give the impression that I do?”

“Yeah, a damn good impression.”

Addison sighed. “I still have to go, but she’s trying, Jane.  It’s a damn sight more than what she was doing before.”

“What? You mean the hurting me?”

“I do.”

“She’s trying. Is that supposed to mean something to me?”

Addison stared. “Did you forget who you’re talking to? I know it does.”

“Well, no matter what happened the other night. I don’t know who she is. I stopped knowing weeks ago.”

“She’s still Maura.”

“No, fuck that! The Maura I knew would never hurt me on purpose. This one did.”  It was an odd feeling, going from one extreme, missing her, to the other --disliking Maura and hating herself for the mess their lives had become. Jane wished desperately for stability in her emotions but for the moment, refused to acknowledge that she was the only one who could make that wish come true.

“Yes, she was a coward, but you don’t think it hurt her to do it? You don’t think it hurt her to find out we were fucking? What about this… you don’t think it hurt her to break Peter’s heart?”

They glared at each other.

“That’s not the point.” Jane growled.

“It’s a major point and you fucking know it. Maura’s hurting too, and the only difference is she’s trying to move past it and fix it.  What are you doing?”

“Trying to fucking protect myself!”

“From her?”

“Yes!” Jane’s tone was incredulous.  “What else? It’s like she’s chipping away at me every time I see her, talk to her. I can’t let her in, Addison. If she pulls this shit again, there won’t be anything of me left.”

“There’s barely anything now!”  Addison reached out, covering Jane’s hand with her own.   It settled Jane minutely.




“You know her. The way she looks at you…touches you…she wants this. This isn’t a game.” Addison implored.

"It never was." Jane murmured. The fight seeped from her muscles. A sense of hoplessness encroached. There was no way to go backward but the past sitll loomed. Jane could only go forward where the future was a daunting unknown.




“Look at me, and tell me you don’t want her…you don’t miss her.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Then do something about it. There’s no way to make a clean break, Jane. So, what’s your other choice?”

Jane gritted her teeth but said nothing. There was no need. Jane finally understood that she had to work with the hand she was dealt. It could either destroy her or she could rebuild it and win everything. She peered down into her plate. The contents there were just as unappealing as the bile rising in her throat. It was a bitter pill, but Addison did well in shoving it down her throat.

“I know this is something you have  to think about, but right now, you need to make the decision whether you’re going to be cordial or not.”

Totally confused by the statement, Jane glanced upward. “What?”

“You have to decide whether you’re going to be an asshole or not. Maura just walked through the door.”

Jane’s eyes must have widened.

“Surprise?” Addison muttered and shrugged unapologetically.

Jane whipped her head around, seeing Maura’s approach live and in color. Their eyes met, and Maura stopped mid stride. A hundred different emotions chased themselves across her features, and Jane recognized them all. The most prevalent was fear.

With Addison’s words still fresh, Jane’s body took on a mind of its own.  Her brain screamed bloody murder, but not one inch of her listened.  As Maura turned to retreat, Jane rose from her chair. In a mad dash, she reached out to Maura, grabbing her by the forearm.

The decision had been made even though it didn’t exactly meet the definition of cordial.

Now facing each other, Jane’s sense of self-preservation returned ordering her to step away, but it was to no avail.  The air crackled to life around them, and Jane’s fingertips burned, as the heat simmered just under the surface.

Green eyes flashed with fear.  “I-I didn’t kn—“

“I know, Maura.”  Whereas before, Jane reveled in Maura’s pain, the anguish she saw before her made her stomach roll in unpleasant waves.

Somehow they both glanced in Addison’s direction simultaneously. All they got in return was a smile and a contrite wave.

“I can just leave.”  Maura swallowed. “Please? I don’t want to ruin what we got back the night before.” She pleaded.

For some reason, the statement took Jane’s breath away. They **had** made progress despite her protests earlier. She peered deep into green eyes, searching for truth. _Maura, I want to believe you._

“Please, Jane , I—“

“It’s okay,” Jane whispered. While her head continued to bellow restraint, Jane’s heart made the decision for her. “Stay.” Through all the insanity of the past weeks, in the past few moments, Jane had never felt saner.

“Are you…sure?”  Maura’s tone was hesitant, hopeful.

Of its own volition, Jane’s hand trailed downward. She brushed Maura’s fingertips as it finally dropped to her side. “Yeah.”  Tingles traveled up Jane’s arm and the remaining current pooled into her belly.

For a moment, time stood still, and Jane wallowed in the magnetic pull that existed between them, leaving her breathless and wanting.  

For a moment, Jane couldn’t remember why they fought or why they hurt. 

She just wanted it all to stop.

Green eyes were stormy and intense. Maura took a step forward, invading Jane’s space and spreading her own brand of warmth.  It was written plainly all over Maura’s face. She could feel it too. “Thank you…Jane.”

Reality encroached slowly, but Jane made a silent vow to hold on to sanity as long as possible. Jane closed her eyes at the raw emotion dripping from Maura’s words. When she opened them again, Maura’s expression was filled with such tenderness and longing that it slammed into Jane’s gut reminding her of all she wanted.  _God, Maura._

“Yeah,” Jane added thickly, knowing that another chip of her armor had just fallen away without the slightest bit of permission. With wobbly legs, Jane sank back into her seat. She took a few seconds to right her world after the sudden tilt. There were many things to contemplate, but first, Jane decided to deal with her red headed friend.

As if it were a tribunal, they sat on either side of Addison, glaring at her accusingly. Her smile was crooked and blue eyes twinkled as if she were proud of herself.  “Well…isn’t this cozy. It’s so nice to see you two in the same room together.”

“It’s also the oldest trick in the book,” Jane barked.

“It’s still useful obviously. Both of you fell for it.”

“Addison, I don’t appreciate being manipulated.”  Maura was flushed and her eyes flashed with anger.

“Please, if I hadn’t been for manipulation, you’d be married by now.”

Jane glanced at Maura just in time to see her flinch. Feeling suddenly protective, she added, “Now wait a fucking minute here! You don’t need to talk to her like that.”

Two sets of eyes, glittering in surprise, turned toward Jane.

Addison’s eyebrows shot upward and her smile was big enough to engulf all of Boston. “You never minded me being blunt before, but I’ll try to be nice just for you.”

Jane bristled. _Well, I played right into her hands on that one._ Then, she peered at Maura and saw a combination of things: a flash of hope, heat, and thanks. A highlight reel formed in Jane’s mind, reminding her of all the times she defended Maura and vice versa. The tiny smile on Maura’s face all but confirmed that she was on the same trek.

“Ahem,” Addison cleared her throat then coughed.

It broke them from their reverie.

Maura was the first to come back to the present. “Did you actually believe this was the appropriate thing to do?”

“No, not at all. I would never let a thing like that bother me.”

“Obviously,” Jane added.  “What was the point of this little stunt?”

Addison reached for her drink and took a long pull from it. Sighing in satisfaction, she muttered, “It’s so nice to see you two come together over a common cause.”

As if by some unwritten mutual agreement, Jane’s eyes met Maura’s before she skittered away, but the imprint remained like a physical touch. As her head cleared, realization dawned.  “And that’s what you wanted.” Jane stated.

Addison shrugged. “Pretty much.”

Flabbergasted, Jane could only shake her head. “You are a piece of fucking work.”  She was angry, but it felt almost like the token form of the emotion, superficial and waning.

“I agree. Sans the expletive.”  Maura added.

“Mm, thank you. I do try.”

“God dammit, Addison. What do you do?  Just pull this shit out of your ass and just hope it smells okay?”

“I—“  Addison paused. “What?”

“She’s asking if you bother to think things through.” Maura answered.

“Good translation. You obviously know her well.”

 _She’s the only one who does._   Jane thought.

Maura refused to look at either of them but Jane saw pain in her expression.

“Look, you can’t seriously be mad at me. You guys should expect this from me. I meddled at the beginning. Why the fuck would I stop now?”

Jane sighed.  She was tired…tired of the push and pull of her own emotions and tired of not knowing which end was up. “I guess. I’m not. Nothing should shock me anymore, least of all you.”

“Maura?”  Addison asked.

“I’m here, Addison, and I still don’t appreciate what you’ve done.”

“Noted.”

A cell phone rang.

When Jane’s thigh began to vibrate, she knew it was hers. After fishing in her pocket, she saw a familiar number.  “Rizzoli.”

A second later, Jane heard in the background. “Dr. Isles.”

“On my way.”  Jane glanced at Addison. “We have to cut lunch short.”

Maura had already risen from her chair.

“Rain check?” Addison asked. Her gazed passed between them.

“No more surprises?” Jane countered.

“It’s a legitimate question.” Maura added.

Addison sighed. “Fine. I’ll talk to you both later.”

Nodding, Jane waved Maura ahead of her. Silently, they left the restaurant.

**

“Well, damn.”  Addison muttered. She picked up a fork and speared at the contents on Jane’s plate.  Chewing slowly, she acknowledged. _That went a lot better than I thought it would._ Upon seeing them together, Addison learned everything she needed to know. Whether they wanted to or not, they were making their way back to each other.The destination was set _._ Addison could only hope that there was nothing left in the path to derail them. Well….except for each other. _I’ll kill them if they fuck this up. No one will ever find the bodies._

Addison peered at the door. A pang of loneliness settled in her belly.  She shook it free because over the past few weeks, her life had become a whole lot richer. She smirked. Maura had been right. It was going to be extremely boring without them. “But hopefully, they are going to do just fine without me.”

**

Quiet surrounded them as Jane followed Maura to her car, but for the first time in a long while it was on the other side of comfortable.  Jane was aware of the veiled looks Maura was throwing her way and made the decision to address them.  “It’s okay, Maura. I’m not going to bite your head off.”

“I know. Did Addison say something to deter you?”  Maura turned to Jane as they reached their destination.

“Possibly, but maybe I’m feeling generous. Maybe I’m feeling a lot of things.”  Jane peered down at her feet. The conversation with Addison played like a loop in her head.

“Did you feel—“

Jane swallowed. “Yeah, I…did.”  She looked up and into Maura’s eyes. “I felt every nanosecond of it,” Jane whispered.  _My God what is wrong with me?  It’s like I have emotional diarrhea or something. It needs to stop._

Maura gasped. Her faced flushed in pleasure. She stepped forward, and Jane could see her trembling with the need to reach out and touch.

Part of Jane wanted her to with a vehemence that was shocking. As her stomach twisted in reaction, the truth fell from her lips. “You get under my skin. You always have and you obviously always will.”  Jane heart thudded. She couldn’t help herself. The look on Maura’s face was addictive.

“Why are you telling me all of this?”

“Fuck if I know. I’ll probably take it all back later, so be prepared.”  Jane could hear the exasperation in her own voice.

Maura actually smiled at the comment. “I’ve learned that I have to be where you’re concerned and be able to give it back to you tenfold.”

Jane paused. “Tenfold?  Is that your fancy way of saying that you’re going to give as good as you get?”

“Yes, it is.”

Jane looked away. Emotion clogged her throat. _This is so much easier than trying to hate her and so much more scary._ “I’ll see you at the crime scene.”

Maura nodded.

**

Frost’s eyes burned a hole in the back of Jane’s head. It was almost disconcerting. “Shouldn’t you be paying more attention to the crime scene than me?”

“If I miss something, you’ll get it.”

“You instill such confidence.” Jane peered over her shoulder as they walked toward one of the various members of CSU.

His eyes narrowed.  “Been hanging out with Maura today?” Frost asked as he caught up with her.

“I see her all the time.”   Jane groaned inwardly, knowing that questions were coming.




“Yeah, but seeing her and seeing her are two different things. I mean a ‘personal visit’.” His hands clawed at the air.

“Is there a point to this shitty conversation?”

“Before all this craziness started, when you guys hung out, sometimes you’d come back talking funny.” Frost answered.

“What?!”

“Using words like instill.  I guess I should have realized something was wrong when that stopped. Silly me.”

“Fucked up you is more like it.”

They both stopped and examined a numbered piece of possible evidence. There was a few seconds of blissful silence, and Jane wiped her forehead. The heat had gone from hot as fuck to sweltering.

“Maura looks good today.”  Frost muttered nonchalantly.

Hearing the name brought Jane’s eyes to the person in question.  Momentarily distracted, Jane watched as Maura examined the body.

“Hmm.”

Jane glanced at Frost assuming he had seen something she did not only to find his eyes on her.  “Will you stop that!”

“When you tell me what’s going on.”

Jane sighed and rolled her eyes. “You’re not going to leave me alone are you?”

Frost smiled. “Nope.”

“We got roped into lunch and we talked. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what I want it to mean. Okay?”

“Now was that so hard? The dead guy has my full attention now.”

“You know, sometimes you just make my asshole itch.”

“That may be hemorrhoids, but don’t lie. You love me.”  His grin was toothy.

 _Yeah, but you see way too much._ “I’m going over there now.”  Jane pointed at a member of the coroner’s office.  “Please don’t follow.”

  
**

Maura was supremely distracted by the events of the last hour. It was only digging deep into years of professionalism that enabled her to focus on the matter at hand.  She felt a slight buzz as if wine had been involved, but Maura knew it was only hope allowing her to fly so high.

She took a sample of the grass from underneath the body.  Maura glanced up at one of her assistants. “Make sure to get a sample of creek water as well.”

He nodded and walked away.

 _Jane’s right. I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but somehow, she seems less conflicted. Thank you Addison even if your ways are unorthodox._   Maura recalled her own crisis, remembering the extremes of her emotions. The lack of equilibrium had been frightening and she had wanted nothing more but for her heart and mind to make a mutual decision.

Maura waved CSU over pointing at the splashes and pools of blood.  She peered up at the sun. It was at its zenith and baking everything underneath it. It wasn’t the only thing that was scorching. The heat between them had been blistering. Her stomach cramped pleasantly as Maura allowed life to teem through her as she attempted to solve the riddle of death.  At the moment, the only thing that Maura feared was never feeling it again.

Glancing upward, Maura watched as Jane and Frost roamed the crime scene. The confidence that was Jane seemed to radiate and it barely scratched the surface of who she really was.  Maura swallowed. She wanted to take things slowly. She wanted to solidify their friendship, relive the good times and make more. But she also wanted to run to her, strip down the walls and expose them both to the raw need that always surrounded them.

_Patience. I have to follow her lead._

“We’re ready to move him, Dr. Isles.”

Maura nodded.  “I’ll see you back at the office.”

*

After being cleaned up, John Doe’s wounds were more garish than ever.  “There are splinters in the head wound and the damage indicates he was hit multiple times with a blunt wooden object.”  Maura pointed toward the area.

“Two by four?  Branch from a tree?”  Frost asked.

“Bat.”

“Bat.”

Jane and Maura answered simultaneously.  Maura looked up. Brown eyes seemed to twinkle back at her as they shared a moment. Even though it was minute, it was delicious and Maura filled it away to contemplate later.  “Jane? Would you like to do the honors?”

Jane nodded. She pointed at the wound. “You can see the impression.”  Her tone was husky and commanding as always.

“Now, see. You’re the one that instills confidence.”  Frost grinned.

Jane’s eyes narrowed.

Maura watched the exchange with amusement. “If you come around to my side, I have something else to show you.”

There was no hesitation.  Jane’s shoulder brushed her own, and Maura shivered in reaction. She had no desire to hide her response.  _I don’t want to hide anything from her … not anymore._ Deep brown eyes studied her intensely.

Frost coughed.

Maura jolted. “Sorry.”  She rolled John Doe on his side.  “It appears to be the imprint of a shoe.”

Frost leaned forward. “Is that a Nike swoosh?”

“Looks like.”  Jane’s tone was subdued.

“Well that narrows it down to a couple of million.”  Frost added.

“There could be something unique about it. CSU is already searching.”

“Then, I guess we’d better get to work too.”  Jane husked.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Frost agreed.

Maura watched silently as they exited the morgue. Her breath caught when Jane peered over her shoulder, catching her gaze.  Her eyes were unreadable, but Maura knew there was meaning behind it.

_Patience._

**

Jane pushed a tired hand through her hair.  She wanted nothing more than to sleep, but her mind whirred.  She sighed, knowing that her thoughts were fixed and were going to torture her through the night, and the fact that she was about to rest on a cot increased the torture.

She opened the door and cringed at the loud creek that sounded as she closed it. _Got to do something about…_     Jane’s eyes widened and everything even her thoughts ground to a halt as she scanned the room.

Each bunk sported a glaringly new mattress, and Jane's bed was made and covered with dark sheets and the fluffiest pillows she had ever seen. “Well, shit.”   Her chest burned. Moving toward the sight, Jane saw the envelope sitting in the middle of the bed.




With trembling fingers, she opened it.

 

_It was a given that we’d always look out for each other. I faltered, but I won’t again._

_I promise you, and since I’m responsible for putting you here, I thought you should at least be comfortable._

_Maura_

 

Jane closed her eyes and sank bonelessly onto the mattress. The burn turned into a full blown ache.  “Damn you, Maura.”

**

Maura entered the parking garage.  She rubbed the bridge of her nose hoping that it would stave off the headache forming. It had been a long day, but a productive one on every front.  She had engaged in more conversation with Jane today than they had in weeks.  It was only one of the many things that gave her hope.

Her phone rang.

Maura sighed in irritation and didn’t bother to check the caller ID.  “Dr. Isles.”

“Are you still in the building?”

Maura stopped mid stride. Awareness slammed her, electrifying her from head to toe.  “Jane?”  She asked breathlessly.

“Yeah. You going to answer my question?”

The husky burr did things to her that she would never understand. _Dear God._  Her mind screamed even though she didn’t believe in any deity.   “I—yes.  I’m in the parking garage.”

A charged silence lapsed between them.

“Don’t leave. Let’s go out for a drink.”

Maura’s stomach fluttered.  Her headache was gone and in its place was pure anticipation. “All right.”

“Wait for me.”

 _Always Jane._   “Hurry.”  Maura muttered. She could hear the desperate edge in her voice but didn’t care.

“On my way.”

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**

Bending forward over the sink, Addison continued to brush and blow dry long red tresses. Her mind wandered. _Maybe it’s time for a change._ She snorted thinking of the many things in her life that needed to be rectified.  Shutting off the blow dryer, she flipped luxurious locks over her shoulders. _Let’s start with the hair and then we’ll move on to surrounding myself with people who understand me more._

Addison assessed herself from different angles. “Should I go shorter?”  She leaned closer and smirked. “Nah, why mess with perfection.”   After studying her reflection for several more seconds, Addison ignored the taunting voice whispering about perfection and acknowledgement of others. Habitual loneliness encroached. _Well shit, this is why I don’t do introspection that often. It’s obviously bad for you._




Her cell phone chirped. _Maybe this is my update._   She glanced over at the text, and auburn brows scrunched in confusion.  Addison didn’t recognize the number nor did the text make sense.

**_You were right…_ **

She clicked on it.

**_You were right. Ur ex-husband is an ass._ **

“What the hell?”  It was signed MG.  Addison’s eyes widened. How did Meredith Grey get her number? Before she could analyze it further, curiosity got the better of her.  **_Did we meet on astral plane and bond? Cuz that’s only place we wuld b friends._**

Addison only had to wait a few seconds for a response.

**_We culd be now that we have somthng in common._ **

Addison laughed out loud at the unmitigated gall.

**_It’s shocking what lives under all that hair._ **

Addison laughed again. She could almost see the smirk on Meredith’s face. This was just way too odd for her to handle first thing in the morning.  **_Uh huh I’m leaving the bizzaro world now._**   Addison peered at her phone, waiting an eternity for a reply. When none was forthcoming, she chided herself for expecting more. It was Meredith Grey after all and Addison refused to dwell on it. She had bigger fish to fry.

**

Maura leaned against the counter and peered over her now tepid cup of coffee. She drank it anyway but the bitterness filling her mouth could do nothing to wipe the smile from her face. She had tried for an hour to sober herself, but the bubble of happiness refused to burst. There had been an inevitable shift between them last night and it was for the better.  Maura took another big gulp of the stale liquid and sat her cup down. The memories were so vivid and new that she could reach out to touch them.

 

_Maura’s breath came out in a mighty whoosh as the elevator dinged. Jane exited a few seconds later with her hands deep in her pockets and moving with hesitant swagger. When they were within just a few inches of each other, Jane halted her progression._

_“Hey.”_

_Maura took a step forward. “Hi.”  Awareness sparked between them with a current strong enough to ripple over every ounce of skin. Maura savored the feeling._

_“Purple’s my favorite color.” Jane husked._

_“I know.”_

_“What else do you know?” Brown eyes glowed with intensity._

_“That I miss you.”_

_Jane swallowed. For a few seconds, the air between them became even heavier, and Maura nearly ripped the skin from her body to keep from closing the distance between them._

_“You mean it. Don’t you?” Jane asked._

_“Every word.”_

_Their eyes met and a myriad of emotions sizzled between them._

_“Thank you.”  Jane whispered._

_“For?”_

_“The bedding and the note.”_

_“I meant every word of that as well.”_

_“I know. I believe you.”  Jane muttered._

_Something burst inside Maura at those words and dribbled warmly all along her insides. It left her breathless._

_Brown eyes seemed to become even darker. Jane looked away as if it were all becoming too much. “Can we…go now?”_

_Awkwardness and heat surrounded them, and Maura was tired of it infringing. Humor and familiarity were her only weapons against it for the moment. She smiled. “Anywhere but Kelly’s. There’s something about peanut shells crunching under my feet that doesn’t sit well with me.”_

_Jane grinned slowly. The gesture seemed to clear the air even more. “Elitist.”_

_“Possibly.”_

_The tension between them remained, coiled and ready to strike, but the intensity of it lessened minutely, allowing for a sense of ease to enter the air. As if by mutual decision, they ambled toward Maura’s car._

_“Fine. I know a place with sawdust instead.”_

_“No.”  Maura deadpanned._

_“And country music.”_

_“No.”_

_“Okay. Then, let me drive. It will just have to be a surprise.”_

_Maura fished for her keys. “I suppose I can trust you just this once.”_

_  
_

_*_

Maura fast forwarded to get to her favorite parts.

 *

 

_Maura held up the beer list and pointed at one in particular.  “What do you think of the Vanilla Porter?”_

_“I’m a purist. That and the fact that you’re drinking beer again is disturbing.”_

_“I like to try new things on occasion.”_

_“Since when?”  Jane asked._

_“Since you made fun of me.”_

_“That wasn’t me. Korsak started it.”_

_“That isn’t how I remember it and he isn’t here to defend himself…”  Maura added._

_“So by default, I get the blame?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Your logic is flawed.”_

_“Logic is never flawed.”  Maura countered._

_Jane rolled her eyes. “I need to be drunk if we’re going to have a philosophical discussion.”_

_Maura smiled as warmth continued to roll through her. It was amazing that they somehow settled into routine once more.  It was as if they craved it and had no choice but to give in. “There’s no need. Vanilla Porter it is.”  Maura paused. “Would you like me to order just in case Candy works here too?”_

_Confusion crossed Jane’s face but it cleared rapidly. She smirked. “Very funny.”  Brown eyes twinkled and Jane seemed to glow. “I got it.”_

_As Jane talked to the waitress, Maura studied her. It was then that she understood the glow was there for a reason. Just as she was, Jane was relishing every single moment of normalcy between them. The awkwardness that seemed to plague them was pushed far to the side humming quietly but minutely. Maura wished it would stay there. “Addison will be proud.”_

_“Of us, you mean?”_

_“Yes. She’s going to think her little stunt worked.” Maura answered._

_“Didn’t it?”  Jane’s tone was thoughtful._

_“Did you want it too?”_

_“I suppose. I probably wouldn’t be here otherwise.”_

_“I thought that was a testament to me?”_

_Jane went silent but her gaze never wavered. “It is.”_

_Maura bit her lip to keep from grinning, but she was unable to stop it for long._

_“What? What are you smiling about?” Jane’s lips quirked as if it were contagious._

_More honest now than she’d ever been before, Maura let the truth fly. “You. Us. This just feels…” Maura trailed off searching for the right words. “I know you’re not there yet and I know that you might never be…”_

_“I don’t know where I am, Maura, but right now, this feels good as hell. I guess I needed it, and can I just say that I hate Addison?  How is she always right?”_

_Maura’s smile widened. “We don’t have to tell her.”_

_Their drinks arrived._

_Jane snorted. “She’ll know. That bitch knows everything.”_

_Maura took a swig from her bottle._

_A dark brow rose._

_“Isn’t it supposed to taste different right from the bottle?” Maura asked._

_“Yeah, I’m just surprised you didn’t wipe it down first.”_

_In a perfect parody of Jane, a blond brow rose. “Doesn’t that make you proud?”_

_Jane laughed._

_It was the most glorious sound in creation._

_“Yeah, I guess it does.”  Jane answered._

_*_

_  
_

Maura pushed away from the counter and poured the remains from her cup into the sink. She had no need for caffeine on this day. Maura was ready to face the world knowing that a piece of the puzzle slid in place last night. She hoped vehemently that it stayed that way. Each time they talked. Each time they laughed. They created new memories to add a list that was already abundant. The good ones had always tipped the scale, but lately Maura knew that the balance had been precarious. _That’s my doing._  

Maura searched her herself and only found Jane there.  Her dedication to bring them back online had not waned in the least. It had only grown stronger like the need that pulsed through her veins filling her with liquid heat. Maura was awed by her ability to feel such strength in emotion and still function.  As she entered the living area, Maura stopped.  _Maybe my feelings for her gives me the strength I need to do everything I thought I couldn’t._ She shook her head. It sounded so cliché, and cliché was something that she was not. Her smile returned, and Maura decided that maybe it was just another side of her that lay dormant until Jane came along. Collecting her things for the day, Maura looked forward to learning even more about herself especially if it brought her closer to her goal.

**

Jane took a deep breath as she turned the knob. The door opened without a sound.  She entered slowly, expecting to be overwhelmed with each step.  It usually only took a few seconds for panic to seize her, making her collect clothing and other personal items as quickly as possible. It came but it was only a far away hum compared the mind numbing tingle that usually bombarded her.

Moving further into the living room, Jane wanted to attribute the change to time and space, but she knew that was far from the truth. For each decimated section of her armor that was removed by Maura’s hand, there was a prickle of fear, but greater still a piece of equilibrium had returned.  _Maura._   Jane was flooded with images and feelings from the night before. When she peered at the couch, it wasn’t a piece of furniture. It was where they shared pizza, Thai food and laughter.

Jane swallowed. _It could happen again if I let it. Just like last night._ Making her way into the kitchen, Jane stopped at the part of the counter that held the coffee maker.  After Hoyt and the first night Maura had slept over, she had teased Jane telling her that it was ironic that a cop couldn’t make a decent cup of coffee. Almost smirking, Jane continued her inspection. She could almost see Maura leaning against the counter with a glass of wine in hand watching and talking to her as she poured food from containers to plates.

Taking a deep breath, Jane found she was still able to breathe and while her heart beat strongly it wasn’t about to burst from her chest. Feeling brave, Jane went to the master bedroom.  She flipped on the light and the deep breath that was so easy before stilted.  For long minutes, she stared at the bed and could almost see herself watching Maura as she slept.  She could see her tracing each feature with her eyes; whispering over them with soft fingertips; and marveling at the softness she found there.

Jane closed her eyes and shuddered. It had to be impossible to feel that deeply for someone, but she was evidence to the contrary. _It could be real. It could all be real._   All she had to do was throw away the anger, the resentment and all the doubt.  All she had to do was trust her heart even though it had been wrong before.

She sat down on the bed and rubbed a shaking hand over the bedding.  Last night had been warm and cozy. It was all that they used to be. There had also been an awareness firing in the air, heating it, and reminding her of all they could be.  _I don’t have to decide today. I can’t decide today._

Her cell phone rang and the tune was hauntingly familiar.

Sluggishly, Jane fished it from her pocket.  She peered at the ID for confirmation and groaned inwardly. It was the last person she wanted to her from and the first person she needed. Still, she was compelled to answer.  “Maura.” She husked.

“I wasn’t even aware of dialing your number until it flashed across my screen. Then, I was committed.”  Maura was breathless.

“I’m not sure how to respond to that,” Jane murmured honestly.

“Maybe I just needed to hear your voice.”

A tingle traveled all the way to Jane’s fingertips, leaving her electrified,  but she said nothing. _You’re killing me Maura._

“I’ve obviously said too much. I—“

“No… you didn’t. I had a good time last night.”  Jane led with the truth. “I didn’t expect you to say something like that. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.”  _I hate this awkward shit. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to someone I just met but I can’t help pouring my heart out to._

“I-I had a good time too.”  Maura’s voice quivered. “I hate this awkwardness between us. It comes and it goes whenever it sees fit.”

“I was thinking the same thing, but I figure the more we talk…and stuff the easier it will get.”

“Do you want to?  See me? Talk to me?”

 _I want everything from you Maura._ “I don’t think I have a choice. It happens whether I want to or not.” It was the safer thing to say.

“Do you want to?” Maura asked in a hushed whisper full of emotion.

“I—yes.” The words fell from Jane’s lips before she could even think them.  _Oh shit._  Again, her heart spoke before her brain could catch up. “It doesn’t mean—“

“I know. I know what it doesn’t mean.” Maura added. “I brought breakfast. You can share it with me or there’s enough for Frost if there’s where you’d rather be.”  She muttered, changing the subject.

“I’m at home right now.”

“Your home?”

“Yeah. I don’t really know what made me come here. It was a trip down memory lane I couldn’t afford before. When I look at my couch all I can see is you patting your pizza with a paper towel and griping about saturated fat.”

“It’s a killer.”

“So am I if you piss me off enough.”

Maura’s abrupt laughter made Jane smile.

“The memories bothered you…”

“Yeah, I just didn’t understand how something that good could go that bad.”

“I take responsibility for that. Saying I’m sorry just isn’t enough. I have to match my words with my actions. That didn’t happen before.”

Jane hoped her silence served as agreement.  Maura’s eyes screamed need and her body sang it. Jane thought it couldn’t get clearer or more overwhelming.

“How do you feel about the memories now?”

“I’m here. I guess that says a lot.  I guess that says I’m home.”

**

Maura’s eyes widened upon seeing Addison swirling in Jane’s chair. The eye of every cop present was trained on her.  Maura sighed, knowing that Addison was more than aware of it.  After a few more seconds of twirling, their eyes met.

Addison grinned as she watched her approach. “Do I detect a bounce in your step?”

Maura paused, wondering if her good mood was rolling off her in waves.  “I-I suppose. Are you playing detective today?”

Wagging a finger, Addison tsked. “Come on Maura, I don’t divert that easily. You know better.”

“I do. I was just dropping off breakfast. I’m not sure when Jane will be back. She’s—“  Maura groaned and realized she had revealed to much.

Addison leaned forward and her grin widened. “She’s what? And how would you know this?”

 _If there was ever a time for an expletive, it’s now._ Maura sighed. “She’s at her place and I know because we talked on the phone.”

“Really?”  Addison’s smile was full and toothy. Blue eyes sparkled. “So the evil plot I hatched worked.”  It wasn’t a question but a statement of fact.

“Yesss,” Maura growled.

“You’re welcome. I had a feeling something was up, but I decided to show up in person. I’m harder to resist that way.”

Maura sat the bag and the drink holder on Jane’s desk.  “Your arrogance is astounding.”

“Isn’t it? It’s the whole saving lives things I’m sure.”

“Well, well…are you being Jane today? Because I have to tell you, I like that idea lots.”  Frost stated as he stopped at his partner’s desk. “Ohh you brought breakfast too?”

“That was her.” Addison pointed in Maura’s direction.

“I like you too, Maura.”

“I find it surprising that you even remember my name with her sitting here.”  Maura countered.

“Trust me. I remember and if I had two women who looked like you at my desk, just chain my ass to it.”

Addison chuckled. “So charming.”

With a parting smile, Frost made his way to his own space.

“Now, spill. She went home and you guys are talking on the phone? I think I’d consider that huge.”

“We went out for drinks as well.”  Maura added.

“Get out!”

“It was like before but better. I don’t know how else to describe it.”

“I’m a fucking genius.” Addison whispered.

“Yes, Jane said as much.”

“Good girl. So you knew about her sleeping here?”

“Some time ago. It wasn’t hard to deduce.”  Maura answered.

“Maybe you’re a genius too.”

“Thanks.”  Maura’s tone was sarcastic.

“Don’t screw this up, Maura.”

“I have no intentions of doing so.”

“Good. I’d smack you on the ass for support but it would probably give everyone here a hard on.”

Exasperated but on top of the world, “Addison…”  Maura admonished.

Addison rolled her eyes. Then, they widened. “Somebody get the crosses.”

Confused, Maura turned to see what caused that kind of reaction, and everything came to a screeching halt.  All the life seemed to seep out of the room. _Not this. Not now._   Maura pasted a smile on her face and ambled toward the visitor.  “Mother, I had no idea you were coming.”

Constance Isles sailed across the room, standing tall, regal and leaving the smell of expensive perfume and money in her wake. Dark hair was perfectly coiffed as was the rest of her. “Of course not, dear.  You weren’t home and one of your…employees directed me up here.” She peered around the room. Her distaste was obvious.

When they were a few inches apart, Constance leaned forward brushing Maura’s cheek with her own in a parody of a kiss.  “Consider this a ….what is it called?  A lay over of sorts. I’m only here for the day. I’m on my way to New York. It seemed like the perfect opportunity.”

Addison snorted.

 _Please behave_.  Maura’s mind screamed as they turned toward the sound.

“Well, isn’t this…interesting.” Constance muttered haughtily.

“I always am.”  Addison rose from her seat.  “Mrs. Isles.”

“How’s your mother, dear?”

Addison smirked.

Maura groaned, knowing this wasn’t going to be good.

“Cold as ice and rich as hell. Just like you.”

Constance didn’t bat an eye. “It really is amazing that you could be so common when you come from such stock.”

“I’m not a horse.”

“When you behave as such…”  Constance paused and turned. “Getting back to the subject at hand, I received your message. There’s to be no wedding? What have you done, dear?  I’ve told you many times that your intelligence would be an albatross. Still, I suppose it’s happy coincidence. There was no way your father and I could have attended.”

Maura swallowed but inside she crumbled. She felt small, insignificant _Further proof that I don’t matter to them._ The sudden warmth at her side caught her off guard. She peered at Addison gratefully. “It was a mutual decision, mother. It wasn’t right for me. He wasn’t right for me.”

“Well, who is dear? You are getting older.”

Maura’s gaze was drawn to a flurry of movement. She felt her body relax as she watched Jane’s progression toward them.  She drank in every step, every nuance, losing herself in finding what she wanted, needed.

Maura’s silence went on for so long that her mother turned to find the distraction.

“What? There’s a party at my desk and nobody told me about it?” Jane asked. Her gaze went to all her visitors but settled on Maura.

“Really, dear? Surely, you’re joking?” Realization colored her features and Constance Isles peered at Jane as if she were emanating the foulest of smells.

Obviously feeling the scrutiny, Jane crossed her arms and stared back.

Maura felt as if she were hyperventilating. _Breathe.  Please breathe._   Somehow underneath it all her confidence began to bolster, and with each glance at Jane, it went higher still.

“Mrs. Isles. It’s good to … well you’re here.”  Jane stated.

“I am, and I see you obviously had something to do with this wedding debacle?”

“What? I’m not—“  Jane’s expression was confused and wary.

“Maura, not only have you chosen the wrong sex and low breeding its unrequited as well?”

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Addison exclaimed.

Feeling a surge of anger and protectiveness, Maura was galvanized into action.  “Thank you Addison, but I’ll handle this.”

“I get the feeling I was just insulted. Was I insulted?”  Jane glanced at Maura.  Her eyes were dark with fury.

Their eyes held. “You were, and I refuse to let her do this to you.”  Maura took a step toward Jane. “Please trust me.” Their gazes met a bit longer communicating silently. When Maura was satisfied that she got the answer needed her attention turned to her mother. “This isn’t the time or the place mother.”

Constance waved her hand nonchalantly. “These people are of no consequence.”

“They are to me. This is where I work. You can’t just barge in here belittling them, belittling Jane.”

Constance’s smile was unkind. “No matter how we raised you, you still lower yourself. You are better than this.”  She sneered in Jane’s direction. “Better than her.”

“Don’t you dare! She was there for me. She’s always been there for me while you pretended like I didn’t exist.”  Maura could hear the conviction in her voice.

“Of course you exist.”

“Only when you want to parade me around like a prize.”

“That isn’t true.” Constance refuted. Features that were serene before, pinched, showing off the lines that even the best surgeon could not fix.

“It is. You won’t have a lay over here, mother. Jane’s a part of my life. She is my—“  Maura choked on the emotions bombarding her. “Until you can treat her with respect you’re not welcome in my home or my place of employment.”

“Go, Maura.” Addison muttered.

“Now, please leave.”

Constance sputtered

“There are plenty of personnel to escort you if needed.” Maura added.

Constance reared her shoulders back and hiked her nose in the air. “I assure you there is no need. When you come to your senses you know how to reach me.”  Then, she left on the same perfumed wind she rode in on.

Maura watched her go, aware of the thousand eyes centered on her.  She was embarrassed and electrified at the same time. It was a peculiar combination.  She needed safety. She needed solace. Any other time, Maura would have turned to Jane, but she was unsure of the welcome. Without a word, she left the squad room and headed for the elevator.

**

In shock and complete and utter awe, Addison shook her head.  “Ho-ly shit.”

“I’ll say.”  Jane responded.

“What the hell are you still doing here? Go after her!”

Jane’s eyes widened.

“Don’t you watch movies? Go!”

“What am I supposed to say?”

“What you’ve always said. Now go!” Addison made a shooing motion.

Finally, Jane obeyed.

Feeling someone behind her, Addison glanced over her shoulder.

Korsak and Frost came into view.

“Woo, she was scary.” Frost mumbled.

“Yeah, I think my balls got sucked back into my body.” Korsak added.

Addison rolled her eyes.

“But you had this all under control didn’t you, Red?”  Frost clapped her on the back.

“Didn’t need to. Maura owned it.”

**

Maura paced back and forth on the area rug in front of her desk. Her heart beat roared in her ears. _Did that just happen? Did that actually happen?_

Abrisk knock startled her.

Jane opened the door then closed it quietly behind her. She ambled forward, looking unsure of herself. “You, uh, okay?”

“Not especially.”  Maura answered softly.

“You know. You didn’t have to—“

“Yes. I did.  You know how I feel Jane, even if we only remain friends, she needed to hear it.”  Maura pushed a shaking hand through her hair. “I just don’t understand…h-how she makes me feel that way after all these… years.”  Her voice cracked and it was followed by a sob.

Before she could utter another word, Maura was surrounding by comforting heat and the scent of Jane. She shuddered and the arms around her tightened. The sobs continued as Maura realized how much she missed this…how much she needed this.  She shuddered again, hard, grasping that this was the first time in a long while that Jane had touched her without malice, without anger.  Maura buried her face in Jane’s neck and strengthened the embrace out of fear that she may never get to do it again. Tears began to flow freely. “I’m s-sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ve made a mess of e-everything.”

“Shhh, it’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Shhh.”  Jane tried to step away.

“No! Don’t stop. Please?”  Maura pleaded.

Dark eyes peered down at her cloudy with emotion.

Maura gasped at the sudden feel of fingertips on her face. She leaned into the touch. Closing her eyes, she committed it to memory just as had many other instances.  Maura’s eyes opened as Jane’s thumb brushed over her cheek.

Then, she forgot to breathe as that same appendage trailed over her lips. Through it all, a fire ignited low in Maura’s belly.  “Jane…please.”  Maura knew she was begging. It should have been unseemly but there was no room for dignity where only pain had been before.

“Shhh, I’m here, Maura.”

Jane leaned forward until they were breathing the same air.  Maura’s hands fisted, capturing the material of Jane’s blazer.  “J-Jane.”  She couldn’t tear her gaze away and allowed herself to drown in deep obsidian pools that whispered things that the owner could not say.

Seconds ticked by.

“Ja—“

Trembling lips brushed her own then clung wetly.  Maura gasped and quivered. Her breathing suddenly ragged. Her heart tripled in speed when she realized that Jane’s chest heaved with her own.

Hot hands eased up her nape and into her hair, bringing every synapse to stunning life. 

“Maura.”

“Dr. Isles, I have…” There was a pause.

Jane tried to move away. Maura refused to let her.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I should have seen, uh, through the window that you had company.”  The young man nodded then scampered out the door.

Maura blinked then glanced up at Jane.  The air still buzzed around them and Jane acknowledged it by engulfing Maura into another embrace.

Maura felt the kiss in her hair and smiled despite the circumstances.

“Better now?”

Maura nodded, “Yes.”

Jane’s phone buzzed.

Maura sighed as a few seconds later hers did the same.

Breaking apart, they answered as duty called.

Smirking in Maura’s direction, Jane muttered, “Never a dull day for the murder police.  I’ll see you at the scene?”

“Okay.”

Jane was half way out the door before she turned. “Thank you, Maura.”

“For?”

“Defending me.”

“Always.”

Jane nodded and closed the door behind her.

Maura touched her lips and peered out the window. Hope burned a light in her chest. She had no idea what this meant, but it burned anyway.

**

Maura sipped the Merlot and rubbed Bass’ shell as he ambled by. It had been a long day full of twists, turns and train wrecks and somehow she had survived it all.  Sighing, Maura leaned back into the cushions as tiredness washed over her and thought about all she had. Addison, Frost, and Korsak had bombarded her with phone calls, texts and even impromptu visits just to make sure she was all right.  Yet Jane had been the sweetest surprise of all. Though she didn’t see much of her, the texts meant the world. There had been no outpouring of emotion but only simple words. **_Just checking in. U ok?  _**  That alone made Maura smile.

Her home phone rang, and she had an immediate idea of who it was.  Maura groaned but prepared herself to dish out comeuppance to her mother once more. “Yes?”

“You want company?  I have pizza, paper towel and a six pack. I’m sure you already have your wine.”

Maura was totally flustered.  “I—yes.”

“Be there in fifteen.”

Maura peered at the phone and decided that even though the day had been trying she wouldn’t change a thing.


	15. Chapter 15

**

Jane yawned as she sat precariously on the edge of her bed.  She scratched at her stomach and peered around the room, realizing it had been the best night’s sleep she had in ages. _It’s actually good to be home._   Rising, Jane wondered how much of that goodness had to do with her minor capitulation toward Maura. After all, she was at the core of all this, and the day before had been something out of the most drama filled novel ever with them as the main characters. Still, somehow it ended up in the plus column.

 _Maura defended me and for the first time in a long time, I felt important to her._   Jane padded to the bathroom.  _After that shit with her mother, everything was almost cake._ _Almost_.  It felt natural to comfort Maura. It felt natural to be in her home, and it felt natural to touch her as well.

As she turned on the shower, Jane brought her brain to a screeching halt. _Hold on. Let’s try not to get ahead of ourselves._   She tried to ignore the sound of laughter and the voice that told her she was already a goner.  Its whisper reverberated.

Jane stripped out of her T-shirt and boxers and stepped under the heated spray. A bevy of her questions had been answered the night before and the honesty had been a release.  As hot water splashed over her face and hair, it was like a baptism in memories and Jane could do nothing but recall the night before.

 

 

_Jane sat in her car surrounded by the smell of greasy food and the clicking of her engine as it cooled. The bravado that possessed her to call Maura had dissipated on the drive over, leaving her with the fumes.  She took a deep, cleansing breath and went for it anyway, deciding that the fumes had to be enough.  If Maura could be brave, then so could she. Jane ignored the screams of warning her brain sent her out of habit._

_Before she could breathe again, somehow she was at Maura’s door and before she could even knock said door opened.  “I was hoping you’d stay.”_

_“Me too,” Jane muttered._

_Maura moved out of the way to allow entry.  Jane swallowed as she looked around. It seemed like ages but nothing had changed. She thumped Bass’ shell as she ambled toward the kitchen as if she belonged. Plates and a glass waited for her on the counter. Jane turned to look over her shoulder as Maura entered right behind her.  It had happened a million times before, this routine, and something deep down in Jane hoped that it would happened a million times more._

_Separating the plates, Jane looked down to see her hand shaking._

_“You’re nervous.”  Maura didn’t phrase it as a question._

_“Hell yes.”_

_“Me too.”_

_They glanced at each other and smiled._

_“You’re hiding it a hell of a lot better than I am.” Jane said._

_“Not really. I almost bit my nails.”_

_Jane gasped mockingly. “Perish the thought.”  She paused. “Heard from your mom?”_

_Maura released a surprised bark of laughter. “Perish **that** thought.”_

_Jane smirked. “I knew there was fire under there, but I never thought—“_

_“It would be for you?” Maura interrupted._

_Swallowing Jane muttered, “I was going to say aimed at your mother._

_Maura shrugged. “Maybe it was because of you I was able to do that. There were many times in the past when I had the chance to assert myself, but I couldn’t take advantage of them.”_

_The words caused an intense burning in Jane’s chest. Needing relief from it, she took a moment to fill the plates, lacing one with a bundle of paper towels. Jane picked up both servings and headed toward the kitchen door. “Can you grab me a beer, please?” She launched as if it were an afterthought._

_As Jane sat on the couch, she peered at the kitchen door gathering the energy to ask the questions she so desperately needed answers to. It was time. She didn’t have to wait long. A few minutes later, Maura sat down beside her, sliding a glass in her direction._

_“I put an orange slice in it just the way you like it.”_

_Jane picked up the drink and took a large gulp. As she lowered the glass, their eyes met. “Why? Why now?”_

_Maura’s gaze was strong, intense and it didn’t waver in the least. For a moment, Jane was relieved and proud._

_“It’s not a matter of my sexuality. That has never been an issue even though it wasn’t known by everyone.”_

_“You mean, like your parents?”_

_Maura nodded. “They weren’t interested in other aspects of my life. Why should I have given them the pleasure of knowing me that way?”_

_Jane sat silently, wanting Maura to be her own motivation._

_“It was…too much.”  Maura took a breath. “Feeling the way I did around Addison. It got in the way of everything. I like order. I needed order.”_

_Unable to keep quiet, Jane whispered. “I’m not Addison.”_

_“No, you were something else altogether and it was completely overwhelming.”  Maura reached for the wine glass and guzzled.  Her hand was trembling. “I wasn’t prepared for this…for you.  I didn’t understand how I could feel this and go on with everyday life.”_

_Jane’s stomach twisted at the intensity in Maura’s eyes and her voice._

_“For a while, I don’t think I was functioning properly at all. I did things…said things that I didn’t think I was capable of. It scared me, but you Jane…you petrified me.”_

_“And what?  Suddenly I don’t?”  Jane’s tone was skeptical._

_“The fear is still there but the thought of losing you; not seeing you or talking to you…”  Maura stopped. Her eyes shined with unshed tears. “That tears me apart more than being afraid ever could.”_

_The burning in her chest was back, and Jane wanted to look away. Green eyes refused to let her._

_“After that…it was clear.”_

_“What?” Jane croaked._

_“You’re where I belong.”_

_Jane gasped. The words raced over her skin, leaving an indelible imprint and stoking a fire that lay simmering just underneath the surface.  “Maura—“_

_“No, Jane. I mean it, and I know you believe me.”  Maura moved closer and reached out. “When you kissed me, I felt it.  When you held me, I…”_

_As if she had no choice, Jane leaned into Maura’s fingertips. When they grazed her lips, she released a shaky breath._

_“…felt it just like I feel it now.”_

_Jane’s breathing turned ragged.  Maura’s words and her touch were too much for her heart and her body to resist. “I’m scared.” The words left her mouth in a husky whimper._

_Maura moved closer still, and then Jane was utterly surrounded. When soft lips touched her forehead, Jane quivered. When they grazed her cheeks, she moaned and clutched at Maura as if her life depended on it. When their lips finally met, a large part of the wall Jane had built crumbled away to nothingness._

_Maura whimpered and clung to her like a second skin.  Hands fisted in Jane’s hair and helplessly, she let it happen.  She expected more and Jane admitted to herself that she needed it. Instead of getting it, Maura held back. Her body seemed to vibrate with the effort._

_“I won’t make the same mistake twice,” Maura whispered.  “I’ll show you.”_

_Their lips brushed. The moment was electric._

_“I’ll prove it to you.”_

_Jane groaned, “Maura.”_

_“I promise you.”_

_Instead of another kiss, Maura engulfed her in heat and softness.  Jane’s body cried out, but for the moment, her heart was satisfied.  Jane returned the embrace and understood its meaning. There was hunger. There was need. That much and so much more had been acknowledged, but until Jane had complete assurance, it all would continue to burn bright between them._

**

Maura’s salad was as delectable as always but as the flavors burst in her mouth, she acknowledged that it was a minute experience in the scheme of things.  She bit her lip as she tried valiantly to fight the grin threatening to overwhelm her and stared into some point in space that held nothing but Jane.

“Ow!” The sharp pain radiating from her shin made Maura cry out.

“I thought about kissing you, but it didn’t seem appropriate.”  Addison smiled.

“Thank you for your restraint. Could you have just tried saying my name?” Maura asked sarcastically.

“I’ve done that for almost five minutes.  You invited me to lunch remember? I expect some attention.”

Maura could feel heat rush to her face. “I’m sorry. I was—“

“Staring off into space thinking about a certain brunette? Seen her today have we?” Addison smirked.

“No, I’m giving her space. I know she needs it. I asked you to lunch instead.” _Especially after last night._  Maura paused and peered at Addison through a narrow gaze. “Should I be expecting her in a few minutes?”

Addison laughed. “I don’t pull the same trick twice, besides, there’s no need at this point I’m guessing?”

“No, we’ve been talking and…” Maura felt the grin return but was helpless against it. “…kissing.”

Addison stared at her for a few seconds and threw her head back laughing. “My God, you’re like a school girl in heat. It’s precious.”

Maura glared not liking the comparison at all.

“A genius in heat then?” 

“Addison…” Maura admonished.

“Oh give me a break; I have to use my oral skills in some aspect. I’ve given up finding someone decent in this city. Jane was an exception, and she wouldn’t even let me…”  She trailed off and lifted an eyebrow.

Jealousy slithered. She was human after all. “I can’t talk about this with you. I….what?”  Maura asked as she deciphered Addison’s last words _. I must not have heard correctly._

Addison sighed. “She wouldn’t let me satisfy her, and from what she’s told me, she hasn’t let anyone else either not for a while anyway.”

The jealously slithered away and transformed into molten heat. Maura’s stomach cramped and twisted. Her heart thudded. She cleared her throat. “Oh?”

“Uh huh.”  Blue eyes twinkled. “She’s been saving herself for you, and when you guys finally get around to it, the paint is going to peel off the walls.”

Maura forgot to breathe as this new information trickled over her and awoke something visceral.  The knowledge made her want Jane all the more. _How am I supposed to control myself?_

“Trust me that would turn me on too.”   Addison sipped her water. “It’s amazing. I never thought I’d see the day when someone flustered Maura Isles.”




“I-“  Maura could feel the blood in her face as the majority of it seeped between her legs. “It’s becoming quite refreshing actually.”

“I’m sure. I’m proud of you by the way. The way you handled Satan’s mistress was fucking incredible.”

Maura had to shift gears and attempt to leave the arousal behind. Obviously, Addison was feeling generous today, dispensing only a modicum of teasing.  “I did what I thought was right. I refuse to let her make me feel that way anymore.”

“When I did that to my mother, she barely talked to me for a year, and I’m sure your father will follow her lead.  Are you prepared for that?”

“I don’t think I really care at this point.”

“I think she likes me even less now than she did in med school.”

“More than likely. If she’d known about us, I’m sure you would have been blacklisted.”

Addison chuckled, “Probably. By the way, since you and Jane are….talking, I don’t see anything wrong with the both of you seeing me off at the airport.”

“I still find it hard to believe that you’re going to leave. What do you expect us---“

“To do?”  Addison interrupted. “Gee, I don’t know. Work it out on your own?”

Maura glared but didn’t try to hide the sting her words caused.

“I’m not trying to be harsh. You don’t need me anymore.”  Addison muttered and looked away.

Maura saw the emotion in blue eyes before she turned away. She reached out, covering Addison’s hand with her own.  “I’ve never done our friendship justice, and for that, I apologize. You…helped this happen, and if it weren’t for you, I don’t know where I’d be. There’re some mistakes I won’t make again and this is one of them.”

Their gazes met and Addison smiled fully. “See this is why I have to leave, I can’t stand all this girly shit.”

Maura laughed and shook her head. Addison was truly one of a kind. “Is it too late to add that I’ll miss you?”

“Yes! But you’re special. I’ll let you slide one under the door.”

A phone chirped.

“That was mine.”  Addison murmured.

Addison was silent for a minute but Maura could see an interesting blend of irritation and curiosity coloring her expression.  “Who caused that kind of reaction?”

“I swear I’m in The Twilight Zone. Derek’s current ‘wife’...”  Addison clawed at the air. “…and I use that term loosely, has been texting me. Apparently, there’s trouble in paradise and she thinks we can bond over it. Don’t get me wrong she is a brilliant surgeon and probably a decent human being. But--”

“Have you replied to her?”

“Well, yes. It would be rude not to.”

“You don’t mind being rude.”

Addison paused. “True. Obviously I’ve been taken over by pod people.”

“Or you find her interesting enough to give some of your time.”

Addison scoffed. “Or you’ve obviously been taken over by pod people. A minute to send a text is not spending time.”

“What is it if we’re talking about her?” 

Addison opened her mouth then snapped it shut. A second later she mumbled, “Shut up.”

**

Jane looked up from her computer to find herself surrounded. She rolled her eyes. “What is with the funky ass grins?”

“Well, we’ve been talking.” Korsak answered.

“Can you read too?”

“Learned when I was three,” Frost countered.

“You’re going to tell me no matter what I do aren’t you?”

“Uh huh.”

“Uh huh.”

Jane’s eyes widened. _That was spooky as hell._

“You’re glowing… have been for the past couple of days.”  Korsak added.

Jane’s eyebrows shot to her forehead. “What the fuck did you say?”

“Glow-ing.” Frost enunciated.

“Have you two been drink-ing?”

“No, just no-tic-ing.” Korsak smirked as he joined in the word game.

“That was only funny the second time.” Jane countered.

Korsak scowled.

“And I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  Jane studied her computer. She even pretended to tap  a few keys.

“She’s still an ass. That hasn’t changed.” Korsak chuckled.

“Good to know that Maura won’t soften all the edges.”

 _Aww hell._   “I am not.”  At the mention of Maura’s name, Jane felt a pang and wondered why she hadn’t made an appearance or called. _I know I could have done the same._

“Are too.”  Frost stated.

“Fine!”

“I knew you’d two would kiss and make up.” Korsak said.

“We haven’t. We’re…”  Jane searched for the right word. _Do they have to see so much and then tease me about it? Really?_

“On the path of redemption.” Frost added.

Jane and Korsak stared.

“What? I read it on the back of a book. It stuck with me.”

 _Really._ “Trying. I guess we’ll see where it goes.”  Jane sniffed. “There. You got what you wanted. We never have to talk about it again.”

Frost sat on the edge of her desk.  “I told you already how fine I think Maura is?”

“Yesss,” Jane hissed.

“I think I need to reiterate that point.”

“I second the motion.” Korsak raised his hand.

“What is the point of this conversation?” Jane growled.  “And if I catch either one of you staring at her ass, I’ll pull your eyeballs out through your nose.”

Korsak grinned. “Trying my ass. She’s a goner.”

“Oh yeah, she fell right into that one.”

“I am not!”  It was strange. Jane noticed that the little voice in her head from earlier sounded a lot like them.

Korsak and Frost shared a glance. Then, they smiled.  “It’s good to see you alive and kicking.”  Korsak smacked her on the back before walking away.

Jane watched him go and swallowed down the lump in her throat. _Damn him._   She glanced at Frost. “You got something sensitive to say too?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I was worried about you, and I would have spent a lot more nights on your couch if I had to.” 

Jane’s eyes burned. She looked away for a moment. Turning back, she muttered. “I know. I think I’ll be okay.”

Frost grinned before making his way back to his own desk.

Jane stared into her computer screen, but she didn’t see a thing. _I promise you._   Remembering Maura’s words made her shiver. Remembering their kiss made her entire body clench.  Jane knew what it was like to fall apart; to hurt; and to be hopeless. Part of her gleaned onto those experiences because they were too powerful to just dismiss. The other part reached out searching for a chance to know happiness, and somehow it had gotten a lot bigger.  It felt strange, but it felt good. _I hope I know what the hell I’m doing._

**

Frost whistled as they walked toward the crime scene.  Jane was amazed that her change in demeanor could affect the people in her life in such a way, but she decided to go with it nonetheless.

“Looks like we’re a few minutes late to the show.” He muttered.

“Well somebody told me the interstate was backed up so we took the back roads remember?”  The gravel crunched under Jane’s feet as she entered the abandoned lot.

“Uh huh, now smile. Maura’s here waiting on us.”

“I’m glad that makes you happy.”

“No happiness for me is a straight Addison Montgomery.”  Frost pointed in the medical examiner’s direction. “She is what makes you happy.”

Jane laughed and shook her head. “I’m sure I’ve said it before but you need help.”  _She could be._ She watched Maura at work bent over the body and focused on the riddle that caused this man’s death. As if she were aware of Jane’s presence, Maura glanced upward and that focus centered on Jane.  Maura’s smile was brief but stunning enough to blind.

Butterflies fluttered in Jane’s stomach, and she had no choice but to smirk back before asking, “What do we have?”

“Three gunshot wounds to the chest. His temperature suggests he’s been dead for at least 8 to 10 hours, but his body has obviously been moved. There’s a considerable lack of blood.”  Maura answered.

“Huh.”  Jane peered around. It was a rundown neighborhood with very few houses and a plentiful amount of trees.. “Lots of places to kill somebody. No one would hear the shots or him scream.”

“Very true.”  Frost agreed.

“Rizzoli! You need to see something.” 

Jane and Frost turned toward the voice to see Steve from CSU waving them over. 

“Maybe he has something interesting.” Frost said.

“Could be. You go ahead. I’ll catch up in a minute.”

Frost nodded and grinned.

When Jane swung back around, Maura was standing and studying her as if seeing her for the first time. She heated under the scrutiny. It was a welcoming feeling. “Been busy today?” Jane asked.

“Not especially. Well…until now. Why do you ask?”

“I haven’t seen you.”

“I haven’t seen you either.”  Maura countered.

They grinned at each other.

“True,” Jane added.

“You needed space. I was giving it to you.”

“How did you—“  _Because you know me._

Maura didn’t say a word. She just simply smiled.

Jane shoved a hand into her pocket. “I better get back to work.”

“Me too,” Maura agreed. “Just to let you know, it was extremely difficult not to ride the elevator today.”

 _That’s good to hear._ Jane wanted to move but she was rooted to the spot.

Maura’s gaze was soft but a little confused.

Suddenly, Jane wanted nothing more than to make Maura’s smile last all day. She smirked and looked down at her shirt. “I don’t have any breadcrumbs today?”

Green eyes narrowed right before the laughter began.

It was a heavenly sound.  Jane allowed it to wash over her for a few seconds before chuckling herself.  “Later?” Jane asked.

“Definitely.”

**

Addison’s words lingered, making it hard to concentrate. By no means was Maura neglectful of her work but the new knowledge acquired sat in her brain humming as a reminder that it was there. The fact that they had touched, had kissed only bolstered her awareness of the pull between them, making the humming a body wide phenomenon. Her skin felt tight and overly sensitive and each heart beat was a warm gush that energized her more.

Her time with Jane today had been an exercise in restraint and professionalism, but she had nearly melted in the end. Maura had never felt more alive as she stared down at death and covered it with a crisp white sheet.

This riddle of death had been solved fairly quickly. Drag marks led them to the actual crime scene and a viable suspect.  In turn, Maura wished the riddle her life had become was just as easy to resolve.  She smiled softly knowing at least she could be close. _Jane’s listening. I can’t ask for more right now._

The door to the morgue opened, admitting one of her assistants.  “Dr. Isles. Inventory is done. Here’s the supply list ready for re order. I just need your signature.”

“Thank you, Sherrie and can you put him back in D-112? Paul should be there to help.”   Maura pointed at the sheet covered gurney.




The woman nodded.

Maura skimmed the paperwork. “Let’s double up on gloves and face masks. There can never be too much of those.”  She altered the numbers and signed.

The door to the morgue opened again.

Maura glanced up and completely forgot what she was doing. “Detective Rizzoli, I-“

“Go ahead and finish up. I can wait.”  Jane muttered.

“I wasn’t—“

A throat cleared. “I, uh, need that back Dr. Isles.”

Maura blinked and peered in Sherrie’s direction. _What was I doing?_

Sherrie pointed to the file in Maura’s hand.

“Oh…I—sorry!”  Maura shoved said file in her assistant’s direction. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“It’s okay. You ladies have a nice night.”   She placed the file underneath her arm and pushed the gurney toward the double doors.




Maura could feel the red hot flush on her face. _How does she do this?_

Then, they were alone.

“Still nervous, Maura? I thought we cleared that up last night?” A dark brow rose.  Jane walked closer and stopped when they were inches apart.

“I think distracted would be a better word.”  Maura grinned.

“Ah, that’s not similar at all is it?” Jane smirked.

“Not at all. I was nervous because I didn’t want to do anything to hamper progress.  I’m distracted because it’s hard to devote my attention to anything else when you’re around.” Maura took a step forward. With the help of her own words and Jane’s proximity, the hum that plagued her was fast becoming a full blown song, inching over her body and leaving trails of heat in its wake. “Does that clarify things?”

“Makes it crystal.”  Jane answered huskily.

For a moment, there were no words. Maura studied Jane with greedy eyes; watching her lick her lips; watching the erratic pulse jump in her neck; and watching brown eyes as they devoured her right back.

The air between them expanded, drawing breath of its own and heating the space around them.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to get a drink or… something.”

“You can still ask me.”

“Yeah, but I want more now.”  Jane’s tone was deep, breathless.

Maura’s stomach tightened. Her arousal was instant. “What…do you want?”

Jane’s smile could only be described as lascivious. “You know, but I’ll settle for a kiss.”

“I don’t think that would be a problem.”  Maura’s breath quickened.

“No, but maybe we shouldn’t. We can’t get caught up in this physical thing between us.” Jane whispered but her eyes flashed hotly.

Maura nodded. “I agree. Baby steps.”  She took a tiny step closer.

“Exactly.”  Jane closed the distance even more.

Jane was close enough to smell. Unable to help herself, Maura reached out sliding her hands inside Jane’s jacket and flattening them against her shirt covered stomach.  The hard shudder that resulted was the response her body was looking for. Maura’s breathing turned decidedly ragged. “How do you suppose…we accomplish this?”

“Shit if I know, you’re the genius.” Jane’s chest was heaving.

“I’m distracted. Remember?”  Jane’s arms wrapped around her distracting Maura even more.

Maura watched Jane’s throat bob as she swallowed. “If we relieve the pressure every once in a while…”

“Sounds like a…viable plan to me.”  Maura answered and shivered as fingertips played at her nape.

“Good, I’m glad---“  Jane moaned loudly suddenly unable to utter another word.

Maura whimpered as her mouth opened wide over Jane’s neck.  She couldn’t wait any longer. It seemed like it had been years already. Spurred on by Jane’s response, Maura flicked her tongue over the dimple in Jane’s chin before covering her mouth with her own.

Jane’s smile hadn’t promised slow but it did promise erotic.  Maura was not disappointed. There was no hesitancy or pretense just the wet slide of tongues.

Maura cried out at the hard tug of her hair as electric tingles shot down her spine landing between her legs. Needing more, she opened wider prepared to take her fill.

Jane groaned as she ended the embrace. Their foreheads touched while the rest of them was molded together by heat and need. “I think…”  Jane cleared her throat and tried to catch her breath. “I think. I’m in trouble here, Maura.”

“That’s good,” Maura whispered. “Because I know that I am,” she added before erasing the distance between them once more.

**

Addison opened the door and smirked.  Jane leaned against the door jab with a six pack of beer dangling from her fingertips. “Is that my going away present?”

Jane snorted and entered. “No, you’re definitely not a beer girl.”

“True. What are you doing here so late?”

“I can turn my head if you need to get rid of anyone.”

“Ha ha. I’m being good. I’ve had enough of the Boston night life thank you very much.” Addison put a hand on her hip and watched as Jane sat down. “Now, are you going to answer my question? What are you doing here so late?”

Jane unscrewed a cap with flourish. “I’m fucking thirsty as hell.” She took a long swig from the bottle.

“Well that’s not going to help anything.”

“I’m not that kind of thirsty.”  Jane smiled sheepishly.

The light bulb went on. _Good. Very good._  “Ohhhh, you poor thing!”  Addison grinned not meaning a word of it.

“I hate you.”

Addison laughed out right. “Whatever. She’s got you all tied up in knots, huh?”

Jane pushed a hand through her hair. “I don’t know what the fuck happened. One minute I was mad at her and couldn’t stop thinking about her. Now, I just can’t stop anything.”

“You can give me details if you want.”  _God, I’m so bad._

“I could just to see your ass squirm.”

“I don’t like you much either.” Addison countered.

Jane laughed and took another pull from her beer.

Addison sat down beside her. “It’s good you showed up. Saves me having to call. Lunch, drinks, something tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll make the time. We’re taking you to the airport?”

“Yep. Saturday at noon.”

Jane sighed. “Who’s going to keep me from making a fool of myself?”

“Haven’t you heard? Women love that.”

Jane shook her head. “No, I don’t recall that being sexy.”

Addison took pity on her friend. The desperate look in Jane’s eyes didn’t hurt the decision any. “Look, you’ve wanted her for how long now?”

“Hell, forever.”

“Well, I’m sure it’s probably normal to feel like your head is about to pop off.”

“Yeah, but she’s not making it any easier. We went out for drinks and I swear I pulled something trying to keep things PG.”  Jane added.

“I can imagine. I’d say right now Maura is probably the equivalent of waking a sleeping lion.”

Jane opened another beer. “Good analogy.”

“I thought so. How do you feel about all this?”

Jane sighed again. “Wary. Happy I guess, and horny as hell.”

Addison chuckled. “Sounds like a good combination to me.”

“Well, it’s interesting to say the least.”

“You know what they say…slow and steady wins the race. Trust me when I say that I hate to sound cliché, but it’s probably what you need.”

“Yeah, but hard and fast can be just as satisfying.”  Jane growled.

Addison snorted. “Tell me about it.”

They looked at each other and laughed.

When the laughter tapered off, Addison reached for a beer. “Maybe I’ll be a beer girl just for tonight. What is this?”

“Vanilla Porter. It’s actually not half bad. It’s Maura’s new favorite.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope. She’s full of surprises.”

“Only for you my friend.”  Addison took a cautionary sip. “Not bad.” She sat her drink back down and waited for Jane to finish hers.

“What?” Jane asked.

“I’m about to get mushy. You ready?”

Jane rolled her eyes.

“I’m serious. I think I’m really going to miss you.”

Jane’s expression softened.

“It’s weird. We haven’t known each other long, but you fit.”

Jane smiled. “I know what you mean.”

“The sex didn’t hurt matters either.”

“Addison!”

“What? I was just being honest.”

“I know.”  Jane pulled her into a hug.

Addison held on. “I have friends back in L.A, but this is…special.”  A ball of emotion settled in Addison’s stomach and rocketed upward to her throat while the rest of her filled with loneliness. _Maybe I need to do something about this sooner than later._

“I know that too.”  Jane agreed.

Addison squeezed then pulled back from the hug. “Enough of that I think.”  She reached for her beer and sipped.

Jane put her feet on the table.

To Addison, it was a clue that Jane needed her for a little while longer. She didn’t mind one bit. In the spirit of camaraderie, Addison propped her feet up as well.


	16. Chapter 16

**

Jane buckled her seatbelt and sighed. Home alone was definitely not where she wanted to be. What was the difference really? She could pine for Maura from her own couch or she could pine for her right there in her face. It was a simple decision and Jane made it quickly.  The easy decisions were... well…easy. It was the more difficult ones that tended to leave Jane contemplating and gathering evidence.

With a flick of her wrist, Jane started the ignition. Turning the music down to a pleasant background hum her thoughts wandered to the evidence at hand.  Maura wanted her. She could tell as much in her gaze, her kiss and her touch. Maura cared. There was no other explanation.  The sheets, the notes, and a host of other things pointed in that direction.  Maura had a singular purpose… to win Jane back. 

As Jane pulled out into the street, one question lingered. What would Maura do once she had what she wanted?  Jane was no fool or at least she tried not to be so she easily admitted to herself that she was enjoying the hell out of the chase. _I’m alive again._ Still, she was human and she had been burned, badly, leaving doubt in the ashes to work its way through what remained. With the woman she knew before all this chaos, Jane was sure it wouldn’t have even been an issue, but this Maura had done things that Jane never thought she was capable of so doubt festered. As her body rebelled and her heart reached out, doubt still lingered.

When Maura smiled at her, Jane's heart believed. With the touch of Maura's lips and her gaze, Jane knew where she belonged, but what was left of her was stubborn and little cynical. Eventhough Maura was chipping away at it, the resistance that was still present held on for dear life. Jane had no idea what proof was needed or what words needed to be said to stop the whispers and the hesitancy that kep ther from what she wanted...what she needed. She gripped the steering wheel tightly and resigned herself to enjoy her heart’s desires and her body’s rebellion until the rest of her decided to come along for the ride. _What other choice do I have? I can’t go back to the way things used to be, and this is so much fucking better._





Her phone rang.

Jane groaned recognizing the ring immediately. After reaching down into the right pocket of her jeans, she saw her mother’s face smiling back at her as if she had been watching the whole time. _I really need to get another picture. This one is just creepy._ “Morning, Ma.”

“Oh finally you answer the phone? I haven’t heard from you in months!”

Jane sighed. “I just talked to you a couple of days ago. Do you have to be so dramatic?”

“I wouldn’t call what we had a conversation.”

“I’m sure you’ll send a spy and get all the information you need.”

Angela Rizzoli sputtered.  “I would nev-- .  Well… Frankie refused.”

Jane smiled. “Knew he was my favorite.”

Her smile grew at the sound of her mother’s exasperated sigh.

“You can’t just come here a total wreck and then disappear on me, Janie.”

Jane’s lips wavered.

“I know something’s changed. I can tell just by the sound of your voice.”

Jane swallowed. “I’m sorry about that.”

“No need for apologies. You were hurting and you came home, but I hope that’s behind you?”

 _Let the fishing expedition begin._  “Ma, can we—“

Angela Rizzoli gasped. “Or did you let that redhead get her claws in you?  She’s very pretty Jane but she reminds me of those bugs who mate and bite their partners heads off.”

Jane blinked then laughter exploded. “You mean Addison?”

“Yeah, her. See even her name, Addissssson.”

Nearly howling now, Jane sucked in a few deep breaths to try to sober herself.  “Oh God. Ma, you’re so going to hell for that. You don’t even know her!” _Addison would so get a kick out of this._

“Well, first impressions and all that. You still didn’t answer my question.”

“No, we’re not together. In fact, she’s going back to L.A. today.”

“Uh huh.”

Silence wrapped around them.

“You’re driving. Going to see her off?” Her mother asked.

“No, I’m going to M—“  Jane answered. _Damn! It!_

“I knew I was right!”

Jane sighed and added an eye roll. “Yes, I’m going to Maura’s. We’re going to take Addison to the airport in a little while.”

“So you two are talking? That’s good right?”

For some reason, the memories of Maura’s whimper reverberated. Jane smirked. _We’re doing a hell of a lot more than that._  “Yeah, we’re talking.”

“I told her not to give up on you.”

“Well, she most certainly listened, Ma.”

“I remember telling you the same thing. Seems like she was the first to listen.”  Her mother added smugly.

“I didn’t know it was a contest.”

“Its not. I was just making a point. Obviously, I should just start calling her.”

“You wouldn’t?!”  Jane exclaimed.

“Really? You don’t think so?”

“Fine!  We’re talking and trying to see where this goes.”

“I’m going to need more than that.”

Jane sighed. “I want to believe her, but I’m not sure I can completely. Not yet,” she whispered.

“Well, honey that’s going to take time.”

“I know that, Ma.”

“Then what’s the big deal?”

“I guess…I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  Jane answered softly.

“Well that’s a way to live isn’t it?”

Jane grumbled.

“It doesn’t always happen you know? The shoe dropping I mean.”

Snorting, Jane answered, “It does to me.”

“Have you told her that?”

“She knows that I’m not completely sure about things.”

“So you’re okay being a little happy?”

“Well…no.”

“Uh huh.”  Angela Rizzoli had a way of putting a ton of questions in the smallest of sounds.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you’re as stubborn as an old mule, but I guess it’s the Rizzoli way.”

“Uh huh,” Jane added.

“If you’re the woman I think you are, something will get through to you.”

“Well, I guess we’ll see.”

“We will, and I’m glad your Addissssssson is leaving.”

Jane chuckled. “Ma, you’d like her if you had a chance to get to know her, and you’d be thanking her.”

“Why’s that?”

“She’s a big reason why Maura and I are…talking.”

“Huh, well even I can be wrong sometimes.”

“Imagine that.”

Angela Rizzoli chuckled then added, “If you two are talking, there’s nothing to keep you from coming to dinner Monday night.”

“Maa!”

“See you at seven! Love you, bye!”

Jane peered at her cell phone. The picture of her mother smiled back at her. “Yeah, definitely need to change that.”  Despite her irritation, Jane found that she felt a little lighter. Sometimes a mother does wonders, but there was no way she was going to tell her that.

**

Maura sipped from her cup of coffee as she walked from the kitchen to the living area. The sound of her cell phone ringing created a habitual flutter in her chest.  It was a reaction she hoped that would never become common place and knew she would never take it for granted. Going from famine to a virtual feast concerning Jane had been a hard earned gift that Maura had no intentions of squandering.

“Good morning.”

“Mm, what are you doing?”  Jane asked.

“Playing tag with Bass.”

“Funny. I know I’m early.”

“Should that make a difference to me? You’re always welcome.”  Maura added.

“Well its only 10 a.m. and I’m right outside your door.”

A heady warmth seeped into Maura’s pores.  “I’m beginning to think that you can’t stay away.”  She moved briskly toward the door.

“Well, self-control has never been my thing and I sure as hell don’t have much where you’re concerned.”

A tingle started at the base of Maura’s spine and shot outward. “I’d give lessons but I don’t think it’s part of my repertoire anymore.”  She opened the door.

Jane had a smirk waiting for her.  “Are you trying to say that I’ve ruined you?”  Jane asked as she shoved her phone in her pocket and stepped over the threshold.

Maura should have been prepared by now for her reaction to Jane, but she had learned that each meeting was unique in that it sent her to a new level of overdrive.  She stepped back, allowing entry. “Quite possibly.”

“Good to know.”

They stood inches from each other.

Maura’s fingers twitched with the need to reach out and touch. “There was no reason to call first. You have a key.”

Jane took a step forward, closing the minute distance between them. “I didn’t want to be presumptuous.”

“Please…be presumptuous.” Maura whispered.

Jane’s smirk became a full-fledged smile, dimples and all. She plucked the coffee cup from Maura’s grasp and sat it on the table by the door. “Okay.”

As if it were a natural course of action, Maura reached for the lapels on Jane’s shirt, pulling her forward even more. Her body craved the contact.  _I think I’m becoming an addict._ “Okay?”

“Uh huh.”

Maura’s eyes closed as hands tangled in the hair at her nape, causing a shiver. “Okay,” she muttered.

The first brush of lips was soft almost reverent. Still, it started a fire deep in Maura’s belly. She whimpered, changing things completely.  Jane’s tongue flicked over her lips and without thought permission was granted. Maura’s whimper turned into twin moans.  Tongues battled moistly.

The fire spread quickly, leaving Maura breathless. _It has to be illegal…indecent in some part of the world to feel this way._  Needing air, she broke the embrace and sucked in a ragged breath. Jane’s lips touched her forehead. Maura hummed in pleasure.

“I could really learn to love that soy shit you put in your coffee if I could taste it like this.” Jane husked.

Maura laughed and met brown eyes, seeing the humor and heat reflected there.  “Is that your way of saying you want a cup?”

Jane shrugged. “Possibly.”

“Help yourself.”

“I thought I just did.”  Jane’s smirk was back.

Maura’s stomach clenched hard enough to make her gasp. “You’re in a mood this morning.” The look in Jane’s eye couldn’t be mistaken. There was an openness that hadn’t been there before.  There were broken pieces still between them, but there were other ones now in place and repaired. _I have no idea what I did, but I hope to keep doing it._  

“I know.” Jane shrugged again. “Don’t know where it’s coming from really. Must be something in the water.”

“I say we just go with it.” Maura grinned and headed toward the kitchen. Figuratively, Maura held her breath hoping that this easiness between them remained.  “Addison would be proud.”

Jane sighed and followed. “Yeah, I still can’t believe she’s leaving.” 

“Neither can I.”  Maura poured Jane her own cup of coffee and added an obscene amount of sugar.

Jane leaned against the counter and reached for the drink.  A sudden charged silence fell around them. Tension radiated off Jane in waves.

Immediately wanting to get to the bottom of it, Maura whispered, “Jane?”

“What if we—“

“We won’t.”  Maura interrupted, knowing Jane well enough to know where her thoughts were headed. “We’re adults. We handle difficult things every day. Surely we can handle each other without a mediator. She got us where we needed to be. It’s up to us now.”  Maura paused. “I’m not going anywhere, Jane. Are you?” She asked softly.

Jane shook her head. “No, wasn’t planning on it, but she’s been giving us the kick in the ass we needed so far.”  She took a long sip from her cup.

“So you’re worried about complacency? I meant what I said about not giving up. I think I’m more invested than ever.”

“That’s good to know too, but I’m still going to miss her.”  Jane visibly relaxed.

An uncomfortable pang surged in Maura’s chest. _I have no reason to be jealous._ The emotion reared its head anyway.  She turned away. _That was quick._ _I guess it’s my turn for insecurities._

“Maura?”

By the sound of Jane’s voice, Maura knew she had given too much away. “Yes?”  She answered over her shoulder.

“Look at me.”

Maura spun around, meeting Jane’s eyes only momentarily.

“I fucked her.”

Maura cringed at Jane’s use of language. It wasn’t a word she wanted associated with any other woman. “I’m aware of that. Can we please not talk about this? I know it’s not rational for me to feel--”

“Look. At. Me.”

Reluctantly, Maura did as she was told.

“I fucked her. She was stress relief. She knows it and so do I. They all were.”

Embarrassment suffused her. “I know. I’m sorry. I have no right—“

“You’re human, and I’ve got to say. I wanted to tear Peter’s head off more than a few times knowing that he was kissing you, touching you…inside you.”  Jane paused, holding Maura’s gaze. “When the whole time it should have been me.”

Maura expected the words to be bitter but when they slipped from Jane’s lips, the same possessive heat that could be seen in Jane’s gaze dripped from her words.  Jane’s eyes were intense as they studied her. It was tantamount to a physical touch, leaving Maura shaken to the core.

Jane took another sip from her coffee and continued to stare as if she knew every secret and every delicious feeling teeming its way through Maura. “You don’t have a fucking thing to worry about.”

Maura bit her lip and willed her heartbeat to normalcy. It refused and was joined by pulsing pleasure knotting her stomach and seeping between her legs. “No?” Maura asked in a hushed whisper.

“Look at me. What do you think?”

Maura swallowed. The air between them was the consistency of an inferno. “I think that I should finish getting ready.”  She pushed away from the counter aware of dark eyes tracking her every movement.

“You do that.”  Jane husked.

On decidedly wobbly legs, Maura left the kitchen. For the life of her she couldn’t remember which morning ablutions she hadn’t completed or even if there were any.  But in the interest of going slow and to keep from throwing herself at Jane’s feet, Maura decided to just pick one.

**

Addison peered at the bevy of luggage and smirked. “I guess everything I do is a little over the top.”  She pursed her lips, thinking of Jane and Maura, and the smirk became a full-fledged smile. _That’s okay because I sure as hell get results._

Glancing around the room, Addison acknowledged that this place was starting to feel like more of a home than she had in a long while. It wasn’t the building and it wasn’t the room. It had been the people she surrounded herself with and that shouldn’t have been the case at all.  She had friends in L.A. …family really, and the thought of leaving here shouldn’t cause a pang deep in her chest.

Still, it did.

Yes, she had friends in California, but she had to admit there had been times that they did not see her for who she was as if the brightness she offered had to be subdued to preserve feelings and egos. Jane had never treated her as such and neither had Maura… not now anyway.

It was refreshing.

Maybe it was time to be who she really was bitch and all.  Jane and Maura loved her for it. Why the hell shouldn’t everyone else?   _Maybe Maura isn’t the only one who needs to come into her own._

Addison’s cell phone chirped. Without thought, she answered it. “This is Addison.”

“I’m aware of that, but I suppose to keep things even I should say this is Meredith.”

Irritation raced over her skin, and Addison made sure it was dripping from her words. “So would you like to tell me how you made the transition from texts to a phone call without an ounce of permission?”

Meredith chuckled. “Permission is such a dirty word. I prefer to say I took liberties.”

“Uh huh, goodbye Meredith and if it helps to hear it along with my last text, lose my number.”

“We need you in Seattle for a consult.”

“No, and did I miss the announcement where they made you Chief?”

“No,” Meredith sounded nonplussed. “He was going to call you anyway. I thought since we had established a connection—“

“You might want to use that term loosely or not at all.”

“Look, I know we’re not friends—“

“Really? I was hoping you'd come out of that delusion.”  Addison interrupted.

“You answered me back.”

“So?”

“So you could have ignored me.” Meredith added.

“Yes, I—“  _Why didn’t I? Maura asked that same question._

“Come to Seattle. You won’t even have to speak to me. I swear. We can be ships…ships passing in the hallway who don’t really like each other.”

Addison snorted.  “No, and please don’t call me again.”

“That didn’t sound like conviction to me. I’ll tell Owen that you’ll think about it. ‘Kay? Bye.”

Addison blinked and peered at her cell phone. “What the fuck was that?” _This is entirely too strange._

The knock at her door startled her.  She stared at it for a moment in apprehension expecting Rod Serling. There were only so many surprises she was prepared for in one day.

“I know I’m skinny, but I’ll be damned if I could fit my ass underneath the door.”  Jane stated rather loudly.  It was followed by mumbling. “Maura said it was rude to keep us waiting.”

Addison grinned. Moving toward the sound, she pulled the door open with flourish. “Well if Maura said it, it must be true. She’s almost British and they are so much better than us mere mortals.”

Jane rolled her eyes as she entered. “No, then she’d have that accent, and I’d have to keep fruit and Gatorade by the bed…”

“Jane!”  Maura admonished.

Brown eyes widened. “What? I’m just saying!”

Addison laughed. “It’s good to see you two like this.” She paused. “Now, I’ve had a disturbing few minutes. How about that threesome? I need to cleanse my palette.”  _Humor I can do. Goodbyes…not so much._

“Addison!”  Maura stated in the same tone as before.

“What? Jane promised and we have a good thirty minutes. A lot of damage could be done.”

Maura cracked a smile. “I don’t know if I’d survive if the both of you lived in the same city.”

Addison turned to Jane. “She doesn’t get that I’m being serious does she?”

Jane shrugged and pointed at Addison’s luggage. “They have people, right? Because, no…”

“Of course they do…” Addison and Maura answered simultaneously.

“Ah, the arrogance of the rich.”  Jane added.

Addison and Maura shared a grin.

Addison took a second to give them both the once over. “Don’t you two look all glowy.”

“I don’t glow. I keep telling people that.” Jane deadpanned.

“Don’t worry you won’t lose any butch points.” Addison said.

“I’m not—“

“Jane, this is a losing battle.”  Maura interrupted.

“I agree.” Addison added.

“Well, I guess when two doctors agree…”

“Uh huh, so are you going to explain the glowing, because if there was sex involved…”

“No,” Maura moved to Jane’s side, hooking her arm through the crook in Jane’s elbow. “We’re taking things slowly.”

Jane looked down at Maura, and Addison waited for their gazes to meet her own. When a minute passed and nothing happened, warmth suffused her and the huge smile she could feel forming was unstoppable.  “Wow,” she whispered. “I’m almost speechless.”

Apparently, Addison’s words were enough to disturb the moment between them.  Jane cleared her throat and looked slightly embarrassed while Maura’s eyes twinkled as she leaned her head against Jane’s shoulder. “God, that’s just entirely too sweet. I’d rather the threesome.”

“I guess that’s your definition of almost?”  Jane asked with a smirk.

“As close as you guys are probably going to get, but seriously, I fucking rock. Maybe I should get my own reality show. Match making and medicine could go together.”

Maura smiled and shook her head. “Make as many jokes as you like, but we know who you are underneath it all Addison.”

Addison nodded in acknowledgment. “I know you do, and this is why this is so…hard.”  Tears stung her eyes and filled the back of her throat. _I’m not going to do this. I’m not._ Addison looked up at the ceiling.

Silence surrounded them, and when she looked down, she was alone in the room with Maura. There had been no hugs and no girliness and for that she was even more grateful.  She peered around at the tap against her arm to see Jane holding a box of tissues. “I don’t need that. This room is so dusty.”

Jane snorted and Addison rewarded her with a smirk.

There was another knock at the door.

“That would be the nice man with the luggage rack. Time to go ladies.”

Minutes later, Addison glanced over her shoulder as she pulled the door closed. _I think I’m going to have to visit._

*

The drive to the airport was short but filled with laughter. When they entered, Addison headed for the sign marked Delta, knowing her friends would follow. She rolled her eyes at the line for security. Turning, she opened her mouth, but Jane beat her to the punch.

“You want us to stay?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll call when we touchdown?”

Jane nodded. “You’d better.”  They had already said their goodbyes the day prior, but Addison could still see the grateful glimmer in Jane’s eyes.

Addison nodded in return and shot them both a gigawatt smile. In her eyes, she hoped they could see all the things she couldn’t say. A few seconds later, Addison turned away and got in line. A tap on her shoulder made her spin around in confusion.

Maura peered back at her with shining eyes. Before she could speak, she was wrapped in a hug. Caught by surprise, Addison stood completely still.

“Thank you,” Maura whispered.

It was those words that made Addison return the embrace in kind. “You’re more than welcome.”   Addison watched her walk away and gave a final wave to Jane. _Yes, I definitely have to visit._




**

Stopping at a red light, Jane took the time to glance at Maura. Her insides churned, and somehow she found that to be both a positive and a negative simultaneously. Part of it was nerves…Maura and her were officially on their own now. The other half was pure emotion. She’d said goodbye to a woman who helped to literally change her life. _This is going to be a wild ass ride. I just know it._

There was a sniffle.

“It’s appropriate to cry, correct?” Maura asked.

“It is, but she’d kick your ass if she knew you were.”

Maura laughed through the tears. “I know. I’m going to stop. Give me a second. I don’t know why I’m so…so --”

“Normal?”  Jane asked.

Maura laughed even more. “Yes, that. I have you to thank for that I suppose.”

“Do I get a plaque or something? Maybe a nice trophy with an even nicer bust similar to yours?”

Maura gasped unable to contain her mirth. “Stop it! I know… what you’re doing!”

Jane grinned. “Oh yeah? What am I doing?”

“Being you and I can’t thank you enough for giving me a chance to see it.”  Maura finished softly.

A horn blew behind them, but Jane couldn’t tear her gaze away as another piece of them that had been so dangerously out of place… slid home.

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

**

“She’s really gone isn’t she? I can feel a shift in the universe.”  Frost asked as he sat a fresh cup of coffee in the middle of Jane’s desk and saved the edge for himself.

Jane peered at him then rolled her eyes. “You need a whole lot more than Jesus to save your crazy ass.”  She reached for the cup and blew on it dispersing the steam.

“Amen to that. So how was your weekend? It’s been weird as hell not hearing from you. I’d almost gotten used to being your wingman.”

Jane chuckled. “You were never my wingman. I never needed you to get a woman.”

“Then what did you need me for?” __

__"With he way I was drinking? So I would fall through the fucking cracks." Jane answered._ I knew you would have never let me down._




“Ah, that makes sense. I’m a detective. Uncovering things is my job and keeping you from losing yourself is just in the small print of the handbook?”

Jane nodded and smiled affectionately. “Yeah, I guess it is.”  She held his gaze as realization hit. _I’ve gone from seeing him all the time to almost just at work._   “I didn’t mean to neglect you during all this. I mean, I know you were there in the beginning…”

“You didn’t neglect me. I’m not that damned selfish. You had a lot of shit to work through, and I’m glad somebody was there to help. I have to say you look much better now that you’re not drinking your dinner three nights out of the week.”

“Thanks. I feel better too, and no, I wouldn’t say following your partner into lesbian bars was selfish.”

Frost made a sound in the back of his throat. “Oh that part was selfish. Did you see some of those women? Just because I can’t touch…mmm mmm…don’t mean I can’t look long and hard.”

“You really are a man aren’t you?”

“Oh yeah I am.” Frost answered.

“Disgusting.”

“Oink…oink.”

Jane smirked and took a sip from her coffee.

“So?” Frost asked.

Jane looked up at him. “So what?”

“Your weekend?”

“Oh! The Addison part was well…hard.”

“Hold on a sec. I have a question about that.”

Jane sighed. “What?” She growled.

“You two had raunchy ball slapping sex several times am I correct?”

“God, I don’t have balls!” _He watches too much damn porn._

“But can’t you buy…?  You know what never mind on that part, but am I right about the raunchy?” Frost asked.

Jane glared.

“I’ll take your silence and determine my own answer. My point is with all that happened between you…you two were able to turn it into friendship? There were no feelings?  No left over attraction?”

“Honestly?”

“Well…yeah.”

“If it had continued, there could have been a possibility. I think ...”

“Huh.”

“But at the time she was just relief…you know?”

Frost nodded. “Yeah. Maura handling all that okay?”

Jane bit the inside of her cheek. The memory of their conversation settled right between her thighs. “I think we’ve come to an understanding about it.”

Frost glared but there was a twinkle in his eyes. “Who’s the pig now, hmm?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure she liked it. In fact, I’m damned sure.”

“Uh huh, don’t let her fool you into thinking you’re all dominant and shit. I bet when it comes down to it she’ll have you crying like a little girl. Women like that can surprise you. Not that this is a bad thing. It’s the ultimate dream...  a looker in the streets and a hooker in the sheets.”

“Whatever! Have you been watching Blaxploitation movies again? What was it this time _Shaft’s Big Score_? ”

“No! It was _Five on the Black Hand Side_.” Frost answered guiltily.  His eyes narrowed. “What the hell do you do in your spare time?”

Jane pressed her lips together to keep from grinning. “This is a little bit off subject don’t you think?”

“Not really.”  Frost paused. “But… you were saying?”

“We just kind of hung out after Addison left.  There was talking, TV, eating, and laughing. It was nothing really…kind of---“

“Normal?”

Jane’s smile was huge enough to split her face in two. She could feel it.  “Yeah, I think I deserve a little bit of that.”

“Oh you do.” Frost sighed. “I love these tender moments we share.”  He batted his eyelashes in Jane’s direction.

Jane tried to keep herself from smirking. “You have way too much time on your hands. Need me to be your wingman?”

“No thank you. I’m a big boy.”

An eyebrow rose. “You sure?”

“I’ve been blessed.” Frost winked and peered down at his crotch.

There was no way to hold back the smirk or the laughter. “Isn’t there some murder we could be solving?” _Don’t ever change, Frost._

Frost snorted. “Isn’t there always?”  He rose from her desk and headed in the direction of his own.

“Hey Frost.”

He turned. “Yeah?”

“Anytime you want to hang out, watch TV or cuddle you know you can just call right?”

Frost smiled. “I know.”

Jane made a mental note to make sure that happened soon. She shook her head and watched him walk away. It felt decidedly good to report something positive for a change and not see pity or worry in his eyes. For once, Jane had to admit there had been more good days of late than bad ones. Her thoughts went to Addison and she smiled as she reached for her phone and reread the text, instead of the requested phone call, they’d gotten late Saturday afternoon.

**_I’m assuming you’re 2gether. I’m home and I don’t want to hear from either of u until next week unless somebody does something stupid. Enjoy each other._ **

Jane chuckled. The weekend had been full of incredible highs as the level of comfort between them seemed set on reforming itself. Jane did nothing to assuage it and admitted that she wanted it desperately. For once, she got what she wanted.

 

_“Are you sure I’m going to like this movie?”  Maura asked skeptically as she peered down at the cover._

_Jane sat down beside her with her hand already wrist deep in the bowl of popcorn. “Yeah, more or less. There’s romance in it…kind of…”  Her voice trailed off._

_Maura sighed. “And lots of explosions I’m sure?”_

_“ A few? It will look better on your TV…bigger screen.”_

_“In other words, there will be no thinking involved?”_

_“Pure escapism.”  Jane answered._

_Maura made a sound in the back of her throat. “Just like old times then?”_

_Jane grinned and reached for the remote. “Not really,” she muttered._

_“So, it’s not a movie with Bruce Willis?”_

_“It’s Jason Statham. They’re both bald but they don’t look anything alike.”  Jane grumbled. “You just ruined my moment by the way.”_

_Maura blinked. “I did?”_

_“Yesss!”  Jane hissed petulantly._

_“Are you pouting?”_

_“No, I’m not and you’re doing it again.”_

_“So sorry for my rudeness.”  Maura grinned. Green eyes twinkled affectionately._

_Jane growled._

_“Mmm, if it’s going to cause that kind of reaction…”  Maura added breathlessly. She scooted closer, invading Jane’s space._

_Jane smirked. “That’s what I was trying to say. It’s not like old times.”_

_“It’s not?” Maura’s eyes widened._

_“No, it’s better.”_

_“How so? We usually argue about your choice in movies.”_

_“Because.”_

_“Why?” Maura turned fully as if seeking the answer._

_With fingertips greasy with butter, Jane traced along Maura’s cheek before tangling it in her hair. “This,” she whispered before bringing their lips together. Warmth flooded her as soft, wet lips surrendered to her own._

_Jane smiled as Maura gasped but continued the embrace until she could feel Maura’s mouth turn upward as well._

_Maura hummed as the kiss ended. “Mmm, I see what you mean,” she said raggedly._

_“Do you?”_

_“Yes, feel free to do that anytime you want.”_

_“Really?”  Jane asked._

_“Only if I can do the same.”_

_“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable…”_

_“I never am around you… well, not anymore. Everything is so easy.” Maura reached out tucking a stray curl behind Jane’s ear._

_Jane shivered._

_Maura’s smile widened. “Interesting,” she murmured._

_“What?”_

_“Nothing just taking internal notes.”_

_“On me? Do you have an imaginary pen and everything?”_

_“Not per se. I just love the way you react to me.”_

_“Is that right?” Jane husked._

_Maura trailed her thumb over Jane’s bottom lip to the cleft in her chin.  Jane gasped and licked her lips._

_“It is.” Maura’s voice was smoky and her gaze doubly so._

_Jane swallowed. “Ready to watch stuff get blown up?”_

_“If that’s what you want.”_

_Jane chuckled and hoped it sounded as dirty as her thoughts were. “Let’s just stick with this for tonight.”_

 

 

Jane smiled as a pleasant hum made its way through her body, wanting it to last the entire day. She peered at her computer, seeing absolutely nothing and nearly jumped out of her skin when the phone rang.

She cleared her throat. “Rizzoli.”

“You should ask Maura if she likes white or red sauce better…with clams.”

 _Such timing this one._ “I don’t think she’s going to care, Ma.”

“Well, I care. I want tonight to be perfect. I’m even making your father put on a good shirt and he didn’t argue about it.”

“Ma, let’s not make it a big d---“

“But it is a big deal. Just let me do this without the grumbling, please?”

Heat suffused Jane’s face. She was both moved by her mother’s sentiment and embarrassed by it as well. It was a strange dichotomy.  “All right.”

“Good. Now, talk to Maura. You can just text me back if you want.”

Not that she needed an excuse to call Maura, but Jane used it anyway.  She was slightly surprised to hear someone else’s voice on the other end of the phone.  “If Maura’s busy can you just give her a—“

“Oh, I think she’s on her way upstairs.”

Jane hung up the phone without another word and no sooner than it had been done that the woman in question walked into the squad room.  Jane traced each fluid movement through the throng of burly men. Her presence added a sensuality to the place. They were the epitome of maleness while the pinnacle of the female form waltzed by them as if they didn’t even exist.  Maybe to Maura they didn’t. Green eyes didn’t stray once they found Jane’s.  It made Jane feel as though she was Maura’s one true purpose and that knowledge was a heady mix of emotion, sinking deep in her gut and spreading all over especially to the south.

Jane blinked unable to do anything else.

When Maura reached her, she smiled and eased her way on the edge of the desk that Frost had abandoned a little while ago.  Maura leaned forward surrounding Jane in heat and her scent. “Are you okay? You looked a little…lost just now.”

Jane bit the inside of her cheek. “I was just thinking.”

“About what may I ask?”

Jane could do nothing about the smirk that formed. “Probably not the right place and time to ask me that.”

“Tell me anyway,” Maura murmured with a knowing grin.

Jane’s gaze lowered to watch Maura’s legs cross. The material of her skirt swished sensuously.   She swallowed and husked. “Is that a naughty streak you’re wearing, Maura?”  _God damn Frost was right._




Maura bit her lip around her smile. “That’s one possible conclusion.”

“Oh yeah? What’s the other?”

“I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

 _Holy shit. How does she do this with a few words and a look?_  Jane nearly ripped the skin from her body to keep herself from taking back the upper hand the only way she knew how…through action. In their own bubble, there was silence that was only broken by the sparks arcing between them.

Jane reached out, trailing her fingertips over the hand closest to her.

Maura’s chest began to heave.

“Hey, I’m going on a lunch run in about an hour. Anybody want?” Korsak stopped and looked between Jane and Maura expectantly. After a few seconds of silence, he waved and hand in front of their faces. “Helllooo.”

“Thank you Vince, but no,” Maura whispered, sounding almost pained

Jane wondered if she could knock all of his teeth from his mouth with one punch. She looked down at her hands, at Korsak, then back at Maura.

The shake of Maura’s head was almost undetectable.

Jane felt her mouth twitch in some semblance of a smile. “No, I’m good thanks. Got a big dinner coming tonight.”

Korsak nodded and went on his way. When he turned, headless of Maura’s plea to behave, Jane rose and reached for his neck.

“Jane!” Her name was said in a stage whisper.

Jane sighed. The moment between them was broken but things still simmered underneath. “Fine. Red or white?”  She asked through gritted teeth.

“Wine?” Maura asked in return.

“No with the clam sauce.”

“Oh, I’m more partial to white. I still can’t believe you waited until Sunday night to tell me about this.”

Jane shrugged. “I didn’t want you to be nervous.”

“I’m apprehensive actually. Your mother is accepting, but what about—“

“My father agreed to wear a nice shirt. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

“I suppose that provides some solace.”  Maura paused. “I should let you get back to work.”

Jane nodded. “Was there a reason—?”

“Did I need one?”

“Not in the least.”

With a final smile, Maura was gone.  Jane watched her go and realized it was just as tantalizing as watching her come in.

 

**

Maura eyed her closet thoughtfully. Tapping a finger against her lips, she scanned for something that said casual elegance.  She glanced down at herself and grinned. Her underwear screamed sexy and she felt compelled to look for the proper compliment. After a few more seconds, she chose her outfit with a smile… soft pink blouse and mid length grey skirt.

She admitted to herself that it was ludicrous that her underwear should matter. After all, Jane was dead set on seeing it. _Yes, we’re taking things slowly_. A grin returned as Maura acknowledged that she was going to make sure both of them enjoyed every excruciating moment between them. It was odd really. Maura knew herself to be a highly sexual creature in nature but it had never come to the forefront until now. Addison had tipped the iceberg, and Peter, she grudgingly admitted, didn’t get that far.

It was Jane pure and simple, and Maura had never felt more alive. She never knew it was possible for one individual to do this to another. Knowledge had been her drug and now Jane walked in and usurped the role with style. Just the thought of it all caused a pleasant shiver.

Her thought patterns changed. _Dinner with the family._ She had done it what seemed like a million times before, but never like this. _Do they all know what I did to Jane?_    A different kind of shiver took over. _I wouldn’t blame anyone for their anger._   Maura sucked in a deep breath and decided to look at it logically. There may be some admonishments but they would never take it further than that in front of Jane. It would hurt her. Now, behind her back, who wouldn’t want their pound of flesh? Maura shook her head to clear it. _I think I’m overanalyzing this. These are the Rizzoli’s and they are nothing like the family I am used to._   Maura made a conscious decision not to let the nerves permeate any further.

Peering at the slim Movado on her wrist, Maura decided it was time to stop woolgathering and get dressed. Jane would be arriving shortly.

Maura was not surprised when her kitchen door swung open as she finished a glass of water.

“You ready to go?”  Jane asked.

Maura turned. “Yes, just let me put on my shoes.”  Maura left the kitchen with Jane on her heels. When they entered her bedroom, Maura reached for the shoes she left beside the bed.

For a few seconds, they watched each other quietly.

Brown eyes continued to study her. “You look nice.”

Maura grinned. “What is the colloquialism about the windows matching the drapes?”

A dark brow rose and a dangerous smirk appeared. “I think you mean does the carpet match the drapes?”

“Yes, I suppose that makes more sense.”  Maura’s voice was tinged with sarcasm. “Obviously, I’m misconstruing the meaning as well. What does it mean?”

Jane’s smirk widened and looked to be quiet dirty. “It means does the color of the hair on you head match the hair…in other places.” 

Maura blinked. “Oh, well that had absolutely nothing to do with what I was trying to say.”

“Do they?”  Jane seemed to breathe out the words and the look in her eyes belied a sudden intensity.

Maura nearly gasped at the abrupt heat between them.  “They do.”  She whispered matching Jane’s intensity with her own. “Would you like to see?”

Jane’s laugh was tantamount to indecent. “You like to tease don’t you?”  She took a couple of steps forward.

“No, I like to tease you, and I know you enjoy it.”  Maura answered huskily.  Her stomach clenched into tight knots, nearly taking her breath away.

“Damn right I do because I know it’s going to pay off.”  Jane’s voice was thick and huskier than usual.

“How so?” Maura knew she was playing with fire, but the urge to jump into the flames was entirely too hard to resist.

“When I’m inside you, and you can’t feel anything else but me.”

Maura’s heart rammed against her chest. Tendrils of awareness walked their fingers down her spine and pooled liquid heat right where it belonged.  “I don’t feel…anything but you now.”

A cell phone rang.

They tried to ignore it but it seemed to go on forever.

Jane cursed.

Maura nearly flew apart. _Oh God. How am I going to do this?_

“Yes, Ma. We’ll bring the wine. Okay….okayyy. We’ll be there soon.” Jane ended the call. She fiddled with her phone as if she needed something to do with her hands. “Saved by the bell, huh?”

It was like buckets of ice cold water were thrown on them by Angela Rizzoli herself.

Maura smiled even though everything inside burned. “I think we both were.”

“Mmm.”  Jane glanced at Maura, her bed, than back at Maura again. “I’ll be in the living room.”

Maura nodded and held a hand up to her stomach. She recalled the pressure valve conversation and decided maybe it was best released when they weren’t completely alone because it had the potential to explode. _Slowly. We are taking things slowly._

*

Maura took a deep breath. The ride to Jane’s mother’s house had been so charged and tense it was a wonder the windows didn’t need defrosting.  She eased from the car and made her way up a familiar walkway with Jane at her side.  The feel of Jane’s hand at her back offered needed comfort and served to increase the simmer that already existed between them.

“It’s going to be fine. You’ll see.”  Jane muttered.

Maura nodded. Before she could speak, the front door opened and Frankie exited.  “Well, well as I live and breathe.”  His smirk was prominent.

Maura tensed. Then, she relaxed recognizing his playfulness.

“Not for long if you say something stupid.” Jane added.

Frankie held up his hands in surrender. “Never in a million years.”  His eyes twinkled in the porch light. “Good to see you again, Maura. When you guys decide to have babies, I’ll be glad to donate my sperm.”

Jane groaned and reached out intent on smacking him.  He chuckled and moved out of the line of fire.

Maura smiled immediately knowing how settle things. “I’ll have a magazine waiting. Do you prefer Playboy or Hustler?”

Jane roared with laughter.

Frankie’s eyes twinkled even more. “Good one. Come on in guys. Food’s getting cold.”

Maura was feeling more at ease by the second.

She entered to the sound of her name being bellowed by Angela and Frank Rizzoli alike.  Jane’s mother had arms around her before she could take more than a few steps.  Angela Rizzoli squeezed tightly and Maura returned it gladly.

When the embrace ended, Maura peered at Frank Rizzoli whose bushy eyebrows were raised in amusement and welcome. Maura grinned and fingered his tie. “Nice tie. It goes well with your shirt.”

Frank Rizzoli Sr. blushed, causing an explosion of laughter.

“Well, you know, it’s not every day that a pretty lady comes over.”

“What?!” Angela cried right before she cuffed him playfully in the back of the head.

“What I meant to say is a pretty lady already lives here. You see the difference? She came over… you live here?”

Angela Rizzoli rolled her eyes.

“So are you trying to say that I’m ugly?” Jane chimed in.

Frank Sr. sputtered. “I can’t win for losing. Let’s just eat.”

Maura smiled. Jane’s hand had remained in her back the whole time, giving her the support she needed. As they moved toward the table, Maura whispered in Jane’s ear. “I’d say you definitely got the best genes.”

Jane smiled at her and whispered back. “Did you just call me pretty?”

Maura nodded. “Scientifically speaking, you’re an excellent representation of the female form.”

“Funny,” Jane added. “I was just thinking the same thing about you earlier today.”

“Hey! No whispering at the table. That’s just plain rude,” Frank Jr. exclaimed.  “We should all get to hear.”  He smacked his lips and smiled.

Jane glared.

“We were talking about how evolution is kinder to some more than others.” Maura looked pointedly in Frankie’s direction.

Jane released a choked laugh.  “I’ll say.”

“We don’t use big words at this table.”  Frankie countered.

“What I understood what she said perfectly,” Angela Rizzoli added.  “We did send you to college right?”

Jane continued to chuckle.

Maura grinned.  _I’m enjoying this. I’ve always loved being here._ “If I had known it would cause all this upheaval…”

Angela Rizzoli’s eyes glittered knowingly. “You can speak however you want to in this house. We can always pull out the encyclopedias if we need to.”

“Do they still have those? I used to love reading them as a ch—“

The room exploded in laughter.

Maura looked around surprised and even more so when Jane pulled their chairs closer together and kissed her on the top of the head. “Don't worry about it. You're a hit like always."

Maura nodded but she was still unsure of what had occurred. “Did I miss—“

“No, it’s perfect.” Jane interrupted.

Warmth enveloped Maura and she peered up to see three sets of brown eyes smiling at her.  Her own family was a mockery of what she had here. Relief flooded her knowing that she had a second chance at this as well.

As dinner concluded, the conversation lapsed into baseball. When Angela Rizzoli rose to clean the table, Maura did as well, intent on helping.

Jane eyed her.  Maura brushed her shoulder and muttered. “It’s okay.”

Angela caught her eye and Maura could see the protest in them.  Maura squared her shoulders and picked up both Jane’s plate and her own.

The familiar Rizzoli smirk appeared and Maura grinned and followed Angela into the kitchen. With the both of them, only one more trip to the dining area was needed. They worked in companionable silence for a few minutes.

“So, you both took my advice. Nice to know that I’m right about some things.”

“Yes, you were and thank you.”

“No need for thanks. I know what’s best for Janie.”  Angela said.

“It’s hard to believe that you still think it’s me after everything that happened.”

“Did you see her in there? That’s the Janie I know. You may have brought the worst out in her but you also bring the best.”  Angela added.

“And you consider that a good trade?”

“Only if it doesn’t keep happening.”

“It won’t.”

“You sound sure.”

“I am.”  Maura said with conviction. _I don’t think I’ve never been more sure of anything._

Angela nodded. “Something else I know too.”

“What’s that?”

“You belong in this family.”

Emotion clogged Maura’s throat.

“Janie told me about that thing with your mother.”

“I want to believe that even though she said some horrible things...she’s not a horrible person.” Maura whispered.

“She hasn’t been around enough for you to really tell has she?”

Maura looked down at the towel in her hands then back up at Angela. “No, she hasn’t.”

“Well, consider this family back up.”

“Thank you,” Maura murmured. She returned Angela Rizzoli’s second hug with fervor.

“I have to tell you. It’s nice to have someone to hug because Janie and her brother are so hands off most of the time.”

“Really? She’s never been that way with…me.  I suppose that’s different.”

Angela laughed. “Oh yeah it is.”

Silence fell between them once more as they finished the dishes.

“I would ask you to help me with desert---“

“That won’t be a problem.”

“You two can have yours later. I think there’s something else you two need to take care of.”

Maura blinked in confusion. “I don’t—“

Angela sighed in what sounded like exasperation.  “You can help her clean up her room. I left some garbage bags just inside the door.”

“Oh.” Realization dawned. _The room I made her destroy._   “That’s an excellent idea because it’s my fault after all.”

“Don’t think of it that way.” Angela shrugged. “When things are torn down…you rebuild it.”

A meaningful look passed between them.

“Just like I’m doing now.”  Maura said in acknowledgement.

“Mmm.” 

Maura nodded. _My God she is a brilliant woman._

A few seconds later, Maura was back in the dining room.  Jane’s head was tilted back in laughter. Enraptured by the sight, Maura stopped to enjoy it.  _She really is beautiful._   As if feeling the gaze, Jane’s  eyes found hers.

Jane smiled and waved her over.  As she got closer, Jane reached out her hand and Maura gladly took it. Frankie rolled his eyes but continued the animated conversation about the Red Sox with his father.

“What’s up?”  Jane asked in a whisper.

Making sure she held her gaze, Maura answered, “Come with me. Please?” _This is going to be hard for her…for us._

Jane’s expression turned serious. “Okay.” Her tone was hesitant but still she stood, letting Maura lead.

As they made their way down the hallway, Maura could feel Jane tense. “There’s no reason for us to be down this way.”

Maura swallowed. “Yes there is.”

“The hell there is.”  Jane stopped and snatched her hand away.

Maura turned. Refusing to let this get away from them, she closed the distance between them.  Maura trailed her fingertips over Jane’s clenching jaw. “I know what’s in there,” she whispered.

Jane looked down at her feet. Her hands were clenched at her side.

Maura’s fingers ghosted over Jane’s lips then under her chin, raising Jane’s eyes to her own. “Please, we have to do this.”  _Trust me. Please trust me._

Jane’s eyes were almost black with distressed intensity. She closed them. When they opened again, she sucked in a deep breath and nodded.

Their hands entwined once more.

When Maura opened the door to the bedroom, Jane gasped. “I…I didn’t realize it was this bad.”

“It’s okay.” Maura grabbed a garbage bag and passed one to Jane. Reluctantly, she released her hand.  Maura kneeled and began picking up the floor.  In the periphery, she saw Jane peering around the room before eyes landed back on her.

For a few seconds, Jane just stared. Then, as if coming out of a trance, she flicked the bag open and began to copy Maura’s movements.

The air surrounding them was oppressive.

Maura could barely breathe, and she knew it had to be even worse for Jane. “It’s okay to be angry with me right now.”

Jane huffed but continued with her task. “I know, but I don’t know if I have it in me to feel that way toward you anymore,” she murmured.

Feeling unbelievably thankful, Maura asked, “What is it then?”

“Sad…just really sad that I let myself get here…that I let us get to that point.”

“It’s not a shared responsibility, Jane.”

“Bullshit!”  She threw the garbage bag to the ground.

Maura flinched but stood her ground. “It’s not true. What could you have done?”

“I could …I could’ve walked away!”  Jane sputtered. Her chest heaved.

Maura discarded her own bag and met the bombardment of emotions head on.  Her heart rattled in her chest. “Why are you defending me?”

They stared at each other.

“I’m not. I could have told you how I felt.”

Maura shook her head as a bitter laugh escaped. “Knowing what you do about me now…knowing where I was do you really think it would have made a difference then?”

“I—“

“No!  I…” Maura pointed at herself. “I hurt you. I ran, and I did it all on purpose.”

Jane’s eyes glistened with tears. “I know,” she croaked.  “I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay away.”

Maura’s feet moved of their own volition. She closed the distance between them. “Neither could I,” she whispered.

Lips crashed together. Maura wasn’t sure who started the embrace nor did she care. Her hands wound in Jane’s hair, tangling and tugging violently, mirroring the emotions storming through her.  There was loss. There was sadness. There was need, and most importantly there was a level acceptance. Maura whimpered and opened herself to Jane just as she should have long ago.

The detritus surrounding them was evidence of their worst point. With each brush of her lips, Maura tried vehemently to surround them in new memories. When breathing became paramount, Maura tore her mouth away and gasped for breath.

Jane moaned raggedly and held on to Maura for dear life.

“This is how I want you to remember us. This is how we should be,” Maura murmured as their mouths met again.

“Say it again,” Jane husked between breaths.

Maura shivered engulfed by heat, engulfed by Jane. “This…”  Jane’s tongue flicked over her lips as if she needed to taste the words.

But before she could finish the statement, Jane whispered, “I heard you.”

Maura heard a throat clear.  She leaned to the right and peered over Jane’s shoulder.

Angela Rizzoli stood looking contrite and embarrassed.

Jane refused to release her, and Maura refused to be the one who let go.  Maura tucked her head under Jane’s chin as they waited for Angela to speak.

“I heard screaming. I just wanted to make sure you two were okay.”

Maura felt the words vibrate from Jane’s chest as she spoke them.  “We’re okay, Ma.”

The soft snick of the door being closed was their only response.

 

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**

Jane stopped for a red light and took a moment to peer at her partner. _What the hell is with the look on his face? It looks like he’s confused._ She knew it had to be something interesting.  He had been distracted all morning. Jane felt suddenly selfish for waiting this long to address it and she opened her mouth to do just that.

“You’re a woman right?” Frost beat her to the punch.

Jane blinked. “No, I’m what they call the undiscovered gender.”

Frost rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. Yes, I’m a woman.”

“You’re a woman who’s been with a lot of women…”

“Hey! You don’t have to make it sound so slutty!” Jane exclaimed.

“Yes…yes I do. You’re my role model, Jane.”  He grinned.

Jane’s eyes narrowed. “Uh huh. What’s your point?”  The light turned green, pushing them a little bit closer to the latest crime scene.

The confused look returned to his face along with a little trepidation.  “It’s the 21st century and I know a woman has the prerogative to do what the hell she wants.”

Now, Jane’s forehead scrunched in confusion. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“I mean, it’s not the 70’s.” Frost rambled on. “I’m sure that was the style in the 70’s, but it’s just wrong now.”  He shook his head; closed his eyes; and shuddered.

“If you need me to smack you to get you back on topic I will.”  Jane added helpfully and with more than a hint of exasperation.

“You may need to. I keep having flash backs.”  Frost grimaced. “I’m sure there are some men and women who like that.”

“Like what?!”

“Met a fine woman last night. She was sassy, smart, and I could tell she was into me. Got her back to my place, and we barely made it to the couch. It was that good.  I got her out of her clothes and…”  Frost closed his eyes again. “From what I heard, black men don’t like going down on a woman, but I’m one of the exceptions.”

“Oh my God! Stop! Stop right now! My fucking ears are starting to bleed!”

“No, you’ve got to hear this. I promise there’s a moral to the story. Besides who else am I going to tell?”

“Korsak!” Jane bellowed.

“No! You’re more of a man than he is in this department.”

“That’s just…disturbing.”

“Just wait.  It gets even more disturbing let me finish.”  Frost paused as if to gather himself. “I reach to turn the lamp on, and I see it.”

“See what?”  Jane was resigned to listen at this point. _I’m guess I’m just one of the fucking boys._

“It was like she had a toupee between her legs!”

Jane blinked. “Wha—“

“I thought it was going to jump up, bite me, and then get up and walk the fuck away!”  Frost shook his head vehemently.

Jane blinked again then just simply roared with laughter. Tears leaked from the side of her eyes and she nearly swerved into the other lane.

“It’s not funny!”

“The fuck it isn’t!”  She gasped. 

“I have a fucking gun, you know.” Frost muttered.

“So do I.”  Jane’s chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath. “Okay, okay. What did you do?”

“I told her she had to leave. It was going to be like wading through a forest…”

Jane snorted. “You didn’t.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“Shave it for her? It can be an erotic experience.”

“That would have taken all night.”

Jane snorted some more. “You’re a horrible human being. You know that? Poor girl is probably traumatized.”

“So am I!”

“I’m pretty sure that can’t cause PTSD.”

“Well, I’d rather see a dead body right now, and you know how I can be with that.”

“You didn’t …throw up did you?”

“No!”

“Would you tell me if you did?”  Jane asked sweetly.

Frost glared.

Jane chuckled.

“I’m sure Maura has things in order down there.” Frost smirked. “Would you tell me if she did?”

“Smart ass.  I’m sure she does.”

“Wait. You don’t know yet?”

Jane sputtered. “No, we’re taking things slow.”  _Painfully.  If I had balls they would be the color of a rainbow by now, but it’s my own fault._

“This isn’t high school! How the hell do you do it? You must be lifting fucking cars.”  Frost reached out and wrapped a hand around her bicep.

“Stop it!”  Jane slapped his hand away.

“You’re left handed. Let me see.”

Jane felt her brow scrunch. “I can't I'm driving. What the hell  for?”

“To make sure that forearm wasn’t bigger than the other.” Frost smirked.

A light bulb came on. “I’m not a man! You’re fucking disgusting!”

“Well, you have to be doing something!  You have seen Maura, right? Trust me when I say that I’ve seen the way she looks at you. That girl does not play fair.”

Jane bit the inside of her cheek. _You got that right. Neither do I._   “Well, we’re still taking things slow.” Jane repeated and sighed.  _There has to be a synonym. I’m starting to sound like a fucking broken record and it’s getting harder and harder to listen to. What the hell is wrong with me? What am I waiting for?_ “I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”

“Who else are you going to tell?”

Jane grinned. “Korsak.”

They both laughed.

“Seriously though, Jane. Haven’t you guys been through enough?”

Jane nodded. “We have, but I think everything is falling back into place exactly where it’s supposed to be.”  After dinner at her parents, Jane felt some of the clutter clogging her mind drift away. _I can’t believe how right this feels. It’s scary as shit, but maybe Ma is right about that other shoe thing._

“How do you know sex won’t seal the deal?”

 _I don’t._   Spying the array of cars, barricades and onlookers, Jane muttered. “We’re here.”

“Smooth, Jane. Real smooth.”

Smiling at her partner, Jane added. “I thought so.”

“Uh huh. Oh, look who’s here. I wonder if I should check out her forearms.”  Frost said contritely.

“I’ll burn you another asshole.”  Jane growled.

Frost chuckled. “I’m so scared.”

Jane pushed him for good measure and smirked as he stumbled forward.

He laughed the whole time.

Jane eyed the crime scene and wondered how many people had trampled on it. It was a park after all and it was going to make CSU’s job all the more harder. _Fuck, this should be fun._   Her gaze landed on Maura.  Jane’s stomach clenched as her thoughts meandered. _I wonder if she does… stop it! This is work. Work!_ She licked her lips and ordered herself to behave.  _But what a sight that would be._  

Maura chose that moment to glance upward. A smile slowly turned her lips upward. She tilted her head to the side as she examined Jane in earnest. Green eyes seemed to twinkle and her smile widened to gigantic proportions.  Jane groaned inwardly, recognizing the look. _She’s even getting to know the dirty part of my mind a little too well._

Jane stopped in front of Maura. “Shouldn’t your attention be on the body?”

“I can multi-task.” Maura answered.  “But, you’re right of course. Later?” Maura asked. Her grin turned saucy.

“Maybe.”  Jane bit her lip to keep from smirking. _She is so very bad. Why didn’t Addison tell me?_ Clearing her throat, Jane peered at the body covered in a white powdery substance. _Head in the game, Jane._   “Is that—“ Jane glanced to the side as Frost bumped her shoulder.

“It’s exactly what it looks like,” Maura interrupted.

“Cocaine. It’s a hell of a drug.”  He deadpanned as his features relayed his disgust at the corpse in front of him.

Rolling her eyes, Jane could not resist the chuckle that escaped. “Do you ever turn it off?”

Frost put a hand over his heart. “I can’t pick and choose when the ghost of Dave Chappelle possesses me.”

“He’s not dead.”

Frost paused. “You sure?”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, no then. I guess I can’t turn it off.” He shrugged.

Jane’s gaze turned back to Maura who peered at them strangely. “What?”

“Did you two want to be alone?” Maura asked with an amused grin.

“I think you two…” Frost pointed at them. “Need the time more than we do.”

“Frost…” Jane growled.

“I couldn’t agree more.”  Maura added.

Jane glared at them both. “Fine.  Jump all over me why don’t you?”  Her gaze ended on Maura accusingly. Jane’s throat dried as green eyes seemed to darken.  Jane was learning all about Maura’s dirty mind as well, and she got the distinct impression that jumping on her was exactly what Maura wanted to do. “Uhm…”

Frost snickered.

“Cause of death?”  Jane squeaked.

“The big fucking hole in his chest?” Frost said with amusement but still somehow managed to look a little green around the gills.

“Yeah, right.”  Jane cleared her throat.  _Head in the game!_ She repeated to herself.  “Did CSU check the **forest** for a weapon?”  Her lips twitched as she stared at Frost.

He glared.

“I’m sure they’re getting to that.” Maura answered. “It has to be somewhat difficult with so many people around.”

“Yeah, but I wonder where narco is? They should be all over this too. I would think.” Frost added.

“Mm, true, but it’s a murder too.”  Jane said.

“Ohh, maybe you get to work with some of your old buddies.”

“I always got the impression that Jane didn’t like---“  Maura started.

They both stared at Maura.

“You were being facetious.”

Jane smiled.

Maura ahemed elegantly. “From the looks of things, the actual shooting took place over there.” She pointed at a copse of trees. “The amount of blood is telling. The drag marks and blood trail that lead to this spot suggest that he crawled here and expired. His temperature and the beginning stages of livor mortis put time of death at approximately four hours ago.”

“Hmm.”  Jane peered around to see some uniforms questioning a rather shaken looking young woman. “Hell of a thing to see on a morning run.”  Her eyes continued to scan the crowd. “And it’s hard to believe that there’s that many people here this early in the morning.”

Frost shrugged. “It’s the information age. I’m sure Twitter and Facebook had a lot to do with that.”

“Well, that’s just pitiful.”  Jane muttered then nodded as Korsak ambled up beside her.

“I was on my way in when I heard the chatter. Had to come see it for myself.”  Korsak whistled as he stared at the body. “Cocaine is a hell of a drug.”

Jane smacked her old partner on the back and smirked at her new one. “Frost does a better Dave Chappelle impression than you do.”

Frost gave her a toothy grin in acknowledgement.

Bushy eyebrows lowered in obvious confusion. “Who?”

“It’s best not to ask Detective Korsak.” Maura answered.

Jane chuckled.  “C’mon Frost. The jogger can’t be the only witness. Let’s see what the uniforms have.”

Frost nodded.

“Later, Maura?”  Jane cringed noticing the dip in her voice. _God, I have it bad._

“Definitely,” Maura answered just as intimately. As if realizing her professionalism had slipped once more, she quickly added, “I’ll have a preliminary for you as soon as I can.”

Jane didn’t miss the smirk that passed between Frost and Korsak.

*

As Jane neared the uniformed officers, her game face settled into place. Thoughts of Maura, feelings for Maura, and the need for Maura lay tucked away just under the surface, waiting to be exposed again. She listened intently as one of the more eager officers outlined the particulars.

The crowd beside her seemed to lean in, hoping to glean a scrap of interesting information.  Jane turned her back on them and huddled closer to her partner.  “Ten possible witnesses so far. All the stories are pretty similar and no ID on the body.”  Jane could hear the exasperation in her own voice.

“Figures,” Frost muttered.  “It would be nice if just once everything was all tied up in a neat little bow.”

Jane snorted. “Fat fucking chance.”

“Excuse me? Excuse me, officers!”

They turned toward the voice.

Jane’s eyebrows nearly shot off her forehead. The man addressing them was sweaty but it wasn’t because he was jogging…not with jeans and a button down on anyway.  She glanced at her partner who raised a silent brow in surprise.  “Yeah? And it’s Detective Rizzoli.”

“Yeah, whatever.  The dead guy? His name is Donald. Donald Smithers.”  The man wiped at his nose.

Jane’s eyes narrowed as she took in his trembling hand and pasty pallor. _This guy has a red flag pasted to his head._ “And you are?”

“His brother. I’m Steve.”

“Sorry for you loss, Steve.”  Jane muttered.

“Yeah, well shit happens. You know?”

  _Yes shit does._ “Was your brother into drugs?”

Steve snorted and immediately wiped at his nose, but Jane didn’t miss the blood.

 _Holy shit! From Frost’s mouth to God’s ear. What the fuck?_   Jane heard Frost sigh, knowing he was thinking the same thing. “Are you? Because I’m willing to bet that some of the Coke that’s covering your brother has been up your nose.”

His eyes widened.

Jane smiled. _Time to wrap him up in that bow._

On a dime, Steve turned and ran, knocking a few people down along the way.

Immediately, Jane gave chase. _Why do they **always** have to run? _ She cut through the crowd and ignored the indignant yells coming her way. When she waded through, Jane smirked. Her perp was only a few feet away. She increased her speed and lunged.

He screamed when he hit the ground. 

Jane put a knee in his back as she cuffed him.

“Is it Christmas or something? Because that right there…was some weird shit.”

She peered up and wasn’t surprised at all to see Frost at her side. “Don’t know. Let’s ask him. Are you really that high or are you just an idiot?”

“He deserved it!  I’m pleading insanity. Insanity!”  Steve turned his head and yelled at the top of his lungs.

“Idiot.”  Jane and Frost said simultaneously.

Jane stood and helped her collar up as well. She turned toward the crowd and saw an array of phones pointed in her direction. She groaned.

“Oh! You know this is so going to be on You Tube. I thought the thing with the fat guy was better though.”  Frost’s grin was childlike.

“Shut up.”

*

Jane sat at her desk and rolled her eyes as Frost came and sat on his favorite corner. His expression was teeming with excitement.  “What?”

“You got over three thousand hits in a couple of hours!”

“Someone really put it up there?”  She asked in shock. _I’m never going to hear the end of this._

“Well there are several actually. Mr. Smithers made you famous.”

“I’m more satisfied with Mr. Smithers caving in like a baby. I guess being fed up with his brother’s treatment and a little too much Coke makes you do fucked up things. Plus we got a cherry…the name of a dealer.”

Frost chuckled. “Uh huh…you’re not going to look at it are you?”

“Nope.”

“Come on!”

“Nope.”

“Why not?” Frost cried.

“I was just doing my job.”

“Your modesty is sickening.”

Jane laughed. “If you hurry, maybe you can go watch the number of hits change as it actually happens.”

Frost’s narrowed his eyes and walked away.

With another case out of the way, Jane’s mind felt free enough to wander to what was fast becoming her favorite subject, Maura. They took a giant leap forward a couple of days ago. Everything that could be said about the mess they were had finally been uttered… of this Jane was sure. The relief she felt was palpable and ever present like a living breathing thing. A sense of belonging…a sense of rightness settled over her was like a warm blanket, and Jane acknowledged that it was a perfect fit. _I have to agree. It feels like we should have always been like this._  It was natural to feel this way; to want this way; and to need this way.  Last night was the perfect example.

 

_Jane smiled. She felt Maura’s hand tighten in her own as they got closer to her door. “I’m glad you left the waiter an extra tip. I feel kind of sorry for the guy, but it was funny as hell. All I did was take my jacket off. What did he think we were going to do? Eat pizza then rob the place?_

_“It was rather odd, given the circumstance, for him to react that way to the sight of a gun. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s eyes get so large, and did you see the way his hands were shaking? I’m sure he would’ve fainted if we had sent anything back.” Maura’s voice was alight with humor.  “How did you remember to put your badge away but not your weapon?”_

_Chuckling, Jane answered. “I don’t know. I was in a hurry. I was already running late because Frost told me about a short cut to avoid traffic. I didn’t want you waiting in the garage any longer than necessary.”  She sniffed.  “Last time I listen to him. Anyway, the badge was on my belt poking me but the gun sits perfectly…most of the time it’s just an extension of me. I guess.”   She gave Maura’s hand a squeeze. “You didn’t notice either.”_

_Maura hummed in acknowledgment. “Maybe I think of it as an extension of you as well. Thanks for dinner by the way. I have to say it’s never boring.”_

_“Well, I barely got to see you at all today.”  Jane shrugged. “And it was just pizza and beer.”_

_“No, it was you and me. Like it always should’ve been.”_

_They walked up Maura’s steps._

_“Well, yeah. There’s that and I kinda like having you around as much as possible.”_

_“I’ve noticed, and I’m not complaining.” Maura added._

_“I didn’t think you would.”_

_They paused and peered at the door._

_“Do you want to come in for a while?”  Maura asked. Her eyes went from pleading to smoldering within a matter of seconds._

_Jane swallowed the grinned. “Not if you’re going to look at me like that.”_

_Maura huffed as if she were put off by Jane’s response. “I’ll be good.” But the smile she wore showed that she wasn’t perturbed at all. “I promise.” She finished with a whisper and closed the minute distance between them._

_“Of that I have no doubt.” Jane husked and attempted to clamp down on the near pornographic images streaming in her head. She groaned as Maura engulfed her in a hug. It should have been innocent, but the nails digging into her back told another story entirely as did the lips that brushed against her neck._

_“Jane?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“I really had no idea it would be this hard, but I am…enjoying this immensely.”  Maura whispered as lips ghosted over Jane’s chin._

_Fire licked at Jane’s belly._

_Jane tangled her hand in Maura’s hair and pulled just as their mouths were about to meet. “I don’t think you would it enjoy it as much if you didn’t play dirty. You’re very good at being bad.”_

_Maura’s tongue flicked over Jane’s bottom lip, proving the point in grand fashion, and as a result, Jane’s entire body clenched in immediate arousal._

_“I haven’t heard you complain,” Maura murmured thickly._

_“There’s nothing to complain about.”  Jane’s tone was ragged and breathless._

_“Goo—“  The word ended in a heated moan._

_Jane whimpered as Maura’s tongue raked over the roof of her mouth before battling with her own. Long minutes later, Jane tore herself away to suck wind even though she wanted nothing more than to continue sucking Maura’s tongue._

_“Oh, God…have I told you how good you are at that?”  Maura asked as she tried to catch her own breath._

_“Mmm, you’re not so bad yourself.”_

_“Are you sure you don’t want to come in?” Green eyes promised things. Sexy, pleasurable things._

_Jane nodded yes, but muttered, “No.”_

_Maura laughed. “Your words don’t match your actions.”_

_“I don’t think you have any idea how much I want to fuck you right now.”_

_The laughter stopped but a whimper erupted. “You can’t…say things like that to me. I can’t be held responsible for what I do.”  Green eyes were darker than she had ever seen them. A heavy flush covered Maura’s face and disappeared down her neck. Full lips were parted, moist and deliciously swollen._

_Jane’s mouth continued to hover dangerously close and Maura’s trembling body almost unraveled her completely.  The next words out of her mouth were the hardest she had ever spoken._

_“But we’re taking things slowly.”  Jane whispered even though something screamed at her that she didn’t feel it…didn’t mean it._

_“I’m beginning to detest adverbs in every form. Especially that one.”  Maura sounded pained but still somewhat amused._

_Jane grinned through thundering arousal. “I can imagine.” She sobered a little. “I’m sorry just give me—“_

_Maura planted as chaste a kiss as she could manage on Jane’s lips. “I know. You’ll let me know when you’re ready?”_

_“Fuck yes!”_

_Jane felt Maura’s shiver and smirked. “I’ll try to watch my language too.”_

_Maura’s eyes sparkled with humor and unbelievable heat. “You do that. I suppose I should say good night.”_

_“I suppose.”  Unable to help herself, Jane brushed Maura’s lips once more. She stepped away, marveling at her own self-control. “Good night, Maura.”_

The sudden sound of her ringing phone yanked Jane from her reverie. She snatched it up.  “Rizzoli.”  Jane cringed, hoping whoever was on the other end didn’t notice the breathless quality of her voice.

“I know you’re slumming it talking to me being a homicide detective and all…”

Jane swallowed her irritation at the interruption. “Johnson, you should be happy I’m here. I think I just got you a break in one of your cases…”

**

Maura peered at the phone on her desk. She reached for it then snatched her hand away as if it were on fire. She was appalled at her level of indecisiveness. She was appalled at her complete and utter state of distraction, and it was all Jane’s fault.  Maura hadn’t been lying about enjoying herself.  Every date, every kiss, every look and every caress brought them closer. The previous night had left her shaken and with a bone deep ache that seemed to dig in as if it were going to stay a while.

She also hadn’t been lying about the difficulty. Excruciating was a more appropriate synonym.  It was a strange feeling really as if the blood flow to her brain had altered course and pooled every single drop to the south.

Maura knew the science and logic behind it. _Increased dopamine levels that leads to lightheadedness, heart palpitations, impaired cognitive functioning, and increased synaptic activity that stimulates the pleasure center of the brain.  I’ve been feeling it for some time now, but it has grown exponentially._ Still, logic had not helped her at all, but Maura had to admit that she was proud of herself. A month ago these feelings would have further initiated a flight response, but now all she wanted to do was burrow deeper into Jane.

 _There is something holding her back, and I have to respect that._  When the last piece of debris was picked up from Jane’s room, an air of finality surrounded them.  For Maura, there was a freedom in that, but for Jane there was obviously still something missing.

While her head continued to try to make sense of everything, her body…her heart just screamed. _Jane will feel responsible if I tell her how I’m feeling._ Just the thought of being deprived a fraction of the fire that Jane brought with her made Maura reel even more. In retrospect, it all seemed silly in the scheme of things, but it didn’t stop her from experiencing it.

Maura stared at the phone once more. There was only one other avenue to take and that path had always been fruitful.  Maura hoped that the act of revealing her bombarding emotions would make some sense of it all.  Without another moment of hesitation, she reached for the phone.

“Don’t hang up.”  Maura pleaded. It would have been a total Addison thing to do.

“Are you bleeding?”

“No.”

“Is Jane?”

“No, but---”

“Did you fuck up?”

“No, but--- ”

“Did she?”

“No! Addison please!”

Maura heard a sigh.

“I could have sworn I said a week, Maura. I know I’m wonderful, but did you miss me that much?”

“Well yes… and no.”

Addison chuckled. “I’m almost flattered.  Almost.”

“Do you have a few minutes?”

“I’ll give you a whole ten.”

“Addison!”

“Twelve?”

Maura lapsed into silence and hoped that her irritation transferred well over the phone.

“God, I just love pissing you off. That will never get old. I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you text me picture of your face right now.”

Maura sighed. “Are you done?”

“Maybe. We’ll see in a few minutes. Now, what’s up?”

“I suppose I should give you a report. Things are going extremely well. However, I consider myself a very patient and understanding person---“

“Oh, I see. She hasn’t fucked **you** yet.”

Maura flinched internally at the language but it was Addison after all. “Well, no but she’s very demonstrative---“             




“And the top of your head is about to explode.”

“That is… an interesting attempt at paraphrasing.”

Addison roared with laughter. “Tomato…tomato my friend.”

“Obviously.”

“So you’re calling me for help getting in her pants?”

“ No…yes… Maybe? It sounds so awful when you say it.”

“Yet, it all means the same thing.”  Addison stated.

“Maybe I just need someone to talk to about it?”

“Well, I’ve got a novel idea. Are you ready for it? Talk to Jane about it.”

“I can’t. I don’t want her to feel pressured. I understand that there are some things to work through still, but I can’t seem to keep my hands to myself.”  Maura added.

“Ah, I see. That Maura has come out to play. She really ripped the door off your hinges didn’t she?”

“I’m not sure. What do you mean by **that** Maura?”

“The one that doesn’t mind getting a little dirty.  I remember her fondly.”

Maura opened her mouth to speak. “Oh.”

“Uh huh. Oh.”

“That one.”  Maura murmured. _I knew this conversation was inevitable._

“Mmm hmm.”

“I suppose you are well acquainted.”

“Yes. Now, are you done with the subterfuge? I like it better when you’re blunt. What’s really going on here?”  Addison asked.

“Well, I thought it best to tread lightly. You are an…ex for both of us in a fashion.”

“What? What does that have to do with anything?  Have you been drinking or something? We’re all friends here. Relax.”

Maura willed the tension from her shoulders. “I should be afraid.”

“Of?”

“The way I am with her. With you it was consuming, but with Jane, there is no comparison.”

Addison was silent for a moment. “And you’re upset that you’re not scared?”

“I’m not upset.”  Maura could hear the confusion in Addison’s voice.

“Then what are you?”

“I’m happy. I’m aroused and a bevy of other things.”  Maura found herself grasping at straws in an attempt to describe the myriad of emotions teeming through her. “I know it doesn’t all make s—“

“Sense? I don’t think it supposed to. Just go with what you’re feeling.”

Maura’s aggravation went up a notch. _This isn’t coming out correctly. I must sound like I have a mood disorder._ “I’m trying. I tried last night and the day before.”

“Maura? You’re hedging and jumping all over the place. I thought we were being blunt.”

Maura closed her eyes. _She must think that I’m going insane. Why can’t I just say it?_ “I enjoy our time together. I do, but… I don’t think I’ve ever been so sexually frustrated in my life.”  Maura cringed. She sounded somewhat petulant to her own ears.

There was dead silence on the other end.

“Addison?”

“Just…don’t speak. Give me a minute.”

Maura pressed her ear as close to the phone as possible. She could have sworn she heard muffled laughter.  “Addison! Are you laughing at me?!”

“I won’t be if you give me a minute!”

“You won’t be offended if I hang up right now will you?”  Maura made sure her tone was dripping with sarcasm.

“Wait! I’m sorry. All of that just to get you to admit you’re frustrated?”

Maura sighed for the millionth time. “I didn’t want to seem petty.”

“Instead you just sounded schizophrenic. “ Addison paused. “So do you feel better now that you’ve actually said it?”

Maura searched inward.  She didn’t feel less frustrated, but she had to admit she felt less burdened by it. _It will have to do for now._  “I suppose. Things do feel a bit…lighter.”

“Well, this should help even more. I’m sure she’s just as pent up as you are, if she is getting a fraction of the heat I remember you generating. That combined with the fact she hasn’t really been touched in a while I’m surprised Jane isn’t drooling idiot at this point. Unless, she’s taking things into her own hands.”

The mental images ratcheted Maura’s awareness back up several notches.  _I don’t think I’ll survive this._

“I bet that put some wickedly intense images in your head.  If it will help…,” Addison’s voice turned playful. “…I’ll write you a script and you can pretend it’s doctor’s orders.”

“I’m not following.”

“Masturbation, Maura. I’m positive it’s good for what ails you.”  Addison chuckled. “I bet that threesome is looking like Heaven now.”

For once, Maura detected a flaw in Addison’s logic. _It will make me want her even more._ A light bulb brightened and Maura had a sneaking suspicion that this was the point entirely. “You really are insufferable.”

“Affectionately so in your case. You’re on to me?”

“Completely.”

“Just enjoy the foreplay, Maura, and don’t be afraid to crank it up a notch. What could it hurt? Listen, I’ve got to go. Surgery in twenty minutes.”

 “I suppose that does take precedence.”

Addison laughed. “On some days, and hey, don’t worry. She will come around. You just keep being you and it will remind Jane that she needs to be Jane.”

“I’ve learned that it’s wise to take your advice.”

“Good girl. Now, I’ve got to go, but I miss you guys. To be honest, if you hadn’t called I probably would have really soon.”

Maura smiled. Addison was brash, blunt and at times totally uncouth, but it was all wrapped around a heart big as all outdoors. “I miss you too. Go prep for your surgery.”

Maura bit her lip and smiled around it. _Addison, you do know how to put things into perspective._ She eased back into the leather bound chair then decided she needed to move in order to contemplate the advice given. When a couple of minutes had past and she walked a slow circle around her desk, Maura decided she was overanalyzing. _Isn’t that one of my biggest issues? Maybe action would be more appropriate for once._ Maura sat on the front edge of her desk and reached for the phone once more.

“Rizzoli.”

“I have the prelims you needed.”

“Didn’t you hear? We caught the guy. There’s no rush. It’ll keep until later.”

A grin pulled at Maura’s lips. “Yes, I certainly heard. Everyone down here is complete awe.”

“Well, hell I’m sure as hell not coming down there now. I’m still waiting for someone up here to start that slow clap thing.”

“I’m not at all sure what that is, but there’s no need to explain. Would it help if I said that I’m in awe of you as well?”

Jane groaned. “Maura! You watched it too?”

“Well, no, but I have to say that I’ve been in awe for some time now.”

“Really?” The smile in Jane’s voice was obvious.

“You should come down and see.”

Jane laughed out loud. “You do really well with this flirting thing. You’re a natural.”

“You should come see that as well, and it’s your fault really. Something just seems to come over me when you’re around.” _This is who I am with her. Addison is correct. I should embrace it._

“We’re on the phone, Maura.”

“Well, apparently it happens when speaking too.”

“So, you’re saying I bring it out in you?”

“Most certainly.” Maura answered breathlessly.

“What else is hiding in there?”  Jane murmured huskily.

“I haven’t the foggiest, but if you’d like to come down…for those prelims.”

The sound of Jane’s breath hitching was even obvious over the phone. “Be there in a sec.”

A few minutes ticked by. Anticipation extended the seconds making sure the knot in her stomach cinched a little tighter and her heart beat a bit faster.  She welcomed it. On the outside, the calm façade remained. Maura brushed imagined lint from her skirt and began to rise from her impromptu seating. On the inside, she burned and even more so as Jane closed in.

“Don’t get up on my account.” Jane whispered. Dark eyes glittered.  She stood in the open door way. Taking a few steps in, she closed the door with a soft snick before securing the lock. The fancy blinds on the windows came next.  The sound the wooden slats made as they clapped together cut an erotic swath through the room seconded only by the sound of their breathing.

Maura watched transfixed as the scene played out in front of her in slow motion. Still she gasped when Jane stopped in front of her. Warm, soft hands slid her skirt up a few inches, leaving a scorching trail of heat on her skin.  Maura’s legs opened for her as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

The heat that Jane brought with her was volcanic. Combined with Maura’s it was the consistency of the sun. Maura’s hands tangled in Jane’s hair as if they had always belonged there. Foreheads touched and they took part of the same breath.

“Shouldn’t you be working?”  Jane asked. Her voice was deep and huskier than usual. Jane’s hands clenched at Maura’s thighs, digging in as if she was trying to anchor herself.  Maybe she was.

Maura swallowed, fast becoming overwhelmed by what she was feeling. “No…I should be doing _this_.”  She paused and tried to gather herself. “I think I’ve been… remiss in showing you how much you’re wanted, but when you leave here, I think you’ll understand.”

“I think I kn—“

“No, Jane. You have no idea.”  Maura felt the need seeping through her pores, radiating from her, and she hoped that Jane drowned in it.

Brown eyes already dark with her own yearnings turned obsidian as their gazes clashed. Jane’s breath became positively ragged. Before another word could be uttered, Maura surged forward crashing their lips together.

The meeting was savage.

Maura poured everything she was…everything Jane had made her into the embrace. Every flick of her tongue depicted desire in its rawest form. Every nip, every suck, every whimper was a benediction as she reveled in her own need.

Jane’s answering moan was loud, guttural and decidedly helpless.  Her hands flexed against Maura’s thighs, pulling her impossibly closer.

Maura kicked her shoes to the floor and wrapped her legs around Jane. The roll of hips was almost immediate bringing with it crashing waves of arousal. A triumphant sob exploded from Maura’s throat.

Maura brushed files and other contents to the floor to make room as Jane moved them forward. In the distance, there was a shrill sound but it could barely be heard over the thumping of her heart.  Then, the noise changed and inched closer.

Maura whimpered as recognition set in.

Jane’s cell phone finally stopped ringing then began again almost immediately.  Jane wrenched her mouth away but clung to Maura as if life depended on it.  Full lips were swollen. Dark eyes were cloudy, and her expression held wonderment and arousal.

Maura’s stomach knotted at the sight. “No,” she whispered.  She was nowhere near ready for the moment to end.

Jane brought their lips together once more before their foreheads touched.  Phones continued to buzz around them mixed with the sounds of ragged breathing.  It looked as if pain flashed over Jane’s features as she stepped away.

Their eyes held the connection.

Reaching for her phone, Jane muttered, “Yeah?”

She sighed. “No, I’m in the building. I’ll be there in a second.”

There was a pause. Jane reached out and brushed her thumb across Maura’s bottom lip. “Jesus,” she whispered.  “No, not you. Just wait for me out front. I’m coming.”

Charged silence surrounded them.

Maura closed her eyes as Jane backed away completely. When she opened them again, Jane was inching backward toward the door.  There were no words needed between them. Jane’s expression said it all. Brown eyes glittered with a new understanding.

Maura brought a hand to her stomach in an attempt to control the quivering. Taking several deep breaths, she smoothed her hands down the sides of her skirt and rose as the phone started ringing again.  Her legs felt like rubber. Her insides tingled, and the arousal she was left with was nearing uncomfortable. _It was worth it…every single second._   Maura cleared her throat then picked up the phone.

**

In a perfect depiction of multi-tasking, Jane gave Frost her ears while her eyes studied Maura. _I have to figure all of this out sooner rather than later. I can’t take this anymore. What the fuck is wrong with me?_

“Did you hear a word I said?” Frost’s tone was incredulous.

“Yes! Let the uniforms take the witnesses for now. Let’s go talk to CSU and give Maura some time to look things over.”  Jane countered.

“What is up with you?”

“I just got a lot on my mind right now.”

Jane didn’t even have to look at him. She felt his concern. “It’s nothing bad.”

“Ah, okay I know that look then. Maura just has your nose wide open…”  Frost muttered as he walked away.

“What?” Jane asked trailing behind him.

Time seemed to drag. When she got to Maura it felt like several hours had passed.  Maura looked up at her and green eyes glittered as if they held a thousand secrets.  Jane met her gaze and smiled because she knew them all.

Maura’s lips turned upward slightly before she started to speak. “He has obvious blunt force trauma to the cranial area and rigor has come and gone.”

“So, he’s been out here for at least forty eight hours.”  Jane added.

“I’ll say.” Frost covered his nose and looked away.

They continued to examine the scene as Maura relayed initial findings. When the body was rolled away, Maura turned to Jane. “Dinner tonight?  I’ll buy.”

Jane nodded and smiled. “It may be late.”

“I don’t care.”

Jane watched her walk away. _Time to get your shit together Jane. Look at what’s waiting on you. Get it through your head that no shoes are going to fucking drop!_

**

“Did you leave your gun this time?”  Maura asked with a smile.

“Yesss!  This place is so frou-frou I’d probably get kicked out if I had it.”

“It is not. It’s moderately priced.”

Jane snorted. “Olive Garden is moderately priced, Maura.”

Green eyes sparkled, knowing she was being toyed with.  Jane smirked. “Thanks for waiting. It’s after nine you have to be starving by now.”

“And you must be exhausted.” Maura brought the glass of water to her lips. “There was no point in going home. Too much work to be done.”

“It has been a long but…interesting day.” Jane quirked a brow.  “I even got a text from Addison telling me to hold on to something?”

Maura peered at her over the top of the water glass. She sat it down with a thud. “I did…talk to her earlier.”

“Mmm,” Jane decided it wasn’t worth it to push further. _If she didn’t call I was probably going to._   “How is she?”

“She’s Addison.”

“Enough said, I guess.”

Their gazes met and held.

Jane’s insides shivered as erotic images flashed. _Ah hell._

“Jane? What are you thinking about?”

“I don’t think you even have to ask. I’ve never been speechless before, Maura.”

“Is that a compliment?”  Maura’s eyes twinkled happily.

“A huge one.”  Jane reached across the table covering Maura’s hand with her own.

“I’ve never felt this way before. I had to show you.” Maura whispered as she laced their fingers together.

“Me either.”  Jane sighed. “You know I want this…that I want you?”

“I do, and I know you’re not ready—“

“The past year my life has been shit.” Jane interrupted. “Every time I turned around the walls were caving in on me. I got used to it.”  Jane smiled at the sudden squeeze of her hand.

“I knew you were scared before, but you think that’s going to happen here?”

“No…yes…the hell if I know, and before you say it I trust you.”

Maura looked relieved.

“We’re past that, Maura.”  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the waiter approach. Jane waved him away.

“Then what do you think it is?”

“I don’t know, but it’s like right there in front of me…”

“I’m here to help in any way I can, Jane.”

“I know.”  Jane knew the moment was serious, but she didn’t want to bog it down any more than it already was. “If kissing me like you did earlier is your idea of help, I’ll find everything I need and religion too.”

Maura’s eyes widened and laughter escaped. “Jane!”

“Oh, don’t act like you’re all affronted.  You love it.”

“Affronted?” Maura grinned.

Jane glared.

Maura’s grin widened. “I do, but I was trying to be serious.”

Jane shrugged. “I know, but—“

“You were just being Jane. I know. Just don’t stop talking to me, okay?”

“I won’t.”   

Jane spied the waiter waiting in the wings and beckoned him over.  She glanced at Maura, “Order me some moderately priced wine. I’ll be back in a minute.”  Jane smirked and stood up from her chair.

Making her way toward an area that looked like it would house bathrooms, Jane gave a mental sigh of relief. Maura was many things and understanding was amongst them.  _Yeah, but if that kiss is any indicator she doesn’t have the patience of a saint. Maybe I should make a call to Addison after all._

“Jane.”

Deep in her own thoughts, the sound of her name made Jane spin around. She felt her eyebrows crawl up her forehead. _Well shit. It's a small world after all._ “Peter.”

“I saw the two of you come in. I’m not stalking or anything. I was here with some friends, and I didn’t want to…bother Maura.”

“So you waited until I got up.”  Jane muttered. She wasn’t sure what to feel right now. There was apprehension, shock and a little trepidation thrown in just for color.

“Yeah. I’m not stalking…” He repeated. His eyes were pleading.

 _This is Peter. He's not like that. _Jane could have been a bitch. She could have gloated or she could have ignored him. But, just like Peter, she knew she wasn't like that either.__ “I know. You just caught me by surprise.”

Peter nodded. “This is already weird so I’m not going to keep you much longer.”  He paused and looked away. “I just wanted to say take care of her and good luck.”  His jaw flexed. “She really loves you…you know. I can see it in the way she looks at you.”

Jane’s breath caught in her throat. Her stomach fluttered. “I…”

Peter stared. “You didn’t know …did you?”  He shook his head. His eyes were sad, resigned. “Sometimes it takes somebody on the outside looking in…”

 _This is the second time today that I’ve been speechless._ The knowledge brought warmth with it. It settled over Jane and dribbled deep within.  She brought it back out and looked at it in wonderment and nearly forgot that Peter was there. “Yeah…sometimes.”

“I’d better let you get back to her.”  Peter reached out his hand then drew it back awkwardly.  “Take care, Jane.”

Jane watched him go. A part of her felt bad for him, but the bigger part tried to wrap itself around what he said and digest it.  _Does she love me? I know Addison said…_   Jane knew she could take the time to figure it out or she could just ask.

 


	19. Chapter 19

 

 

Swallowed by the sea of tables, Jane stood and watched Maura silently. She was aware of the few stragglers that remained because their eyes were on her. _She loves me._   Jane moved forward slowly at first, hesitant as disbelief tried to whittle its way through. _She loves me?_

Maura began to turn as if searching for her. When their eyes met, Maura smiled softly. The disbelief that tried to rear its head died a horrible death.  Janedidn’t want this battle. She wanted assurance. She needed it.  She started to move with purpose. _I need to know. No more questions. No more what ifs._

As Jane reached their table, she fished in her pockets and threw a fifty in the middle it. “Let’s go. I think we need to talk.” The demand sounded more gruff than she intended.  She pushed a nervous hand through her hair and hoped that she was the only one who noticed that it was trembling.

Maura balked in surprise. “I’m sorry. What?”

“Maura, please? I promise that it’s a conversation we really need to have.”

Her face must have spoken volumes. Maura nodded but concern had settled over her features. To make up for her tone, Jane helped Maura ease her seat back, and when she stood, Jane reached for her hand, guiding them toward the exit.

When they stepped outside, Maura tugged.  “Jane, you’re scaring me. Please talk to me.”

Feeling the urgency of the situation but wanting privacy, Jane muttered over her shoulder, “Just give me a minute.”

She heard Maura’s irritated sigh. _Fuck, I’m doing this all wrong. I’m sure there’re pamphlets on how to declare love without screwing it up._

“Jane, no. I need to know what’s going on.”

Jane took another step forward and found that she could go no further. She turned to see questions and fear alight in green eyes.

“Why are you shaking?” Maura asked.

 _Well, shit that cat’s out of the bag._ Jane sucked in a deep breath and released it slowly.  “It’s okay, Maura. I just—“

“No, it isn’t.”

“I just wanted to be somewhere comfortable for this.”

“For what?”

“You want to do this right here with people walking by?”  Jane asked as she eyed the passerbys. Some peered at them curiously while others eased by as if they didn’t exist.

“Yes!” Maura paused. “Do what?”  Blonde brows were scrunched and a little wrinkle appeared between them.  Her expression was telling. She had no idea.

Jane smirked. It was such an adorable Maura moment …one of many that she had recorded and replayed during the lean times.

“Why are you smiling…are you laughing at me?”

“No, I promise. I know I’m not doing this right.”  Jane reached for Maura’s other hand.

“Are you going to make me guess?  I abhor guessing, Jane.”

“I know you do. I should just spit it out, huh?”

“Yes!”

It looked as if Maura was about to throw a tantrum. The smirk widened.  _Obviously, I can’t help myself and there is something very wrong with me._   “Are you…going to stomp your foot? Because you look like—“

“Jane!” Maura exclaimed.

“Do you love me?”  The words fell from her lips with whispered grace.

Maura’s mouth opened and closed several times.  Her chest heaved and with the help of the street lights and well lit signs, Jane could see green eyes glitter.  Maura jerked her hand from Jane’s grasp only to shove her index finger in Jane’s face.

It shook accusingly. “You say these things…do these things just to rattle me.”

The finger began poking Jane’s chest. “Don’t you?!”

Jane’s smile was full. She could read the truth as clear as day behind the irritation. _Why didn’t I see it? It took Peter to give me a clue?_ Warmth suffused her and accelerated her heart.  Happiness soared through her veins, leaving her feeling lighter than air. She grasped Maura’s hand and flattened it against her chest. “You’re right. If you weren’t so easy---“

“I do.”  Maura interrupted with a heated murmur and stepped forward. “I don’t know when it happened, but I know I don’t want it to stop. It’s messy, overwhelming and out of control, but I don’t want it to stop.”  Her face shined with sincerity and obvious emotion.

The surrounding world disappeared and the lights around them brightened for them alone. Jane’s breath caught, but still, she had the wherewithal to close the distance between them. Reaching up, she brushed her finger tips over Maura’s cheek then over her lips.

As if knowing what she wanted, Maura murmured the words. “I love you.”

Gasping, Jane released a breath and found that her hands were shaking once more.  She felt the burn of tears in her eyes and knew this was the only woman she would let see everything. “Maura, I—“

“I know.” Maura covered Jane’s hand with her own, pressing a kiss into her palm. “But there is no word strong enough for this…for us.”

Exhaling shakily, Jane let the words soak into the remaining cracks. She swallowed and realized they were a perfect fit. _It can’t be that simple._   Out of nowhere, Maura’s lips skimmed softly over hers.  Feelings burst inside her and left no room for doubt and no room for hesitation.  There was only this woman and she now lived in every fiber of her being. _It is…it is that simple._ As the caress ended, Jane smiled in absolute wonder. Not satisfied until Maura was doing the same, Jane whispered, “I love you, Maura. I think I always have.”

She heard and saw Maura’s breath hitch. Then, her lips turned up in a beatific smile. “This is a dream. It has to be.”

Deliberately, one of Jane’s hands cinched at Maura’s waist then traced over the curve of her hip before dipping shamelessly over her rear, pinching the abundance of flesh there.

“Jane!” Maura squeaked in surprise and smacked her hand away.

Chuckling, Jane muttered, “That didn’t feel like a dream to me.”

Maura sighed but her eyes twinkled happily. “It really is never going to be boring with you is it?”

“Has it ever been?”

Shaking her head, Maura brought Jane’s hand to her lips, kissing the open palm. Her eyes closed in reverence of the moment and when they opened again, Jane saw everything she needed to see; her past, her present, and her future.  _I was thinking the worst, but this was the other shoe I was waiting for._   “Come on. Let’s go. I’m tired of giving everybody a show.”

 

**

Peter watched intently as they left. His two friends buzzed around him but he ignored the chatter. He knew the wound that Maura left had a while to go until it became a scab, but suddenly it felt incredibly fresh. Still, he closed his eyes as the last vestiges of acceptance and resignation fell into place. _She loves her. It was never me.  I have no choice but to accept that._  

He picked up his drink and turned as a hand clapped him on the back. A concerned gaze peered back at him. Peter nodded and smiled as the raucous laughter that exploded around him. It was time to move on and heal.

 **

 

The drive to Maura’s house was done in a pointed, heavy silence. Maura sat nearly sideways in her seat staring boldly. Jane felt Maura’s gaze as if it were burning into her flesh. When they paused for a red light, Jane turned.

Verdant eyes smoldered. “Are you staying for a little while tonight?”

Not answering right away, Jane leaned past the constraints of her seatbelt until they were a mere inches away. “All night if you’ll have me.”

Jane was close enough to feel Maura’s breath whisper over her lips and see her throat bob on a swallow. “I’ll have you,” Maura whispered thickly.

Jane literally shivered. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

The tension in the car increased tenfold.

Maura licked her lips and Jane could almost taste her.  Her stomach tightened in inevitable knots.

A horn blared loudly behind them, making them both jump.

Reluctantly, Jane turned back to the road and tried to steady herself. _God, I am in so much trouble here…the good kind._

Maura’s gaze never wavered.

Jane had barely turned off the ignition before Maura was in her lap.  She chuckled at her urgency and enthusiasm, but the chuckle quickly turned into a moan as her bottom lip disappeared into Maura’s mouth.

Her hands were everywhere pulling and tugging in an effort to get to bare flesh.  Jane hissed at the first touch over the flat surface of her stomach.

Ragged breathing filled the confined space, ramping up the heat and fogging the windows.

Knowing the woman in her embrace, Jane knew there was more behind Maura’s desire.  Jane slid both hands over Maura’s cheeks, the heat in her face was scorching, but the gesture seemed to calm her somewhat. Maura whimpered as they gazed at each other. 

“Shh, I’m not going to change my mind. I promise.”

Maura’s body seemed to sag in relief.

“Okay?”  Jane asked.

“Okay,” Maura whispered her answer.

A minute later, they stumbled from the car up the walkway and the few stairs. Jane stood behind Maura, itching to touch her but daring not to.  She was too ready, too willing, and whatever inhibitions she had placed between them were long gone.  Seconds ticked by but it seemed like an eternity. The door remained locked. “Do I need to kick it in?!”

“No! I need you to stop distracting me.”

“I’m just standing here.”  Jane countered.

“Being you and breathing.”

The door opened and Maura sighed. Unceremoniously, Jane pushed her in.  Before she could slam it closed behind her, Maura had her back against it.

Lips met in searing intensity.  Tongues battled but it didn’t matter who won. Using her legs, Jane propelled them forward toward their destination, Maura’s bedroom. Her insides trembled with anticipation.

Maura bit down on her bottom lip, making her gasp then whimper as her tongue traced over it sensuously.  Moving as gracefully as the embrace would allow, they entered Maura’s room bodies flushed against each other intent on getting closer but having nowhere else to go.

As Jane pushed forward, Maura propelled them backward against the wall. Desire screamed over Jane’s skin then down her spine. Maura’s aggressiveness literally made her gush, but she was never one to sit idle.

Jane growled intent on taking charge. She reached down grasping the material of Maura’s skirt, bunching it in her hands to get to the prize inside. Confusion swept over her when Maura stayed her progress.

“No… just…I know… no one has touched you.”

Jane swallowed and fell deeper into the green gaze.

“You’ve been waiting for me.” Maura leaned in, brushing her lips against Jane’s before blazing a heated trail across her cheek to Jane’s earlobe.

Jane gasped as moist lips and sharp teeth found a home there.

“Let me have you.”  Maura’s tone was breathless, needy.

“Oh, God.”  Jane’s stomach knotted as the words seeped into her core, wrapping around her and settling into every crack and crevice. Arousal was thick and cloying, singeing her blood and causing her heart to slam inside her chest.

“Please,” Maura pleaded. “I’ve been waiting for you too. I want you in my mouth…on my tongue.”

Jane’s breath caught in her chest but words exploded from it nonetheless. “Yesss.”

Maura whimpered at Jane’s surrender.

Their lips met once more in a desperate clash. Jane groaned at the sound of buttons flying and at Maura’s eagerness to get to flesh. 

She wasn’t disappointed. 

Jane groaned as Maura’s hands leaked fire from her stomach to her chest.  She wound her hands in Maura hair as soft lips latched onto her neck. Then, cried out as lips changed to teeth and heated tongue.

A rush of air greeted her as her breasts were finally exposed.  Then, her eyes rolled to the back of her head as Maura’s fingers plucked at already rigid tips. Maura’s answering moan only served to push Jane higher.

Maura’s tongue flicked over her lips as she murmured, “You taste so good,” before claiming them again.

With each tug of her nipples, Jane’s hips surged forward, seeking contact. The thigh nestled there was welcome relief aided by the seam of her jeans, but it was fleeting, leaving Jane grasping at Maura’s hips then at firm buttocks to deepen the contact. “Please,” Jane whispered between kisses.

Jane could feel Maura’s smile as her lips trailed over her chin.  “I haven’t even started.”

Jane whimpered helplessly.  She was in awe of this woman and her ability to reduce her into a throbbing mass of want. 

She could do nothing but hold on.

“Fuck!”  Jane was unprepared for the next wave of pleasure as moist heat flicked over her nipple. She glanced downward and an already dangerous arousal became epic as she watched her nipple then part of her breast disappear deep into the warm recesses of Maura’s mouth.  Electric tendrils shot south, landing between her legs where it was already swollen, throbbing and dripping.

Each breath from Jane’s lips was laced with a moan. Maura was relentless, sucking Jane in deep before branding aroused flesh with her teeth. Hips rolled of their own volition, speeding up as pleasure washed over her in a barreling wave.

Maura moved with her. Moaned with her, and after being deprived for so long, Jane felt herself coming apart at the seams.  Sweat dripped into her eyes burning them, but the pain did nothing to stop the inevitable. “You…have to stop. I’m…gonna come.”  Jane whispered brokenly, desperately.

Maura’s mouth was replaced by her hands. She squeezed and rolled sensitive peaks between her fingers. Her breath left a damp trail against Jane’s breast bone. “Then, come,” Maura murmured before filling her mouth yet again.

With one more graze of Maura’s tongue, Jane came undone.  She cried out harshly as fire spread, racing between her legs and arcing over her skin. Light exploded behind her eyes blinding her to everything except the satisfaction oozing through every pore. 

Jane murmured in protest as the thigh that had been her life line just a few scant seconds ago disappeared, but awareness somehow powered its way through as she felt a vicious tug at her belt followed by an even more hurried one on the button of her jeans.

Jane opened her eyes and gasped at the naked hunger shining on Maura’s face. Her chest heaved and swollen lips were parted as if waiting. Jane’s belly clenched at the sight putting her right back where she started.  Need blossomed.

“It’s not enough…I need---“ Maura’s voice literally quivered.

The sound of her zipper being lowered was almost erotic.  Jane watched transfixed as Maura descended and slowly disappeared from sight. With her jeans at her ankles and her shoes being rapidly disposed of, Jane peered down to see Maura’s eyes glittering back up at her full of want…full of love. “I need you,” Maura whispered.

Jane trembled in response. There was something about having Maura on her knees in front of her. It should have been a sign of submission …a sign of worship, but Jane felt utterly conquered.

“Maura!”  The name exploded from her lips as Maura buried her face between Jane’s legs.  Through the sodden barrier of her boi shorts, she could feel Maura’s groan.  She could feel the broad swipe of Maura’s tongue. She could feel the urgent suction at her opening as if the material wasn’t there at all.

Maura whimpered and slurped at the cloth as if she were trying to devour every bit of Jane that coated it. That knowledge alone made Jane sob…to be wanted, needed that desperately.  Jane widened her stance and snaked her hands through blonde tresses in a show of encouragement.

Jane groaned harshly when the suction changed to lapping. Maura’s tongue traced ravenously over each swollen fold. Jane’s hips bucked forward. Gentleness disappeared as hands fisted urgently in Maura’s hair, tugging, in hopes of guiding her where she was needed most.

“Yess!”  Jane exclaimed with the first teasing brush over her clit. Maura’s answering moan left her quaking.  Then, abruptly the teasing was over as Maura began to stroke engorged flesh with definite purpose.  Jane’s hips thrust like well-oiled pistons. 

Nails sank into her thighs but it only heightened Jane’s frenzy. For long minutes, Jane floated in bliss reveling in the wet sounds originating from between her legs; the thrumming pleasure against her clit; and Maura’s muffled cries of enjoyment. 

Without warning, something deep within snapped. It built momentum, radiating outward, filling her then spilling over. “Oh God, Maura! Fuck!”

Orgasm pummeled her with brutal force.

Her hips bucked jerkily as it worked its way through her body. Jane would have slid down the wall if it wasn’t for Maura holding her there.  A mewling sound not unlike a desperate animal permeated her ears.

Somehow, she recognized the owner as Maura.

Hands that were digging in her thighs before ripped at her underwear, and before she could touch earth from her last flight, Jane found herself soaring all over again.

Maura’s tongue lapped and plunged deep within, electrifying sensitive flesh. Feeling like she was being ripped in two from the blissful onslaught, Jane helplessly met Maura thrust for thrust, opening herself wide and riding her in wild abandon.  Maura wanted her in her mouth on her tongue, and she was getting what she desired in spades.

Fingertips found her clit and greeted it with a rough caress.  It was too much on already overstimulated nerve endings. The world exploded around her and with a hoarse cry, Jane greeted oblivion with open arms.

Long minutes later, Jane came back to the world. She was boneless and a slight chill rushed over her damp skin. That was when she felt it, soft hands sifting through her hair. Jane opened her eyes slowly as she realized her head was cradled in a nice warm, fully clothed lap. Maura’s green gaze beamed back at her layered with adoration. Jane’s heart fluttered at the glorious sight. “Hey,” she murmured.

Maura’s smile was her greeting.

“Whoa…that was…I…”  Jane cleared her throat. “I, uh, went away on you…for a few minutes. That’s never happened before.”  A smirk pulled at her lips. “Go, Maura.”

Maura’s smile widened and brightened and green eyes danced.

“I would apologize, but you look way too proud of yourself.”

“I am,” Maura whispered.  She leaned forward brushing Jane’s lips softly with her own.

Jane’s brows lowered. She hummed, tasting herself in the kiss. _God, that’s me all over her._ When Maura pulled away, Jane tried to fight the yawn that threatened, but it eked its way out anyway.

“Tired?”  Maura’s tone was amused.

“Horny?” Jane countered with a quirk of her eyebrow.

Maura chuckled. “Let’s just say I’m not completely satiated, but satisfaction was had every single time.”

Awareness rumbled, sparking some synapses back to life.  _I can’t wait to see it with my own eyes._ “And you didn’t have to take off a single piece of clothing. Go me.  Hell, go us.”

The chuckle turned into a laugh. After it tapered off, Maura murmured, “I know it’s been a very long day, but you’re not done yet. There’s time for a nap. We have the rest of the night, and I think you’re going to need more energy than you have right now.”

Anticipation ghosted over Jane’s skin. “Really?” She husked.

“Yes…really.”

“Mmm, that’s something I’m definitely looking forward to.”  Through the building heat, humor still reared its head.  Jane glanced to the right, knowingly. “Did you know…”  She yawned again. “That there was a bed over there?”

“I did. Can you blame me for not being able to make it?”  Maura asked.

“Not at all.”  Jane rose to a sitting position before standing completely.  She could feel the heat of Maura’s gaze and relished it as she made her way toward the bed.  Jane had her own way of teasing, and she had plenty of plans for Maura Isles.

Jane slid underneath the covers and watched as Maura ambled toward her, losing an item of clothing with each step. Green eyes were dark and teasing. Steeling her resolve, Jane turned over. _I’ll give her a nap all right._

_**_

_  
_

The first time, Maura woke groggily and confused at the arms around her and the soft heat blanketing her body. Reality caught up with her, and she pulled Jane’s arm tighter around her.  She peered around the darkened room expecting fireworks and neon lights. It had after all been a momentous occasion.  Maura had let love in at last. She felt complete. _This is what I’ve been running from all along, but it’s what’s been missing._

Jane murmured and inched even closer. Maura closed her eyes and smiled. Peace settled over her.  She lost herself in it along with the woman who brought it.

The second time, Maura woke gasping. Instinctively, her body arched into the teeth scraping her shoulder.  When they clamped down on the flesh there, Maura nearly came out of her skin. “God!”

“Good… nap’s over.”  Jane murmured hotly in her ear.

Maura shivered then whimpered as hardened nipples inched a path of fire across her back.  A hand skimmed her stomach before traipsing over her breasts. Nipples were instantly alert, and Maura moaned hoarsely as Jane’s palm circled each one, bringing them to even firmer attention.  Pleasure arced down her spine and pooled between her legs.

Then, just like that, the touch was gone, skittering back over her stomach inching downward. Maura was prepared to be teased, but when teeth sank into her shoulder again and agile fingers settled against her clit, her vision went hazy.

She cried out with fingertips changed course and dipped into her opening, finding an abundance of wetness and smearing it up and over throbbing flesh. She opened wide wanting, needing to be accommodating.

“Mmm, so wet already…”

Jane’s voice had a hard line right between her legs, creating a veritable flood . Teasing brushes evolved into hard, fast circles. “Jane!” Maura sobbed. She reached out, looking for an anchor, and her nails sank into the firm muscle of Jane’s thigh.

Jane was in complete control of her pleasure, and Maura loved every second of it.

Her touch was persistent and unrelenting, pushing Maura so high so quickly that when it all came crashing down around her, she imploded. Her scream tore through the room while rising waves of release tore through her body.

She was aware of the heavy thud of her own heartbeat and Jane’s answering moan as the warmth that had been at her back, settled over her. She peered up blearily into Jane’s eyes. They were dark, hungry.  As lips descended, Maura was gloriously filled. Behind closed eyelids, heated colors danced.

Maura moaned hotly into the kiss and Jane devoured it, claiming her above as she did below. The tempo was set immediately: slow, deep, and powerful.

Fingertips curved, scraping against inner walls and releasing a riot of sensations.  When Jane bore down, Maura’s hips surged upward filling the room with the slap of sopping wet flesh.  Lips latched onto her neck. Jane’s tongue swirled as teeth nipped. Within seconds, her breasts were graced with the same treatment. 

This wasn’t a time to explore. It was a time to alleviate and conquer.

Maura felt as if she were being torn apart and remade again with each meeting. She whimpered brokenly, her sounds muffled by Jane’s lips as they covered hers once more.

Seconds later, Jane ripped her mouth away, freeing Maura’s cries into the air.  Jane moved with her, putting her entire body into every thrust.

“Look at me.”

Heavy eyelids fluttered. Through her haze, Maura tried vehemently to fulfill Jane’s demand.  Her features swam into view. Sweat dribbled from Jane’s forehead, mingling with her own. Dark hair was matted and clinging to her face and neck, but Jane’s eyes were pure possessive fire.

“This is me fucking you…loving you.”

Maura moaned in acknowledgement. Her hips worked feverishly. Her sex clenched at the fullness inside.   A burning started in the pit of her stomach and fanned outward. She realized it for what it was. “Jane!”  She called out as the tiny bit of coherence remaining fled. She felt as if she were falling and flying simultaneously as the burning raced over her skin, causing every nerve ending to flare. “Ohgodohgodohgod!”  The powerful surge of her orgasm nearly lifted her from the bed as it drowned her in unforgiving flood of feeling.

A few minutes passed and Maura found herself ensconced in her own body at last. A sense of lethargy washed over her, and she groaned at the pleasant fuzziness it left in her brain and the tingling in parts south.  Her eyes fluttered lazily as she tried to clear her vision.  Jane slowly swam into view.

Maura’s lips quirked upward at the triumph shining in brown eyes. “Confident that you’ve reasserted your dominance?”  Maura husked. Her throat felt dry, scratchy.

Jane’s smile was crooked. “Something like that.”

“Mmm, well feel free to put me in my place by all means…when you feel you have to.” Maura reached up needing to touch Jane everywhere and slid her hand across her cheek.  “And even when you don’t.”

Jane chuckled and flipped on her back. Refusing to be disconnected from her, Maura found herself sprawled nearly on top, but she went with it. Their legs tangled. Now peering down, Maura looked on in wonder.

“You okay?” Jane whispered.

“Never been better.”

“Then what’s that look about?  I know you, there’s a question or something brewing.”

 _She knows me well._ “Some part of me still can’t believe that we made it this far.”  Maura answered.

“Well, somehow we did.”

“Mmm, what’s next?”  Maura nearly squealed when a hand encased her left buttock, meshing their bodies even closer.

“We do this as much as possible?”  Jane’s reply was somewhere in between a statement and a question. Dark brows rose and wiggled.

Maura smiled before leaning in for a soft kiss. “You’re incorrigible, but I like it.”

Jane shifted until Maura was on top of her. “We’re going to need lots of coffee in the morning, but I bet you’re going to like this even more.”

Maura sat up straddling Jane. Her stomach clenched at the feral expression that covered dark features. _If I feel this every time she looks at me like that, we’ll never leave the bedroom._  “What’s that?”  She asked breathlessly.

Hot hands traced over her hips, pulling her forward. “You… sitting on my face.”

Maura whimpered. Her last thought as she glided up Jane’s chest leaving a wet trail was that Addison had been right about her prowess in the bedroom.  Jane was relentless, powerful, and brazen…the epitome of a hero.

**

 

Maura’s eyes felt gritty but she resisted the urge to rub.  She eased back against the headrest and sighed as she closed them.

Jane snorted somewhere from the vicinity of the driver’s side.

“Don’t you dare laugh at me.  It’s your fault.”

“Me?!”

“Yes, I’m not sure how but given sufficient time I’m sure to come up with something.” Maura offered.

Jane snorted again.

Maura opened one eye and stared. “How is it that you’re so energized?”

“I’m a cop, Maura. Give me some coffee and I could go for days.”

Just the thought made Maura shudder, and she grudgingly admitted that it was all pleasant. Still, Jane didn’t need to know that. “There wouldn’t be fluid left in my body.”

“Is there any now?”  There was an obvious smile in Jane’s voice.

Maura grinned despite herself. “A minute amount.”

She heard Jane move and opened her other eye curiously.  Jane leaned forward and as if by magic a hand appeared on Maura’s knee, moving upward with purpose. “I can rectify that right now.”

Maura slapped her hand away. “We are not having sex in the police department parking garage.”

“Oh come on,” Jane continued to advance.  “You’re so sensitive all I have to do is touch it…”  Her tone dropped to a sexy whisper that seemed to land right between Maura’s legs.

Maura swallowed. _This is a side of Jane that’s only for me._   The knowledge accelerated her heart and made her breathing ragged.  Jane’s hand shot up her skirt once more.  Weakly, Maura pushed her away.  “I need some strength to work.”

“That’s why you have assistants.”

“Jane…” Maura groaned.

Jane threw her hands up. “Oh all right! For now but no promises for later.”

Somehow, Maura found herself swaying closer and when lips captured hers and clung, she moaned.

“And I know you’re going to let me.”

“You’re so---“ Maura murmured as her body throbbed with acknowledgement.

“Bad?”  Jane finished for her. “You made me this way.”

“I refuse…to take responsibility.”  Maura closed the distance again.

“I love you,” Jane whispered.

Maura smiled and melted. _Those have to be the most powerful words in the English language and I’ll never get tired of hearing them._ “I love you too.”

“You do don’t you?”  Jane gazed in her eyes.

“Exponentially it seems.”

Jane’s grin was soft, sweet and a little goofy right before it turned lascivious.  “Show me.”

“Jane!” Maura cried in exasperation and smacked Jane’s hand as it attempted to ease under her skirt for the third time.

“What?!” Jane’s tone was laced with laughter.

“You’re like a teenage boy.”

Jane laughed some more. “Not really. Then, I would be asking just to put the tip---“

“You’re horrendous.” Maura interrupted sieged by the humor of the situation.

“You love it.”

“I do.”  Maura captured Jane’s lips to prove the point.

The sudden tapping on the window ripped them apart in surprise. Frost peered at them from the driver side window.  Maura could imagine Jane’s glare, but her partner only smiled in return.

Jane sighed and rolled down the window.

“I’ve been sitting here a while. Saw you two drive in together.  Saw Maura’s car sitting all lonely too. So either Jane picked you up or…Jane **_picked_** you up.”

“No. See he’s the teenage boy.”  Jane gesticulated in Frost’s direction.

Maura nodded. “I agree totally.”

“You might want to move...”  Jane stared pointedly at Frost. “Before I make you a eunuch.”

Frost laughed and stepped out of the way.

Before Maura could open her door, Jane was there to do it for her.  Maura smiled and secretly wondered where the bow was. She then laughed out loud as Jane gave it to her. _On top of everything, how does she manage to be so sweet?_

Frost released a snort that sounded dangerously similar to Jane’s earlier.

They walked behind him. Jane’s hand rested softly against the small of Maura’s back providing protective heat. The hand dropped when they entered the elevator. Jane’s gaze took over instead. They peered at each other and Maura could not prevent the smile from forming on her face.  Jane seemed to be suffering from the same predicament. 

Maura moved closer until their shoulders touched. She brushed her hand against Jane’s loving the sliver of heat and the electric tendril it produced. Jane’s eyes told a story of devotion and banked desire. Maura read it avidly. _I had no idea it would feel like this._   Maura felt as if she were drowning but instead of losing her breath she found it again.

“Just a reminder, if you guys are about to make out, there are cameras in here.”

Jane stepped forward slapping him firmly in the back of the head. “Let them tape that!”

“Ow! I was just trying to be helpful.”

Maura chuckled. All was right with the world and then some.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See previous chapters for summary.

 

Well…yeah so …this. I re read the story and somehow my block dematerialized. I’ve tried to give it a feel  to where you guys can just pick up where they left off. I hope I did the characterizations I started justice as well as the overall feel and tone of the story as a whole. Hope it’s not abrupt. Very anxious about it. I hope you enjoy. Be a dear and let me know. Fotunately or un...you may have to re read the story as a whole. There will be one more chapter of this story to end it. Thank you. This is not beta’d so mistakes are on me.

* * *

 

Jane sifted through the files on her desk sorting them into a small pile of what needed to be signed and what needed to be actually worked on. She mumbled to herself and knowingly chewed on the end of her pen. Every few minutes it seemed her thoughts wandered, and Maura Isles was the center of them all. They were flashes really of Maura frozen in pleasure; Maura sleeping; and Maura staring at her as if she was the answer to some conundrum.  _God, I have it worse than I thought._

Jane smirked and decided that she wouldn’t have it any other way. Not too long ago, she was floundering, not living, but just tripping through life hoping but not expecting the best. The alcohol could have done her in physically and the many women could have stripped her emotionally. Still, here she was stronger than ever…whole, complete, and so utterly loved. That knowledge alone stirred something so deep in her, and it was impossible to ignore.

Shaking her head to clear it, the words on the paper came in focus again, but not for long because now, she was Maura-centered. Her lips curled into a smile without her permission, but she let it happen anyway.

A shadow fell over her desk.

Jane tried her best to turn the smile into her habitual scowl as she peered upward. Barry Frost’s eyes were twinkling knowingly.

“So…”  His voice went up an octave on the last painfully extended syllable.

“Yes?” Jane threw her pen on the desk and leaned back in the chair, crossing her arms in the process.

Frost grinned. “Was it as good as it looked like it would be?”

Jane blinked. “What?”

“In my head it looked like it would be really hot.”

Jane’s mouth opened and closed several times. “Did you…did you just say that out loud?”

His gaze scattered. “Um…yeah?”

After that, it really wasn’t that hard to get the scowl back. “Are you sure you want to go with that?” Jan asked menacingly.

Frost looked unsure. “Yes? I guess?” Finally, he threw his hands up and whispered harshly. “Come on Jane! I told you about the bush incident.”

Jane could feel her eyebrows shoot to her forehead. “Are you comparing the two?!”

“No! They don’t compare. You got some and I didn’t. You have to at least throw me a bone here. We’re brahs.”

“We’re what now?”

“Brothas…you know brah?”

“Let me get this straight.” Jane leaned forward in her chair beckoning him closer with the crook of her finger. “Since we’re brothas, I should throw you a …bone?”

Frost cringed. “When you put it like that it sounds dirty.”

“It. Is. Dirty.”

“Don’t look at it that way. It’s just us…sharing.”

“Mmm.” Jane stared at her partner. _I could have fun with this or rip him at least two new assholes._ Seeing the eagerness and actual sincerity on his face, Jane made a decision.   She beckoned him closer still. “Okay, but don’t even hint to Maura that you know.”

“I got your back. You know this.”

Jane glanced at him and looked away shyly. “We…ah tried, but I---“  She shook her head. “I can’t believe how forgiving she is. We, uh, tried…”  Jane wiped a hand over her face.  “I couldn’t get it up.” She brought her fist to her mouth, hiding trembling lips.

Barry Frost blinked.  He opened his mouth and blinked again. Standing to his full height, he glared at her. “You need the kind of help that only Jesus can provide.”

Jane met his gaze and howled with laughter.

Korsak picked the perfect moment to arrive. He took his place next to Frost and looked from one to the other. “What the hell is up with her?”

Jane wiped at her eyes. “Would you like a bone too?”

“She’s an asshole,” Frost muttered. “Did you know that she was an asshole?”

Korsak chuckled. “Fuck, everybody knows that, but what did you do to bring the asshole out?”

“I asked her about sex.”

Korsak glanced at Jane then back to Frost again.

Frost sighed. “Sex with Maura.”

Korsak sucked in a breath. “Ooh.”

“But we talk about sex all the time!”

Jane watched the exchange deciding to stay out of it, but it was amusing nonetheless.

“You sure?” Korsak asked.

“Yeah! I know Maura is sacred, but it’s me. We’ve been through some shit.”

“Uh, let me be more specific. Has she actually talked about her sex life with you…seriously or has she just listened to you about yours and you speculating about hers?”

For the fiftieth time, Frost blinked. He sucked in a breath as if he had a lot to say then let it out slowly. “Oh.”

Jane smirked.

Korsak patted Frost on the back. “She’s not an open book, our Jane. You know her pretty well, but you have to read between the lines.”

Frost’s brow furrowed. “You ask her then since you know so much.”

Jane cleared her throat. “I am sitting right here you know.”

Frost shrugged.  “Kinda forgot. This is the quietest I’ve ever seen you.”

Rolling her eyes, Jane settled back against her chair.

“I’m not getting in the middle of this. My balls are still retracted from when Mrs. Isles was here.”  Korsak beamed at them both before strolling away.

Jane peered up at Frost once more and what she saw startled her. He actually looked hurt.  Jane sighed. _It wouldn’t hurt to give a little._ “It was an incredible experience, and I know without a doubt where I’m supposed to be.”

Frost’s grin was genuine. “Does Red know?”

Jane groaned. How could she forget about Addison Montgomery? “I’m sure she sensed some kind of disturbance in the force field around Boston. She is that good.”

He chuckled. “Probably.”  Frost clapped Jane on the shoulder. “Coffee?”

Jane nodded and watched him go. She decided then that he really was the perfect partner. He knew when to give shit, take shit, and when to walk away. Jane shook her head and smiled.

Her cell phone vibrated its way across her desk.  A text message flashed.

**I should have just let you have me. I can’t stop thinking about you anyway.**

A hard knot formed in Jane’s stomach, robbing her of breath for a few seconds.  Enjoying the feeling, she smiled to herself and typed a reply. **Funny. I’m doing just fine. Got my desk completely cleared in less than an hour.**

Seconds ticked by. Then, Jane’s office phone rang. She picked it up without preamble.

“Liar,” Maura said. The laughter in her voice was palpable.

Jane chuckled. “Maybe. God, I just feel…I don’t really even know how to describe it.”

“I know the feeling.”

“It’s sort of like a really good high.”

“Are you referring to drugs?” Maura sounded affronted and amused simultaneously.

“I was in high school ten thousand years ago. Seriously that’s what it’s like, but we’re not going to crash.”

“That was actually poetic…in a special Jane way.”

“Did it earn me something?” Jane asked.

“Whatever you want.”

“Mmm, I want everything.” 

“We’re going to be two very exhausted individuals.” Maura said breathlessly.

“Why?” 

“I can already tell that I’m going to want you all the time.”  Maura whispered huskily.

Sucking in a surprised breath, Jane still wasn’t prepared for the arousal that slammed into her gut.  “Jesus, Maura.”

“I know.”  Maura cleared her throat. “Maybe we need a change of subject?

“That doesn’t make me think about bending you over your desk?”

Jane could hear Maura’s gasp.  “Yes, exactly.” 

A heated silence lapsed between them.

Jane licked her lips and reached for the cup of coffee that materialized on her desk. “Did you talk to Addison?”

“No, I thought you would have called by now.”

Chuckling despite the awareness slithering over her, Jane added, “Really it’s like we’re on a talk show. There are too many people invested in our sex lives.”

“It is rather odd. I’ll call her. If it’s me, she will probably be less prone to gloating.”

“You’re kidding right? It’s Addison.”

“Yes, well, I feel like I owe you a favor for all the hard work you did last night.”

 _Jesus Christ this woman is trying to kill me._ “I’ve barely lifted a finger…yet.” Jane countered.

“You were inside me. So, how could you?”  Maura’s tone was thick, sultry.

For a few seconds, Jane forgot how to breathe. Her mouth went dry.   _Sweet merciful fuck._ “I got the feeling you can take more.” The words were out of her mouth before she could think.

“Yes, Suzie. I’ll be right with you.”

 _Well, damn_.  “You have to go?” Jane tried to swallow down the added hoarseness in her voice.

“I do,” Maura said apologetically. “But I refuse to be the only one to suffer.”

“Suffer?”

“In the most pleasurable way possible.”

“Addison wasn’t fucking kidding was she?”

“I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. I’ll see you later.”

Before Jane could say another word, the line went dead. She chugged the now cooled coffee.

Her phone vibrated once more.

**I love you.**

Whatever parts of Jane that were not on fire, melted.

**

A few hours later, after going over inventory and new test results, Maura found herself, again, alone in her office. Her mind strayed toward Jane, although it didn’t have far to go. She was lost hopelessly, utterly. It was strange occurrence to actually experience what she had been running away from. It was a concept that had been pondered over the past month and even more so over the past couple of weeks. Still, she knew it was a fear that had been completely conquered.

It was okay to want.

It was okay to need.

It was okay to be consumed, and all it took was Jane.

Her body knew where it belonged and it screamed for her without hesitation. Maura’s heart recited the same story.

It had only been one night, but it had been a night that surpassed all others. All Maura wanted was more.  She wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

 _I could have had this all along, but maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe neither one of us were._ Time and Addison Montgomery were the catalysts. Maura smiled fondly, knowing that the other doctor’s arrogance was going to be at an all time high. However, it was worth it because this was the result, happiness.

Addison told her she needed to live…to allow herself to experience life and she could think of no better way to do it than with Jane by her side.

Maura peered at her cell phone. Without a moment’s more hesitation, she picked it up and went to her first contact.

It rang four times.

“There’s this thing I was doing, Maura. It’s called sleep.” Addison answered groggily.

“I’m familiar with it.”

“Good. Can you call when I’ve had enough of it? I don’t have anything scheduled until later in the day.”

“Why on earth would I want to do that?”

“Snark really? It’s too early in the morning for you poor attempts at it.”

“Well, considering the company I’ve been keeping, I should be an expert at it.”

Addison chuckled. “You sound more relaxed. That masturbation thing work for you?”

“No, it did not.”

“Then---“

There was a noticeable silence.

“Ho-ly shit. You’re kidding?!”  Addison nearly screamed.

Maura smiled. “Jane was convinced that somehow you’d know.”

“I was pillow talk?”

“If that’s what it’s called.”

“Heh, I’ve affected the lives of so many.”

Maura could not help herself. She rolled her eyes. “Yes, you have so much to be proud of.”

“Damn straight. Wait…is she in one piece? Better yet, can you walk?”

“Addison!”

“Look, you called me and I have questions.”

Maura sighed. _Incorrigible._ Contentment flowed through her like water.

“Maura? Are you okay?”  Addison’s  voice held sincerity instead of her usual brand of humor.

“I’m—“  She felt her forehead crinkle as she searched an extensive vocabulary. “Addison, I—“  Maura’s chest began to heave.

“As I live and breathe, Maura Isles is speechless.”

Maura smiled through the now welcome overload of emotion. “Yes, well, when it involves Jane I think it will be a regular occurrence.”

“Yes, I will have to agree with you on that.”  The happiness in Addison’s voice was clear. “I knew you guys could do this. God, now I can breathe easier. I wasn’t sure whose ass I was going to kick first if all my work had been for nothing.”

“Yes. No more sleepless nights for you.”

Addison snorted. “You guys almost restore my hope in all this mushiness…almost. So…”

“Yes?”

“Which Maura did she get?”

“You’re horrible.”

“That’s subterfuge.” Addison countered.

“Mmm, is it?”

“You know it.”

Addison gasped. “You’ve been a bad girl. Haven’t you Maura?”

Maura bit her lip to keep the grin at bay. “I have no idea to what you’re referring.”

“Jane must be ready to pop a gasket. This calls for a lot of teasing.”

“I say it again. You are horrible.”

“You guys love me. I know it. You hugged me. I remember.”

Remembering the warmth of the moment, Maura let the smile through and into her voice. “I did.”

“I think I may actually get up. I’ve too much energy to just lie here.”

There was the sound of muffled voices and Maura could make out very little except for “helping with that.”

“Do we have company?” Maura asked contritely.

Addison sighed. “Yes, we do.”

“Do we even know her name?”

“Maura!”

“You act as if it is an unreasonable question.”

“I’m offended.”

“No you’re not.” Maura shot back.

Addison laughed. “She’s offended then.”

“You don’t know her name do you?”

“I do so.”

“What is it?” Maura asked unperturbed.

“Damn, I think that was my alarm. Tell Jane to expect a barrage of texts and steamy phone calls.”

“Addison?”

“Proud of you guys.”

“Addison?!”

“Tonya needs me.”

There was more muffled conversation.

“Toni.”

Maura laughed. “Take care, Addison.”

“You too.”

Maura shook her head and sent a quick message to Jane. **She knows and she’s not going to be gentle.**

After a few seconds, Jane answered. **That woman is quick. She said something about you ruining her morning and she deserves that threesome especially since we know how good it can be.**

Maura laughed out loud. **I don’t share.**

**Neither do I.**

Maura’s phone rang.

Before she could utter a word, Jane murmured,” I have enough to handle.”

“I’m being handled?”

“You know what that means?”  Jane sounded incredulous.

“I do.”

“Maybe that wasn’t the right word. Let’s try this. You’re mine, and I have no intention of ever being done with you.”

Beaming, Maura countered, “Much better.”  This feeling…these feelings she had no idea it could ever be like this for her. She had felt heavy all her life, but now she felt lighter than air.

“Wasn’t it?”

“Lunch?” Jane asked. “I really want to see you.”

“I’ve been distracted. I meant to mention it earlier, but I can’t I have a meeting with the Mayor’s office to discuss roadblocks in investigation for the forensics office.”

“Mmm, fun.”

“You could come down now.”  _My door locks. There would be plenty of privacy._

“I could. Couldn’t I?”  Jane paused. “Are we going to behave if I do?”

“No,” Maura answered breathlessly. _I don’t think I can._  Her token resistance this morning had been just that…token. 

Jane groaned.

Maura’s heart accelerated, and her stomach cramped almost painfully. “Especially when you make sounds of that nature.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t tempt me.”

“Am I to be punished?” Maura murmured.

“Fuck yes.”   Jane sounded needy, tortured.

Maura gasped. Arousal grabbed hold and shook her vehemently.

“My God, where did you come from because you’re never fucking leaving.”  Jane continued.  “I’ll be there---“

Maura could hear voices in the background.

“Shit. Cavanaugh wants to see me. Something about a cold case.”  Jane’s tone was irritable, shaky.

Frustration slathered over Maura. She did her best to swallow it. “You know where I am Jane, unless we get a call.”

**

Maura ended the recorded session and pulled the tarp over a nearly bloodless corpse. She snapped her gloves and removed them in an unhurried fashion, followed by the protective gear. They day had been long and there was still more of it. It was moving at t snail’s pace, which Maura was not enjoying at all. Just as they always did her thoughts began to shift toward Jane. A slow smile spread, knowing the detective had to be just as anxious.

There was a loud beep informing Maura that someone had just entered the outer door. She thought nothing of it as she turned to the sink to scrub her hands.  A few seconds later, the door to the morgue proper opened. Maura glanced over her shoulder to see a welcome sight.

Jane entered sans her jacket. The gun belt hung low on her hips and dark slacks tapered down legs that seemed to go on forever. Their eyes met and Jane’s gaze was blazing in its intensity. Her eyes tracked downward, and Maura could feel it like a heated caress. Arousal that had been barely kept at bay, slithered forward with devastating effect. _Oh, God._

Maura gasped.

Jane’s gaze remained for a few more seconds, before she walked slowly toward Maura’s  office. When she entered, she left the door ajar, and Maura watched in fascination and anticipation as the blinds were pulled closed.

Her feet began to move then as her body and heart beckoned. A mere two seconds after entering, Maura found her back against the door with a fully aroused Jane Rizzoli hovering over her.

The office was alive with ragged breathing and heavy with need. The sound of the lock being engaged was loud but somehow erotic.

Their bodies strained against each other. Anticipation filled the air around them, making it nearly impossible to breathe. Jane leaned forward until their foreheads touched. Dark eyes closed briefly. When they opened again, Maura whimpered.

They were coal black.

Maura felt hands skim her hips then lower. She groaned helplessly, as her skirt was lifted and hot hands slid over even hotter flesh. Fingertips snagged the sides of her underwear and yanked. Maura widened her stance, allowing them to fall.

Unable to stay idle, Maura’s hand snaked through Jane’s hair, freeing the ponytail and allowing riotous curls to billow. Maura’s skirt was lifted even higher and naked throbbing flesh was exposed to cool air.

Fingertips skimmed over the pulsing bundle of nerves before trailing down her slit.

Maura threw her head back, moaning. It thumped against the door.

Jane whimpered…no doubt at the wetness she found there…waiting.

Then, without warning, Jane plunged inside.

Maura cried out but the sound was devoured by Jane’s mouth.

A hand dug into Jane’s scalp while the other sank into her shoulder. Maura wrapped a leg around her as best she could. She had to hang on.

Still swollen and tender from the previous night, it hurt, but the pain was superficial and fleeting. The pleasure that radiated was eternal.

There was no gentleness in this meeting. It was too late for that. Maura felt deliciously taken and reveled in it. Each thrust was harder and deeper than the last.

Twin moans surrounded them.

The click of wet flesh sang out.

Maura did not care about the sounds that fell from her lips. She was being ripped apart and somehow made whole at the same time. Her insides quivered. Her thighs shook, and from somewhere far away she could feel the burn of oblivion threatening to consume her.

She let it come.

As if Jane could read her like a book, two fingers became three.

Thrusts became fast and shallow.

Breathing became a thing of the past as they shared the remaining oxygen between lips.

Maura exploded. Pleasure rolled through her like fire on paper, leaving nothing untouched and everything charred beyond recognition. She sagged against Jane and trembled as electric tendrils racked her. Maura mewled as her already over loaded body continued to misfire.

Long minutes later, Jane withdrew slowly. Maura whimpered and her muscles clenched at the audacity, making Jane groan in response.

Their lips continued to brush and cling and labored breathing continued to heat the air.

Maura reached down between them, tearing into Jane’s belt. Impatient fingers ripped at her slacks.

“Maura,” Jane husked. “You don’t have to.”

“Yes…I do.”  If Maura was going to lose herself, then she was going to make sure Jane was by her side the whole time.

* * *

One more chapter to go folks. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See previous chapters for summary.

Cries…this is the end.  God it feels good but weird at the same time. I hope this ending wraps things up for everyone. It has been a great, bumpy, sexy, funny ride and I’ve loved every minute of it. I hope everyone did too.  I hope you enjoy this.  I know I did writing it. Don’t be afraid to let me know.

* * *

 

Addison brought the mug of coffee to her lips as she watched the sun rise over the sand and surf. The sky looked as if it were on fire, she leaned forward pressing against the railing to feel the heat.  Tilting her face toward the warmth, she breathed in deeply inhaling the smell of the ocean. It was perfection.

Or it should have been.

The moment was skewed by her lack of sleep and the feelings of loneliness that could no longer be held at bay. She wanted to matter to someone. She wanted to be craved by someone. She wanted to be cherished. The past couple nights Addison woke drenched in sweat and feeling lost.  Even though she hadn’t been alone, she might as well have been because a stranger could do nothing to offer solace from these feelings. Last night, Addison didn’t bother to close her eyes at all.

Jane and Maura were a better definition of perfection.

Having seen them over Face Time video chat, she could not get over the happiness that seemed ebb and flow around them.  She was ecstatic for them, and no two people deserved it more.  Addison hadn’t been kidding a couple of days ago when she told Maura that their coupledom almost made her believe again. _I want someone to know me. I want someone to want to know me…all of me…the right person of course._

It was the first step in what she knew was to be a lengthy process of give, take, tolerance and patience.  The decision was made, but she never lied to herself… not anymore. Just because she made the decision, with her baggage and mountainous walls, did not mean it would come to fruition.  It was frightening prospect but at the same time exhilarating. She sighed just thinking about it, but slowly a smirk formed as she realized that her epiphany in no way meant she had to stop enjoying herself in the meantime. She was in California after all, and the women were legendary.

Addison took another sip of her coffee. With her other hand she pulled her robe closed to ward off the still early morning chill rolling in from the water. Despite not having slept, she had work to do both professionally and personally it seemed.  First things were first, she lifted her mug toward the rising sun and whispered, “To Jane and Maura.”

**

Jane opened a bleary eye at the shrill ring of Maura’s home phone. It wouldn’t have been much of a bother if it did not seem to be right in her ear.

Maura whimpered and burrowed deeper in Jane’s embrace as the noise continued.  It wasn’t work. They would have called their cell phones. Jane made a quick decision. It was the weekend, and there was no reason the call couldn’t go to voice mail.

The ringing stopped, but then, it started up again almost immediately.

Jane was starting to feel obligated. Disengaging from Maura as softly as possible, she turned slightly and reached for the cordless phone. “Hello?” She croaked.

At first, there was silence. “I assume this isn’t Maura?”

Jane snapped awake almost immediately. _Oh shit here we go._ She peered over her shoulder to see Maura still deep in slumber. Rising gingerly from the bed, she eased her way out of the bedroom, closing the door in the process.

“You know who this is. Maura’s sleeping, Mrs. Isles, and I’m not waking her for you.”

Constance scoffed. “You really have no manners at all. Do you?”

“When it comes to you especially after out last meeting…nah. Why are you calling anyway? Maura made things more than clear.”

“I’m still her mother.”

“Really? Is that what you’re calling it?”

“I would like to speak with my daughter! She’s had ample time to come to her senses but I’m sure that’s been impossible with your influence surrounding her.”

Jane smirked. “I think she’s doing better than ever.”

“Based on your common standards, I’m sure.”

“This is America lady. We’re all common, and the answer is still no. Don’t even think about calling her cell. I’m not waking her, unless you plan on apologizing.”

Constance sputtered. “What on earth for?! She is the one guilty of blatant disrespect.”

“Well, you pretty much insulted everybody she cares about right in front of her. What she said to you, the way I see it, was all in defense.”

“How dare you address me in this manner! The Isles name carries great influence---“

“I’ll say this again slowly. This is A-mer-ica. I’m a cop not some socialite that you can black list. Get over yourself, and let Maura be happy for once.”

“I won’t allow this to contin—“

Jane growled and tapped the end button on the phone. She solidified things by making sure the ringer was off as well. Hands slid around her torso and underneath her tank top, startling her. “Shit!”

“It’s just me.”

“Well, I know that but after talking to that woman I expect bad things to come in threes.”

“She can be…difficult,” Maura murmured groggily.

Snorting, Jane added, “You’re minimalizing.”  She turned in the embrace and slid her arms up Maura’s back over the ratty Red Sox t-shirt Jane had left ages ago. “She’s your mother, and I know you love her, but she’s way on the other side of bitchy and coming close to cunty.”

Maura blinked. “Pardon?”

Somewhat incoherent and sleep rumpled Maura was adorable. Jane grinned. “Evil incarnate.”

“That, I understand.”   Finally, the fog cleared from green eyes.

“Mmm.”

Maura leaned in, brushing Jane’s chin with her lips. “Thank you.”

Jane closed her eyes at the softness of the caress. “For what?”

“Defending me.”

“Couldn’t help it. She’s really holding on to this. She’s probably only going to get nastier.”

Maura expression turned thoughtful, contemplative. “There’s a choice here…you or her.”

Jane found herself held captive by Maura’s gaze. It was soft, reverent and so full of emotion that it sent her heart into over drive.

“This is the right thing. You are the right thing,” Maura whispered.

Her heart jumped to her throat, making Jane speechless, but her expression must have contained what she was too choked up to say.

Maura’s smile was big enough to encompass the whole room. Unable to help herself, Jane followed the compulsion to kiss it. Being as gentle as she knew how to, Jane brought them together. She breathed into Maura as they clung to each other, and on the same breath whispered, “I love you.”

Maura gasped, and her lips trembled.

Their foreheads touched.

A poignant silence stretched around them.

Jane finally broke it as she continued to voice her concern. _I don’t ever want to see her being upset because of that woman._ “She won’t expect you to keep fighting her.” At the moment, Maura looked fragile, breakable as she stood in her arms disheveled and small. It wasn’t a true representation, but still…still.

“I suppose not, but she wasn’t expecting you this morning either.”

Jane smirked. “Both of us together could really keep her discombobulated.”

Maura peered at her strangely for several seconds, before murmuring, “I’m a bad influence on you.”

“What? You mean the big words?”  

“Especially first thing in the morning.” 

Jane wasn’t surprised that Maura resorted to humor. It was as if she knew her thoughts were getting heavy. It was as if she knew she was starting to worry.  Just like Frost, Maura knew. She just knew. So, Jane let her. She chuckled. “I’d say it’s an even trade. You’re standing here plotting against your mother. I’ve rubbed off on you too.”

“The rubbing?” Maura’s eyes glittered. “You can do that any way you like.”

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” Jane husked as she tasted the mouth in question once more.

“On occasion.”

“Mmm, if she knew some of the other things you did with it---“

“I’m sure Angela is dying to know how good you are with your hands.” Maura interrupted. She stepped away from their embrace and grasped one of the appendages being discussed.

“My God, I am rubbing off on you.”

“Possibly.”  A blonde brow rose.

“Freaky.” Jane paused.

Maura tugged on their linked hands, leading them back toward the bedroom. “Coming back to bed?”

“That depends.”

“On?”

Jane’s eyes started at Maura’s head and trailed slowly down her body. “I don’t think you have any idea how sexy you are right now.” _How the fuck did I end up here? Thank you. Whoever the hell is listening…thank you._

Maura blushed, but a grin spread over her features. “Was that the question?”

“No…let me take a picture and use it as my contact photo for you.”

Maura’s eyebrows shot up her forehead. “Really? That’s all you want?”

Jane smirked. “Nooo…after, you can do that thing with your tongue.”

Maura laughed. “Which thing with my tongue?”

“Any **_thing_** with your tongue.”

Green eyes sparkled with heat, humor and promise. “Deal.”

**

Maura allowed herself to awaken slowly. She enjoyed the soft heat blanketing her from behind. If she concentrated hard enough, she could even feel Jane’s heartbeat. Carefully she turned in the circle of Jane’s arms and peered down at the woman in question.

Wild dark curls, flopped over Jane’s forehead. Maura brushed them away. There was no line in her forehead. There was no grimace on her face. This was the Jane that she got to see. This Jane was all hers. There was a flutter in Maura’s stomach at the thought.  Her eyes skimmed over defined shoulders and chiseled arms. There was physical strength there, but it was the inner strength, Maura knew, that could overcome just about anything. Maura, herself, was evidence of this.  _This was all I needed. She was all I needed._

As if she were aware of the scrutiny, Jane’s eyes opened partially. “Hey…whatta you doin’?” She slurred.

Maura smile and whispered, “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”

Jane blinked and muttered, “Kay.”

Chuckling quietly, Maura extricated herself.  She searched the floor for the ratty t-shirt and pulled it on over her nakedness. A monstrous growl erupted from her stomach. Rubbing the area, she padded barefoot out of the bedroom and toward the kitchen.

Starting the coffee, Maura noticed that it was quiet enough for her to feel as if she were home alone, but even though Jane was rooms away, she brought something with her that seemed to settle over this place.  Years ago, Maura had gotten used to being alone, but meeting Jane, befriending Jane changed all of that. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

Opening the refrigerator, she removed strawberries, that awful caramel creamer Jane loved, marmalade and soy milk. Very practiced in the kitchen, Maura detached the leafy green heads from the fruit without thought. Once done, she put everything in bowls and reached for the croissants. It was a meager fare she’d prepared. Maura smiled. She could almost hear Jane complain about there being no meat. A minute later, bacon was sizzling on the stove.

Loading up a tray, Maura went back the way she came and caught Jane mid-stretch and yawn.  Brown tipped breasts pebbled in the cool air. Jane beamed. “You made me bacon.”

“I did.”

Jane scampered out of bed, brushing by Maura as she entered deeper into the room. “Be right back.”

Setting the tray on one of the nightstands, Maura turned to watch her saunter away. Heat curled in her belly. _I don’t think this is ever going to stop._  “It would help us both if you returned with some semblance of clothing.”

Jane stopped and glanced over her shoulder. A smirk spread over her features. “You couldn’t possibly---“

“Always,” Maura interrupted.

Her smirk turned into a grin. “I’ll take that under advisement.”

Mere minutes later, they were sharing breakfast and laughter. As Jane rolled her eyes for the twentieth time, Maura came to the greatest epiphany of all. This was it for her. She felt it down to her very bones. She knew it before, but now, she felt it. Her heart stuttered before beating again at an accelerated pace. Blood roared in her ears, and breathing suddenly became difficult. It wasn’t panic. It was her mind, her body finally accepting what she knew to be true.

“Maura? You okay?” Brown eyes held concern and a gentleness that Maura had never seen in any other individual, especially toward her.

Then, just like that, the moment of flux settled.  Maura reached out, wiping a smidge of marmalade from the side of Jane’s mouth. “Yes…yes I am.”

**

Jane snatched Frost’s keys from him as he started to put them in his pocket. “Hey!”

“I’ll be the designated driver tonight if you want to have a few extra.”

They stepped away from the parking lot and headed toward the building proper.

“Aww, you take such good care of me.”

Jane rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”

Their shoulders brushed. “You never did tell me what you’ve been doing all day.”

Biting her lip to keep from grinning, Jane shrugged instead. “Just loafing around, I guess.” She could feel his eyes on her.

Frost bumped her hard. “You spent the whole day in bed with Maura!”

The grin broke through. “Not the whole day.”

“Uh huh, when did you get up?”

Rolling her eyes again, Jane mumbled, “This afternoon.”

“Damn, go Maura.”

_I’ll say. She’s like the energizer bunny. Not that I’m in any way complaining._

Frost bumped her again.

“Ouch! What?!”

“Had to keep you from drooling on the street.”

“Ass.” Jane smirked anyway.

Before they entered the bar, Jane muttered, “We didn’t have to go to a gay friendly bar.”

“Eh, I wanted to make sure you’d be comfortable too.”

Jane shrugged. It really didn’t matter anymore.

A few minutes later they were safely ensconced inside and at their own table.  Jane downed the shot of whiskey and slammed the glass on the table. “Woo, smooth.” She reached for her beer. “This is it for me tonight, but you go ahead get your drink on.”

Frost grinned. “My what now?”

“You heard me.”

“Why thank you. I think I will.”

It was strange being here in one of her old haunts. She had already crumpled up a woman’s number and given a familiar one the cold shoulder.

“This is weird, huh? Being here again?” Frost asked.

“Yeah, it is. I was probably on my way to knowing every woman in here.”

Frost snorted. “Thank God for Addison Montgomery and you finally getting some sense.”  He held up his beer glass.

Jane smiled fondly at the name. _She needs to come and visit soon._ “Amen to that.” 

Their glasses clinked but the sound could barely be heard over the noises surrounding them.  A familiar waitress appeared, setting new drinks by Jane. She leaned forward, flashing her cleavage. “Blonde…3 o’clock.”

Jane didn’t even look that way. “No thank you.”

The waitress smirked. “Not drunk enough?”

Frost watched the entire exchange in silence. She caught his gaze and a moment of deep understanding passed between them. “No, taken.” It felt stupendous to say it. Never did she think those words mean so much and have such an impact. _Damn, there’s no other way I want it._

“I’ll take them,” Frost added.

After the waitress left, Barry lifted his glass once more. “To Maura.”

Jane smiled, but didn’t utter a word as their glasses met once more. She didn’t have to.

**

Jane stumbled _through_ the door of Maura’s house with him leaning on her heavily. It was closer and she was tired. He sang the last lines of _Free Fallin’_ and began to laugh when he was done.

“Shhh!”

“Dis…this not my place.”

“No, it’s not. You can sleep on the couch.”

“Maura…gonna kill me for messin’ up her couch.”

“No, she won’t. She likes you. Besides, if I say it’s okay. It’s okay.”

“Ohhh, you wear the p-pants.”

Jane smirked. “Probably not but that’s okay.”

Jane sat him down. “Stay here. I’ll get bedding.”  She moved toward the guest room as quietly as possible, getting a blanket and pillow from the guest room she used to sleep in.

When she returned, Frost was leaning forward precariously about to meet the floor.  Jane pushed him back and made the couch for him. When she was done, she pushed him backward. He still had his shoes on. Maura would kill them both.

Frost was already snoring. She unlaced his shoes and pulled them off. There was a weird sense of deja vue. She had been here before with him with the roles reversed, and at the time, she had been so broken. A bolt of warmth suffused her. He had been there and still was. Jane pulled the covers up over him. “Good night, Frost.”

*

As she entered the dark bedroom, Jane peered at Maura’s sleeping form. She removed her clothes quietly and slid into bed behind her.

Maura sighed and wiggled into her embrace.

“You’re awake?” Jane whispered.

“Yes. Is he okay?”

“We were trying to be quiet.”

“He was singing, Jane.”

Jane chuckled. “Yes, he was.” She kissed Maura’s shoulder.

“Mmm. Did you have a good time?”

“I did.”

Maura turned over until they were facing each other.  Jane could make out her features even in the darkness. Lips covered hers, and Jane sighed into the caress. “I’m glad.”

Jane wound a hand through Maura’s hair and tangled their legs together, keeping them close. She deepened the kiss until their breaths became ragged.

“We can’t,” Maura whimpered.

“I know.”

This is what she wanted to come home to every night. This is what she wanted to feel.  This was worth all the pain and doubt.

“Go to sleep,” Jane whispered. Their lips met once more.

“Okay.” Maura turned away, but not before she made sure every inch of them was connected.

“Love you,” Jane murmured.

“Love you too.”

Jane swallowed the ball of emotion lodged in her throat, allowing it to spread all over. They had truly come full circle, and she couldn’t ask for anything more.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me through this. Everyone of you are appreciated. Don't forget to show me some love.


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